re: providing clothes for my ex on his days

Julie - posted on 07/07/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

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hello!
i was wondering, is it my responsibiliity to pack the kids some clothes and items they need (i'd obviously pack their special blankies etc) for their four nights they go with their dad? Is it my responsibility as a primary caregiver but with shared custody with kids that I make sure they have all clothes etc and provide something when he needs it? Or is it his responsibility for him to have clothes etc for them while they are in his care. He says i have to provide everything like clothes, any medicines, shoes (extras to keep at his house?)
i always have seent kids go off to their days in th epast with little suitcases, but is it really necessary and do i have to? Not trying to be a cow as i always do sent stuff anyways...but it doesn't always get returned and i find it costs me more money if something breaks there and i then have to replace him with a new thing (like sunglasses that broke at his house that he won't replace and says i have to)
Thanks!

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/08/2012

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I would expect him to have cloths for them. If it was just an occasional over night, I would provide it, but for four days? He really needs a supply of things.

Betty - posted on 12/11/2014

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Is he paying child support? If yes, that money goes towards things for the kids, so technically their clothes, toys, etc. belong to both of you.

Stop being selfish and think of the kids. Make sure they are prepared every time they go to their dad's house. You can bicker and complain, but then the kids will be stuck in the middle at their dad's, woefully underpacked.

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Rae - posted on 06/04/2015

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My ex acting like a jerk just yesterday cause I didn't send clothes for her 2 week stay. He fought for this custody AFTER being absent just to spite me and use my fear of losing my children to get back at me for leaving him. So he got visitation which means when she is with him she is HIS responsibility. Sure we could Co parent but he doesn't want to. So I sent her with the toys she packed, her cute outfit and hair done and THATS IT!!! His new wife went on fb and tried to talk trash but ended up making hereof look bad when she stated "you shouldn't send your child to someone else's house with no clothes. You shouldn't depend on them to have it" which she doesn't realize says that I can't depend on them to have what she needs. That's gonna look beautiful in court.

Mommabird - posted on 12/11/2014

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sounds like he is difficult to deal with but my suggestion is to tell him "Im sending enough clothes and shoes for their 4 day stay and you keep them there. I will not send anymore clothing or shoes. If they grow out of them, obviously enough time has gone by and given you plenty of opportunity to buy them 4 days of clothing and shoes to keep at your house at all times. I refuse to be the sole financial supporter on your behalf. Be a father and spend a measly $20 a week and clothe your kids for petes sake"
Sorry, thats what I would say :)

Oh and about visitation exchange....how far does he live from you? Either way....I would tell him to stop being lazy and frugal when it comes to his kids. Meet halfway and share in the spending of gas, or if you drop them off he has to bring them back home.

Ev - posted on 12/11/2014

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Betty,

You do not seem to understand what is going on here. This lady's ex expects her to supply everything the kids need for their time there with him. He is also responsible for having things at his home when they are there. She can not be expected to completely send everything for their needs down to the soap. He should be supplying some clothing for them, some toys and dvds and such for entertainment, and non prescription meds that are of the required ages of the kids. THey are his responsibility too.

Pennie - posted on 07/13/2012

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After reading your posts and some other responses, my feelings are that if he has "shared" custody with you, then it means he has to share in a ll the responsibilities and even the burdens, that go with it. If he is worried about money for clothing for growing children, there are a lot of nice second-hand stores out there that sell quality clothing for lower prices. He is the father, he should need to provide what his children need at his home. It is not too much for you to ask him to have some extra clothes. For him to demand that you supply everything is quite silly. If he were only a babysitter, then I could see it.
I am fortunate enough to not have to go through this. My husband is a wonderful father and will do what is necessary for his kids. I have many friends who are dealing with similar situations as yours, though. I wish you the best of luck, stand your ground and be firm. He helped to make those babies, it is also his job to help raise them.

Carolyn - posted on 07/13/2012

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I have my ex always pick up the kids to start the visit, I then pick them up at the end of their visit. The meeting half way thing didn't work for me.If he doesn't pick the kids up then he doesn't and I am not out the gas money or time.

Carolyn - posted on 07/13/2012

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I did at first when they were little because he didn't, but after awhile he did get them some things.I then only sent him their medication and their blankies, ect. I even had certain clothes I sent them in so as to not loose the more expensive items. But I don't feel I was responsible to supply him with everything,I just did to make sure they were comfy there. Mine never expected me to supply things. But as a general rule in most parenting plans the parent whom the child is residing is responsible for their needs while in their care. Just because you are the primary custodial parent doesn't mean you supply him with everything for while they are there.He needs to take some responsibility to see that their needs are meet, and have things for them there in his home.my opinion anyway

Julie - posted on 07/08/2012

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thanks so much....I'm finding right now, he is bringing or sending most things back, but i'm noticing the odd thing not coming back. I think i will keep sending things and what i have done recently is sent him a list of all the things that were sent and asked for them to be returned with the kids and their backpacks. As for the issue of money? i don't think he cares if i have or don't have money quite frankly..I am trying so hard not to let emotion in the way and i have some really good friends who help me keep the emotion out of texting and emailing him. My kids are 4.5 and 3 so they can not pack their own stuff yet.
In regards to the sunglasses? I know ridiculous as it is! I asked about them and asked how they broke and if he could replace them. He just said they broke the second they came out of our sons pack. ..and when i asked him again to replace them and that they broke there, he only said it was "debateable" that they broke at his house as they supposedly broke the second the kids got there. With that, i just bought a new pair, i just made sure my kids were given hats to keep at his house....as i know he won't buy them hats...unless i supply them. and because i want to make sure they always have a hat there in this weather i told him to keep them. It's more for them than for him.
I think with him, everything was just done for him if he left it long enough...i think before we were married and during for sure....I think he is very surprised that i stood my ground this weekend and told him to meet me at the skytrain thinking if he said no i would just take them to his house....i waited at the skytrain, and came home..with the kids..i'm glad i never told the kids their dad was meeting them there or they woulda been really sad...i think he thought i would just cave in. Then last night, when he called the kids and found out we were going ot the beach today he said it was closer to drive to his house and i should drive them there....NOT THE POINT! we have no agreement that i drop off every time its his weekend...i have just decided to finally put my food down...He said he didn't have the 2.25 in an email after for the skytrain..yet he's going to vegas...Then, he called me a cunt, told me i was a horrilbe person, mother and even worse wife....and hung up on me.....I'm so tired of this.....

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2012

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He would be paying less child support if doing shared care.

I have read you othere posts and my advice would be to stand your ground. He sounds like a spoilt brat that is used to getting his own way. He has to step up and make some adult decisions and think about his children first, not what he wants. Some people take a lot longer than others to grow up and figure out that when we are parents we have to put aside our wants for the sake of our children.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2012

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Julie, how old are the kids? I found that as my son got older, I made him responsible for packing his bags when he came home and ensuring he kept track of all his clothes and brought them home. I know how frustrated you feel - my ex used to be the same, and he wasn't even paying child support, so how he thought it was my responsibility I don't know. There is no accounting for their thinking sometimes. I couldn't afford it either.

Is there any way you can discuss with him that if you pack the appropriate clothes for their trip to his house, that he accept that YOU can't afford it either, and you would appreciate if he could pack the clothes to come home rather than keep them there? That way, no-one is paying for clothes in a second house. After all, there is no absolute need for him to have clothes at his house if he can be responsible enough to make sure they come home. Or is he likely just to keep them, even if you have that discussion with him.

With regard to things like the sunglasses, how did they break? Did they break in a way that they could have broken at home, or did they break because dad wasn't responsible with them?

Anyway, I know these aren't ideal solutions, but I understand you wanting to try and keep the peace too, so while it may not be what is the right thing, the above suggestions are made with that in mind :)

Julie - posted on 07/08/2012

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thanks so much for your comments! He does have clothes at their house that i gave him back in november when he first moved out from our stock when we were in the house together. But now the kids are growing out of everything and the seasons are changing so he still seems to think i need to provide them with newer stuff. He said he didn't have any sweaters for our son, when i told him he should have a couple at his house he said he didn't have the money and it was my responsibility....I have no problem providing a couple extra things and packign a couple days worth of stuff plus sending their special blankets etc..but i can't afford to buy, nor do i think i should have to buy two houses worth of stuff......I have no problem sending them in the shoes they go in but starting to provide extras if the weather changes etc is a bit much...i think he should have extras there so i don't have to keep packing it all. How do i do this without causing a fight? We are already fighting cause he wouldn't meet me halfway to pick up the kids, and then as a result the kids didn't get to be with their dad this weekend. I normally drop off if you have seen my other posting but am tired of catering to him..So instead he just didn't show at the skytrain station when i said i would be there yesterday.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2012

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My son leaves my house in the clothes he was wearing that day and comes home in the same clothes everything he needs is at his dads. I do send his prescription meds to their place and sometimes my son will take his ipod or his ds with him but they always come home, he is 11 so I hold him responsible for these items

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2012

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I've always had clothes here for my step children. Not always shoes though, but they tend to bring their shoes. Medicine? Only if it is prescription medicine.

With my son, his dad has nothing. He has to pack his clothes from here, but they come back.

Personally, I think your ex should have clothes, maybe a pair of shoes, and any non-prescription medicines. This is at minimum.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2012

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I have done shared care for 7 years now and I don't send all the clothes they will need. He has clothes at his place and I have clothes at mine.

I think it's only fair that if something breaks at his house he should replace it though. Why should you always have to?

Louise - posted on 07/08/2012

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I think I would pack them off with clothes and special teddy etc but toys and extra stuff is up to him to provide. He should have standard child medicine at his house and toys and DVDs and stuff to amuse the kids. It is not for you to provide.

If he wishes to provide the kids with clothes that only stay at his house fine, but he should not expect you to pay for him to look after the kids. What will he want next a food parcel!

Corinne - posted on 07/08/2012

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Hhhhmmm, you have to provide stuff for him to keep at his house for his kids? I'm sorry, I think he's being selfish, they're his kids right? Why wouldn't he have stuff for them? I understand, you probably have more stuff if they're mostly with you, but to insist that you replace things that have broken? He's just being difficult for the sake of it.

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