Puberty and female tweens with ADHD

Sonya - posted on 10/25/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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First, hello! I am new here and this is myt first post. My name is Sonya. I am 48 years old and live in Trumansburg, NY, about 20 minutes north of Ithaca, on the west side of Cayuga Lake. I have been in healthcare for over 30 years, including RN, BSN for 26, 4 years of college, 2 years at BOCES/vocational school, while in high school, LPN training, sat for and passed my state board, but never practiced because I went directly to Keuka College the fall after graduation, nurses' aide in high school, and really dating myself here, over 400 hours volunteering as a Candy Striper! lol I am currently a Case Manager at Visiting Nurse Service of Ithaca & Tompkins County, for the last 14 months, and it is the best job I ever had. I am married to a wonderful husband and father, Michael, who is a stay-at-home dad (thinking about looking for PT work after tax returns allows the purchase of a second vehicle), and mom to Gayle Janine, 12 (13 in April) and Samantha (Sammy -- 10 earlier this month).

While both my girls have ADHD, Gayle is my primary concern in this post. Her ADHD has always been more emotional control, anger issues, outbursts (verbal & emotional, mostly, but some physical, usually directed at Sammy). Now, these symptoms are also prevalent in puberty, especially the emotional and attitude, so I am having trouble distinguishing in which is which. She just had her first menses about a week ago. I will NOT tolerate the attitude, back talk, treating me like she is my parent or spouse. I have told the girls I will ask nice, ONCE, for something to be done, etc, then will get less nice FAST, with each subsequent request. My husband does not tolerate stress well and it usually falls to me to be the disciplinarian, while he stays in the other room, usually out of direct ear shot of normal conversation. So, as the conversation escalates, he does not hear the build-up to yelling. Gayle screams at me, insulting and disrespectful comments, very nosy, etc. Again, I will NOT tolerate such behavior; it will only get worse no matter what, need to nip it in the bud early and make my boundaries clear. She does not give him 1/4 of the attitudes she gives me. He thinks I am too 'mean' to them. I am torn! HELP!! Thanks!!

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Jodi - posted on 10/25/2013

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I am curious as to how things get "less nice FAST". I mean, do you just escalate it to yelling, or do you remain calm? Do you ask once, then give them time to move from one activity to the other, or are you expecting immediacy? When they don't respond, do you ask again nicely and remind them of consequences, or do you just start administering consequences? I just need more information before I feel I can give advice or comment.

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