Problems with ex

Alex - posted on 08/20/2013 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I'm 18 and 26 weeks pregnant me and my ex split up 4 weeks ago due to him lying and cheating and wanting to have fun before his baby is born. I asked for money of him to put towards her pram and he said no he has got a holiday to pay for and needs spending money for his holiday and he has everything he needs for her. he has everything second hand even a second hand cot with a second hand mattress that's stinks and a second hand Moses basket witch is broke. Then he goes and buys a pair of shoes she won't fit in till she is two and puts a picture on Facebook and now everyone thinks he's a top dad and gets her everything. He also thinks he's goin to take her of me when she is a couple of weeks old to stay at his when I'm breast freeding her :s he is also taking steroids which makes his mood change and make him nasty I don't trust him with her atall I wouldn't trust him with a goldfish never mind my child! He didn't even want her when I found out and said I had ruined his life. I'm not putting him on the birth certificate a

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Alex, you still need to go through the court system. Just because he doesn't want anything to do with you NOW doesn't mean he won't change his mind once the child is here. If he changes his mind, and you don't have a court order for visitation, he can make your life and your child's life a living Hell. He could do it just because he's feeling vindictive and wants to hurt you. You owe it to your daughter to get your legal affairs in order. It is YOUR job to protect your daughter, and you need the courts on your side to do that.

You might think right now that he will never come around, but it was only a couple of months ago that you thought he was such an amazing guy you decided to make a child with him, and now look at him. People change at the drop of a hat. Just because someone says something one day, doesn't mean they will feel the same way the next day.

Sz - posted on 08/25/2013

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I agree with Mary re: getting an order of protection.
Re: his access to the child. Most courts use a "best interests of the child" standard. They definitely will consider threats against your lives and the effect of medication/drugs on his ability to parent safely. The courts will discount things like being late as unimportant. Don't both bringing up the "small" stuff unless it's a pattern that you can document (keep notes).
One other note, women tend to do better with lawyers than in mediation according to studies on the subject.

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Make sure you keep a record of his threats. If you use a smartphone, there are apps that will allow you to record your calls. Those recordings are admissible in court as long as one of the people (you) knows the conversation is being recorded. The court cannot take your word on threats--they cannot do anything at all about them unless you have proof that he made them. That includes limiting visitation, so make SURE you document EVERYTHING.

If you only have a home phone, get a caller ID and don't answer his calls. Communicate everything with him via email so that you have a paper trail that proves that you kept him informed of developments and documents any threats he might make.

Sz - posted on 08/21/2013

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Get a good lawyer because this is going to affect you and your child for the rest of your lives. Get sole physical and legal custody and, if he's on steroids, very limited supervised visitation (you can always allow more visits without a court order). Provide for college, including books, college fees, room and board, application fees, etc. (percent based on your relative incomes averaged over 3 years - stops him from suddenly becoming poor). Provide for medical expenses (e.g., split after first $100 a year). Don't forget to get the proof of steroids, even if it means getting him to acknowledge he's taking them in response to a friendly email from you.

Dove - posted on 08/20/2013

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Your baby isn't even born yet..... Don't rob her of a father before she's even here.

True, he MIGHT not come around and you can't force a man to be a dad, but that is his call to make... not yours and not before she is even here. You have no idea what will or will not happen after your daughter is born. Your daughter has a legal and moral right to be supported (financially and emotionally) by BOTH her parents. I really hope you will get that court order once she is born.

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Mary K - posted on 08/23/2013

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Alex if he's threatening you you should get an order of protection just to be Safe side. I've had friends with unruly Men, who have ended up hurt do to bad tempers and violenice. Best of luck sweets.. just remember to be strong at all cost.. and try not to stress.

Jo - posted on 08/23/2013

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Also...men tend to give it the big one about wanting this time, that time, custody etc etc over unborn children. The reality when the baby is born is very different.
Once your baby is born then consider his wants - asking him to be very clear on what he is wanting and get this in wiriting from him. Once you have these get some advice from your health visitor or even a lawyer if you need to. These needs and wants are often based on pumped up 'father of the year' theory not real ability or desire. Unfortunately in your situation as the father of the child he has a right to access but only what is right and reasonable for your child. While your breastfeeding this access is clearly going to be limited and don't be forced to pump breast milk just so he can make himself feel better!!! The bond between mother and baby is important in the first few months and breast is definitely best. In summary whatever your feelings for your ex or his for you the best must be done for your child. Try not to stress about what hasn't happened yet as pregnancy should be enjoyed and try not to let yours be overshadowed by steroid fuelled ego threats!!! Good luck. There is plenty of support out there for you and speak to your official support network as much as you need to - doctors, HV, friends, familly etc .

Alex - posted on 08/21/2013

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I will do thankyou. He rang my house phone this morning and said he wants us both dead. All my family have gone on holiday. I can't wait till they are back

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2013

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Alex, in addition to what the other ladies have advised, when you say you'll get "help" as a single mother, just keep in mind that in many places, there is no financial help for single mothers unless you go through the process of claiming child support from the father first. I know where I live you must have a child support case in order to apply for assistance.

Either way, your daughter deserves to have the support paid. Even if you don't want it, what about putting in a college fund for her (or something similar). Kids get very expensive as they get older, it might come in handy one day. You also never know what may happen in the future. What if you became ill, or for some reason couldn't work? Shit happens in life. Your daughter deserves that child support from her father.

Ev - posted on 08/20/2013

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These ladies are right, Alex. At least get the support your child is going to need. You may be doing well right now and able to support her, but you do not know what tomorrow brings. What happens if you somehow can no longer hold a job? Where is the support going to come in and where from? You need to think of the future as well as now. IF you don't, YOUR CHILD WILL BE THE ONE TO SUFFER.

Alex - posted on 08/20/2013

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As I said bellow he no longer wants anything to do with us both and if that's how he wants to be I don't need his money I earn enough and I have the help of my family and ill get help being a single mum. I'm just going to look forward to being a mummy on my own to my beautiful little girl. :) if he doesn't want to be there i can't help that

Ev - posted on 08/20/2013

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Yes, it does. It will establish what he is able and not able to do via the court orders. You need him to pay support to this child so you can have the help that you need to be sure she has her clothing, bedding, doc visits, food, and so on as she grows up. He is responsible no matter if he follows a visitation roster or not.

Alex - posted on 08/20/2013

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Thank you. He's text me before saying he doesn't want anything to do with me and my baby. he has a new girlfriend and she could be pregnant and he doesn't want to waste his life or money on us! So non of it matters anyway

Dove - posted on 08/20/2013

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Ditto Jodi. Go through court and get custody, visitation, and child support set up as soon as she is born. They do have a right to a relationship with each other, but he does not have the right to disrupt her life and routine on a whim. A court order will prevent that from happening by giving him reasonable times that he can see his child.

Leaving him off the birth certificate will not change the fact that he is her father and she has a right to know him.

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2013

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My apologies, I just assumed with all the horrible things you said and then this "I don't trust him with her atall I wouldn't trust him with a goldfish never mind my child!" that you didn't ever want him around your child.

This is where a court order comes in. It will specify the visitation times. So you should make sure you file for full custody, and then set a visitation schedule, initially with short and frequent visits, then, as your baby get older, overnight visits. This will eliminate his belief that he can just see her whenever he chooses (such as 8pm at night).

Alex - posted on 08/20/2013

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He won't pay to go through the courts anyway he's to selfish. Iv never said he can't see her iv said he can come to my house to see her. He lives in a dreamworld and thinks he can go to work finish work go to the gym till 8 o'clock and then come and see his daughter and take her to his which is a joke ino when she is here he won't make an effort he will be to busy think about himself and going to the gym as per.

Jodi - posted on 08/20/2013

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Birth certificate or not, he is still going to have rights. He can apply for them through the courts. Your child also has a right to get to know both of her biological parents. While I highly doubt he will get custody of her, especially as you are breastfeeding, he will get rights to visitation. Why would you deny her getting to know her father? It doesn't matter how you feel about him, that won't be taken into consideration. On the flip side, he also has an obligation to pay child support, so the courts will make that decision for him too.

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