Pregnant with no. 2 and Thinking About Divorce

Kait - posted on 10/10/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi mamas,

I think I want a divorce. I am 9 weeks preggo with no. 2, I have even thought about getting an abortion. My daughter is 16 mos. I have been with my husband for almost 11 years and we have been married for 3.5. I have kind of known the whole time that we are incompatible, but once my daughter came our issues hit us like a train. I have asked him to go to counseling. The first time I got an appointment scheduled and the night before, he said he couldn't make it because he scheduled an appointment at work (but it was apparent that he just didn't think counseling was important, like we should just work without it). I ended up going by myself, which involved walking 3 miles one way and taking two trains with a four month old (we share a car and he uses it for work, whole other issue entirely). After this session I told him to follow up and schedule with the therapist, but he never could make it happen (This speaks to his pattern of not following up or taking things seriously). I asked him again recently, before we found out we were pregnant, he called the woman and she didn't call him back, so he gave up. We also really don't make enough money for regular counseling.

Currently he works a commission only job (He has floated between four different jobs over the last 2 years and non of them have paid over 30,000 so we have struggled financially for a while). The commissions come so infrequently that we can't save any of it and it all goes to bills. We are behind on our car payment, owe multiple people money including the IRS. I work a full time job from home and my daughter is at home with me during this time because we can't afford childcare, but we make too much for gov assistance. I also picked up a job at a gym to get a free membership (self care) and for some extra cash. I recently told him that with the morning sickness I don't think I can continue working at the gym and he said I can't quit because we really need the money. (oh the things I wanted to say, but i bit my tongue so as to not assault him verbally :) He is not looking for another job and if he is going to get another job I will have to update his resume and be the one to actually apply him for the jobs (As I have done for years in order for him to get a job to support us). I am so overly frustrated by his lack of motivation and direction in life, I honestly think it would be easier by myself. I feel like he is holding me back and that we wouldn't be in the financial distress we are if it weren't for his bad decision making and lack of direction in life. His lack of ambition is embarrassing to me and I do not respect him because of it. I am scared to death about what I am going to do financially after the baby comes because I will not be able to be the breadwinner. With my first I went back to work 2 weeks post baby and was incredibly stressed with being a new mom, breastfeeding, pumping and being accountable to my job. I also know that he will not be able to find a job that will be able to cover all of our bills so I will have to go back to work.

I am torn about this pregnancy because I don't want my daughter to be an only child, I want her to have a companion through life, especially if her dad and I divorce. But how the heck can this work financially?! I do not want to be dependent on him. We also do not live near any family and have discussed moving back home, but my husband says how unhappy he will be if we move back. I am feeling really alone without any support or help from family and really need it in my life, especially if we keep the baby. The other side is that his family is like my family, my family is pretty toxic and I would not necessarily trust my kids with my mom (she is borderline) and my childhood was very volatile.

Feeling drained and in need of some unbiased ideas and thoughts. Sorry for the long post. Thank you in advance!

2 Comments

View replies by

Anne - posted on 10/11/2016

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I really wish we could sit down and have some girl time together. Wouldn't that be nice? Women need each other and I am so thankful you took the time to reach out for support. Your situation is not isolated, many couples are faced with seemingly impossible situations, and have to find a way to bear up under them. I can understand why you want to get out from under the burden of facing an uncertain future, and I want to encourage you to step back and look at the short term and long term consequences of your decisions.

Getting rid of your husband and the baby might bring immediate relief for the moment, but consider the lives you are accountable for and why a decision to remove both of them out of your life could come back and hurt you in the long run.

This baby is a gift, and has the God-given right to life. No human being has ever been given the right to destroy what God calls sacred. You are just as valuable to God as your baby is. You would never want someone to take your life just because they felt they were entitled to do so.

I have re-read your story a couple of times and there are a few things that really stand out to me. Let me see if I can word them in such a way so you can understand what I am perceiving. Yes, you are under a heavy weight of indecision, so please give yourself more time to think things through, and please do not make any rash choices that only appear to be good choices but will leave you with ultimately more problems than you already have.

As far as your husband, his behavior is typical for many men. I have watched the way they are very careful to prioritize what benefits them the most. They will often take initiative to pursue things that will bring about a personal gain of some sort. Taking the initiative to follow up with counseling and have their weaknesses exposed and then be held accountable for them is something some men will avoid at all costs.

Avoidance is a practice they learn to cover up, but they are really lying to themselves.They will consciously or unconsciously deny the importance of working through issues because it's easier to say, "That's just how I am." Everything you have stated above leads to your husband having the easy way out. To face reality and responsibility seems too far out of his reach right now, either because he chooses to keep both at a distance, or because he really is ill-equipped to handle the magnitude of them.

If he could hear himself speak, he would hear himself saying that his feelings and priorities are the only ones that count. Interesting that your future revolves around what works for him.

Have you ever considered getting couseling at a Bible based church? Most churches have qualified staff members set in place to reach out to those in need, and usually free of charge. It may seem daunting at first, to sit and reveal your deepest hurts, but you will have the certainty that your thoughts and feelings will be handled with great care and lots of love.

I know I have written a lot here, but before I close, I do want to pass along an article that will help steer you toward keeping your baby. http://bit.ly/2eojZbr

Please read the article and promise yourself that you will pray before you do anything, and ask God to protect your baby. I wish I could give you a hug now, and reassure you that the answers will fall into place when you invite God to be a part of every detail. I promise I will be praying for you friend.

Krissy - posted on 10/10/2016

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Wow honey you've sure got a mess on your hands. Obviously you love him, otherwise you wouldn't have stuck it out for 11 years and sought counselling. Have you told him how you feel? Communication is the key to a good relationship, if he's not listening to you it's time to have the serious talk, let him know you're ready to walk away, if that doesn't register with his childish brain nothing will. Men are like children, they never grow up, especially men who have had bad childhoods, us women handle that differently, I had one of the worst upbringings you could imagine, violence drugs alcohol sexual abuse and I was the oldest so I've always been very maternal and like you I've applied for his jobs, loans etc I do everything for him and it's my own stupid fault. I know you're feeling sick with bubby but that's life, it will eventually pass or maybe it won't, my first was sickness 24/7 but I ate apples and dry toast and got over it. If he's not going to step up to the plate maybe you should be the main bread winner and let him stay home with the kids, he can be the house husband, he'll soon see just how easy he gets it.

My mother is a nutcase too so don't feel so bad about that, I asked her to look after my son for 4 days while I relocated back home (5 hours away) she said yes on the condition that her and her husband were going to keep my son and raise him as their own...wtf? Lol I won't even tell you what I said but I think you can imagine, at that stage I had split with my husband, he'd left me with a 3 month old and one on the way but I done it, I done it all by myself.

Ultimately it's your decision, either your husband is going to help you work through this or he isn't, time and effort has to be put in from both sides not just one and if he's willing to lose his family because of his employment & restlessness then he's a moron. Don't let money ruin your relationship. That's about all I can say Hun, be firm but gentle, don't blame him for everything because you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married him and if you do work things out, later down the track he may resent you. Just sit down and have the talk, let him know exactly how you feel. That's about all I can say Hun. I wish you all the luck in the world and I do hope things get better for you both.

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