punishments for 8tr old

Nicole - posted on 04/21/2010 ( 55 moms have responded )

1

28

0

My 8yr old step-daughter has started fibbing about everything, how she done at school, why she got in trouble, etc. She is also very bad about talking back and yelling at adults. Any suggestions about punishments???? She earns a quarter for every positive thing we can put on a chart but it does not help with the fibbing. We have also tried taking things away from her but it does not phase her. Help please.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Annie - posted on 04/21/2010

2

0

1

This is tough. I, for one, don't have perfect kids but I do have experience in these areas. Mine are 21, 18 and 14. I was in recovery when I had them and started drinking again when my youngest was 4. I am now sober again, but my 8 years of drinking did some damage. Still, My older two and I went to therapy when they were babies so I could learn how to parent. One thing that worked was matter of factly telling my kids that I could not hear them when they yelled at me or cried for what they wanted. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you when you talk to me that way." "Try speaking in a way that I am willing to hear." If they did not change their tone I tried really hard not to show I was aggitated. I just smiled and said, "Nope, I still can't hear you. Try again when you are ready to speak in a way I can hear." That gives them the power over their own choice. Another thing I do is apologize when I am not speaking respectfully. I tell them that I could have said the same thing in a nicer way so that they could hear me. Mirroring the behavior you expect from them helps them to see how it is done. Regarding the lying, I would tell my children to show me with their actions because they had already proven that I can not trust their words. If she tells you she is doing well in school ask her to show you. "If you are telling the truth then your report card will reflect that." "What will your teacher say when I ask her?" Post any good work up where everyone can see it. Call a grandma or some other beloved person so your child can hear your pride in her effort. If my oldest could go the whole week without calling home with a "stomach ache" then he would be rewarded with one on one time with me at lunch on Friday. My kids are honest with me even when they know I won't like the truth. I thank them for being honest and we talk about how I feel about the situation. They trust me with the truth and that is important to them.

Kristin - posted on 04/21/2010

1,645

40

305

I don't really know what to say about the lying. But, you can use timeout for the disrespectful behavior.

How involved are her parent's in her day to day life and activities? If one parent is super involved and the other isn't, it shows up as misbehaving. It will be a thousand time worse if neither is concerned. If it's just you in your home showing interest and her father isn't, she will see it as prying and retaliate against you both. My sister at 12 - 13 was a perfect example of this when our parents started dating again following their divorce.

You may actually want to get away from paying her for good behavior. It will landslide on you and then backfire when you can't keep it up. Verbal praise and special outings for X number of stars that she earns for good behavior will get you the same results after a period of lashing out. Be consistent, all of her caregivers need to work together for this to help. Her parents need to take the lead, but also support you when she is lashing out at you.

I'm not saying that she has to have this or even needs it. But meeting with a child psychologist/therapist could help. Sometimes, kids are more willing to open up to someone who is a neutral party and is on their side, not their parent's.

You are in a tough spot being the step-mom. Good luck.

Kari - posted on 04/26/2010

4

12

0

Boundaries and consequences that she has power over. Practicality works. If she needs things from you and yet she has lied or back chatted you then be as un-emotional as possible and without over explaining just say 'No'. If she asks why don't enter into a debate just say... 'You lied about... I have asked you not to lie and you have decided to still lie. So I will not...

If you debate or let her wiggle out it will only get worse. Be practical. You are the adult. If you get into long discussions or explanations then it looks like it is negotiable. Put down you boundaries of what you expect and require from her for you to do the 'extras' that she would like. Remember that you have an authority as an adult influence in her life. Even without being her natural Mom you have a right to expect certain behavior and administer the consequences if she chooses to do the opposite of what she knows you expect. But try not to make it about 'her' being 'bad'. It is her behavior that is unacceptable. Good luck. P.S. I have 3 kids of my own and 2 step-children so we have a lot of boundaries in our house.

Amanda - posted on 04/22/2010

13

0

0

Is it for self-protection? Is she truly afraid of the punishment for what she's done wrong? Underneath it all, does she feel secure and loved enough to admit imperfections? Ask her 'do you feel loved by me / your dad?'. Knowing it and feeling it are two different things. If her answer is not totally positive, find the book called 'The five love languages for children' by Dr Gary Chapman - it is of amazing value to parents.
My children are younger, so I'm not sure this will help you, but every time they lie, I look them in the face and say 'tell me the truth. It's important to me right now, that you tell me the truth about this' (we've already had the big discussion to give them the understanding about what I mean). Then, when they tell me the truth, I thank them, say I'm proud of them, give them a hug and say I love them. After that, I say, "but what you've done wasn't right, so let's talk about that.....how can we fix it...." etc... Good luck :)

Kim - posted on 04/21/2010

54

24

7

I don't know what your relationship is with her, but how is her relationship with her dad? Is he spending enuf time with her just one on one. This is very important. I was in a relationship with someone who had a 9yr old boy and my boyfriend wanted us to always do this together, but I would have him do things just him and his son. His son and I ended up having a great relationship. When speaking with her - keep away from the negativity - positive reinforcement, praise her when she does something good. Is her mom in the picture, maybe speak with her and she how she is when she is with her. There is something that is bothering her, just talk to her and she if she will open up.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

55 Comments

View replies by

JuLeah - posted on 03/19/2011

3,133

38

694

You can't punish away behavior. You have to figure out why she is fibbing, yelling and talking back. All behavior serves a need, has a function. Figure out what need she is meeting with this behavior, find a replacement behavior that meets that need and you can live with and teach her that. This is true with all behaviors.
Also, behavior is so impacted by diet and sleep .... she ought to be getting ten hours or more a night and watch her diet. If she is eating a lot of suagr, or processed foods, you might really be seeing that in her actions.
Sounds like she has something very important to say that you are not hearing ....

Ange - posted on 03/19/2011

233

21

14

I agree with you Linda for the most part... But for the step thing I have a daughter who is a step to me but we don't look at it that way at all does not change any feelings or what not but you can not force a child to call you mommy... When her dad and I got to gether she was calling me Ange then sometime after her dad and I got married she started to call me mommy but was unsure at first as she didn't know that she was allowed too... we had let her know that she could call me mommy or ange that it was completely up to her on what she wanted to call me.... and that is were the step came out and our relationship came closer then it ever was before

Sherryl - posted on 04/25/2010

4

6

0

The biggest problem is that you are NOT her mom--you are more like a foster mom. I think the thing to do is make a list of the rules of the home and then praise her to heaven when she does well in any area. I like the idea of tape recording her screaming--be sure that you are not screaming back. Always try to maintain composure and speak distinctly and carefully -- weighing every word. Try to find a calm time to discuss what may be the base of her problems perhaps she cannot even put them into words. Listen a lot. Ask questions which encourage but don't expect it to be easy or her to be open. Be open yourself. Tell her why certain behaviors are not acceptable. Good luck and pray pray pray!!

Julie - posted on 04/24/2010

6

0

0

Family Counciling is in order to find out where the anger is coming from. Acknowldge her feeling. "I can tell your angry..let's talk about how you feel." Love and logic is a wonderful website to go to. http://www.loveandlogic.com/ People will bring their dogs to obiedience training but will not do any parent education. I do parent education at my work and Love and Logic is a wonderful link for families with children of that age group. Be careful of your reaction, She is counting on you to be negitive. Catch her being good and give her attention for her good behavior. When you give her attention for the negitive behavior she will continue with negitive behavior, because she will want to get attention anyway she can git it. The fibbing coming from different reasons, and that is where family counciling comes in., You don't want it to become a habit. some of the comments are accurate when they say nip it in the bud. But with a professional.

Marie C - posted on 04/24/2010

4

20

0

for your son, you have to start taking away stuff that he really love, like the video game, the play time outside, visit at his favorite cousins.All he get to do, sit on the floor to meditate, and read the bible in the part that talk about obedience, self control, honor your mother and your father in other to be blessed. also make some time to take him to church, do not underestimated the power of prayer. always compliment him on a good action, and tell him that he can regain his freedom by displaying the best attitude and also gain an allowance every week. it is working for my seven years old daughter, you have to be very patientt and consistent , in other word tough love; it works.lot of love,and i'll help you in my prayer marie

Linda - posted on 04/24/2010

14

5

1

I think your problem Nicole starts with the way "YOU" feel about your "step" daughter! In our family we have no steps -- except for the ones we walk on.

My eight-year-old daughter one time told my husband that the only thing that made him a step-father was the fact that he was a step closer to her heart than anybody ever had been to her before.

At the age of eight, children are old enough to reason and understand when they are not doing the right thing. In our family, when we attempted to become a "blended" family -- we all agreed to eliminate the word STEP from our vocabulary. My husband was DAD - period. I was Mom - period. And all the children living in our home was "OUR" children. They were not STEP children, they didn't belong to anyone else. They were lucky to have two fathers and two mothers -- whatever the case may be. They had a larger family and more hearts full of love.

The punishment should be out! She will only PUSH to see how far she can take you. Don't respond to that. That only puts you on their level. You make rules, you stick together (as husband & wife) and love that little girl with all your heart. She will come around. I promise.

I have just been through this. It has taken ten years. We adopted one of our grandchildren. She was horrified and thought we stole her from her mother. She hated me. We fought & fought. She has called me every name, fought with me, been disruptive when I have taken her shopping to the point I have had to leave the store to bring her home. When she got to be 7 she started hitting me and pulling my hair and then came the cussing. We have been everywhere with this one.

She turns 11 next week and just recently I took she and her friends to the park. Two nights ago she thanks me for never giving up on her. She told me she loved me and that I was an awesome mom. I couldn't believe my ears. But I had noticed a change in her lately. She has been trying really hard in school and suddenly all her school work is straight A,s -- So I think we may have turned that corner.

Just hang in there. It is so worth it.

[deleted account]

Your daughter may be fibbing because she is not receiving enough positive affirmation. She wants you to see her as good, smart, etc. and she's lying so that you won't know when she's been bad. Skip the punishment, instead let her know that you know she isn't telling the truth and then try to compliment something that she did correctly (no matter how small). She wants your praise so find something she does and praise. Try to keep perspective here, some lying in normal behavior for all age levels. Don't get caught up in the fact that she's lied, look for the underlying reasons. She's learned yelling behavior and a smart mouth by watching parents and/or too much TV. So watch what you are modelling. Tell her in a firm, normal voice that yelling is unacceptable and then place her in time out until she can come out an apologize for her behavior. I'd ditch that paying for good behavior right now. The price will only go up as she ages. Pretty soon you'll be buying designer handbags just to keep a little peace and quiet in the house. Instead make it clear that good behavior is her job. You do your job (homemaking or career) and she does hers.

Laurie - posted on 04/24/2010

15

11

1

I recommend not putting your step-daughter in the position of being tempted to lie. Instead of asking 'how are you doing at school?', instead say, 'did anything happen at school you'd like to talk about?' or 'I noticed your report card isn't as good as last term, is there anything I can do to help you?' Also, if you don't ask her if she did something that she obviously did, there is no reason for her to lie. Instead, say something like, I noticed the laundry all over the floor in your room. I'd really like to see it in the basket next time. or I can feel that the tv is warm, so someone has been watching it. Say nothing more because she knows she's been caught and that is enough. This takes away any need for lies and you can still keep communication open.

[deleted account]

One of the strategies I employ( starting at an early age) is that you have to say something politely to get a response. When they are rude I ask them to try it nicely over and over again. sometimes they have to try several times-or they can walk away. You will have to offer up an example at first. And be patient. The later you start, the more patience you need! Also remember that fibbing at this age is developmentally appropriate-not ok-just expected. There should be some good articles out there about it. I know parents magazine has done some on it.

Antonia Michelle - posted on 04/24/2010

5

1

0

May i ask a quistion how long have you been step mom and is there any other children ?

Lynnette - posted on 04/24/2010

1

20

0

Nicole, maybe try focusing a bit more on why she is lying and less on the punishment. Dont' get me wrong, there has to be a penalty for lying. Sometimes children who fear punishment do all that they can to avoid it. One way is to make a deal with your 8 year old. Explain to her that you both promise not to get angry (punitive) no matter what you did, if she tells you the truth yet she has to also be told that she will have to face the consequences. Once you create a connection it may be easier to correct the behavior. Hope this helps.

Shelley - posted on 04/24/2010

6

43

1

I possibly have a suggestion hun. it is very rare that my 4 children lie to me but if they do will accept what they say as they truth then I will praise them and say how lovely it is when they tell the truth and how proud of them I am for it. Usually this then makes them feel really guilty and they start to cry and admit the real truth so it a bit like reverse psychology. The guilt is also then their punishment because it makes them feel bad and they will usually apologize. with the back chatting I would suggest that when she is being disrespectful you ignore her and say to her that until she apologizes and speaks nicely you will continue to ignore her and say it is her choice what she wants to do. then it gives her all ownership of her behaviour. this is what i do for my very hormonal 11 year old daughter and her stroppy 8 year old sister. i would also do this if my 2 boys did the same but they dont (YET!!!!) and im hoping they wont.

SarahBeth - posted on 04/24/2010

16

5

0

You have a lot of good responses about the disrespect and antagonism... As far as the lying goes - encourage the imagination. I know that sounds backwards, but channel that to where it is not lying, it is storytelling. One example.... someone said theirs lied about a shower. So..... get her to tell you about the shower. "Was the water warm? How did it feel on your hair? " etc. etc. Then point out that she missed a spot, her hair could use a bit more shampoo - can she try again?

Now, channel that imagination. When she comes home from school..... "So what happened when you went to Mars today?" If she says she did NOT go to Mars - refuse to believe it, and keep asking questions until you get a good story. Mind you, this part has to be so unbelievable she KNOWS it is imaginary. Then ask her about school, honestly.

Whatever she says, take at face value. If you are sure it is a lie (like why she got in trouble) ask questions until you have inflated the story until it is REALLY impossible. THEN ask her what really happened.

(I heard you got in a fight. What happened? "The other girl shoved me." Oh really? Wow, did she have telekinesis like Jean Grey (Phoenix)? She shoved you from across the room? Oooh, that was scary. What else can she do?)

Candice - posted on 04/23/2010

18

13

0

I've heard this works... "I can't hear you if you talk to me like that. If you want to be heard, you will have to speak to me kindly and respectfully." Then make sure that's also the way you talk to her.

Patricia - posted on 04/23/2010

1

1

0

IGNORE!!! Give her lots of hugs and tel her you love her once in a while....

Jennifer - posted on 04/23/2010

6

8

0

Just keep reassuring her that by telling the truth she won't get punished, it has worked for my son who is 8, but I've always been doing that, so he never tells stories, and the teachers at school are suprised cause he tells the truth even though he was involved, but he can be very disrespectful but only towards me, but I pull him up every time. Maybe your stepdaughter has a build up of resentment and she needs her voice to be heard, have time to sit with her after school and talk about her day, even if she is fibbing just go along with, hopefully the fibbing will fase out.

Lisa - posted on 04/23/2010

8

19

0

I have had the same problem with my twin stepsons. In our case it was very much a reflection of what they get from their mother who is a pathological liar and has the propensity to lie in the face of the truth. My partner has always been at a loss of how to combat it when they are with him only half the time. (I have 3 kids of my own) I have always insisted to my kids that telling the truth is a way of respecting yourself and helping them to understand that they are responsible for the consequences of their actions and that good choices have good consequences, which in turns means that you can always be proud of the way you act and there is no need to lie. With my stepsons we let them know that we can tell when they are lying and gave them time out and refused to provide it with any attention and reiterated that if they lie then they are liars and getting them to realise that being a liar is a bad thing. It has been a hard year but with a consistent and direct approach I am pleased to say that they now hardly ever tell lies or fabricate ridiculous stories and we are able to regularly reward them for theri honesty including lessening punishments for other bad behaviours if they tell the truth about it.

Michelle - posted on 04/23/2010

1

13

0

she is just testing u what u need to do is take every thing from her for no out side no tv if she has tv in her room take it out for two days i have done this with my oldes and made her read the bible to understand what she did was wrong

Anne - posted on 04/23/2010

4

6

0

Is she loved or is she tolerated? how about asking her why she does things, speed up the dialog, start taking a REAL interest. You will never be a mum, but U can be a trustworthy adult who are understanding, stable and interested. Still after several years children mourn when their parents seperate and they have to live whith one at a time. When the parents re-marry they are left out, cause they are only part-time at the family. Read Attachment Theory and U might let up on the Behaviouristic theory

Amanda - posted on 04/23/2010

40

5

9

I agree with everyone who has said she may be acting out due to something she is going through emotionally. I don't think it could possibly hurt to have her talk to someone (a counselor or psychologist). If there is a more deeply-seeded problem, getting to the bottom of it and figuring out how to help her may alleviate the behavior altogether. In the meantime, however, the bad behavior needs to be addressed, and she needs to understand that when she tells a lie or talks to you disrespectfully, she is making a choice to do so, and for every choice one makes, there is a consequence. Give her examples from your own life of both good and bad choices that you've made and what the consequences were. My son is nine and has been going through a similar stage (although he is mostly talking back and being disrespectful, not so much the lying). What I have done for him since he was about three is this: for anything he does that involves using his mouth (i.e. using bad language, talking back, yelling, lying, etc.), I make him take a teaspoon of white vinegar. It is harmless, but it tastes awful, and it sends a powerful message. Just a hint, though: If you try this, you'll want to do it at the kitchen or bathroom sink because there is a chance those gag reflexes will send some stuff back up and out! The most imortant thing (at least in my opinion) is making sure that she understands that she has control over the choices she makes, and her choice to behave in an unacceptable way will have negative consequences for her. By the way, I have to agree with some of the others who have said that rewarding her with money for doing what she is supposed to do anyway probably isn't the best idea. Verbal praise and a big hug, I think, would be more appropriate. Save the monetary rewards for times when she goes above and beyond what she is expected to do.

Margaret - posted on 04/23/2010

4

10

0

Is she attention seeking?sometimes when a younger sybling is getting more attention a child well make themselves more "important" by telling tall stories or fibbing to bring focus and attention( good or bad) back to themselves.
explaining why this dissapoints you and cause problems if she makes it a habit of telling porkies l coupled with lots of support, love and attention especially when doing the right thing and telling the truth.
Important not to make her feel like a crim as kids have lots of things they try and then discard if it isn't working...
good luck with your daughter and give a little trust to make her feel trustworthy as this helped me...

Carrie - posted on 04/23/2010

2

15

0

this is meant for Kelli Burton...Of course you are her mom...her step mom! Don't you think otherwise!

As for the lying... stop with the quarters and say it will resume when the back talk and lying gets better. All kids lie. Try really rewarding her when she tells the truth, and let her know that either way she will be punished for what she did wrong, but the punishment is stronger if a lie is attached to the wrong behavior.
As for the yelling and back talk...i am with you, only my 6 year old daughter will do it too ( I have an almost 9 y.o. son). I think the key is to not yell back at them and NOT engage them...so much easier said than done of course. But if you respond to the yelling, and engage, she wins...

Marcella - posted on 04/23/2010

3

11

0

When you get an answer to this. Let me know. Having a similar problem in our house. Usually it is a sign of something else bothoring them, an underlying issue.

Tahnia - posted on 04/23/2010

26

5

1

The only thing you teaching children by beating them is to do it to others. Children don't respect adults who hit them, they are frightened of them. If the only way you can get your child to do what you want is by hitting them with a pipe then you need to get some serious help with your parenting. The fact that you have found something that wont leave lasting marks just shows that you know that it is wrong and you don't want your child's teachers to find out what you do. In Australia if a teacher became aware of what you were doing they would have to (by law) report you. Adults should be an example to children do you want your children to go and whack people with a pipe when they act in a way they dont like?

Stacia - posted on 04/22/2010

6

35

0

Hmm, check out Love & Logic (www.loveandlogic.com) I'm not sure if they have specific ways to help?

We try to do positive reinforcement. Sometimes it works, and sometimes we have to change it up. Our son does something good, we go OVER THE TOP with praise. He does something bad, we indicate disappointment or flat out ignore him on it.

As for lying, I call him on it. I say, "You're telling me something so you don't get in trouble. Realize, telling me the TRUTH doesn't get you in trouble, we'll work thru it. But lying to me? That means all your 'stuff' starts to disappear.

So far, it's working in our house.
Good luck!

Dana - posted on 04/22/2010

22

29

0

You have just described my life...I am hoping that you have better luck than I have...my step daughter is 11 and it is blatant lying daily...and nothing phases her. Good luck...I am going to page through the responses and hope to find something that has worked!

Sara - posted on 04/22/2010

2

0

0

sometimes you can only get a point across with reciprocal actions- similar to spatting a 2 yr olds hand before touching something hot so they understand that pain would definately associate with that action... with every question she asks give an obvious exxagerated lie as an answer-- ex: what time is dinner? "around 2 ocklock in the morning"... "are we going to wal-mart?" "no, we are going to the airport to fly to the moon" - make lying look stupid and ridiculous.

I ALWAYS double the punishment if they have lied about a bad action... one consequence for the lie and one for the bad action. I make it clear that the consequence would have been much less if truth had been spoken.

When truth is spoken- I try as much as I can to give mercy for the bad action they are admitting to.

Alison - posted on 04/22/2010

2,753

20

471

Here is an excerpt from an article about ADHD teens, but it still may be helpful:

"Parents should figure out why lying occurs and why it persists. If a child is struggling with problems at school or with peers, parents should deal with lying as an academic or social skills problem. If lies are deliberate and malicious—involving alcohol or drug use, shoplifting, or other delinquent behavior—they should be dealt with forcefully and consistently. That is the only way to discourage such negative behavior.

"Have a heartfelt talk with your teen about the serious consequences of breaking the trust between the two of you. Equally important, tell him how he can repair it. Follow these rules:

* Establish consequences for telling lies. Discuss these with your teen early on.
* Confront lying when it happens, but do so in a calm, respectful manner. The most important goal is to teach responsible behavior, not to criticize or blame.
* Be consistent and fair in enforcing consequences. Let the punishment fit the crime.
* Demand accountability. Taking responsibility means owning up to the lie, showing repentance, and offering a sincere apology to you and, in some cases, the family.
* Reward honesty. When little George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, he demonstrated character and, thus, received a lighter punishment.
* Be honest yourself. Parents are the strongest role models in their teens' lives.

"Even when you're tempted to blow a gasket, maintain a respectful relationship with your teenager. Mutual respect does not ensure honesty, but it certainly encourages it. "

Tristina - posted on 04/22/2010

2

30

0

My son is 9 and is exactly the same. Lies about everything from brushing his teeth to how his day was at school. It took me 9 years but I think I've got it figured. There must be something that your step-daughter loves more than anything in the world. TAKE-IT. Put it up on the fridge and put a note on the fridge that after 2 days of good behavior she will get it back. My son bought an Ipod with Christmas money and got to play with it for 1 day before he lost it for 2! I've also had him box up everything in his room and take it to charity before and that worked for a while but he's accumulated a lot again. A friend of mine had also taken her son right to the police station for a motivational speech. Liars turn out to be thieves and end up in jail.

Shelley - posted on 04/22/2010

275

23

17

Have you thought of fining her for 25 cents for each bad word, maybe more for fibbing. It will cost you 2$ if you say a bad word in my house out of your own money & it goes in to the church collection on sunday. With each my older boys I have had to be bruttle only once removing everything except their beds & making them slowly earn it back & following through everytime.

Yvonne - posted on 04/22/2010

82

8

0

After reading the replies I agree with most of them apart from Melanie Cash in the UK its illegal to punish your children by smacking them with your hand let alone a piece of plastic pipe or whatever it is! Whatever you decide Nicole make sure that your husband/partner backs you up when you are disciplining her (even if he doesn't agree) because if she sees that you are divided she will play you both off against each other and you will never gain any respect from her if daddy is letting her get away with it. Good Luck.

Leanne - posted on 04/22/2010

4

11

1

I raised 3 kids and helped with 4 step kids. This is what I know when a child is acting especially near puberty they are often pushing against their parents in order to define where the lines are. How far can I go until I get in trouble? Does anyone really care about me enough to notice what I am doing? Plus if she is possibly being bullied at school, she will act out in a safe environment. When a child acts out simply punishing them does only thing, and I advocate for discipline as children need to know where the boundaries are. But punishment is not what they are looking for they just don't know how to vocalize the issue that is deeply troubling them. Being a child of divorce is not easy. As the step mother it would be awesome if you could intently send her love though you are frustrated with her. If she doesn't shower that can be seen as her trying to take some control over her life, you need to allow her some measure of control in her life and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. After all not showering and learning about self control and her own power is a far easier way than how it can manifest later. Always let love be your guide.

Kim - posted on 04/22/2010

1

9

0

I have been having this same problem with my daughter> I got the school involved her teacher had her eat lunch by herself and then had to stay inside for reeses. I also had the school counselor talk to her. I think just talking to the counselor helped. It wasn't someone in the family. I wish there was just one answer but all children are different and you just have to keep your head up and DON"T give up. Good luck to you and your family!

Melanie - posted on 04/22/2010

9

20

0

I have a plastic, 1/4 inch round, rod for spanking. I think it is comes from the plumbing department, it's from something under a sink. These rods sting but do not leave lasting marks. Usually one, three, or five swats is enough. I don't have to use it very often because using it, in a calm way, has given me the respect of my children. Once they told another child that their mom is nice, but you better do what she says.



There is no reason for Dads to get all the respect and good behavior. Moms can be nice and tough as well.

Shasta - posted on 04/22/2010

2

32

0

I have an 8 year old son who acts like this too. not so much the lieing but talking back, telling me no, just very disrepectful to me now he listens to his dad because he is scared of his punishment. I have tried to raise my voice...... he thinks im kidding. i have tried time out......i give in. i tried spanking his butt..... he laughs at me. what works best for me is i take a time out and chill out then i ignore the rude bad behavior. its hard but i do it. then i praise the good behavior. when i ignore him and stay calm he see that its not getting me upset. I also explain to him to be respectful and dont act like that in public and its not nice to treat people that way. He does not act like that at school or in public or around family its when we are alone and he dont get his way. Its so hard i feel for ya cause i still struggle with it

Melanie - posted on 04/22/2010

9

20

0

I remember how my dad taught me not to lie. It was the old fashioned spanking method. He told me that lying was worse then what I did wrong and covered up. The truth was valued in my home. There were no white lies like telling someone on the phone that so-and-so isn't here. I have an aquaintence that works at DCFS. If a parent gets a spanking stick, is not angry, speaks to the child, swats can be given to the child (max 10) and jeans remain in place. This is an acceptable option according to the state of Illinois anyway.

The Book of Virtues has a whole chapter of stories that you can read to her about telling the truth. Any good redirection in a child's life begins first with an apology from the parent. I'm sorry I haven't taught you the value of honesty. It's so important for your life that this is something we can work on together. She must understand how important honesty is and not just that her dishonesty is causing you trouble or hardship which is why you want to correct it. You must appear to want to correct it for her sake and not yours to be effective.

[deleted account]

Communication between you, dad and any other caregivers such as teachers and her birth mother (if part of the day to day) is probably the most crucial. If everyone is willing to be truthful you can find out if the problem if everywhere or just at home. If it is everywhere, all people are probably just as concerned and following the same guidelines will help a lot. If it is just at home, you have to address why that may be...If there is time out at school, or loss of recess and such, then you can use the same tactics at home, time out and loss of privileges like TV, video games or whatever she's into. Praising her for when she tells the truth is good, but keep it to praise...perhaps her quarters could be more of an allowance, specific things like helping with the dishes or laundry and such...not just for good behavior. Everyone in society should have good behavior and not for any reason other than that is how we should treat each other. Make sure you are allowing her to express her emotions, just not through anger. Tell her you want to listen to her feelings, but you can't when she is yelling and you won't. Be firm about that. Send her to her room or something until she is ready to some and talk to you like a person should. You don't want to teach her that everything stays inside just to get rewarded, it'll blow back in your face in a few years when she'll be even more deceitful and craftier at it or heaven forbid finding other resources to help her isolate and suppress her feelings. Keep on it, it sounds like you all are trying a lot of good things...My son is 8 and all of us on the ball field feel the same way sometimes. The kids can hardly get together for play time as one or the other is always on restriction from week to week. You all are doing a great job and she'll realize that respect is mutual soon enough!

Roseann - posted on 04/22/2010

1

0

0

Maybe just try talking with her when you find out about the truth and acknowledging to her why she might have felt bad about what she did and worried about getting into trouble, etc. Tell her that we all have problems, but if she shares them you can help her work them out together. Tell her why you need to be able to trust what she says and that fibbing just causes more problems.

Connie - posted on 04/22/2010

178

43

21

Children finally fully understand the concept of lying around the age of 8. Until then, it's really just wishful thinking and trying to please adults by telling them what they want to hear. It is normal for an 8 yo to test out lying to see what works and what doesn't. It is vital to instill that lying is WRONG, always WRONG, right now. They are also going into the 'tween years and their paradigms are shifting as they gain some concepts of sexuality, social issues, safety issues, etc. The aggression and defiance is her way of testing the waters with some new-found sense of either fear, loss of control, need for control, lack of connection at either school or home, or some other emotional issue. Happy, content children seldom show a continuous pattern of such behaviors, so I'd try to find out the root cause, rather than punishing her for behavior that is possibly just a side effect of other issues. You may ask her school counselor to talk to her or a trusted adult if she won't open up to you about why she is acting out.

Gina - posted on 04/22/2010

24

4

1

It is a possiblity that your step-daughter is not understanding the work that she has at school., does she have a lot of friends, or at least one friend at school? As for the paying of a quarter for every positive thing on a chart, that is not right at all. She shouldn't be rewarded with money for doing something right, she is fi bing so that i snot anything positive, find out why she is not telling the truth, ask her out right what is bothering her, could be school, missing her biological mother, do you have other children, is she feeling left out of things?
When she starts to yell at adults, calmly tell her to lower her voice and then walk away, if she has no one to yell at , then hopefully she will stop.
From
Gina Willman

Carol - posted on 04/22/2010

2

0

0

I have more questions than answers: 1) You say she was 2 years when you entered her life Was she "abandoned" in some way in the split between her father and mother? 2) If so, is this behavior a means of getting attention? 3) What is the relationship between her and her father? Is he leaving the rearing and disciplining to you? Punitive responses to her behaviors may provide reinforcement to the very things you wish to discourage because it gives her attention. 4) Are there (especially younger) siblings she may see as getting more attention ("love") than she is? 5) Would it make sense to provide more one-on-one time with her father? 6) Can you speak with her teacher and include him/her into the program? The suggestion, already made by others, to seek professional help on this, could be helpful.

Latisha - posted on 04/22/2010

15

59

0

The thing that I've found to help with my 2 little girls is to try your hardest not to yell at them about every "bad" thing that they do or even show them that you're mad. I know it's not always possible to stay calm and not get mad or start yelling but thats why i say TRY not make sure you do it, cause then you'll just drive yourself crazy. But that's worked for me so far for 6 years now. Because as soon as they realized that they weren't going to get punished for telling the truth I got it out of them all the time. Because when they think that even though they're going to be yelled at for telling the truth because they did something wrong in the first place, then they don't want to tell you the truth to begin with. So just try to ask what happened and talked to her about it rather than yelling at/punishing her right away. I hope this helps some. Good luck

Julie - posted on 04/22/2010

9

38

0

I also have a 8yr old daughter that yells back at me but i just walk away...i have had charts but they dont work so i just tell her that she will be grounded but if that doesnt work i just say that she wont get anywhere so try that if it helps....

Beth - posted on 04/21/2010

36

20

0

Consistent consequences are crucial, but I would try to get to the source of the problem. Something is going on there . . . ask her teacher, too. The chart is a good idea, but I have a feeling there's something that's changed in her life either at school, home, etc.

Kelli - posted on 04/21/2010

152

4

10

I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I have an 8 yr old step-daughter. I have been in her life and with her daddy since she was 2. It can be very frustrating. I know. I have problems with my step-daughter lying about taking a shower. She doesn't wash herself or wash her hair sometimes. I have caught her many times. I just make her take another show right after. Then there are times that I make her take another and she still doesn't wash herself. The way I caught her is I had put a washrag in the shower for her and when she was done in the shower I would go in and check and the washrag was still in the same place dry. I feel like I can't really get on to her because I am not her mom. I have made her go to bed early and didn't let her play with her xbox. She loves her xbox. Maybe it is just there age? A stage they are going through? It can be so frustrating and wish I knew what to do sometimes. Good luck. :)

Dorothy - posted on 04/21/2010

3

8

0

try taking a quarter back every time she tells a lie or yells at you.make her do some really hard chores that she doent like doing or theres always the corner

Elizabeth - posted on 04/21/2010

6

5

1

As far as the fibbing goes, read her the story of a boy who cried wolf. The talk back and yelling issue should be addressed firmly. Let her no that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated and is extremely disrespectful. I never let my children talk back or ever yell at me. If they ever did I would punish them by tape recording her doing those things and make her sit down and listen to herself yelling and talking back until she gets a headach, just like the one she gives you. Nip it in the bud now! before it's too late. Goodluck!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms