Raising a child that is not mine....

Lucy - posted on 07/28/2013 ( 233 moms have responded )

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My husband cheated on me about 10 years ago and got the girl pregnant, I decided to forgive him. Time went by and he didn't really want much to do with him, he would bring him to our house occasionally. Until this year, the mom has been really bad on drugs and lost custody of her kids. My husband was forced to bring him in to my house. I accepted it since that was the right thing to do. Now the problem is that, I'm not really with my husband, he has went to a phase that he rather be with his friends getting drunk or hanging out instead of being with his family. The thing is that not only I have to raise my 4 kids but now I have to raise my husband's kid as well. His kid, has behavior problems and is really problematic. I have been doing a pretty good job (I think) of raising mine because they are so well behaved and don't have major behavior problems. Now, other people would be thinking, why I'm stupid and taking on this other responsibility since its not really my job to. But that's the same question I ask myself everyday too. It is very hard for me to just say I don't want to raise him anymore. I just can't, because this little boy already lost his mom to drugs and his dad don't really want anything to do with him and his other family don't really want to deal with him either. CPS was already involved and he was about to go to foster parents if I didn't take him in. I really want to be there for him but at the same time it is very hard to be able to deal with 5 kids. Should I just give up and let him go to foster parents, maybe he will get the help he needs and the attention he is asking for, since I can't really do much because I already have 4 of my own to raise. Or should I just hang in there and try to correct his behavior and try to make an impact on his life.

I came to this site for advise not for judgmental comments. The reason is harder to raise this child, is because he gets in trouble every wheres. At school he got expelled last year, this year, the only reason he didn't was because I know the principal at his new school and he gave him so many chances but was suspended so many times. I had to get out of work on many ocassions to go pick him up and take him to a sitters. He also got kicked out of the after school program I had enrolled him in and had to hire a nanny to watch him after school in which I had complaints almost everyday. Now in the summer, I've been taking my kids to a boys and girls program and he also has been getting suspended from there too. At home he likes to fight with my own kids as well, but if I keep an eye on him constantly it helps a lot.
My kids have never been suspended or sent to the principal's office, they have honor roll, perfect attendance, my oldest daughter scored a perfect score on the Math CST test. Teachers at the school always tell me they wish they had more kids like mine. But its because I raised my kids to be this way. So not being used to my step son's type of behavior problems like he has is very stressful. I wasn't trained for it and I'm learning as I go.
My husband and I are not together anymore, he does come over just randomly, but basically he has left all the responsibility to me. I've always had to raise my own since he has been in prison 3 times for DUI's and is always gone, so I'm used to doing it on my own, but I feel defeated trying to raise my step son. I do love him and would like the best for him, but I feel like I'm not cut out to do it and I feel because I don't know how to deal with him, I am hurting him more.

07/30/13
Thank you all, for taking time to give me some advise. I'm already implementing some of your tips into this issue. I'm currently trying to get him some counseling, but its expensive, so I applied for medical for him just waiting to get it approved. I had took him to the Betty Ford Center a few months ago and that helped him a lot. I know its going to take lots of patience, love and understanding but with God's help his behavior will improve. I know he wishes to have his mom back and I told him that he just has to keep on praying for her so she could get better. Now, I understand that he is like another one of my children and I'm trying my best to treat him exactly equal to my own. Sometimes it is hard though when they fight, I tend to want to choose my kids side over him, I guess I just have to work on that and also help my kids deal with and understand him. I know that my kids might need some counseling as well, since their dad's absence might be affecting them as well. So I'm going to look into getting them some counseling as well.

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Jamie - posted on 07/30/2013

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If you take your husband's infidelity out of the equation what you're left with is...

A child who has lost both his parents, and is living with strangers who, by the tone of your post, don't accept him as part of the family, and treat him differently.

Put yourself in his shoes, he's the victim here.

I'm not going to sugar coat it for you, but here it is: He's a child, abandoned, you're a woman who is his only link to his father, you can provide him with love and stability, which he so desperately needs. He MIGHT go to a great foster home, but he also might go to a terrible one, be shuttled around to terrible foster homes, be abused or neglected. Are you willing to take that chance to get the monkey off your back? If fifteen years down the road he's a druggie rapist? Or dead?

Then again, if you CAN'T get over your feelings, then you're better off surrendering him. If you can't love him or treat him as an equal to your own children, he's better off without you. It all depends on what you're capable of.

I would suck it up and raise him, and I would love him, because the thought of turning a child out in to the unknown would be worse for me than raising "my husband's kid". If he's having trouble, get him a counselor, research raising a troubled kid, because he is troubled and he needs direction, and discipline.

You have to asses YOURSELF. It's YOUR capabilities as a mother and a human being that will determine what course you should take.

Sentira - posted on 07/30/2013

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I'm coming to you as the child of a step parent. my mother passed away when I was 12 and my father ran to the bar instead of letting me run into his arms. I was rallied that same year and list my first child. the only person that stood by my side was my step mother. even when my father cheated, she stayed. even when they got divorced, she stayed. I'm 22 years old and I just started having a positive relationship with her last year. but that was only because she didn't give up on me, she loved me like I was her own, and she never regretted keeping me ever. I fought her as a teenager, but she still lived me through it all.sent me to counseling, she held me even when I didn't want to be held, and nobody even knew that she was my step mother. she didn't let anyone tell her that I wasn't her child. after everything that I lost, I didn't trust for years. but then as an adult, I realized that this woman was still in my works and still loved me ever so much. she didn't have to do a damn thing for me. she could have sent me on my way when she divorced my father when I was 14. but she didn't. and I love my mother so much for sticking with me and giving me a chance at life.

that little boy had been through hell. now it's time for you to bring him back. I'm not saying this judgemental, but please don't ever call him that kid again. the same way you treat your children, treat him. behavioral problems or not. this is going to bee the biggest challenge you will face in life but when you see a grown man in front of you years from now saying " thank you for not giving up on me mom" and showing signs of love, it will all be worth it.

I now have a step son myself. he and my son light up my world. yes sometimes he can be a problem child but love it's the greatest gift of all time.

I promise, do your best and live him as your own and one day you will reap your reward.
God bless

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/29/2013

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Well, perhaps his behaviour would have been better to start, if he'd been treated like a loved and wanted child by your husband. If he'd been brought to know his other biological siblings, if he'd been integrated into the household for the last 10 years, instead of having to be dumped on your doorstep after his mother screwed up.

That being said, counseling is a MUST for this family. Individual for the young man, plus sessions with himself and his father, and sessions for the entire family.

Lynette - posted on 08/01/2013

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If there is some way you could legally become his foster mother, this will give you an opportunity to access the services provided for foster parents. They usually offer counselling, financial assistance, respite care so you get a break, psychology and a social worker to support and guide you. This way you won't have to do it all on your own and most services will be without cost to you. Also, even if you don't go down the legal foster care path, you may also be entitled to respite. Just contact Commonwealth Care Link and apply for respite. You need it and you deserve it. Be kind to yourself. I think you are a pretty special kind of person.

Candice - posted on 07/30/2013

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When u forgave ur husband for cheating on you you also forgave anything that happened as a result of those actions. The fact that you feel "forced" into being a part of this child's life is plain selfish. He did not have a choice in who his parents were or the circumstances that brought him here. This boy is lashing out because he's feelin rejected and dismissed on every side. He lost his mother to her drug addiction, his father is running away to escape, and you are giving him a cold shoulder. He's crying out for the love that he so desperately needs! Forgiveness is an action, not just something you say, and to me it sounds like you've held on to bitterness. Your husband would rather be with his buddies because his home is not a safe haven. There is no peace! My suggestion is that you seek family and marriage counseling. Give this boy the love of a mother that you possess. Im sure you've felt deserted by someone when you've needed them most. Do not recycle that pain into this boy's life! Teach your children to love him as well because he is their brother. Bitterness spreads like a virus; it destroys everything it touches. Love spreads like a balm; it heals everything that's been hurt.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/26/2015

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This thread is old. Locking. Feel free to start a new thread on this topic.

~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

Nerax - posted on 03/25/2015

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oh lucy.....we are really on the same boat.....the only difference is that the father of my strepson is still here with me but he doesnt deal so much with him..not really ignoring him, he is just not the type of disciplinarian father...like, one word is enough for his kid, but really that's not enough....we went to counseling and he agreed to be more open and more involved in shaping up his child..i hope it will work..and i think i'm gonna need to work on my patience with the kid as well....good luck to us lucy......hope we can make it....a big hug to you....if time comes that you think you cant make it anymore....i know it wont be easy but you got to give him up before you lose yourself, because you still have your own children who need you.....you're such a strong woman......God bless.....

Tracy - posted on 10/12/2013

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Don't give up on him. I commend you for raising your step son since his dad is no longer around. I have a step son by my husband due to the same circumstance and I have often wondered if I could raise him if something ever happen to my husband but never thought about raising him if we ever separated or divorced. How does the child feel living with you without his dad being in the picture

Amanda-rae - posted on 10/11/2013

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Do what you feel. This kid may have a behavior problem because he knows no one that he cares for , cares for him. And he's dealing with it by acting out. If you think you can handle it, talk to him, see how he feels. He may need you more then you think.

Tina - posted on 09/03/2013

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And dont forget you my love, getting counselling for the children is a very good idea, dont forget there is you, you have to be 'ok' to be able to look after everyone else. I think it is a wonderful thing you are doing. Don't listen to negative things, and if you make a decision about whether or not you can continue to do this, the people you love and trust will stand by you. You are sharing your love and this can make you feel guilty.
Just remember you did not get into drugs or go to prison or decide to leave them and go out with friends, you're there doing your best. If your children are of an older age and you can talk to them, then do so as a family, tell them it is a good thing to do and difficult for all. The father should be ashamed of himself, but then he can have his own demons to deal with. Be honest about what you want to do. Dont feel guilty and share your thoughts. Ask not for advice as in what should you do, but in this is what I am going to do, please support me. For someone else's suggestion may not be right for you.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/20/2013

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ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/12/20131501
Aah, that's where you are so so wrong dear, my life is loads better than yours and of course, missing out on the good things,


ShakirinaLIkram that woman speaks and replies soo petty , she sounds like she is 5 yrs old, how would she know any thing about me lol! and who cares what you think, specially when you speak to others as you do here, you hardly show any Humility, rather you are arrogant.

Maria - posted on 08/18/2013

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I am a foster parent, and have been for almost twenty years. I've adopted several children over the years, so I know what it is like to take in children who you have not given birth to. I think it's a wonderful, selfless act on your part to raise a child who your husband fathered with another woman. God bless you. Because he is not your biological child, you could ask for assistance through your local Department of Child Protective services. They can put therapy in place, school advocates, as well as paying you to raise him. They can also provide you with all the free trainings that they offer...I'm sure there would be one for behavior modification that you may find helpful. You would also get free health insurance for this child thru CPS.
On a separate note, please know that foster care can be a very loving, positive and permanent experience for a child. I hate when people talk about foster care like it's the worst option in the world. Foster parents have saved lives....they've loved and nurtured children from all different abusive and neglectful backgrounds. We are human beings...not monsters looking to abuse kids. On the contrary....we are warm, loving, nurturing people who want to give the children in our care a loving, nurturing environment where they can be part of a healthy family. Good luck with all your children!

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/12/2013

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Navette yes she is courageous, but this was 10 years ago as I read....

not sure if Lucy as legally adopted him ? or his past parents have legally given up all their rights. Just hope for Lucy and specially this boys bio parents, have done things legally the right way now,:: she does not say at all... as even though she s a really goo parent, really if noting Legally was settled wayyy back, still their child in the full sense. Would not be good for the child if the bio parents just pop back and take him, then Lucy may have no rights at all, and cannot do anything about this if it happened.

(((Get all Legal issues sorted for the Childs sake))) and if done, then the child is then Legally Lucy's and she is getting all support for him now any way so part issue is sorted in part, but not fully?


and Lucy be very careful of people like ShakirinaLIkram - posted 11 hours here Because I have my own business and source of income, I sincerely wouldn't mind unburdening Lucy's `unexpected' plight. So.over here, where many of us employ either a partime. or at least one fulltime house-help ( pretty cheap, actually) to help me with my four children, one more does not dent our pockets.




?? she is crackers, as Licy has had this boy for 10 yrs!! and ShakirinaLIkram obviously has no idea of the complexities of adoption.

ShakirinaLIkram looks very entertaining as she obviously has all the time in the world to watch the Brady bunch lol! oh and has feels she needs to add she works impressive lol! so funny.

People like ShakirinaLIkram look like they are here to help. rather want to convert you to their Religion, she writes her that she would take wants the boy you caring for, she lives in la la land where she writes and believes maids are best for children, um yeah right not, she really as no idea.

PS I dont live in the USA. )But I am an adoptive Mum of a wonderful child) However this not my or others story, however as far s Adoption goes I know what I am taking about, and you are not chosen because you may have maids lol!

so say (IF) Lucy has not yet adopted this 10 year old boy she talks about, do hope for the boys sake and Lucy's to get all this mess FULLY and legally sorted.

Navette Doman - posted on 08/12/2013

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First, I must say you are blessed to be doing what you are doing. Secondly, you are raising a child that is YOURS though you may not have been his biological mother because in circumstances as yours, the minute you decided to stay with your husband, that child became yours. Please do not be disheartened, I see where you have already sought counselling for him and I would suggest you get some yourself since you are only human and this situation is definitely taking a toll on you. Try to relate to your son as much as possible, scolding him with love. If he is a normal child, in time his behavior will change. Remember no child is born 'bad'. He may very well be acting out because his mother failed him and he now has to deal with a father who has literally abandoned him. I applaud your courage and the efforts made in getting this child to where he is. In the interim, take time out to be with your other children. No good deed goes unrewarded and you shall be rewarded. May you find solace in the fact that you are indeed a great mom.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/12/2013

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Take the dad to family court to make him own up.
Oh and if the dad is in court, make his relative help care for the boy. Where is anyones sense of care gone in this world, very sad to hear of such selfishness. however all said and done the father and the bio Mothers are the biggest losers, and have caused a lot of grief.

Whats goes around comes around, the boy wont to have anything to do with both of them if they don't make amends sooner rather than later.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/12/2013

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Cannot get worse sorry to hear Lucy. Some friend she was she and your husband both abusing your trust.

Do hope you get then to face up to their own responsibility of having a child together, and make them pay the price to both care and pay for all costs the boy needs them to do after all it their child ( age of child unknown?) while all the way cheating on you.

Anyways no more said really unless you can move on somehow and get help from say your ex husbands relatives even? else this simply goes around and around with no solutions.

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/11/2013

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Dearie, my take on this is, you have been had by both his (not naivety so much as your love for them) and now is left holding all the babies. He spend more time in than out of prison. ONLY you can decide. Here we have marriage counselling over two year space to think things in proper perspectives.
Absentee parents are no good for anyone and wasted symphathies do not put bread on your table. Cut your losses and damage control. Your sacrifices will in the end take a toll on your living time, if it has not already (after five children). Life is Unfair and never a bed of roses. Marriage too is not `till Death do us part' or made for Heaven.
Yesterday, a cuckoo DiMaggio was shot dead after abducting 16-yr old daughter of a friend.He killed the mother, together with her 8-year old son and burned them.. And he was not even a jailbird!
Save yourself from further indignity and misery - you can run alone, with your children and/or with/without the absconded parents' son!
Build a new life FOR whoever you can spare your finances, life and happiness.
We will all pray that God be your Guiding Light, Amen!

Lucy - posted on 08/11/2013

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I just wanted to add that the girl he cheated with was his ex best friend, I naively accepted that relationship of "best friends" and I let her into my house even took care of her children occasionally and after almost a year of his birth I found out he was my husband's child conceived on a night of drunkenness. So yeah, she was aware of him being married and still staved me on the back. :(

Ellen - posted on 08/11/2013

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Yes what you're saying is true. And while I agree with your last statement regarding some of the women out there you can also say the same for alot of men. He is the no good low life that strayed in the first place. That women didn't force him to have sex with her. Now he seems to want nothing to do with his children and he's in prison. I hope Lucy never takes him back again. She deserves better.

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/10/2013

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In all these kind and unkind cuts and comments the crux for Lucy is to still look to the God and the pastor of her Church because we are dealing with human fragilities, frailities and financial and time shortages. It is her unlucky lot that the one she entrusted most to give her happiness and protection not only to her kids, herself but to his own kids spent more time in than out of prison. added to that he and his sexploit are jungkies - nothing to hope for there.
Let us all pray we have in our ways been able to lead her to smart and uncluttered choices, for the good of all her chidren, the UNwarranted addition and herself.
Pity there were many godless, acidic, vitriolic, vengeful, vindictive and putrid women out there still!
They hit out at anything breathing and moving, given the chance.

Ellen - posted on 08/10/2013

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First of all I want to say you deserve a medal. You sound like a winderful person. The best advice I can give you is to keep on doing what you're doing. It's very smart of you to get him and your own children counseling. Some counties provided free counseling programs. You might want to look into that if you haven't already. The important thing is that this child feels loved and has some stability in his life and I think you are providing that. I was a divorced mother and raised a son that had behavior problems. I just always made sure that he knew I loved him. I stressed good behavior and always told him that I would never give up on him. It wasn't easy but he grew up to be a nice young man that I'm proud of. So there is hope. I wish I had more advice for you but it sounds like you're doing a great job.

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/10/2013

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Sometimes it has been God's design to put Lucy to test..Tole her not to listen to Devil's whispers, Sheez with so many putrid vitriolic and uncharitables around, who needs an enemy!
Guess charity is not in many's vocabulary, its moeny, money and money!
Go Lucy go.. It looks like Michelle Obama will be bombed too if this is brought to her attention.
Talk about bitter experiences and nothing do good can benefit!
LOST the religion people..

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/09/2013

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WOW who are you to Judge. Honestly I really don't have time for this Religious hatred thanks, we all have our own life's to live, and yours is not better than others leave things at that thank you, as this post has nothing to do with your life, go set up you own blog if you what to rant about on about Religion, but don't spoil Lucy/s site here. We all are allowed our own opinions, so Go throw your buns else where as I wont lower myself to your standard by calling people names behind a computer as you and do simply wanting to fight is NOT the Christian way, bye.

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/09/2013

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I think it is you who is so confounding bigoted and who does not think God is needed in everything one does or any problem one faces!
The human brain is too infirm and small. And I am seting one in You. Look at how you read the riot act of AJ! What did she ever do to you?
simply put, you maam just not same league as those with intellectual discourse - mere shoot before thinking.
So much help you will be for even yourself. I believe Lucy is a good Christian and goes to church for peace of mind and solutions!

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/08/2013

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ShakirinaLIkram - posted 11 hours agoJust to explain, Islam for us is not weird, just as any other religion (is one has not lost it).
1. Muslims have men as pall-bearers. So if one is blessed with 4 sons they will carry us to our burial sites. If not the males relatives etc.
2. I feel the Brady Bunch is the best example for a couple with children fro two different parentage. They faced differences but in the end managed to find common grounds after many trials. So I do not see this coming under one roof from different parents weird. Angelina Jolie is doing it, befitting her name.

MY REPLY THIS IS NOT ABOUT CARRYING COFFINS?>> you are in the wrong site.
??? IS that woman;s post for real? How the heck would any one know or care what you believe in? I and others never asked you simply because this is not about YOU, or did I say ANYTHING bout ANY religion thanks, you did. I stand with the original writer Lucy and hope she does what simply is right for her own situation, and trust she does not need to be harassed by fanatics just want to prey and swoop on her to take her to anyones Region no matter what that may be, as "no one asked about Islam here", this doe's not mean they are not good people as well because they don't go to a Church or a temple. um.... as you don't know what others believe here, as this is not about Religion, rather a distressed woman.

This is Lucy's full stop, not and never was a blog about Muslims or a Christians, and what if she doe's NOT have your believe or any ones else so what ?so be it, accept people as they are, BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR SITUATION OR POST

Unless someone asks about any Religion ,best not to feel you need to persuade them in to yours.um ((As it does not take any one to necessary Belief in God to take on another child any way)) and The Brady Bunch, and Angelia J are hardy Godly examples, rather cleverly made up persons who hardly believe in any god, who have exploited there Children , as WHO would PUSH their Children in to TV cameras? um You DONT nee to be on TV to feel to persuade strangers that you are something other than Human, like the rest of us who also take on others Children dear.

um you seem to flip back and forward to what is a belief to what is not of god like Secular T and only the IMAGES of what TV portrays,,, you only sound confused with the original post, Lucy was NOT asking for others opinion about Religion, and I was not either thanks, best leave thigns at that, as Most only what Peaceful solution, not religious piousness.

I am a Mother who Adopted a child, and I and other people who adopt DONT need to hear anything about so called Celebrities such as Angelina Jolie who deliberately starves her self to make statement, I don't look to TV personalities , I don't follow or have any idols in my life, and don't need to be preached to thanks regardless of your beliefs. AS IN ALL RESPECT, THIS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ME OR RELIGION THANKS or Angelia Jolie's big lips or her bog bank balance, she has nothing to do and SHOUDL NOT MAKE COMPARISONS to Lucy, and the Brady Bunch was a TV show, Lucys is real life:).

Gezzze, can anyone see Angelia take of her husbands lovers child> um me thinks not, not she is to much of a Earthly person she would toss him out pronto! as any self respectful woman may do :) out and with his lovers offspring, if that ever happened. mind you she has had many lovers of her own, not to mention Angleia J snatched another's Husbands in the first place, um ooh arree Angelia J what a example of a woman, not, just why do people fawn over TV idols.. its rubbish and fantasy, only feeding their own egos.

They are alot of so called important people who don't bring human worshipping attention to them selves as well that DO good works for others,,,,, Mother Theresa any say runs rings around Anglea Jolie,and one does snot have to be Catholic to know and appreciate that fact. :)



And the issue is not about is not about wether Lucy even wants or wanted to have or having more Children at all IT WAS AN UNINVITED FALSE EXPECTATION THAT WAS PLACED ON TO HER, and its about a bio couple who have DUMPED their responsibilities of their own child, in an ADULTEROUS relationship,on to another unsuspecting poor Mother.... who writes she is already BURDENED with enough of her own and cannot cope with more thats her Honesty ... so best to stick to the plot and writings of Lucy's Story, not yours thanks.



People are not here to promote any Religion or beliefs on to others, rather support "with out making others belief necessary what you may, as in all RESPECT :) and Kindness, this is not about you ShakirinaLIkram.

If Lucy also decides NOT to parent another child, then so be it, and under the circumstances, its her personal choice, and would not be looked down upon if she needed to give up the boy either with such lectures about Islam and Pale Bearers is what you want a extra boy , what if it was a girl still good enough to use to carry a coffin? ) she would not be a bad Mother either way.... just one LIVING her reality how it is now.


Singed Adoptive Mum. :) Not a Celeb and proud of it! Normal Human being

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/07/2013

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Just to explain, Islam for us is not weird, just as any other religion (is one has not lost it).
1. Muslims have men as pall-bearers. So if one is blessed with 4 sons they will carry us to our burial sites. If not the males relatives etc.
2. I feel the Brady Bunch is the best example for a couple with children fro two different parentage. They faced differences but in the end managed to find common grounds after many trials. So I do not see this coming under one roof from different parents weird. Angelina Jolie is doing it, befitting her name. she has children from different races and assigned nannies to all of them without discrimination of colour nor origin. So minus her laods of money - this is possible once Lucy say Go!
3. Sending to Church did not mean leaving him there. We go to mosques to find things good to hear, see and do. Churches here has Saturday and Sunday charity and Christian activities, the husband's and their chidren can benefit a great deal with such kind of activities.
4. Nothing from the milk of kindness and purity of intent is weird. It reflects a great deal of the state of a person's level of thinking. The boy did no wrong so why punish him for what his parents did (visiting the sins,,,).
5, We give beggars alms we feed the poor and shelter the infirm when and as we can. We seek out the poor and needy and give them our `rejects' because we are mostly in better shapes than others. so what is so weird about thinking charitable thoughts.
And do not be so hard on drug addicts and jailbirds, even when they messed up good and proper. If the State and community cannot help them, must we let them lie to die on the streets?
Than there in lies the difference - we are taught to help as all Muslims are Brothers (female included)
My parents were teachers so we teach our children never think the loads on our backs are the heaviest. I hope, Marie and others, I have unWeird myself.
Be it Christianity or Islam, have a Golden heart and the softness and gentleness of ladies - its no fairy tale.
It is tough but a target which can attained, so help us God!

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/07/2013

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The child is her ex and his Love Child Mothers, in the end they need to take the heat and own up!

Sad thing is, this woman had this forced upon her,,,.. it seems like she once loved her husband so much that she would even take in "his unwanted child that he has made then left", this is so very sad indeed.

If she has not legally Adopted the boy?? has she? if not then , then they are Legal concenquences etc still hanging over her and her ex, she should definitely bring the guy and his LOVE CHIDLS MOTHER to a Family Court to force and FACE HIS OWN NEGLECT OF A CHILD ex to face his responsibility, she does not say how old the boy is? as he would still be needing financial assistance form both his legal bio parents in the first place.

Geepess, get the boys boys to own up to legally sort the mess out, as the boys Birth Certificate is not in anyone else name if he has not be properly Relinkquenced.( sorry for spelling computer wont correct)

Sad thing is then then bio parents can come back and claim him any time they like, if never sorted out by courts.

I have heard others tae in children just for weeks then bio parents simply not own up,,,, it ends in a mess mostly for the children involved, as they are in Limbo.


Its like this, the bios wont give up all Legal rights, however they also wont take all their Emotional and Legal stuff on either for what they creates in this world.

Some people are banned from ever having a dog for the way they treat animals and Pets and could never care for them any way, so what should the courts do to parents of neglected and unwanted children...Um perhaps banned then as well? if not why not... its not like Children are a mistake..... thats NOT the message you want to give any child, however its what bios DO that tell their own Flesh and blood if they are Loved or not by them, Shame falls back in the end to them. All round very sad situation, that Children always seem to pay for emotionally.

User - posted on 08/07/2013

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I agree w Darlene. If you're not w your husband, he isn't your responsibility! That was his mistake for cheating while married and you shouldn't have to be the one to pay for it!

Jennifer - posted on 08/07/2013

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That is great of you to take on this child that is not yours! As much grief it is for you and your children, and how you think he might have behavioral problems for the rest of his life, you might be his one saving grace. And when he goes on to college, it will all be because of you! You are awesome not to turn your back on him!!

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/05/2013

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Darlene , `To err is human' as its Lucy is already big-hearted enough to include her ex- love child! He has been in and out of jail so do not punish the boy! Many men had done a lot worse than leaving her with his children to fend.
In America there are many social coverages and Church benevolence - go for them, Lucy dear, nothing like being a full - fledged TLC mum to five!In time they will grow to be well - balanced and beautiful children, in minds and hearts. as you have shown them your cup is flowing with love!

Darlene - posted on 08/05/2013

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I been through a similar situation and you are a good person for taking this child in but when you and your husband split the child should have went with him. He is not your responsibility, If he had him when you two got married it would be different because you would have known about what you getting into before hand but because of the situation you shouldn't have to deal with a child that's not your's and was conceived out of infidelity. You didn't ask for this and if this child has problems that's costing you money and grief in your home then his father needs to take him and deal with him. What I would do is pack a suit case for him and take him to his father's house and tell him to get him some counseling and until his behavior dramatically improves you can't take care of him.

Nthabiseng - posted on 08/05/2013

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sista pease try social development services to make an appointment for your children
if you stay in south africa they can offer free counselling for your children.i agree with Amber.

Jamie - posted on 08/04/2013

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To Bevin Moss.. I think many will agree with you here. AF was just plain RUDE never mind "harsh"! I don't think they did read the original post! Thank you for stating your opinion! AGREED!

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/04/2013

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ShakirinaLIkram Post of 2 days ago, a real strange one!

She's says in her religion she needs 1 more son, for a pale bearer??? weird. Then says the woman's like a Brady Bunch family??? weird. and goes on to say don't visit the sins of the boys parents onto him?? Heck what weird comments, as some how ShakirinaLIKram feels the boy then is going to be sooo thankful? wow that a fairy tale story.

She then says send the boy to Church or a Orphanage?? gezze he needs a family first and full stop and fact remains he is still in a family, the woman is only venting her frustration more " than asking where to place this boy...


ShakirinaLIKram says ...
OU can certainly make a wonderful Brady Bunch.
He will adore you for your unreserved mothering he never knew!
DO NOT visit the sins of his parents on him. Consider yourself lucky.

Weird weird and strange that some how children that have been abandoned by adults need to feel any thankfulness at all.....

Helen - posted on 08/04/2013

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You don't need any more opinions on this, so all I'll say is I think that you are an amazing person to take on another child, especially as you are no longer with his dad.
He will need lots of understanding, loving, patience, consistency and discipline (not necessarily punishment!) but you already know that!
You will integrate him into your family and prove to him that not everyone will let him down.

Love to you and you expanded family, and all the best for the future x

Coffeesnob82 - posted on 08/03/2013

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I really have no helpful tips or advice, I just wanted to get on here and tell you what an amazing character you have treating this boy the way you do. When you would have a perfectly understandable reason not to want him around you put your hurt, and anger away to offer this child something nobody else will give him. Stability, family, love, affection and kindness. He will never forget that. Hugs to you girl.

Deborah Ridgely - posted on 08/03/2013

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Lucy, I am praying for you! You are a courageous woman to raise 5 children on your own! I know that if you seek God, he will show you what you need to do. If you are a part of a church, please seek help from brothers and sisters who can assist you in the care of this child. Everybody needs to seek help when problems overwhelm, and it is good that you are open to receiving it. You are making a difference to him whether you know it or not. For a child, that is so important! I will also pray that your husband repents.

Angela - posted on 08/03/2013

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It's great that you have taken on this child. And it's never easy. It's hard enough dealing with one's partner's children from a previous relationship, never mind one that was adulterously conceived during your own marriage.

So if you're hanging on in there and keeping this child, good luck to you.

Your husband is a dead loss though.

Good luck.

Rebecca - posted on 08/03/2013

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You are doing a wonderful thing Lucy. I pray for you to know the Lord's strength and wisdom.

ShakirinaLIkram - posted on 08/02/2013

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Lucy you have the capacity for a lot of TLC for 5kids 1 more makes no difference as it is the Godly and Chriatian thing to do. Please, send him to a Church or any Orphanage and pray hard the bio parents will repent and the Mum rehabilitated.
For all you know the `short-circuiting' he is goin through started from the day she slept with your ex-. He cheated you so he could have cheated her too. By all accounts he is not nly dishonest and irresponsible multiple partner man, who were at a cross=road in his messed up life.
Now your own 5 plus another woman's son (future Gen American) future rest in your home and hands! President Gerald Ford has always stuck in my memory of the best that can happen when he was reaised by a different father. You are raising another woman's offspring. YOU can certainly make a wonderful Brady Bunch.
He will adore you for your unreserved mothering he never knew!
DO NOT visit the sins of his parents on him. Consider yourself lucky.
Who know if he will be America's President if you treat him as your very own - warts faults and all.
Be a kind Samaritan and go to Church often. I am seas away or I would be happy to have him in my family. I have just 3 boys, I need 1 more.
In our religion, we believe we need to have 4 as our future pall-bearers. But one false step even our own may turn out to be not as we dreamt off.
Good Luck, May Allah Bless Your noble heart and close your ears to the rotten whispers of the Devils around you!

Gwen - posted on 08/02/2013

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You are amazing.... I just can't thank you enuf.... Because you are doing a thankless job which no one appreciates... I am sure you will do the right thing... I won't give advice or anything.... just sending loads if love strength love and aupport to you.... halfway across the world from one mom to another.... Thanks a lot...

Dee - posted on 08/02/2013

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It is such an amazing story. I wish you all the best for trying to help this child. Counseling and support groups for your entire family maybe helpful. Contact the CPS or social network in your area for support or look for programs for at risk kids. There are programs that even provide respite care within or outside of your home. At least in my state, they provide therapy and workshops to families like yours (that is you are taking care of a child that was was scheduled for foster care). Don't give up on him, but remember that you need to take care of yourself and other other too. Especially with this child's continual declining behavior. God Bless!

Veronika - posted on 08/02/2013

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The simple fact that you question yourself tells me you are human, and being human is all you need to be. From my perspective, you are in an insane situation, but you are doing all that is humanly possible for this child, and your own. He simply needs direction, understanding, and plenty of unconditional love. You know how to provide these things, your children have reaped the rewards of a parent who knows how to raise a child. It won't be an easy road, and it will take time for this child to trust you, trust his new environment, and trust that your methods are what will make him a better person. Please allow him the time to adjust to you, make him feel that he is part of your family, in good times and in bad. He will come around to you, and in the long run, as long as you stick to your parenting methods (please don't change to accommodate the behavior, change the behavior through continuity of your methods) he will one day thank his Mom, you. Birthing a child makes a woman a mother… not a MOM! I hope this helps, there is no easy solution… Definitely tap into all the counseling and school resources you can to help you, and him, get through this positively difficult time. I wish you and your FIVE children the best.

Chile Adoptions Support NZ Parents. - posted on 08/02/2013

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Your husband needs to be forced by the system to pay for the child's care full stop, if he does not then the Father should be cut from any benifits if he is not in fact working? the system have a part to make parents shape up, as Children are a gift "not a right" to have.

Feel for you as this has been placed upon you with out you knowing that he infact got his girl pregnant in the first pacle,'' You have bascially answering your own Qs, yes best to let the poor boy go to a place where he can recive one and one between X2 loving parents, not saying at all you don't love the boy as obvious and plain to see you care a lot to ask for help,however sounds like he is getting you very sick emotional down etc because you are trying so hard.

(The boy needs to go to a place where people can focus just in him alone). Keeping the boy is not selfish, and at times may be, as you are NOT expected to fix others problems, however I commend you for been far more responsible than the boys father.

however if the boy cannot get head way because others are to busy then he will continue to suffer and your family will continue to be miserable, you know what to do, but don't let guilt that is not yours doing whats best, you may have to give him up to allow him to get what eh needs 100% and not just 50% as to say? be a BIG part of approving WHO he goes to next and yes stay in his life as ling as he feels happy to, don't just allow the system to take full reigns, tell CPS what you need for him, and if the boy goes to another home even for respite to give you a much earned REST, visit the boy each week, once he goes to a knew home, this will help him transit better, as the boy does not have any other family that cares any way, you can be a help when the boy is somewhere getting all his emotional needs meet, or at a place where he has lest one other child to have company with, rather than feeling he needs to compete with X5 others.

Good luck, as all round a very sad situation for the boy to of been placed in by a selfish loser father in the first place, the father needs to be placed/forced in to been responsible by the system , cut his benefits and see how he is to survive himself, um.

Good thoughts for the Boy who in the end needs the support most from a couple who does have the time needed, and are strong enough to handle him and " accept all of his situation, but help the boy know he can have a good future given the proper tools and opportunities. :)

Really no matter what others say, its your call, and only you will live with what ever outcomes may be, thus its your own judgements that count the most whatever your decide, but its the boys future that hangs in all of this, a very tough situation to be in. :( he will sense your own emotions one way or the other, and the fact his Dad left him means he will always have some rejection to deal with , something you don't need to be told, if you decide to keep him, then there is no reason to be here, if not, then do find him a home where he can get all his needs meet, but DO stay in his life so he knows lest others care.

Work on not feeling so guilty as it sounds for what ever you decide, as you are in the end trying to do your best, and at times what you may feel is the best is still not working, then may be find a loving home where he can receive one on one that he is in need off most..... not sure ow old the boy is? longer you leave things, you simply would not want him to leave, as this as well can only may be a recipe of disaster for the boy sending him in to more rejection.

Teenage years children need you most!

Giving someone up is caring as well, all depends on what you are trying to acheive.

Crissy - posted on 08/02/2013

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No judgement, let him go to foster care. Your children will grow to resent him and you will eventually run out of patience. I am a foster mother. We are trained to take care of children like this and we get Medicaid and $$ for the child. Cut as many ties to your ex as possible. Good luck and god bless you for all you have done so far.

Shonta - posted on 08/02/2013

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A wife should never be asked in my opinion to accept a child from her husbands affair. If she decides to then that's her choice and rightly so. Staying with your husband has nothing to with you accepting his child. You can forgive him and that take years to heal but the child is his responsibility not yours. Let the child go with his father since he's left the home. You should feel guilty for how you feel. You are obligated to your children not anyone else. I respect you for dealing with the child and loving him. I would still respect you if you loved the child from a distance! Shouldn't feel guilty. Sorry typo

Christina - posted on 08/02/2013

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This sweet child needs unconditional love. I am speaking from experience. Please don't give up on him. He will cling to you and your children in time. Besides, all he wants and has ever wanted is a family to love him the way you love your biological children. Being a parent is hard, but you can do this. I will be praying for you all.

Haidee - posted on 08/02/2013

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Hi, if I were in your shoes if would do is to fill that child with all the love you can give.. Eventually he will gave it back to you.. Remember, WE, Parents are the mirror of our kids. What we do to them comes back to us parents. God Bless!

Cybil - posted on 08/01/2013

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The boy wants you to give up on him like his family (mom & Dad). I want to encourage you you. don't give up, there is a reason God gave you this child.

Bevin - posted on 08/01/2013

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To Amber Finley, How judgmental can you be? Did you even read her post??? She's asking for help! If she didn't like the kid, she wouldn't have asked and she would have let him go. And no, he's not her responsibility. But for the goodness of her heart, she's decided to keep him in her family and seek help.

Loree - posted on 08/01/2013

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Im not with my son's dad never have been my son is a "one hit wonder", but his 17yo needed a place to stay for awhile. She's temperamental and spoiled, but the more I treated her like she was my kid the more she tried to change. Ur husband doesn't care for any of his kids based on his behavior. I think your job is to be motherly, yes it's hard (very hard) but I think when u start to treat him like u gave birth to him. He will respect u more than ur other kids do, because he knows u don't have to do anything for him if u didn't care.

Amber - posted on 08/01/2013

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So this may seem harsh but if you forgave your husband or at the very least kept him. That makes you the step-mom. You chose to stay in your marriage and at that point it included another child. Sorry but that is how it is. Your husband has a responsibility to that child and because you are married to him so do you. Yes it is hard but legally he is your child to and you have a responsibility to care for home. As well a moral responsibility to care for him. If you do like it or don't want to do it boot your husband out and send your step son with him. Yes this is harsh but it is your reality. Honestly the one in this whole situation that has suffered the most is your step-son. FYI I am sure your step-son picks up on the fact that you don't like him or his mom. I can't imagine why he would act out. hmmm

Lillian - posted on 08/01/2013

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I'm gust wondering if anyone knows how I can get out of this grup ?

That wold be great if someone can let me know how I'm not event shure if I'm in the right page thank u

Kristin - posted on 08/01/2013

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I know you can handle it, I am raising 4 that are not my own. That makes 5 kids with my biological son. It is the most challenging thing, but one day it will all be worth it!!!!

Michelle - posted on 08/01/2013

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i think u r amazing and inspirational,i get overwhelmed alot with being a single mother,of 1 child kudos to u i dont know if i could do what u r doing,and still be sane....

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