Pregnant with second kid, single, and my life is falling apart.

Jaclynne Michelle - posted on 05/12/2016 ( no moms have responded yet )

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Hello, it's been a while since I have posted on here. Things were going pretty good between raising the child and getting a life together. Saving up for a house, establishing credit, getting my boy to be more open in communication and eating better meals/trying new things. Recently, my life has completely flip-flopped and I'm in a dark, dark place where it's effecting my relationship and time with my son...
I worked at a convenience store for a year. 7 months into the job, things with my former whom I've been with for almost 2 years were not working out and made the tough decision of finally calling it quits. Shortly after, a coworker and I began to mingle. One thing lead to another and we fell really fast.. A little too fast. Things were great; my son and him really hit it off and I saw a lot of potential in this guy being the ideal step-father. We planned so many things, so early. Not even a month into dating we talked about moving in, having kids, getting married. We are both very wise when it comes to relationships and know what we want. Man, I loved this guy like no other. Unfortunately, things fell apart QUICKLY, due to miscommunications, guards, rushing things, betrayal (we would've been just dandy had we both not jumped from a relationship to another, :( especially him still perpetually hurting from losing his step kid) . And our on and off relationship ended...
Our last effort, our last shot at our relationship was only because of one thing... That he had gotten me pregnant in late March. When I told him the news, we agreed to make things work... Which things did not. Our trust in each other is so broken. We are holding onto a small glimmer of hope that time will fix things, and their may be a chance at working on being a family. As for now, we agreed it is smartest to establish a friendship, a solid foundation, and see what happens from there....
Through everything that has happened, I could not bring myself to go back to that job. Recently, I took a LOA to unwind and quit smoking, but the atmosphere is too dense and find myself choking up at the breakfast station. So, now I am jobless, and my dreams of getting a home for my kids and I are down the drain. (Currently I am living with my parents)...
Through the downfall of the relationship, the stress of living in a depressing uncomfortable environment (having to quiet my son when my Dad is home, a Nana that spoils the grandkids horribly, and 3 dogs that are not house trained), walking away from a job, and spiraling through thoughts and fantasies of this pregnancy, I currently have no strength for anything. Everyday is a challenge to do the little things, let alone get my son out and doing activities. Which I fail to enjoy. I am so much harder on him; when he goes into bouts of fits I am no longer calm and patient, but yelling and walking away for a cigarette...
God I hate smoking... I constantly worry if there is any harm to this baby yet. My willpower fails me, and though I know the consequences, I am torn between calming down for my family's sake and... *sigh* There's just so much... My son deserves better. He deserves to go to parks, have arts and crafts time, be taught new things.. and I can't bring myself to do that..
I'm grateful for my parents. They are great people overall and my mom has stuck by my side since the beginning, trying to pick me up when I'm down. But this house is hell. So much negative energy floods every room, ESPECIALLY MY BEDROOM. Good god, I dread being in there. Lately, I've been avoiding it, only going in when necessary. One room downstairs, the dogs inhabited. I don't let my son go in there, it's filthy. Before my parents brought them in, I enjoyed cleaning every inch of the house, staging and decorated rooms. They were so pleased. I just want a place of my own to do that again. I believe if I could move out, my relationship with my son would improve again. We'd do more, no pressure of having to be quiet or do all activities in a cramped, crowded room. I'd hope it would... My mind constantly goes back to the man who got me pregnant. What we could've had. A family...
I just want that little bit of hope to be crushed, so I could heal and enjoy life again, and plan on being a single mother of 2 and enjoying my son. The stress needs to go... I fear the worse, and this should be more reason and motivation to quit smoking. My first pregnancy, at week 38 I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and had to be induced. I found out a few weeks ago that it is twice the risk in future pregnancies... The cause for preeclampsia is unclear, but the stress and smoking... No, no not thinking of this right now.
... I do not know if there is any real advice or answers for this, this is all things I need to work out myself. I guess I'm more so seeking comfort, and convincing that things will be ok. Every day is a challenge and there are days I feel dead. I just want to feel alive.. For my kids' sakes.
And, uh, my apologies for the lack of structure of this post. My thoughts bounce around and I present them as they come.

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