Problems with the mil

Maggie - posted on 09/10/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My husband is 7 years my junior. We started dating when he was 21, and I was 28. I already had two sons from a previous marriage. My husband is a Christian, and I am too, but I came from a dysfunctional home. We got pregnant, and I believe everything happens for a reason, so we got married. I was not the first choice for his parents, and my mil had no problem with telling me who she thought was. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in the marriage, so has my husband (me more so). After 14 years and another daughter we have worked through a lot of it. My mil and fil to everyone appeared to be model parents in law. And they were good to me. I have to give credit where credit is due, unfortunately that does not entitle you to a pass. My mil had no problem allowing little comments to slip out. A lot of times the person being hurt by them, is the only one that would notice. It caused a lot of problems between my husband and I at first. In my efforts to get along, I would say nothing, and then cry and be upset as soon as we left, not understanding why she was saying what she was saying. Then my son was born. My mil became very controlling. My husband is an only child, and it was a miracle that they even had him. She naturally was very excited, given that she never got to adopt. She started doing things that would upset me, like answering when my children called for me. Not bending with the holidays, wanting to make her own traditions, at mine and my families expense. Not buying my children anything that said I love Mommie on it, no biggie, I know, but when I would and let them wear it, she would comment about it. She always wanted to pick their clothes, (she was buying), based on how she dressed my husband, and then rub the receipt in my face. They always made demands on our time, making comments about how we should save our money, we were hurting at the time (then they would come through and buy everything the kids wanted). Trips were really only supposed to be taken with them. My husband's respect for his mother wouldn't allow him to confront her on it, as a matter of fact, when we would disagree and she would be upset he would feel bad for it, b\c they were helping us out financially. She got better as my son got older, but then my daughter was born and it started all over again, but worse. I finally got enough nerve to confront her about it in an email, we didn't talk for months, then we had a sit down. She was very standoffish, and would not admit to any wrong doing. We went on, while I had to hear that they had to walk around on egg shells in front of me. Then it got worse, because then she would ask little stupid things, like if it was alright to hold my daughter when we were around. She constantly questioned my parenting skills, suggesting that I didn't keep my baby clean enough (she showers 3 times a day), my daughter is petite, and all the other babies are fat so on and so forth. We went along until I found a book on the back of their guest toilet ( no doubt put there for my benefit) titled Can two women love the same man. Now , my mil loves to highlight, and of course, the whole page on respecting your mother and father were highlighted, but on one page, in particular, I got concerned. She had highlighted that adult parents should stay out of the lives of their children, unless abuse is suspected. I didn't like it, but I just filed it away. Until, we all met for lunch, me, my son and daughter, my mil, and my mom. She looked at my 12 year old and asked him flat out if he wanted to come and live with them. My son didn't know what to say beyond I don't know, my mom and I were both shocked, and I left without setting the record straight. I did shortly there after though. This was in Jan. We haven't spoken since. About a month after the Jan incident, and 2 weeks after seeing the kids, they mentioned something about suing for grandparent rights. My husband got angry at this point, and said if they did that they would never see him again. Now you have to remember that these were people that were used to seeing their grandchildren once or twice a week. Because I wasn't going around, they assumed that my husband wouldn't either. We were living with my mother at the time, and I think she was jealous of my mother getting to spend so much time with her grandchildren. She proceeded by telling anyone that would listen about her plight including our friends, while I chose to remain silent. Knowing that things could snow ball very quickly. You would be surprised how many people rallied to her side. Including my flesh and blood son, their step grand son who was having my grandchild, and his new wife and her mother. They are all great friends now, and I have been left out in the cold. It hurts beyond hurt. My son had chosen to disclude me from the pregnancy when he found out what went on with my mil. My mil and fil are rich and throw money around, it shames me to say, but I believe that is the factor here when it comes to my new dil, her mom, and my son. My ex who is also rich has cut my son off for his own reasons, and neither one of us were present for my grandbaby's birth. My mil has posted numerous picts. of her and my grandbaby up on facebook, and while my dil was pregnant they often hung out together. I don't know how to move on from this. Believe or not I love my mil and my fil, and everyone involved, but I feel so betrayed. I can't get that moment back it is gone forever. My son at home misses his grandparents, but I worry now that if she can't control her tongue when I'm there what is she going to do, when I'm not. There is going to be so much damage control that I'm not sure that we can even fix it. I'm not sure I even want to. I know in my heart that it wasn't right what she said, but everyone else seems to think that it is okay. Please help! I sure could use the advice.

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Maggie - posted on 09/10/2012

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Firebird - Thank you for your response. Yes, I have tried. I'm not sure what is going on with my son. I hope and pray that the future will be better.

Firebird - posted on 09/10/2012

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I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I want to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through! have you ever tried to set the record straight with your son and daughter in law? Are they even willing to hear your side?

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