really its now my fault

Medic - posted on 12/11/2011 ( 36 moms have responded )

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OH MY GOD!!!!! ok now that I have that out of my system, I seriously think I am losing my mind. I mean I never thought I was all powerful but apparently I am.
My ex is the bio father of my son who is now 5 years. He left when he was 2 months old for another party to get fucked up so I changed the locks and threw his shit out. I let him have one of my cars just so he would leave. He saw my son every so often, his parents and 4 brothers saw him all the time.
My divorce was finalized right after my son turned a year and my ex was granted very limited supervised visits. His mom was the one I chose to supervise them and she was fantastic. Sadly his bio dad chose to not show up and party instead. My ex's mom continued to take my son on the visit dates and any other dates I needed help with. She made sure I had money to get my son whatever he needed because my ex refused to pay child support.
When my son was 18 months I remarried an amazing man I had known for a while but who had been in our lives since my son was 6 months old. Ultimately my ex decided to sign his rights over when my son was about 3.5 because he did not want to pay child support. My husband wanted to adopt him and the courts granted all this right after my son turned 4 and our daughter turned 1.
My ex was ordered to pay the 10,000 in back child support and was told that it would be taken out of his tax return or checks until it had been paid.
Well he has been with his gf for a few years now and they have a baby that just turned one. Granted they live in the slums and I seriously feel sorry for that child but hey its not mine. She hates my son and hates that I have rules for his bio dad to see him(which he doesn't so it really does not matter)
Ok to my point, his bio dad called the other day to yell because his family has been seeing my son regularly and they include my daughter in everything. He is mad because they do not tell him anything. My feeling is that I have told him if he wanted a relationship with him he can call, I have NEVER told him he could not talk to my son, I also do not put up with his pity party. It is not my fault or my sons fault that he cannot stay out of jail and off drugs. Good for him that he found a girl that has such low self worth that she puts up with it. He says he will call every Tuesday, never has, when he does call he just crys about his situation and how it isn't fair that the state took his and his gf's tax return to give to us because we don't need it. I honestly do not feel bad and I do not feel bad for his girl, she knew he had a son he was only allowed to have supervised visits with, and that he owed child support. She chose to file joint taxes. Granted she does drive my old car and it drives her nuts that everyone knows that it was mine and my ex only got it in the divorce because he had wrecked the first car I let him have and my now husband and dad had bought me a new suv. He likes to tell me all of this is my fault and that if I would have helped him more he wouldn't be having all this trouble and his family would want to see him and his gf and their daughter. I don't blame his family, all they do is ask for money and use that baby to try and get what they want. My son is the only grandchild that they have not had to totally support.
I guess am I wrong for just not caring anymore, I don't hate him, I'm not mad but it is HIS job to have a relationship with my son. He chose to give up his rights and there was someone there to step up.
I dunno I know this is crazy long and all over the place.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jane - posted on 12/11/2011

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"He likes to tell me all of this is my fault and that if I would have helped him more he wouldn't be having all this trouble"

And you believe him?! None of this is your fault, and I think you know it. Too bad your ex has never grown up. I hope he will before he wastes his time not bothering to raise and enjoy his daughter. Sounds as if his current gf isn't very mature either.

Technically, if he gave up his rights, and the child you had with him has been adopted by your current husband, you don't need to let him see the child at all. It is nice of you to still let him have the option of seeing the child he made but hasn't fathered.

You aren't wrong for not caring. He isn't your husband any longer. You are not his next of kin nor are you his parent. He isn't your responsibility. Let him sink to whatever level he wants to sink and leave his problems with his parents with him as his business, not yours.

Good luck, and enjoy your husband and children.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/13/2011

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Dude, i would be changing my telephone number so that blubbering baby would not be able to call any more. He surrendered his parental rights, so he needs to walk away.

I think it is awesome that your ex inlaws still want to be a part of your sons life, and it sounds like they are an awesome support for you. Good for them! Really, i cannot say how fantastic that is. I am sure if you change your number, and you tell them not to give it to their son, they will comply.

Jane - posted on 12/11/2011

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If they aren't taking proper care of the baby you might consider calling it in to CPS, or having someone who is also aware of the problems do it so you can honestly say you did not call them. It isn't right for a baby to be left unattended in a high chair, whether the lights are on or not.

Roberta - posted on 12/13/2011

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Sweetie, why on earth would you hesitate to keep your son away from such a destructive influence as his biological father? Your son is effectively "adopted" by his step father, so has no right (and certainly has shown no interest) in being a father. Get over it and stop pandering to the past. I don't mean to be unkind, but if you cannot be content with the family that you have chosen (your husband and daughter) and protect your son from your past your son will question his place in your family. He's young now, and you will be the one who determines how he thinks of himself in the future regarding his parentage and how he will relate to the influences you are allowing in his life. I hope you will consider cutting ties completely and letting this little guy have a normal loving family life, in your home.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 12/16/2011

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You know what I've found works like a charm sometimes? I'll tell you my story.

I was working a minamum wage job, living with my parents and going to college. I needed my teeth fixed which cost me 5,000$

While I was at work one day, a guy approached me. He was one of the regulars and a nice enough guy, but he was trying to get me to feel bad and donate to some cause. He kept going on and on about other peoples problems. I couldn't take it, so I just started talking about mine.

Telling him about the expensive root canal I was saving up for. The stressful college classes, one of which I was barely managing to pass. Having to live with my parents at 23. Blah blah blah.

He finally went 'I'm so sorry' and left.

Maybe you can try that on your ex. Even if it's made up shit haha
Just go on and on and run his pity party over with yours.

36 Comments

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√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 12/16/2011

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Don't let it get to you hun. I know it's hard when dealing with a POS ex but umm.. if it gets worse, you probably already know that you have rights against him harassing you. Feel free to use them. Make him call the counselor or court (not sure how it works?) like a mediator is what I'm thinking. That way you don't have to hear from him if it gets bad. Glad you found a new better guy! Vent to me anytime you want :)

Dannielle - posted on 12/16/2011

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Your story was very easy to understand. I would do just the same. People push and push and always expect the pity party. They cant handle when reality hits. You're not wrong, you're just living your life and doing the best you can in a bad situation.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 12/16/2011

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I'm going to read this later. I just saw this and wanted to read but don't have time. MD :)
Will get back to you

Amanda - posted on 12/16/2011

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Good for you Medic for getting out when you did!!! I am so glad to hear for your sake and your sons that you did not stick around and let him pull the two of you down with him. I think it is wonderful that his family keeps in touch and has a relationship with you guys also. His troubles and problems are his own, it is just easier for him to put it off on someone else rather then taking responsibility for his own actions and choices. I think you did the best thing you could have for you son in that situation. I feel for his new baby though. They honestly leave the child in a high chair in the dark so they can sleep??? I would have to call or ask someone to call about that. That is not right and is unexcusable! I am thankful it is not your son, but that poor baby does not deserve that either. Please keep your head up and have faith in yourself. You are doing the right thing. From one mother to another, I am proud of you for thinking of your son first!!! Congratulations to you for being a strong woman and good mother!

Medic - posted on 12/15/2011

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Iridescent- That reference does make sense. I guess I like phone calls because my son will only talk to anyone on speaker phone so I can hear everything. He usually only talks to his BF for two min before he tells him " I am just too tired to talk" then promptly hangs up on him. I never make him talk to him I always ask if he wants to talk to him. I think he does but when BF does not know what to ask him that is relevent to his life my son gets irritated.

Iridescent - posted on 12/15/2011

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You are right. You've done all you can and then some. That feeling - it's called Apathy towards them, and that's fine. There is nothing wrong with that.

He sounds like one of those people that will always find someone to blame for whatever situation they are in. There are lots of them out there! I just finished reading Stephen King's 11/23/63 - Lee Harvey Oswald was one, if that reference means anything to you. The best thing you did was get away from him and his poisonous personality, and I'd discourage phone calls from this point forward, but keep contact with the rest of the family like you have. Communication can be in writing (letters, email) and monitored, perhaps. It might be more appropriate now that your son is getting older anyway.

Medic - posted on 12/14/2011

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I love my ex inlaws and to most people I just introduce them as my inlaws...and my brother inlaws as my brothers. My ex MIL still cooks us christmas and thanksgiving dinners to take home with us because hers is the best. @Christina- as much as it sucks I am glad we can relate to eachother. I do get a lot of flack from people that don't understand but my sons uncles and grandparents didn't do anything wrong, and I do not want my son to one day ask why I kept him away. @ Valerie- isn't it fun to just have a bigger extended family. It kind of works out because we do not have anything to do with my husbands family because they are nuts.

Valerie - posted on 12/14/2011

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I agree with Christina too! The ex in-laws, if decent people, should have to pay the price for the idiot parent! My ex's mom is still a part of my girls and my life, as is my ex brother-in-law, his wife, and their son.. they are all respectable people unlike their dad, and we actually all even have holidays together sometimes (without the dad). Just thought I would add that too! :)

Michelle - posted on 12/14/2011

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sounds like you are doing an awesom job - try not to spend too much time or energy on this.

Christina - posted on 12/14/2011

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"...I guess I am just tired of keeping it all to myself....I know there is someone somewhere that has been through this." LOL Are you kidding? When I started reading this, I thought you were writing about my life! I'm also particularly happy to hear of another mom that has worked to keep the EX In-laws involved in their child's life. I see and hear way too many times of the grandparents being left behind just because the bio parent can't stay involved.
KUDO's on how you've handled this. NO you’re not at fault if he can't grow up and take responsibility for himself before he made little ones that he is not prepared to take care of... You’re doing a fabulous job with yours. Don't even let him have your time of day! After all, he gave up his rights just to try to take the easy way out.

Jodie - posted on 12/14/2011

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You are totally in your rights hun. If he doesn't want to bother and is taking drugs, that's his problem and if his girlfriend wants to stick around, that's her problem. You sound like you've got a very good life with your husband and two children. If you don't really need your ex's money, even if it's nice to have the extra, I would just send it back or have the payment stopped. Not to help him, but to get him right out of your lives. Sounds like your son is better off without him and has a very good dad in your husband. My son's bio never wanted to know and pretty much dumped me before I found out I was pregnant. I was a single mum until my son was about 20mths and my husband is an amazing husband and father to my son and our daughter. If the CSA ever forced the bio to pay, even though we are struggling, I would send it straight back. My son knows he has two fathers but I've told him the truth, that his bio wants nothing to do with him but its not his fault. If he ever wants to meet his bio, and I hope he never does, it's his bio who has to explain why he didn't want to know. His bio's family don't bother either but my son has my husband's family, my family, our school family and church family so he doesn't need his bio or bio's family. Good luck hun!!!

Debbie - posted on 12/13/2011

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looks like you dodged a bullet when you left him! Sounds like you are doing a great job. He needs to step up and be a father instead of whingeing about it!

LaLasha - posted on 12/13/2011

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He is a drug addict that isn't working a program so he doesn't even know how to take responicbilty for his own mess. I know how taxing it can be. Don't talk to him I would hope he would have enough class to not say any of this to his son but if you don't think you can trust him to make sure he is talking to you before entering in to his diatribe then just don't answer the phone if you can the just hand the phone to your son when he calls and send the call to voicemail when he calls and your son isn't available.

Medic - posted on 12/13/2011

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I know, I was looking for people who could relate. Most of the communities I am in I know the moms pretty well and they can not really relate. Or they are full of opinions on something they know nothing about. I figured the welcome page would get some moms who could relate.

Megan - posted on 12/13/2011

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depending on what community people vent in depends on the answers ya get. I take my vents to a certain community...its supportive and still blunt but nicely lol :) sounds like you and dh have done it all, congrats on such a great man.! They are hard to find, I lucked out too

Medic - posted on 12/13/2011

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Roberta- I am in no way questioning my family. I am content, this was more of a rant. I do believe that every child should have the chance to know where they came from good, bad or ugly. He knows he is 100% in our family but he also should know that there is more to him and have the chance to make that decision for himself. I cannot impose my views of my ex onto him nor can I stop the hurt that may come from it. He is going to have to work through it and I am here to help him but I cannot do it for him. Had my parents cut ties with my biological parents I would never forgiven them. It is MY right to decide where my bio parents fit into my life and I am grateful I had the chance to come to my own conclusions about them. Yes my parents had to see me cry and my feelings get hurt but it was my journey to make.

Megan - posted on 12/13/2011

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Since he technically signned over his rights he should be lucky you gave him the chance to see your DS!

Medic - posted on 12/13/2011

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and thank you Valerie.....and all the moms that have responded....I am not mad for me but I do hurt for my son.

Medic - posted on 12/13/2011

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Thank you Danielle....I keep telling my husband there are other like us out there....I think he feels kind of alone in all of this.

Valerie - posted on 12/13/2011

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Hello! Just want to let you know you are not alone in this boat.. my twin girls, now 16 and in quite a bit of trouble on their own, have a complete loser dad. He and I were together until they were 10- then he got caught up in drugs, his abusiveness got worse, and I was outta there! Haven't looked back!! Since then he has been to prison twice, once for 2 years, another time for 1 1/2 years.. and in between those stints were many trips to county jails.. he is out at the moment.. I have never received child support, I do it on my own working two jobs. I guess I have lost the anger and animosity I once had, which is a good thing.. Now, he calls maybe once a month or something, and when he does, I try to take that moment to get the kids to him-- as crazy as that may sound, my girls are headed down a destructive path right now doing drugs and bad things, so I take those times I can actually get to drop them off to see what that lifestyle will lead to. He is homeless for the most part.. except for a little trailer without electricity at his friends parents house. His girlfriends are druggies/tweeks, and so is he. He doesn't work, his family doesn't have much to do with him. His life is not good. I am hoping that the light clicks on for my girls and they realize that when they come home, they come home to a nice home that I work very hard for. They ahve nice things, nice clean clothes, food whenever they want it, and things like cable, electricity, internet, etc etc etc... I have given up on the child support stuff for now since his last few years he was in prison and he isn't working anytime in the near future that I can see.. in fact, won't surprise me if he is back in jail soon.. it's been a few months... but hang in there! You are doing good!! It's not your fault! People like that just need someone to blame because they can't admit how wrong they really are! Valerie~~

Danielle - posted on 12/13/2011

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So when I met my husband he had a 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. I loved all of them right away. We moved in together after 8 months and 14 months of dating we got married. The kids only heard from their bio mother when she felt like calling. She would never see them and when she did work we were lucky to get $15 every other week. She would call my husband and tell her how can he help her and that she just needed more time as she was in a bad place. Needless to say in 2004 she pretty much fall off the earth and we didn't hear from her. In 2009 my husband and me had a baby boy and two weeks after his mother passed then next month she found us and was trying to talk to the kids. My husband told her just to forget about this part of her life like she has before. Her response to that was well I want to see my kids if I have to pay for support. So my husband told her to sign papers so I could adpot which took 4 months for her to get bafk to us. Once she signed them I did what needed to be done and as of june this year I am their mother on paper as I have been their mother for the last 7 years. So anyways once everything was done we had a child support meeting as she is $15,000 in the back pay and she was almost going to jail. She started her crap like always and got in my face and I threw it right back at her. Saying she had her chance with the kids and she AND her family decided to walk away. Your at least lucky that his family has a realtionship with him as my husbands ex family hasn't seen the kids since 2000. I can tell you so crazy stories that woman would do so she would get away with not paying. But like you they take her income tax money and goes right to my hubby. You are so right if they need money then they should know not to file joint/married and although its good for you so you get a bigger amount which is great. Sometimes I think because she walked away she blames things on my husband to make herself feel better so don't listen to anything he says to you about how you could help or how its uspetting that his family sees your son. He did this to himself anf his family must know he isn't all good for him but still don't want to shut him out of their lives.

Medic - posted on 12/13/2011

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Allowing him contact is for my son more than for him....I guess I want to give my son the chance to make his own opinions about him. I also see it from the other side of the coin, I was adopted, well totally adopted and I have always known my birth mom. My birth dad has tried and I tried but then I got over that, my bm is one of my best friends now and I totally understand why she gave me up.

Jeanette - posted on 12/13/2011

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Really, you are doing your ex a huge favor to allow visits. Other birth parents don't demand regular visits with children they have given up. Of course most birth parents probably wish they COULD keep their children. Do not feel gulity because a grown man can't lve as a functioning adult.

Tracy - posted on 12/13/2011

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youve gone with your gut instink, and they seems to have served you well, but your gut seems to be telling you that their child needs someone to look out for it. go with it, your instinks seem to be right so far. your ex sound like a waist of space. if anything was to happen you'd never forgive yourself. my son went to a group with a girl who was brain damaged by falling out of her high chair.

Amy - posted on 12/13/2011

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Yes, other people have said it, but you MUST make a report to the proper authorities about that baby girl of theirs. Your son (and now daughter) have had a fighting chance because of YOU--but their daughter doesn't have that. Please make the call to protect her.

And it sounds like you know the truth, and you're headed on to better places. Best of luck!

Amanda - posted on 12/12/2011

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Hey Girl! It sounds like you did the right thing for yourself and your son when you got rid of this loser! Don't think about it another minute!

Lakeisha - posted on 12/12/2011

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He made is bed and now he has to lie in it. Don't jeopardize your marriage and future entertaining him. He no longer has a son legally because he signed over his rights. How nice of them to include your son and daughter in stuff but its his fault he's missing out. You have your life to live and dont allow him to ruin it! Focus on your future and life with your husband and not your past. He made his choice when he signed over his rights!

[deleted account]

You've done everything you possibly can. He is only blaming you because he hasn't got the "balls" to man up and improve his situation. It's so much easier for him to blame others for his own stupid mess of a life.

Medic - posted on 12/11/2011

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I know......It has been discussed, whether they call or not they will not tell me just to keep me out of it which is fine with me.
As far as my son goes I just do not want to be the one that kept him away. If that makes any sense at all.

Medic - posted on 12/11/2011

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I don't believe him...I guess I am just tired of keeping it all to myself....I know there is someone somewhere that has been through this.
No that poor baby gets left in a high chair in the dark because they want to sleep. I feel horrible for her. They finally moved out of my ex inlaws thank god which makes everything easier on them and me because we can just go over to their house now instead of always having to go out somewhere.

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