Re: 23 year old Rebellious daughter

Rose - posted on 01/12/2015 ( 19 moms have responded )

4

0

2

My daughter came home at Christmas time and announced she is getting married. I do like the guy she plans to marry. I just do not like the way our conversations all end up. It's her way or the highway.
We are from a larger community 100,000 people and have high expectations for her. She has attended school for 4 years, received a bachelors degree and now wants to live on a farm 40 miles away from a city of about 20,000 people. That is her choice.
But the problem my husband and I are having is she insists on having the wedding date in a small town or about 150 and it is 5 miles from her soon to be inlaws and 5 1/2 hour drive from us - her parents.
She disagrees about the locations, I would like it to be in the middle for both of us. She won't consider changing the date to one week earlier - her only brother-in-law has a conflict.
To us this is very degrading.
The accommodations are sketchy. Catering seems like the only option for food.
She always says if you don't like what we want to do then, I will pay for it myself.
I told her to move up a week and move it to halfway between each of our places.
What should I/we do?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Trisha - posted on 01/12/2015

551

0

13

I still have resentment for my mother trying to run my wedding of my first marriage. If you want to have a good relationship with your daughter, focus on what she wants for her wedding.
I resent my mother still, and ended up not even inviting my family for my second marriage.
To have a good relationship with her, you need to support her in what she wants. I don't want to be hurtful, but the reason she could be making it more convenient for her in-laws is probably because she already has a better relationship with them, or because she doesn't want to live up to your expectations.
The way you support her in this will make an impact on the relationship with her forever, and the way she will include you in other important dates (like the birth of your grandchildren etc).
I wish you the best of luck in this. This day is a day she will always remember. You could make it a positive memory for her, or have her cry over it every time she thinks back to it, with regret.

Tanya - posted on 01/12/2015

287

0

27

Hey Rose!

I agree with you somewhat and with the others as well... Actually I totally get where you are coming from my daughter is only 20 months old but I would feel exactly like you feel if she chose to do what your child is doing. The reason I would feel that way is because I have dedicated and will continue to dedicate myself to her...I can see you are very proud of her and you put a lot of effort, money and time into raising her. I believe that you do like the guy she's marrying and I think people are trying to portray you wrongly... You are entitled to feel the way you feel. Not because you have a social status, or expectations that are expected from you, or simply that you like nicer things that you're a bad mom or bad person. If you like being a soccer mom...be one, if you like being a social lite...be one, if you like being you...be you...be whoever you want to be...

I'm thinking maybe your daughter may have pressure from her husbands side as well...maybe the wedding is stressing her out...there are so many possibilities...

However, it is her wedding... so whatever she decides should go...and you're her mother so have to support her.

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2015

10,637

0

26

It is her wedding. I suppose to keep the peace it is best to let her plan the wedding she wants. You do not have to pay for it unless you want too. Why do you think she is choosing to do this? Is it her dream to have a country wedding or is her fiance dictating the terms? I think having the wedding in the middle or even in your area is reasonable as out of town guests will be able to find accommodations much more easily in a larger community.

19 Comments

View replies by

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/14/2015

21,273

9

3058

And if her brother in law cannot make it, so be it. She should not have to plan her wedding around other peoples schedules.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/14/2015

21,273

9

3058

It is HER wedding. NOT yours. You may have expectations, but keep them to your self. This is HER day marrying HER husband. Get your nose out of it. I don't blame her for wanting it far from you if you are going to try to control everything. They picked the wedding date that they want, you have a lot of nerve asking her to change it for YOUR convenience. I cannot even tell you how difficult you are being over a day that is very special for your daughter. Don't be a monster in law.....or "that" mother. Try supporting her, and offering to help.....not change everything.

[deleted account]

It's her day. Let her have it. On her wedding day - what you want does NOT matter. Are you really trying to make her day about you? "I would like it to be in the middle" "I told her to move up a week and move it to halfway between". Let her get married when she wants and where she wants. You're lucky she doesn't want to go to the Bahamas and get married for crying out loud.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/13/2015

13,264

21

2015

A wedding is nothing about the parents. The wedding day is the bride & groom's day. Their parents had their chances, however many years ago they tied the knot. If they aren't happy with what they did, then THEY can have a renewal of vows and have it exactly the way they want to have it!

An adult child, who is paying their own way in the world should not have to pacify their parents on their personal day.

The OP, in this case is coming across as a very snobby person, if her degreed daughter wants to live on a farm, in a small town, and she's not happy about the quality of arrangements available...and I'm wondering what's wrong with 'catering seems to be the only option'...aren't most high dollar weddings catered? For that matter, in this day and age, isn't a catered event the 'norm', rather than the 'extravagance'?

And to demand not only a venue change but a date change for (it seems) one person, if "her only brother in law" can't make it, seems not just a bit presumptuous, but A LOT presumptuous

Michelle - posted on 01/13/2015

4,687

8

3247

I don't agree that it's about the parents as well as the bride and groom. The parents should be there to support their children, not make all the decisions and do what they want regardless of what the children want to do.
A woman will remember her wedding day for the rest of her life and if she is forced to do things the way someone else wanted instead of what she wanted she will always dwell on it.
The OP is telling her daughter to change venue and date, they aren't little things to be deciding. Instead of just saying the accommodation is sketchy, do some research. The comment about "catering seems like the only option for food" sounds very snobby. What's wrong with catering?

Tanya - posted on 01/13/2015

287

0

27

Omg...half of these woman that are writing it's their second wedding...You learn a lot from the first believe me...if I can do my wedding over I would change a lot...

Rose, feel free to give your daughter her opinion... my husband's father and step mother wanted to organize my entire wedding...I didn't necessary like it but I didn't mind...they said odd things and made odd request, but I rolled with the punches and my weding was wonderful... My husband and I paid our entire wedding... we took their choice of hall and food...my mother in law even had 2 dresses..lol...

People need to calm down...it's about the parents as well...not just the bride and groom...

The parents are proud of their children and it's their moment to shine as well...Come on be realistic...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/13/2015

13,264

21

2015

My mother was 'less than pleased' with my choices as well. 25 years later, we're still very happily married, she's eating her words, and she's apologized for being so overbearing and rudely demanding...of course we didn't give in to her demands...

Trisha - posted on 01/13/2015

551

0

13

We did exactly what Raye did. My husband, step son, and two of our friends who acted as witnesses were there for the wedding that we had in a local park in the city we live it.
It was simple, lacked stress and intimate. It was a wonderful wedding. Much better than my first. Everyone got over it eventually. :)

Raye - posted on 01/13/2015

3,761

0

21

It's her day, let her have it how she wants. Her happiness should be your main concern.

My husband and I had a private wedding ceremony with just us and his two kids because his mother is VERY controlling and would have turned it into a grand affair regardless of our wishes. He chose not to invite his mother/family, and I didn't invite mine in order to be fair. We wanted to have a small, casual, family dinner afterward to celebrate, and she turned it into a huge formal party. She wanted me to wear my wedding dress again so everyone could see us all dressed up, and I said no. We didn't want the pageantry of a large wedding, which is why we didn't invite anyone, so why would we want to do all the pageantry at a later date? She didn't understand, because she's too self-absorbed. To us, his mother's behavior was "degrading", because she didn't respect our wishes.

Get off your high-horse and enjoy your daughter's wedding.

Trisha - posted on 01/13/2015

551

0

13

Another thought on this is: your family Could be a bit better off than his family. It could be that she knows that your family would be able to afford the travel/accommodations, when his family might not even be able to afford the accommodations.

Meagan - posted on 01/13/2015

43

0

5

Does ur daughters happiness not mean anything to u? My husband and i had the same priblem with his mother. She and the rest of his family, extended family included did not attend our wedding, by their choice. All coz we wanted small and intimate and 6 hours away from the noisy city. Its been few months since we hav been married, she has not contacted us or my husband. He now wants nothing to do with his family. Our son does not even knw of her exsistance, again by her choice. Her flesh and blood she hurts and rejects due to stupid wedding arrangements. Do u wants a beautiful wedding for ur daughter or a beautiful marriage??

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/13/2015

13,264

21

2015

No one is portraying anything, here, Tanya, we're taking her post as written.

Sarah - posted on 01/12/2015

10,637

0

26

Supporting her choices does not mean you have to be thrilled about them, nor do you have to pay for the wedding.

Michelle - posted on 01/12/2015

4,687

8

3247

I agree with the other ladies, it's her wedding and she should be able to have the wedding she wants.
My 1st wedding was in another country and all my immediate family came to that! It wasn't a holiday destination wedding either but it's what I wanted since that's where I was living at the time.
I also get the feeling that you don't approve of the life she is choosing for herself. Why is it wrong of her to fall in love with a farmer? Without farmers you wouldn't be able to buy the food you eat.
What should you do? Either accept her decisions on how she wants to spend her special day or don't go and make sure she resents you for a very, very long time.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/12/2015

13,264

21

2015

Its HER day, not yours. She's already stated that if you don't want to pay for things, you don't have to!

My question is this: Do you not approve of her choices because she's "lowering" herself, in your opinion? Because if you "like the guy", as you say...shouldn't your main worry be her happiness on her day? Weddings, as you may know, are not mandatory events. She could just as easily stand up before a JP, and do the legal side with only two witnesses.

I'm getting a strong sense of "she's not living up to what we raised her to be: A debutante, a society 'go getter'..." The main clue: "We are from a larger community 100,000 people and have high expectations for her. She has attended school for 4 years, received a bachelors degree and now wants to live on a farm 40 miles away from a city of about 20,000 people. That is her choice" This tells me that you're not REALLY happy with her choices...

Small town weddings are much nicer, IMO, than ones where the parents have double mortgaged themselves to shell out $20K for one day.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms