"PUTTING THE FEAR OF GOD INOT HIM SO HE'LL RESPECT ME" STEP PARENT MESS. HELP ME.

Krystal - posted on 05/16/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and i have veen together for awhile now and have recently moved in together. I have a 5yr old son who has never really been much for listening to me, but has really been giving my boyfriend a run for his money.

Tonight my boyfriend broke my heart by stating he was going to "put the fear of god" into my child and that this was the only way to "get his respect" (placing fear by yelling at him, not in a violent/abusive way). I did not allow him to do so which led to a big mess between us. I do not believe a child should be scared into respecting anyone and i need your help.

I am seeking advice on ways to get my child to listen and respect us. I am devastated my boyfriend thinks this is the only alternative and i hope for answers i can show him that'll be more effective because the "fear of god" is not an option, i can not allow that.

HEEELLLPPP

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Michelle - posted on 05/17/2013

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I have 2 boys from my first marriage and my current husband has NEVER laid a hand on them!!!! I wouldn't allow it either.
On the other hand, my husband just has to raise his voice and the boys know he means business.
Obviously the way your boyfriend is trying to earn (yes he has to earn it in my opinion) respect isn't working so he should try and be more understanding and approach the discipline a different way.
I don't believe in physical punishment as it's quickly forgotten, I take away privileges. That seems to have a greater effect. It also gives the children time to reflect on what they have done and to remember not to do it again. They also sometimes have to write an apology letter to the person they disrespected explaining what they did and that they won't do it again.

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Denise - posted on 11/06/2014

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Please do, let them know that you here for them NOT AGAINST THEM! I don't Condone Physical force or Physical PUNISHMENT MYSELF, But I will tell you what, I got my butt BEAT!! If i was wrong or ever disrespected either one of my Parents, which I did ONCE and Bet THAT I never ever have again. I called my father a FAGOT one day as I was going up the bedroom stairs, I had mumble very low under my breathe. Well, as I said it, HE HEARD ME AND ALL I REMEMBER, WAS his arm around my neck and down the stairs I went!!! I remember him for some God for SAKE reason, my Father picked me up by one arm, as my girl friends stood and watched and SPANKED ME WITH THE BELT!!! I urinated on myself!! Not funny then but this has effected me in my life my mother was abusive to me as well as she drank everyday and NIGHT! And dad was abusive to her as well!! I feel that i she took a lot of her anger out on me, REASON BEING, the way that i am TODAY!!!! NO HITTING, ONLY MAKES ONE ANGRY MAD AND HURT! But I can go on and ON but I will tell you what I know that they are not perfect and KIDS don't come with instructions when we are born. Everything IS JUST plan and SIMPLE common sense!!! I love both my parents to death!! I am hurt, about it still I am 40 now and forgive them but no i won't forget this, that's obvious!! lol Getting up and saying hey kid, my kid or someone else s, you make your bed you lie in it! You wanna act grown I will treat you like you are!!! CONSEQUENCE FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE!!! If you put the FEAR OF God IN THEM, LET THEM KNOW ITS YOUR WAY OR THE HIGH WAY, OR I GIVE YOU TWO CHOICES,I let them help me desicide what they think that their PUNISHMENT should be, or I pick it for them and if i don't like the the one they came up with it DOUBLES! They come up with good ones, I might add! lol I don't tolerate this uncalled for behavior in my house, i then say, GOT IT, OR DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! And they answer to only YES OR NO there is no explaining them self's, I tell them all if you have done something wrong, then it is now to late to change it! We live and we LEARN. Us as Parents have to make sure that it must not be anything that will effect them for life!! But I say to them Whats done is DONE! We move forward now... Again, Now you have to deal with the CONSEQUENCES! and under my RULES you will do as I say and say AS I DO, GOT IT!! AND we will all get along, perfect. other than that. let them know you are in control and the boss. Like i said, i don't think that how they raised me was right, and more of the discipline part of it, but I love them i think the same.. I am sure they live with this to, On how they had disciplined me, but who knows!!!! Either way it is what it is.... and things happen the way they do 4 a reason, reason being, who KNOWS I am ok today and I am blessed with 4 amazing children and 3 foster kids and never once have i ever had to raise my VOICE! and I refuse to either! Basically it your rules they don't have to like them but HAVE TO LIVE BY THEM UNTIL THEY ARE the age to go out ON THEIR OWN!! But I will do my best to see that each one of them have the life I always DREAMED OF HAVING AND WILL BE SOMEONE IMPORTANT IN THIS WORLD THAT PEOPLE WILL look up 2!!Then I can say I have done my JOB AS A PARENT!!!! I look for no SYMPATHY from no one, cause what don't KILL US ONLY MAKES one STRONGER!!!! but I DO STRONGLY BELIEVE IN NO SPANKING NO HITTING, NO VERBAL ABUSE, NAME CALLING PUTTING DOWN, NO Belittling ETC. Kids need encouragement, guidance,structure and to be guided/ STEERED down a good ROAD! Let them know that it can be any way they want it to be, but with good behavior and TEAM work!!! We are all in this together!!! Good luck and God Bless you all!!

Decimus - posted on 04/30/2014

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This is why some people should not reproduce. First you and his father fail tobuild a safe happy home together, the boy is essentially fatherless. By the way in the Hebrew Bible when they talk about the 'orphan and the widow' as vulnerable and oppressed people, orphan means fatherless not parentless. Being fatherless is a horrible thing and your son has that on his shoulders. Now you bring some knuckle dragging meat head into his life who wants to be Atilla the Hun instead of his buddy. What a mess. Why don't you send the knuckle dragger back to the bar, or the caverns that you found him in, and find a descent intelligent kind man to be your son's friend. Oh wait women don't find intelligence and descency attractive. Kindness is a turn off. I forgot you like cops and military assholes and won't be satified until he shoves his rod of abuse and authority down you and your sons throat. Nice. Great job lady, I'm sure your son will turn out a wonderful happy brilliant kid in that environment.

Krystal - posted on 05/17/2013

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Thank you for the feedback.

Do you believe it is acceptable for a step parent to swat the other parents child? This is an on going debate between myself and im not sure if my stubborn ways are the right ways anymore. I want them to have fun together without my son being terrified of my boyfriend. My family, of course, has their opinions but i am not sure theirs are the best decisions for me. I just know i will feel horrible if i allow my boyfriend to make my child fear him, but im at loss right now.

The type of disrespect we face on a daily basis:
"no"
"shut up"
"you'll bever be my father"
"youre stupid"
"go away" ect ect.

Throwing
Screaming
Slamming doors ect ect.

I just feel that if my boyfriend actually invested time into my child and tried to be his friend first then disciplinary role second he'd get further. My son has a father who doesnt play much with him and i feel like he just needs a best friend first. After being his friend my son gains trust and then in turn, will listen more. My boyfriend doesnt understand this and thinks he needs to be a hardass all the time.

Michelle - posted on 05/17/2013

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Well Kristi has pretty much covered it.
I was going to say you need to set the rules and give him consequences. If he doesn't follow the rules the he has to live with the consequences (by he I mean your son). He has obviously learned that he can get his own way so that's why he doesn't listen to you.
Maybe it would help to all sit down and write out a list of "house rules" and then list the consequences for not following them. That way you and your boyfriend can be on the same page when it comes to the rules and discipline and your son knows what's expected.
The only way this will work is if you both (you and our boyfriend) stick to it and follow through ALL the time. DON'T give in to the whining and tantrums as you are just digging a bigger hole for yourselves.

Kristi - posted on 05/17/2013

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Well, I don't know if I had the fear of God in me when I was a kid, but I knew if I ever did something dumb enough to get arrested for, I was safer behind bars....not because my parents beat me or screamed at me. We did get spankings, not with belts or spoons or switches, etc and I'm not going to turn this into a spanking debate. The biggest thing was we had rules. We had consequences. They were enforced...always.

We didn't get a time out for 5 minutes. We got our toys taken away and sent to our room. We did not have computers, smartphones, tablets, TV's, iPods, X-boxes, etc. in our rooms so it wasn't "fun" getting sent to our rooms. If we got a bad grade on a test, guess what...no basketball game (or whatever school function was going on next) for you tonight. Another rule we had, you break it, you buy it. If it was really just an accident nobody got in trouble but if we were screwing around doing something we shouldn't or using something that wasn't ours without permission and we wrecked it, we lost our allowance AND had to do extra work to pay for it. When we were dumb enough to mess with the bull, we got the horns.

The thing is, we grew up from day one with the same attitude and treatment by our parents. My dad was strict. All the kids in the neighborhood knew it. Everybody liked our dad, except two of the douche bag boyfriends my sister and I had (one each). It was just a given...don't mess with Mr. Henry. Some people just have that effect on others, too. But, even with that reputation, he was first in line for the "old-man" cannonball contests at our pool against the other neighborhood dads with all of us kids sitting around chanting and clapping and laughing. Your attitude and the way you conduct yourself can make a difference on how people receive you.

You have to be firm and fair and 110% consistent! If you say it, you do it. It is hard not to yell sometimes, though. I'm totally guilty of it. My daughter will be 14 in a few months and just when I think, "Man, she sure has her poop in a group, she's awesome!" I check her grades online and she has 3 F's in Math for not doing homework 3 days in a row. Are you kidding me?! 3 days later, she still has not turned those assignments in. She is grounded now. Loss of everything but her books. She can use the computer for her school work only. I gave her the 3 days to get those things turned in and asked each night if she'd done them. She knew what she was facing. She's not happy but she knows she can't blame anybody but herself so she's sucking it up. But, needless to say, when I saw the F's still there I yelled. Part of me wants to give her just one more chance because overall her grades are B+ or better (except math is just a B-) and she is running track and is the Rec Opt Gymnastics team and she is accepting full responsibility without an attitude but I can't.

I will lose my authority. She will lose her sense of stability. Not over one decision but if I repeatedly go back on what I said, she won't know if/when she can trust me. If she can't trust me, she can hardly respect me.

I've also been a stepparent twice. I've always been the disciplinarian. My role has always been clear from day one. I'm the "mom" here, this is our house but you live by my rules. (you and your boyfriend have to be a team and back each other up or your son will pick up on that dissention and play two ends against the middle) If he sees or hears you two being disrespectful to one another, you're just adding nails to your coffin.

A little fear of the unknown can go a long way. When the kids were younger and if they were arguing or something, I'd ask them if they thought the Hulk was scary when he got angry? Then I'd tell them I was scarier...in a normal tone of voice and give them a little wink and a nod and advise them to quit whatever it was they were doing. Tweak as you need to. Currently, I've let her imagination instill fear. Once upon a time, in the land of drunks and dummies...I told her to remember how she felt when she had the flu and couldn't stop puking and I described it in great detail, the cold sweats, the cotton mouth, the dry heaves, etc. then I said ok add to that a jackhammer going off in your head and that's pretty much what a hangover feels like. Now, wasn't it so nice when I brought you cold cloths, sprite and crackers and I rubbed your back? (Of course) Instead of all that, I will be sitting on the deck, tanning, while you mow the lawn under those same conditions! LOL

I wish I had better advice. I'm not entirely clear on what kind of disrespect you're talking about and I'm also not sure you'd be amenable to some of my old school ways. But, you need to decide who is going to be the man of the house and let the older one know your decision so he can at least decide if he wants to have his balls cut off by a 5 year old. Remember, rules...consequences...consistency...repeat. Time and patience are your friends. Good luck!

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