Price of happiness

Amanda - posted on 09/12/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )




Hello, I am hoping to get some advice on a recent argument that happened the other night with my husband. This is a long one, so I apologize! We've been together for 10 years, married for 6 and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. We are happily married, sometimes we don't get along but we always seem to work through our problems for the most part. Last night we got into a really big fight which caused me to lash out (swearing, slamming doors)...all in front of our daughter. It made her so upset that she chased me around the house saying I was being "very mean"'and that I "shouldn't treat Daddy that way". It was awful. I feel like such a horrible mother but I was SO UPSET and could not control my anger. Meanwhile, when I was telling him how I felt and screaming about it, my husband just sat on the couch and said nothing the whole time. It made me even more upset. We got into an argument because the company he has been employed with for 10 years isn't doing well and he's afraid he might lose his job. This is very scary for me as I am new in my career (I work as a real estate agent and am not making any money yet). I stayed home after my daughter was born and was a "stay at home mom". I am just now getting back into a career. We also live in a very tiny house (800 sq ft) and want to eventually sell and get a bigger home. We've been working on selling and buying something else since we moved here 6 years ago. Back to my point, his job, he's been talking about it every other day and it's really causing me to stress out. The worst part of it is he wants to go back to school to be a teacher because that's been his life long dream and he wants to do something that will make him happy. He's been working with computers for over 10 years and has no teaching experience. He has the opportunity to get a certification (something to do with computers) that would be great on his resume and allow him to get a job that pays the same (possibly even more) than what he makes now if he were to loss his job. He decided he doesn't want to get this certification because it's not what will make him happy, he's decided that teaching will make him happy. I would normally be okay with his career change (even if that meant he would have to go back to college and get a degree in teaching, which he doesn't have). However, starting salaries of teachers in our state are less than half of what he makes now. If he goes back to school to get his degree in teaching (which he'll have to take out student loans for) he'll end up getting a job making less than half of what he makes now. I'm furious about it. I've told him that it's a huge mistake and that he needs to do what's best for our family. If this was ten years ago when he was 20 this would have been a great idea but not when your married, have kids and in your 30's. I feel like what he's doing is very selfish and it really (excuse my language) pisses me off big time. I don't know how we'll manage to survive if he does this, never mind, do things like purchase a new home and be able to live comfortably. I really don't know what to do about it anymore as its been stressing me out sooo badly. He brings it up every couple of days and I keep telling him to not talk about it unless he losses his job and then we'll worry about it. I really think going back to college to get a degree in teaching is a horrible mistake. I'm all for my husband being happy but not at the expense of our family having to live uncomfortably and miserable because of it. I tried explaining to him (calmly, multiple times before) that there are other things he could do and that not many people get to work their dream job but he's so narrow minded and thick headed that he just says nothing back when I tell him how I feel. What should I do?? Am I being totally crazy about this and just let it slide, should I leave it alone or try talking to him again? Advice, please?


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/13/2016




I agree with Michelle and dove.

You both need to back off. Good on him for keeping his mouth shut whilst you freaked would have jumped all over anything he said in the heat of the moment (been there...done that, not pretty)

I also need to point out that in your 30s is about the time that people really start evaluating themselves, their life, etc. I was 32 and hubs 37 when we uprooted entirely, moved states, and changed careers so that he could go from being an automotive tech to an automotive instructor. I wasn't happy about it, but he had worked his ass off during the first 12 years of our marriage, so he deserved it. Our kids, at the time, were 3 and 7. He didn't need to go back to school to teach tech school. His field experience was sufficient. Depending on what your husband wants to teach, you may be pleasantly surprised.

First, though, you need to apologize to your daughter for losing your temper. Explain that even grown ups have a bad day. Then you and hubby need to rationally discuss this.

Michelle - posted on 09/13/2016




I agree with the other ladies.
You are both in the wrong here and I suggest that you both stop and listen to each other.
He is allowed to have a career that he enjoys, even if it doesn't pay as much as he is getting now.
Just remember that he has stuck at this job to support you while you were a SAHM, now he probably sees it as his turn to do what he wants. Maybe coming to a compromise and him waiting until you have established your career a bit more is better than butting heads and arguing in front of your child.
You both need to sit down and have a calm discussion, not just having your say and not listening to the other.

Dove - posted on 09/13/2016




He is stressed out about the possibility of losing his job and trying to find a solution to the stress that will make him happy. I do understand YOUR stress over the finances, but when he comes to you with his stress and ideas you have shut him out and 'crapped' on his desires. Then you freaked out on him in front of your child (which he was right to keep his mouth shut as fighting in front of your child is completely unacceptable).... At least if I understand your post correctly.

This is definitely something the two of you need to work out together, but you BOTH really need to listen to each other and be a team here... and it doesn't sound like either of you are doing that right now. Maybe if you take the first step he will be more receptive to working w/ you and find a compromise that will bring you both peace.

Kathy - posted on 09/13/2016




It seems that your husband is just blocking you out at this point. I know that it will be very difficult; but try to just give him some space and time. He must know how you feel at this point, and he has to realize that, financially, this is just not the best move; but he has dug in. He may be angry because he feels that you don't really care about what he needs, so it might be wise to reassure him of your love and concern for his feelings. It may even be possible that, as your career progresses, you will be able to take up the financial slack, and he will be free to pursue his career choice. He hasn't lost his job yet, & it may not happen. Try to relax, and let him just think about this for awhile. If he senses that you support him, he may start to process this more rationally, instead of just turning it into a battle.

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