Question for mothers with multiple children

Aurora - posted on 08/08/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )

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OK, I have heard that most mothers who have 2 or more children tend to have a favorite. I want to know how many feel this way. A friend of mine admitted to me that her daughter is her favorite although she does not show it to her kids, but deep down her daughter is her favorite.

My mother always had a favorite and it was not me, she didn't hide it, it was very clear. My worry is this, that when my daughter, who is 8 months old, get older my mother will play favorites with her and my nephew.

I would like some advice as to how to deal with this as my mother still favors my sister over me, especially when she is asked to babysit. For my sister, my mother will drop anything at the drop of a hat, but for me, she is always too busy. Not sure how to go about resolving this, as I am close to 30 and my sister is older and nothing has ever changed. How do I make sure that my daughter never feels like that because of my mother?

Also, big problem when it comes to the decision of having more children, will I feel the same way and cause one of my children to feel less important that the other?

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Sharon - posted on 08/08/2009

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Nope I don't have a favorite. I love them all equally.



Cut your mother out of your life. You don't need her or lack of human decency.



You're concious of possibility. You won't be like your mother. Every time a choice comes up for your children you will weigh - have i already given a like favor for my other child? does this measure up as an equal gift?



congratulate yourself for being more advanced than your mother.

Rhonda - posted on 08/08/2009

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My mother was the same way ...I was the only girl and I had 3 brothers. Not only was I not her favorite but she would also tell anyone and everyone whom would stand still long enough who her fav was ...and it was the middle brother.

I have 2 children of my own and there is NO WAY that I love one more than the other. Do I treat them differently ...yes, on some aspects due to age and gender but nothing drastic.

Aurora, my suggestion to you is not ask your Mother to babysit for you. Because you know it pains you when she doesn't so why subject your daughter to it? Besides...its easier to have a consistent babysitter.

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Stifler's - posted on 05/23/2011

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I don't think I'd let the concern about having a favourite deny me more than one child! My parents no doubt favour my sister and brother (god knows why) but that is nothing to do with my kids.

Patricia - posted on 05/23/2011

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i have 9 almost 10 kids i never think it is fair to have favourites i love all my kids the same

Ronnie - posted on 08/17/2009

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When parents go wrong! its really hard, but you have to remember we are all human with human failings. I could make a list of things that my parents did wrong, but in the end its me who will decide on how those things will affect me. Take the good stuff and improve or dont implement the bad policies or behaviour. You will have to decide on how you want to bring up your kids, use your hurtful experiences as a guideline to make your family relate better toward each other.
There was a time when my father did not want me to take my little boy to their place. My boy is autistic and of course have a little trouble with instructions. My mom and siblings was fine with it but my father could not stand that. He told me that my 3 girls are ok, but my little boy is not. That was painful.
My husband and I decided not to take any of our kids to their place unless he can accept them all. It took a while before he relented - i think it was because he missed the other kids. And it took me a year before i could truly forgive him.
We cant change our parents, but they are still our parents-hopefully our own kids will be forgiving as well when we make our mistakes.

Karen - posted on 08/17/2009

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I wouldn't call it a favorite, but I do think all parents have a "baby"... and it's not necessarily the youngest. In my eyes, my brother is definately favored... I have never heard my mom say anything negative about him and if I so much as disagree with something he has said or done I know not to go to her to vent because I'm going to be told I'm wrong no matter what it is. It was also no secret that my grandma (on the other side) favored my dad (out of 5 kids) and now that he's gone, favors my brother even over her own kids. My best friends mom is just like yours it sounds like... will drop everything to be there for her brother and his kids, but rarely has much to do with hers.

But... I don't think this has to be so apparent to the kids that they feel it growing up. I didn't realize it until my late 20's and even now it's not a jealousy thing... the bottom line is, I know my mom loves us the same, she just has the bond with my brother while I had that bond with my dad before he died. And by the same token, I don't ever remember my dad disciplining me at all... but I remember him spanking my brother.

[deleted account]

I am the mother of 6. 5 Boys and 1 girl. 3 with my first husband 3 with my second. I don't play favorites. I can't even think of who it would be if I did choose a favorite. I love all my children the same. They all have quirks and irritations, but so do I. I would hope that I would be loved equally so I love them equally.

Carla - posted on 08/15/2009

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I'm a mother of 5, no favorites just everyone of them have different personalities and needs. Being a single mom most of their lives (their dad died 20 years ago) I tended to give my kids more of me because of this. Certain children needed more attention than others, my son had cancer and I tended to smother him more. His sisters were very protective too. One of my daughters was very ill and I focused on her for a while. I worry for all of them and try to support all of them in whatever I can. We had dates regularly, just me and 1 child. We would go to the movies and dinner or shopping or a hockey game. But we just had a special time for me and them...just 1. This was very important to them. Open house at school, I would attend for each child and show that I was interested in their lives and future. My mom had favorites, but I tended not to let that affect me on how I raised my children. I hope to this day they know how much I love and care for each individual one, each has been a blessing in my life. When that first child comes and is handed to you in the delivery room...there is NO BOOK on how to be the best parent you just do what you think and feel is right. 1,000s of years later parenting has not been perfected. Objects and money are not the answer, your time and love and your support is what counts. Sit and read with them, draw in the sand with them, talk to them. Let them know you will be there no matter what, no MATTER WHAT COMES, you will be there for them. Unconditional love, like God has for us, we've been tried and tested to the ultimate point, but we have never separated from each other. My oldest is 33 and my youngest is 25, the road has not been easy, but so worth it. I would never change having my 5 kids, the smiles they have brought me are so.....priceless as the grandchildren they have brought me too.

Katie - posted on 08/15/2009

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My husband and I raised 5 children. We did not have favorites, but each of us brought different strengths and weaknesses to parenting. I was great with babies and early childhood. The grade school years were relatively trouble free, and then he was great with teenagers. Ouur kids were not perfect by any means but we loved them through it all. You do the best you can every day and pray pray pray. god established the two parent family for a reason. Share the burden and the joy.

Michele - posted on 08/15/2009

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Hey, I am so sorry that you feel that way and you shouldn't have to. Before I say what I have to say about you and your situation let me tell you about myself and my children. I have 4 children, two stepsons and two biological children. I love each one of them all the same amount but in different ways. My oldest son 27, seems to be more responsible of the 4, well manored and easy going; son number 2, is 23, fun loving and rambucious, the only girl 18 is my best girlfriend and we go everywhere together, last but not least is my baby 17, he is the most loving of the 4 he is affectionate, very caring, and has a heart that is to big for his body.

I am not sure how you are going to take what I am about to say. First pray! Pray for yourself and how you feel, about your feelings of being loved less than your sister. Then pray for your mother, not about your her, but for her. Your mother may never change and you have no control of her anyway. The only one you have control of is yourself and how you allow her actions affect you. As for you making the same mistake with your child tell your children that you love them equally, but differently and then explain to them what you love about them. Protect your child as much as you can when it comes to your mother. My own mother favored one of my children more than she did the other. When my children were not around I would address my concerns. I am praying for you. One more thing please pray that you will be able to forgive your mother for hurting you.

Merilee - posted on 08/14/2009

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I was one of seven, and never felt like Mom had a favorite. I am raising the last of 4 children, and can tell you that each one is special. Yes, they are all very different - one extroverted, one introverted, and so on. What is important is that you provide each one with a "turn" - time with you that is one-on-one, to listen to the child and do something special of the child's choice. Also, let it be OK for the child to disagree with you, as long as they can explain why they think the way they do. This is how you learn what's important to each child, and how they come to know deeply that you not only love them, but value them as an individual. Make time for each child's turn, and mark it on the calendar so they can see it and know their special time is coming up. You don't have to repeat your mother's mistakes.



Realize that the only thing you can really control is what YOU say and what YOU do, not what others say or do. You can try to influence others, but explain to your children that not everybody is as kind as we try to be, or has the same values that we have. We do our best, and are kind to others, no matter how they behave. We treat others the way we would like them to treat us, not as they do treat us.

Edie - posted on 08/14/2009

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I have 5 kids, 2 girls ,3 boys I don't think you love one more than the other. I think you love them in different ways for differnet reasons. My oldest she is very compassionate she doesn't let anything get in her way. She knows what she wants and fights for it. I admire that in every way. My 2nd is very sweet, teachers can't say enough about his kindness he is funny and loves to joke around. My 3rd he is just as sweet but he is very quite . etc. You love them the same just for different reasons. As for your mother you are the one and only person that can stick up for your daughter at some point you may have to decide to have a conversation with your mom. If I had to choose between them my kids will win everytime. My husbands mother is the same way. His sisters kids are always with their nana, she would do anything for them. But my kids, my three youngest kids (which the oldest of the three is 9 ) really have no idea who she is. My parents make up for it and it saddens me at times but the garbage she used to pull, like only bringing a xmas gift for one and not the others, just wasn't worth it. It is probably easier for me because she isn't my mom but even my husband says my kids come first!! Family is suppose to be there for you not make you feel bad. I do know how hard it is I have a sister who has disowned the whole family for 4 years now. All because we finally got the nerve to not let her run ALL of our lives. There is 5 more kids in the family that she doesn't even know but I do know that my older kids are alot more happier because they can be themselves when we are around the family and there isn't always a cloud hanging over everything. I hope this helps and sorry I kind of went off topic for a minute. If you ever need to talk i'm hear to write to.

Annette - posted on 08/13/2009

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I have two girls, they are now 26 and 23. The older daughter feels that I favor the younger, but on the contrary, I went to lengths to please my older daughter, making the younger daughter, take a back seat to her, but unfortunately, to this day, she feels I have slighted her. My older daughter was married in 2005, and now is divorced. My younger married this last December. I took vacation the week before her December wedding to help her anyway she needed to prepare for the day. If came out later from my sister-in-law, that my older daughter was hurt because she told my sister-in-law that I hadn't taken a week off before her wedding. I was in shock, I had actually taken off the week before her wedding as well as the friday before that week to do whatever she needed help with. I scheduled the time off just to make myself available and because she couldn't get anytime off of work. I wanted to be sure that her day was everything she had hoped it would be. I feel that showing favors is in the eyes, or should I say minds of the beholder. Now that my daughters are older, I look back on the rearing of my daughters, and I actually feel guilty on how I treated my younger daughter, because she was so compliant. I love my daughters equally, and have tried to always treat them the same. The older daughter has always kept tabs on material things, so I have always tried to be sure to keep it fair. She knows that I am here when ever she needs me and would go to her on the drop of a hat. I hope that when she has children, she will see the differences, and realizes that regardless of what you do, personalities make quite a difference on the attitude each child forms on the parent/child relationship. She has two dogs, they even have two different personalities, and require different attention. I was the third of eight children, now that I am almost 50 (I'm 49), I see a different personality in each of us. By no means did I have the perfect mother, but I see how she tried to be equal to all of us, yet some required more attention than others. In recent years, she told me that when I was a child, when she would get frustrated she would blame me for things, even when I was not guilty. That would explain my perfectionism, if you don't do anything wrong, you can't be blamed. Now I see that in my younger daughter, she never wanted to rock the boat because she, even at a young age, sensed my struggles to please my older daughter. Rather than looking at your mother, you my consider looking at your sister, does her personality cause your mother to try and please her? Maybe your mother is taking for granted that she can receive your love unconditionally, where she may be feeling she needs to do more for your sister to gain her love. Obviously, she will become closer to the grandchildren she sees more, but don't show or vocalize your frustration of that attention on your sister's children by your mother to your children, let them appreciate grandma for time they are with her. And by no means should you base your decision on having a larger family on your mother. Regardless of how much I have tried, my older daughter has the feeling that I have favored the younger, there is nothing I can do to change her feelings. I have prayed for her to get beyond her feelings of being slighted. If your mother truly is showing favor for your sister, love her anyway, we can't expect perfectionism from anyone, and you need to try and accept your mother's short comings. Good luck and pray.

Rosheemah - posted on 08/13/2009

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Aurora,

Can you start off by having the confidence in knowing who you are, and your goals in life. If you are in your 30's, most likely you already know what you want in life. My suggestion to you then is to you is to keep a level head. Knowing how your parent's might make you feel around your sister for so many years is a wake up call. That meaning you can determine when you can talk these issues out with your parents and let them know that you are aware of the favorite sister theme. Tell them how it makes you feel, and without letting them make you feel any worst, you have to remember who they are, and not let them put you down. Start with telling yourself, I will listen to what they say, but learn how to agree to disagree. Dont let them in your personnal space for a long time if everything they say doesn't heal you within. The purpose of this is to heal inside and out, and start to grow in your life around your parents. And letting yourself like the person you are that your parents see, but agree that you are better than you think you are inside. If you didn't you wouldn't be admitting the hurt right now. Also the more kids you have,(I have 4), The more you understand how to take care of them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And favorites is from experience. You choose the life you want to model in front of your children, so it can be spending more time with one more than the other at times, exspecially when they need you the most. So my answer is whatever works out the best for each child, young or older ones. Everything will turn out fine if you believe.

Rosheemah - posted on 08/13/2009

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Quoting Aurora:

Question for mothers with multiple children

OK, I have heard that most mothers who have 2 or more children tend to have a favorite. I want to know how many feel this way. A friend of mine admitted to me that her daughter is her favorite although she does not show it to her kids, but deep down her daughter is her favorite.

My mother always had a favorite and it was not me, she didn't hide it, it was very clear. My worry is this, that when my daughter, who is 8 months old, get older my mother will play favorites with her and my nephew.

I would like some advice as to how to deal with this as my mother still favors my sister over me, especially when she is asked to babysit. For my sister, my mother will drop anything at the drop of a hat, but for me, she is always too busy. Not sure how to go about resolving this, as I am close to 30 and my sister is older and nothing has ever changed. How do I make sure that my daughter never feels like that because of my mother?

Also, big problem when it comes to the decision of having more children, will I feel the same way and cause one of my children to feel less important that the other?


 

Lynn - posted on 08/12/2009

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Aurora, I am the only girl in a family of four. People think that obviously I am spoilt, but no; my mom has a favourite son, and so it follows she has favourite grandchildren, which are not mine, although I have 6, so plenty of scope for a favourite! When I was a young mom it bothered me, but as I got older I realised my kids had not gone without, and no thanks to their grandmother! They are all grown now, and appreciate me, but have little time for their grandmother; who can blame them? I still have a relationship with my mom but not as close as it should be, because of her favouritism. I don't know if I can advise you, but my thoughts are...don't worry. You don't have to do a thing. Enjoy your relationship with your nephew. Look after your own children and they will not feel left out. They will form their own opnions as they grow up. It seems hard now, but believe me, time flies!

Diana - posted on 08/12/2009

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I don't have a favorite that I know of. My kids ages are 8, 5 & 3 and I can honestly say that each of them have certain aspects of their personality that I like better (if that makes sense). Aurora, I can understand your dilemma, my sister is my mom's favorite. It doesn't bug me so much anymore and I think you should let you child see how your mom is. There's no need to hide it and you'll come out better in the long run as she'll see you love her unconditionally and equally amongst your children. And if it turns out for you like it did for me, you won't have to worry about playing favorites yourself. Because of my experience with my mom, I always go the "extra mile" to make sure all my children know I love them no matter what.

Angela - posted on 08/11/2009

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I have 2 boys. They have many similarities and many differences but I love them each eaqually. I am close to each in different ways because they are 2 different people but I love them both very much.

Sandi - posted on 08/11/2009

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Parenting is an evolving practice; believe me, the one element that your older daughter will remember is the love, honesty, and values that you and your family share. all the rest will become a moot point . as a mamaw of nine, the grandchildren all know their grandparents and our special relationships with them, and, they are all different. my best, sandi

Laura - posted on 08/11/2009

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That is a really touchy subject....Like everybody loves raymond type stuff. I believe that being the "less favored" child growing up you will be less likley to repeat this cycle with your own children. As for you mother, you can't change her no matter how hard you try. Do you get along with your sis? Can you discuss this with her? If not express your thoughts to your mother, try not to accuse her of favoritism because she will go on the defensive and you will get nowhere. You deserve and your daughter deserves the same amount of love and affection as your sister and nephew. Perhaps your mother is unaware of her actions. I am a mother of 2 boys and I make a huge effort to be sure that they feel equally loved. I do not play favorites and do not secretly have a favorite among my boys. If you get nowhere with your mom and sis, shower your little girl with your love and attention. Good luck!!

Angie - posted on 08/11/2009

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I have 3 kids, and love them all. my issue is more with attention given. My oldest boy has tourettes and my youngest is in the process of possibly being diagnosed with odd. My middle daughter sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. She a quiet, gentle beautiful child, who never calls attention to this, just suffers inside. I always try make special time with her so she doesn't feel that I love her any less. It is very hard to balance everything and it may look like I have favorites, but I don't. Each has special, wonderful qualities about them and I love that.

[deleted account]

You will be surprised about your oldest. They change so much as they grow. You may find yourself drawing closer to that child. Except them as they are and just LOVE them. I had one that came out kicking and she is still kicking today, but in a wonderful way. She is a very strong and loving wife and mother now. She is so much like me sometimes it scares me. But I couldn't love her more.

[deleted account]

When my husband and I married 12 years ago, we each had two kids. He had two daughters and I had a son and a daughter. The two older ones were 15 years old and the two younger ones were 11 years old. His two never lived with us as kids. They came for weekend visits. I am closer to my son and daughter than to his daughters simply because I have always been around them more. I love all of our adult children equally. They are different and have different wants from me. I do not have a favorite. They tell me that I loved them too much. They hope they always feel that way.

Diane - posted on 08/11/2009

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I don't have a favorite either. I don't see how anyone could. If you ask my boys they think I have a favorite my oldest will tell you that my 5 year old is it, but he has pdd, so extra attention is needed there. If this has bothered you for this many years, maybe you should sit down with your mother and tell her how you feel. I have learned that communication is the best healer.

Joanne - posted on 08/11/2009

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hello i'm a mother of 3, i have to girls and a boy, i don't think i favour any of my kids more than the other, but i do have a poorly daughter who has medical complex needs which makes me spend alot of time with her hooking up machine, medicines etc, my middle child has become quite rebelous to this but i try and make sure i spend time with each of them each day so i know ive had time for them all, nobody said being a parent would be easy! life is full of decision making, i believe that if you are made to feel you are second best you are better off without that person in your life! why be second best when you can be the best?

with regards to children feeling pushed out with another child, i worried myself sick over this when i was pregnant with my 2nd child, as there was only 21 months difference i wasn't sure how my 1st would take to a baby in the house, but inface she loved it! its a new friend for your little one and they also help you out a great deal, getting nappies, wet wipes etc! my advice aurora would be don't let being second best become apart of your daughters life! don't let her be affected by it i agree with sharon, hope this helps i wish you all the best

Pamela - posted on 08/08/2009

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Great topic! I have 2 children and love them both with all my heart and for different reasons. I do not play favorites however the oldest one seems to start a lot of tension and picks fights with the youngest one which bothers me so much that I will tend to shut down out of irritation. I do think the oldest one is jealous of his brother which is why he picks fights with him. I try my best not to let it show when I disapprove of his behavior. My youngest is very easy going and only acts up when his brother starts up. My oldest one is the one who loves to cuddle with me too and wants to spend most of his time with. Like I said I love them both for different reasons. Their a package deal

Danielle - posted on 08/08/2009

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I have 2 baby girls about 2 yrs apart in age. My youngest was my first pregnancy. My oldest daughter is my stepchild. I became her mother the day she turned 5 months old. Her mother and nobody else in her family(grandmother included) EVER tries to see her, call to ask about her...nothing. Its like she was never born to them. She will be 5 yrs next month, 6 days after my 26th birthday. The adoption papers should be completed by then. My family and myself treat her exactly the same as we treat my biological daughter. She may not be of my blood, and I may not be the very best mom there is out there, but I love both of my girls equally.

Sharon - posted on 08/08/2009

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DO NOT sacrifice your child for the nebulous comfort of "family". What a load of bull puckey! Your mother is more than free to admit her disgusting and cruel practice of showing favoritism and change her ways. But she blatantly denied it to you and then offered to kick out her granddaughter. WTH is that about?

Danielle - posted on 08/08/2009

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whoa, i just read the other responses. I have to say that i don't believe in cutting off family. me and my family had a very dificult time especially before and in the beginning of my marriage. they did a lot of hurtful things, although i didnt think i did anything hurtful to them i am sure they were hurt too.
i worked hard to keep contact and to try to improve our relationships. thank God, today me and my parents have a great and getting better relationship, while my relationship with my siblings is also improving more and more.
i think it's important to be patient and try to at least maintain the bond of family. even if you dont get to be so close.

[deleted account]

I could theoretically understand if someone has a favorite, I guess if you really like one over the other, you can't really help that but to ever SHOW that to your kids is just so selfish and cruel I can't even begin to express it! I find that I have (of my 4) "the favorite du jour". ha They all have phases that they go through that are cuter/nicer/meaner/more interesting/more annoying than others. When one is in a particularly pleasing phase I do tend to be more drawn toward that one. It quickly passes though and I can honestly say that I do not have an overall favorite. My children are so different that it would be impossible to even compare them. That would be like asking me if I like my right eye better than my left! I cannot imagine life without either one! I think what your mother is doing is reprehensible and I would probably just accept that that is what she is and keep a cool distance from her emotionally. I would expect NOTHING and be content with whatever crumbs she threw me and realize that her favoritism is not about your SISTER being superior, it's about your MOTHER being weak and selfish. Sorry to slam your mom but I just think it's time you stopped letting her hurt you like that. :-) It's not about you. It's about her.

Danielle - posted on 08/08/2009

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Hi, that's an interesting topic.. I have three children and they are still young so I don't really know how things may change, but so far I sort of have a "least favorite" who is my eldest daughter. She gave me such a hard time from the time she was born until now (she's three). I still don't sleep at nite because she wakes up more than my 7 month old, usually screaming or climbing into our bed and in the day time she gives me all kinds of exhausting trials starting at around 6 am! She is a "spirited" child if you happen to be familiar with the term.
Anyway I am working hard to try not to show her my distaste or my preference for the other two who are "angel babies". I try to focus and comment on all of her good qualities like her intelligence and her behavior when it is good. So far being extra positive with her is helping to improve things. I hate to think that she might feel hurt by me treating her differently than her siblings. Even though my feelings are related to her extreme behavior, she of course cannot reason and understand that.

I think that since you had the experience of being the less favorite child, just focus and work hard to make all of your children (if you decide to have more) feel special.
definitely don't let your daughter feel that her grandma likes her other grandchild more but try to make the time when you are all together special and as happy as possible.
Also if you don't mind, i would suggest that you do try to improve your relationship with your mother. Make her feel more loved by you and maybe things will improve.
hope this helps a bit!

--- - posted on 08/08/2009

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I read in a parents magazine that it is normal and more common than people let on. I must admit I do have more of a bond with the baby. she is good and pleasing while my older one struggles with ADHD ODD and is showing signs of autisim. her behavior is challenging and sometimes I just dont like her very much (but I love her dearly) I really hope that she does not realize when I am frustrated and have had enough of her. I dont think she has because she has pretty high self esteem and always seems to be happy.
I dont think you will treat your next child as less special than the first. Just the fact that you are concerned about it says that you will make sure not to do that. and as far as favoritism I think a better way to say it is that it is common to bond more with one child than another or bond differently. it doesn't mean that you love one more and one less, You love them all just bond different.

Katrina - posted on 08/08/2009

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Aurora, I had to basically give up my whole family for my children. It is a very hard decision to make, it hurts. My youngest son was 18 months old when i made the decision I did. I refused to let him feel ANY negative feelings towards him. Honestly your mother and sister are not all you have left though, you have your daughter. I wouldn't trade my decision for anything because my children bring me more joy than my family ever could've. I have learned over the years (like i said i made the decision when my son was 18 mths old, he's 14 now), that sometimes friends make better family than the family you're born into. I have wonderful support, better than my family had ever given me. My inlaws are the family my children know, and they are loved unconditionally. As far as denying her the knowledge of where she comes from, you're not the one denying it....they are. You can always tell her what she needs to know about where she comes from and she doesn't have to feel any of the negativity or rejection. I know the position you're in, and i completely understand the hesitancy but you need to think in the best interest of your daughter. My mother died in 1997, and to this day I have no regrets about the choice I had to make. It was her loss, because she missed out on a very loving, caring, and intelligent young man. I disagree with Sharon though, it is loss of family, you have to deal with it the same way that you deal with an actual death in the family. But your daughter comes first, you have to make your decisions for her based on the actions of your family. This is their mistake and loss, not yours or your daughters. Don't allow their actions to make you feel guilty, bad or anything else negative. Just look in your daughters face and remember who you're fighting for. God bless.

Sharon - posted on 08/08/2009

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My mother and sister are all that I have ever had since my father passed away when I was a baby and we had no contact with any family. So in a way I feel that if I refuse contact with them then it will be just like it was for me growing up. I hate the thought of denying her the chance to know where she comes from. Plus, everyone has said that is too soon to be thinking this way as the baby is still just a baby and doesn't know what is going on. However, when do I start thinking about, after the danage is done?






Seriously?  Your mother is a pig.  WOW.  Controlling and manipulative.



I grew up in a stress filled house and I've spent my whole life eliminating stressful crap.  That includes family.  I don't take on other peoples issues and internalize them therby making them my issues.  I refuse.



When I wasn't living my life the way my mother thought I should - I shut the door.  I didn't talk to her for years.  She had to hire a private investigator to find me.



I have no issues with cutting out bullshit from my life.  Including family.



This is not to soon to be thinking about it.  Either your perception of favoritism is completely off and your mother is right.  Or you are right. 



Cutting off your mother or mother & sister isn't loss of family.  You gave birth to family and she needs you to protect her until she can protect herself.



I hope you have a husband and good inlaws backing you up.

Aurora - posted on 08/08/2009

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Quoting Katrina:

I can't say I have a favorite, I'm close with my children for different reasons and on different levels though. It doesn't mean I love one less than the other 2, it's just a different dynamic. My mother tried to favor my older son over my younger son because she didn't like the fact that my younger son is multiracial. Because of the severity of her favortism though, i had to take drastic measures. I had to tell her that if she favored one over the other then I would remove both of them from her life. I would not have my younger son feeling like he was less than he is because she didn't like his ethnicity. And in the end I had to stop associating with my mother because she decided she just couldn't accept who my younger son was. You may have to choose between your children and your mother, as i did. I pray for you that it doesn't come to that though. It's a very hard position to be in, and it's hard to have to explain to your children when they get older. My sons know what happened, and they actually respect me more. They feel I made the right decision. I hope it doesn't come down to that for you. God Bless.


Thank you for sharing this with me, i know it had to have been a difficult decision for you as I have pondered doing the same thing many times since I became pregnant.



I had a talk with my mother a little while ago, she denies playing favorites, she always has and probably always will. I finally told her that it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong, that if we could not resolve these issues that it would be the last time my daughter would be going there. (She is there spending the night tonight) My mother told me that  I might as well take her now. If the baby had not been sleeping at the time I probably would have. I left and went to a friends house to vent and to think about things a little longer.



My mother and sister are all that I have ever had since my father passed away when I was a baby and we had no contact with any family. So in a way I feel that if I refuse contact with them then it will be just like it was for me growing up. I hate the thought of denying her the chance to know where she comes from. Plus, everyone has said that is too soon to be thinking this way as the baby is still just a baby and doesn't know what is going on. However, when do I start thinking about, after the danage is done?

Jodi - posted on 08/08/2009

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I have two biological children (12 and 4) and two step-children (17 and 10). Of course I favour my biological children in my heart, but that's natural. However I do love my step-children very much, and we don't 'favour' one child over another in things we do for them. In fact, when we first got married, my family would only give Christmas gifts to my children and not my step children and I told them I had a policy, if all the children don't get gifts, I can't accept the ones for my bio children. I made it very clear from the start that they were all my children.



With regard to my bio children, I love them both in different ways. They are both very unique personalities, but I don't have a favourite. My husband does though - he favours our youngest (the only one of the children that is ours together), but probably because she is the only one of his bio children that lives with us full time and is his 'baby'.

Heather - posted on 08/08/2009

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My mother and my in laws play favorites. I have three kids and I love them all equally. They each have different qualities about them that make them each special in their own way. My mom favors my older brother and his kids, just like you she would always babysit them and never mine. Then my brother moved out of state so that got better. My in laws on the other hand live about 10 minutes from us and haven't seen my kids in 5 months, they favor my sister in law, she just had her first. It is starting to really affect my kids, they want to know why grandma and pop pop don't see them. It is hard to come up with excuses so I now tell them they have to ask them. So when they do see them they get a lot of the why don't you see us. It took the pressure off of me to make them look good and put it on them. They still haven't gotten better, but at least they know how the kids feel.

Candace - posted on 08/08/2009

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I have 4 kids and I do love them all equally. Each one has things they do that irritate me, but I don't love them any less. Some are more cuddly, some need more attention, but it is not hard to love them for who they are.

Amie - posted on 08/08/2009

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I have 4 kids. I love them all and I treat them all the same. I don't have a favorite. I will NEVER play favorites. Even in my heart I don't do it. It's wrong. Sorry if anyone does this but it is. They are all my kids, if I only wanted one I would have only had one. There's no point in playing favorites because no matter how hard you try to hide it, the kids will know.

My mom does this. She even tried to play favorites (without realizing it because she thought she was hiding it) with my kids. I put a stop to it and said if she didn't she would no longer see her grand kids. I had to have the same talk with my in laws. It's ridiculous. It's damaging to the children and I will not sit there and be forced to answer questions like.. Why doesn't grandma love me as much as ____?

Your own kids will never bring it up to you either, well ok I shouldn't say all some might. I know I never asked my mom why she favored my brothers over me and my sister. Now that I'm older and had that talk with her she realized how glaringly we noticed it. I had never told her how much it hurt and how much my sister and I did notice. It's not just in how you treat them, kids notice those little things too. The looks you give the favored child, how you hug them a little tighter, kids are very observant.

I can't answer your last question though. I understand some people do it without realizing it even. To each their own but I love all my kids and all of them are my favorite.

Katrina - posted on 08/08/2009

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I can't say I have a favorite, I'm close with my children for different reasons and on different levels though. It doesn't mean I love one less than the other 2, it's just a different dynamic. My mother tried to favor my older son over my younger son because she didn't like the fact that my younger son is multiracial. Because of the severity of her favortism though, i had to take drastic measures. I had to tell her that if she favored one over the other then I would remove both of them from her life. I would not have my younger son feeling like he was less than he is because she didn't like his ethnicity. And in the end I had to stop associating with my mother because she decided she just couldn't accept who my younger son was. You may have to choose between your children and your mother, as i did. I pray for you that it doesn't come to that though. It's a very hard position to be in, and it's hard to have to explain to your children when they get older. My sons know what happened, and they actually respect me more. They feel I made the right decision. I hope it doesn't come down to that for you. God Bless.

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