LHovey - posted on 01/12/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )
In 1988 I suffered from one of the most traumatic experiences of my life when I nearly died delivering my daughter and ripped nearly in two with a 4th degree laceration and bleeding all through the night. The pain I felt was indescribable--In the end, I ripped from stem to sturn and I had lost nearly half my body's blood. The pain I felt in delivery I feel must be like what it feels like to be cut with a machete (sorry for the graphics)
My trauma was physically very extensive as I lay on the brink of the shadows of life and death in those moments, my body in shock and my soul in torment. It was a harrowing time for me.
On a good note~ I did have a very divine experience that night that has forever changed the course of my life for the good. But on a personal relationsip note during the time as I was in recovery when I was about 5 weeks after my body had been torn in two from delivering my daughter-- my then spouse forced his way inside and ripped open my stitches. I never forgave him for the horrific pain, trauma, disrespect and abuse. We are now divorced for over 17 years. But I left him over 23 years ago. My daughter is 25. Yet, he has still been sick enough to pine over me still and manipulate to try to be in my life and it is very disturbing to me.
I finally met a man I feel safe with, after the abuse from my ex, I stayed alone for many many years. It has been just over ten years since I started an emotional journey with this other man, and we have been right on the cusp of a beautiful love. However, my sick ex and others are always trying to interfere. I feel such disgust there are no words and have considered relocating to another part of the country to just be able to live as me..
God is ever present in my life and I am so grateful he saved my life in those moments when I sat on the brink of death during delivery, he claimed me as his and saved me when the doctors could not. But sometimes when people make light of the horror of what happened to me that morning when I ripped in two delivering her, the night that followed when I bled out half my blood, and the sexual trauma by my ex, I get so enraged and disgusted. I have shut so many people out of my world for trying to make light of what happened to me and who have even gone so far as to try to help my ex by manipulating things in my world.
Overall, my daughter and I have stayed close, very close over the years. I raised her alone, However, she too has been sick at time enabling her father's sick obsession and unwillingness to admit the evil thing he did to me. It is not easy for a child to know there father traumatized their mother. I understand that he is still her father, but she should always understand and respect my feelings and needs.
I know there are other women who have been traumatized as well. I am just reaching out to you. I have been unable to have intercourse in over 23 years now. Sexual intimacy has been a serious issue. However, this man I love and I have found ways to deal with these issues and I love him dearly. He gets insecure though and doesn't know quite what it was like( not that any man could) but His heart means well. But my hatred towards the vile stuff my ex did in the past and his continued abuse by trying to meddle in my life is just beyond the pale after all the trauma he caused me. He broke my body and has the audacity to try to destroy my happiness-- anyway, thanks for letting me speak my mind.