Refusing to allow child to go with parent for visitation

Michal - posted on 12/29/2013 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I don't feel comfortable allowing my 21 month old to go for her first 2 night visitation with her father. What are my options?

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Ev - posted on 12/30/2013

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You did not answer if it was court ordered. If this is a court order, then you can get into trouble for not allowing him access to his child. Its not about you, mom, its about her chance at a relationship with her father.

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Carmen - posted on 01/02/2014

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we have two kids together the new baby and our son and no they will never go stay with him he is homeless he lives with her at any given time that can end its happened before so many times. but this post isn't about me it's about Michal I was just letting her no that I have been there and some and not blaming her for feeling the way she does.

[deleted account]

Wow. I feel for you girl.
If you have two kids together, where is the other child and do they have to go stay with him? Or is the 2nd child the brand new baby?
How is it that you had his child 6 days ago, when he's had a drug problem for some time, and 3 felons and he has other babies with other women? How is it that you just had another baby of his when he's so messed up?
You have to try to completely put that other girl out of your mind, be strong.
Be REAL careful about the next guy you get involved with. We've all screwed up by being with a jerk but you have to learn to know that you deserve better. (If you KNEW that you deserved better- perhaps you wouldn't have still been having babies when you knew of the drug problem). You need to KNOW and LEARN that you are WORTHY of better. (Sorry for the lecture.)
Do your best, don't let facebook crap make you insane, just try to make the best decisions for your son. I KNOW from experience that decisions can be made out of anger and resentment and hatred. I have done that with my daughter's father when I had to kick him out. They were not the best decisions and I tried to 'get back and him' and hurt him without realizing it.
We need to try to make the best decisions for the child, not with our anger involved.
I know that it's hard not to hate another woman, even if you don't want him back, there can be jealousy. And sometimes it's very hard to see our ex happy!
Do the best you can and don't forget to take care of YOU.
All the best.
I will pray for you.

Carmen - posted on 01/02/2014

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because we have two kids together and when she told me that she had went through a friends facebook account pretending to be a 3rd woman when in reality it was her saying those things. I later found out that it was her because at the time he was trying to be back with me and she got jealous so I don't no I questioned him about it and he said she was lying. But I don't no what to believe he is on and off pcp and she is kind of crazy and will do anything for him. She is currently pregnant and I just had our second child 6 days ago. He also has kids with another woman as well. And his first daughter was molested in his care about 6 years ago so she is not even allowed to go off with him anymore and that is why I don't want my kids around him alone because I don't no what to believe but the pcp part he did do that in front of our son because I am the one who caught him he hasn't seen our son since then. And I am the custodial parent and very fit I am the one with the job and doing every thing I have no drug addiction or no criminal record. He on the other hand is a 3 time felon with a drug addiction who makes babies all over the place and is living with someone he doesn't have his own place, car he has nothing everything belongs to the new woman!

[deleted account]

Carmen- Do you think she's just ttelling you that they are having sex with your son to really mess with your head?
Is there anything that he seriously has on you, that he is claiming that you're unfit or using or anything?
If he doesn't have any serious complaints about you- then I would call the police or go down to the police station (with a friend for more credibility) and tell them about possible child abuse which is taken very seriously and they, and possibly child services might come in and take the child to foster care for the time being.
Let me tell you however, that LOTS of kids get sexually abused in foster care so you REALLY need to decide if they're just messing with you.
Supervised visits are fine, but are you referring to you?
Why are you referring to the kids as 'his kids'?

LalaBoom - posted on 01/02/2014

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If you need to go back to court to have the father allow a simple "check-in" while he is her, then you've got bigger problems that this first court order (trust me, as she grows up, they'll be more court orders).

Typically I'm a huge advocate of parents compromising with a judge to oversee things. However, in your case you don't mention any abuse from father to child, and any issues of addiction on his part.

My advice is this: Make it about your daughter. He has told you he will not allow phone calls. Thats his right. But you can be proactive. When she is over at his house, send him a friendly email/text. For example, if your daughter loves to fall asleep to a particular song or whatever, say something like:

Hey, how are things with xxx. Let me know if you need anything. Just a heads up, xxx will not fall asleep without Dora's theme song.

He will be more willing to keep up contact if you make it child-focused and non-confrontational. Another thing to consider is this: You stated he only gets her for every other weekend and you get her the rest of the time. Do you keep him informed during this time without him having to hassle you to keep him inform? If so, this will have a lot of bearing on how he treats your access to your daughter while under his care.

Hope that helps!

Carmen - posted on 01/02/2014

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My son is not allowed off with his dad he has a drug problem and mean girlfriend who said to me that they have sex with our son at the foot of the bed. I am waiting for him to take me to court to fight for his kids but he hasn't he is so pre occupied with the woman he is currently with and her to kids. and if he does decide to fight to see his kids it will be supervised visitation.

[deleted account]

Your option is you have to do it. Unless it is a danger to the child- that perhaps he is an alcoholic or has mental health issues. Your situation was never explained.
Are you on good terms with him? Are you just nervous?
It is nerve-wracking because when the kids are that young we are practically joined at the hip to them. They are our focus.
Unless there are no worries about the father, you have to bite the bullet, keep busy, have bubble baths, do for you the things that you don't normally do because you are generally too busy as a mom. Buy yourself flowers.
When it started that I had to leave my daughter for 1 or 2 overnights I would clean the house like mad and when she got home I'd be grateful and happy b/c my house was spotless.
When my exhusband's mental health deteriorated (severe depression) I simply refused access and told him I'd call the police, that he was not presently fit for that weekend.
Take care of YOURSELF for those 2 days.
It's tough.

Amy - posted on 01/01/2014

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If you want him to call and check in with you when your daughter is with him than you need to go back to court, usually this can be done in mediation and update the parenting plan. However if you do that expect that he will want the same courtesy. Are you prepared to call him daily and let him know what/where you are with your daughter?

Krystal - posted on 12/31/2013

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i would have a hard time also. you have all rights to call and know were your daughter is! if he isnt allowing that i wouldnt let her go. and she isnt used to being away so long

Kellie - posted on 12/31/2013

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You really don't have any options. When I was going through my divorce in 1997, I had sole legal custody of my then 2 year old and 4 year old daughters. He only wanted Sundays from 9-5 and Wednesday evenings from 4-7. Never had that to worry about but I wouldn't ave been happy If I was required to send my kids with Him because of his drug and alcohol habit. I feel you there. Hang tough.

Michal - posted on 12/30/2013

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Thank you lucky. This has been a nightmare. I will see how this first weekend goes. If I have any feelings of uncertainty I will take the next step.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2013

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Lucky--I have to disagree with that statement where you said people stress about not following orders. The thing is the orders are there for a reason. The judge has determined or the parents have worked out something that is in the best interest of the child. And if one parent does not abide the orders or agreements, they are in contempt of court orders. I think that maybe if they want changes to these things they need to make them. I understand not wanting to let a little one go with the father, but how else is he to establish his relationship with the child and learn to care for a child if he is not given the chance to?

LuCkY - posted on 12/30/2013

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Go back to court and try and fix it. If u feel weird as a mother letting him take her at night go try and fix the order. I totally understand. Ppl on here are always going to keep stressing if u dont follow court orders ur going to get in trouble w.ew.e just do what u feel is write no one is in it situation but u.

Michal - posted on 12/30/2013

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I know he will make adjusting the agreement a nightmare. What does making this simple adjustment entail? Donwe have to go back to court?

Ev - posted on 12/30/2013

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Then you need to get that adjusted that way both of you are responsible for letting the other parent know where the child is and how they are doing. You would want to know in case of an emergency and the child got taken to the hospital. Case and point, my son had a side ache that bugged him after hiking the weekend with his dad and the step family. Eventually a couple days passed and he still had that ache. Instead of not checking it out his dad took him to ER (in our custody agreement we are to keep each other up to date on all aspects of the kids' goings on). He did call and told me they were checking for appendix and he would call me. I had other plans I made and also was keeping a niece for the night; I changed those plans and let my sister know so that she could get my niece from our folks and went to the hospital anyway. I was there for pretty much the whole thing. He did have his appendix out and I stayed the night with him. In that case, you would want to know if your child had a major incident medically. And if he did not call or answered your calls, you would never know.

Michal - posted on 12/30/2013

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I have to review the agreement this evening. I'm nervous to say, I don think it is.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2013

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Is it in the parenting agreement that he let you call to check in on your daughter and know where she is and a phone number to contact him? Because you have the right to know where she is and how she is.

Michal - posted on 12/30/2013

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Thank you for responding Evelyn. This has been a very hard year. My daughter and I have never been apart and I was hoping to slowly transition into two overnights. He would not agree to that. He also told me he will not be letting me know where he is taking her, what time on Sunday he will bring her home and that he will not answer my call to touch base and check in on our daughter.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2013

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You still can not deny him seeing her since its in the parenting agreement. Its his loss that he does not see her more often than he is supposed to get to. But in a lot of places overnights are given for kids under 2 years of age unless there is breast feeding, medical issues or such involved and have been taken into consideration.

Michal - posted on 12/30/2013

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Yes it is in our parenting agreement. Trust me, I know it's not about me. However my daughter is not even two and this man goes weeks without seeing his child.

Michal - posted on 12/30/2013

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He is to have her every other weekend. We seperated this past summer. Since then he will go weeks without seeing her.

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