Raising another woman's child

Rachel - posted on 10/04/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I met my boyfriend almost two years ago through my uncle (they are both car enthusiasts). It was a whirlwind romance, everything was great. Shortly after, he met my then 10 year old daughter & my 18 yr old son. I met his then 3 yr old daughter. At that point in our relationship I learned that he was still struggling to divorce his wife of three years and that after a year and half they were no closer to finalizing the divorce then I was to growing wings. I stuck it out because my love for him and his daughter were worth it. Shortly after I moved in with him, we noticed the three year old acting out in strange ways (using a comb to act like she was cutting herself) and she came over several times with chunks of her hair missing. We knew she was cutting her own hair at mommys and my boyfriend brought it to not only the ex's attention but to the parenting coordinator as well. Along with the fact that we would pick the three year old up in sweats, and slippers on a 120' day and shorts and sandals on a rainy day, we ended up with full time parenting. The ex was ordered to get an IME. The end result, she has histrionic personality disorder and persecutory delusional disorder. She thinks that my boyfriend paid off everyone and she truly believes there is nothing wrong with her. She refuses to get court ordered help or hire a supervisor to visit her daughter. She waits until a family member flies out from Canada so she can have her supervised parenting time. In 9 months she has seen her daughter approximately 20 days. Naturally, my boyfriends daughter calls me mom. I think it's because she formed such am awesome bond with my now 12 year old daughter and my son. They call me mom and maybe she decided to call me mom too, who knows? We never questioned it (maybe that was wrong) we just went along with it. She talks about my son who is now in the Army everyday. She says she misses him so much. While we think the bond they formed is absolutely adorable, she never says she misses her mom. As a matter of fact, she refuses to call her mom, she flat out says "No!" The real mom insinuates we are alienating her but we are not. We encourage her to call, we do NOT talk negatively about her and we encourage them to keep a relationship. When my BF's daughter asked us in the car, "mommy said you don't like her?" I saw the look on my BF's face and quickly interjected with "we love mommy because she is your mommy and we love you!" I have gone as far as sending the mom birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and Mother's Day gifts all from her daughter as a peace offering or maybe just a way for her to know that we value her position. I have sent her a text telling her I was not trying to take her place and that if I could be of any help I would. She told her therapist I was harassing her and then later on apologized to me. Since then, I refuse to have any contact with her as she construed my text so badly it was ridiculous. However, I still take care of her daughter. In addition, when my BF was sharing custody, the EX was giving the baby a pacifier up until the she of four and refused to potty train her. I asked my boyfriend if I could take a shot at potty training her and in four days she was FULLY potty trained!!! She was ready but needed reassurance and positive reinforcement, along with bribes lol. We were all so excited but when the EX got her back she put a diaper back in her saying that her house had different rules and in her house and while they were out and about, they were going to use diapers! Everyday I dress her, bathe her, feed her,read to her, help her with homework, take her to the dentist and the Dr.'s. I taught her how to read, write, tell time and count. I have put my career on hold so that I can be the positive full time parent she needs. She has made me promise (pinky promise as we call it) several times that I will never leave her. I am by all accounts "mom" I have never once told her to call me mom but she does and now it's mommy mama and mom.
Now the real mom is telling the attorneys that we are forcing her daughter (who is now 5) to call me mom and we are trying to keep the daughter away. The real mom still hasn't received the court ordered help she needs to get better, still harasses us everyday with emails (we do not respond) and now says we are alienating her daughter from her.
Is anyone else in this situation??? I love my boyfriend, I love his daughter but this woman scares me. We can not afford another court battle as it took 3 years to finalize the divorce and she just tried to appeal the decision. We lost the house, cars and all savings fighting her. We have no idea what to do.
Please tell me someone out there has gone through this!!

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Rachel - posted on 10/05/2013

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Ok well this is at least what I would like to say to her:

It is even pointless for me to try and defend my position in Ashley's life as Erika can not even comprehend the fact, SHE is the one that, by choice, handed Ashley over.

What I really would like to say to her is this:

I have two children, I did NOT ask for anymore! However, God has different plans for each of us and who am I to mess with God? It is obvious you were only intended to be the egg donor. This is not an assumption it is a reality. If you wanted to be a mom, you have every opportunity to do so, yet you don't. You admitted to delaying your IME because you just didn't want to do it. You stopped receiving the help you needed because you believed they were out to get you too. You refuse to pay for a supervisor, yet you dine out every night and enjoy your health food shopping with friends. It is very clear dear, you haven't missed a meal, yet you haven't missed your daughter enough to dish out $50 to see her. You make unrealistic promises to a child who is so eager to have you in her life, only to leave her disappointed upon your scheduled visits. You clearly can't stop your festering anger enough to enjoy the visits you do have with Ashley, and argue with your mother in front of your child. This only leaves Ashley with sense of insecurity and anger, leading to her resentment towards you. You promise to pick her up and take her to Denny's and party pizza yet flat out refused to drive the 9 miles to the police station because you can't afford the gas? You again, left her disappointed and I AM the woman that had to pinky promise her, everything will be ok. I am the one that wiped your daughters tears away that day because YOU can't follow instructions. You are the only one that controls your actions, not us. YOU alone gave your daughter to me, no one else. If for one second you don't think you "gave her away" step back and reflect on your own words. "It will be a break until the universe gets better." YOU said that, not us.
So thank you Erika, thank you for giving us Ashley because I can tell you right now, I do not ever want or need a break from her nor a break from the children I brought into this world. My universe is what I make of it and my universe now (thanks to you) consists of three children.
Last but not least, from the mouth of your daughter, thank you for having her as I didn't want to get fat!!!
Respectfully,
Your daughters mom!

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