Tiffany - posted on 05/02/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )
This is probably going to be the looongest story in the history of circle of moms, but I appreciate you reading, and desperately need to know what others would do in this situation.
In 2010, I started working for a financial company and met Steve at work. Our new hire class would constantly go out for drinks after work, and just do fun things together. Steve was engaged to be married the following May. Steve and I hung out a ton, got to know each other, and ended up making out one evening after (a few) drinks. It was harmless at the time, I knew I had feelings for him, and he did for me. I remember begging him not to get married to his fiance because I just knew him and I could be happier together. I eventually met Alice, Steve's fiance. I freaking loved hanging out with her, we soon befriended each other, and became really close. Alice doesn't know about the make-out. Later that summer, I started dating Evan. I had known Evan for about 2 years at that point, nothing more than just a friendly relationship. Dating each other was brief, I knew he didn't want anything serious, so I called it off with him and took a job offer in FL. I moved away, and figured that was the end of things. Steve and Alice were happily married, and I couldn't have been happier for them!
Fast forward to November 2011, Evan and I run into each other when I had come home to visit family, and we ended up having a long distance relationship, him in Ohio, me in Florida. We would FaceTime every night before bed, we had great communication, but lack of seeing each other often. We scheduled a weekend trip to Savannah, GA where we had the BEST mini vacation ever. We hung out, did a ton of sightseeing, went out at night, and really kicked things off. Fast forward to a month later, and I find out I'm pregnant with my first child. Long story short here, I moved back to Ohio, got an apartment with Evan, and had a baby soonafter. Things were great, for a long time, with the exception of our sex life. I had a c-section with our son, and just simply stated, didn't want to have intercourse anymore at that time because of the pain I was dealing with in that area. Evan would be so upset some evenings because he felt like I had changed or I was cheating on him because of my lack of intimacy in our relationship. I was abused as a child, and I told him about when he pressures me to feel obligated about those things, that it reminds me of things that happened when I was younger. Obviously I don't want to be reminded of that, but for some odd reason, he just kept bringing this up week after week. I then started to build up a ton of resentment for him making me feel this way about myself. (which I'll talk more about later)
Meanwhile, Steve, Alice, Evan and I would double date, we referred to them as "Uncle and Aunt" to Nathan, life was awesome. Alice had come to me and told me she cheated on Steve and was in love with someone else in January, which is when I advised her to try and work things out because I knew how heartbroken Steve was about to be. She unfortunately had moved on with her feelings, and moved out of the house they shared. Evan and I bought a house in March 2013, got engaged in May, and started planning for a wedding. Steve and Evan became very close friends, Steve even had attended our family vacation that summer. At this point I didn't have those feelings for Steve any longer, because I was legitimately ecstatic to be marrying my best friend. Fast forward again to January 2014, and Evan and I started fighting like cats and dogs. We were both so busy, I was converting to become Catholic, he was in school, we now had a mortgage, juggling a babysitter, one year old, full time work for both of us on top of these things was very tough.
This is where things are tough... I went to dinner with Steve one evening when Evan was out of town for a ski trip he had went on. We had a few drinks, and I tried to make-out with Steve again. I don't know what sparked this. I was unhappy with my relationship, fighting all the time, and those feelings that I once had for him were starting to come back, except this time roles were reversed. I was the one with the ring on my finger, planning a May wedding. Steve pushed me away, knowing he was now good friends with Evan, he was going to be in our wedding.. he said he didn't want to be "that guy." I cried that night---- a lot.
Evan returned home, I called off our wedding and said I wasn't happy. The intimacy in our lives were so messed up, I had been basically forcing myself to have intercourse with Evan for the past year (ever since Nathan was 2 months old), and it was never good enough. Steve and I started talking and hanging out more and more, we had the discussion about how our lives would be together, and Evan found out. He had synced my iPhone with his iPod and had access to every single text message I had sent or received. Evan and I talked about it, I felt terrible, I told him how I felt the resentment about our intimacy issues, and couldn't comprehend how he placed our sex life on such a high pedistal. He asked that I stop talking to Steve, which I did, I told him not to call, text, or email me anymore. I deleted him as a friend on FB, and cut off all communication with him. I still work for that financial company, and would randomly run into Steve here and there, but we didn't talk. This went on for about a month or so. I put in 100% into my relationship with Evan. Absolutely positively, tried everything to make things right for the sake of our son and this Catholic conversion I was going through, and because I simply wanted to do the right thing.
Evan, because of me talking to Steve behind his back started basically stalking every move I made. He looked at my texts, emails, accessed my find my iPhone locator service, and constantly questioned me. I knew I deserved it.. I mean, I did go behind his back and talked to our friend. So I dealt with it, complied, and was open with what I was doing. Things were great... for about a week. It eventually became an issue again where we would constantly be up at night talking about our problems, not making any changes, and going to bed frustrated because I didn't want to be intimate. I know men have something inside their bodies that requires the physical intimacy in a relationship, and the way Evan puts it is that it builds the confidence that he needs in our relationship, especially after knowing about Steve and the words we exchanged. I ended up getting so fed up with it that I took Nathan and moved out of the house and in with a relative. Evan and I have been attending therapy sessions, where she is telling us to take time apart based on our situation. He made the decision for us to cut off all communication with each other unless it corresponds to our son, whom he has once or twice a week.
Steve found out about me moving out and everything and is now back in the picture.. not as a bf or someone I'm dating, but more so as someone to hang out with when we are both free. Here is my issue, (or I should say one of my many issues)
I have the choice to work things out with Evan if I can agree to be more intimate in our relationship. The advantages of that: he's the father of my child, he's helpful, concerned about how I feel, is a great dad, Nathan wouldn't have to have split custody between the two of us, I now have such bad anxiety when Nathan stays at daddy's, and it would be nice to get back to the happiness we shared together. The disadvantages of that: I don't want Nathan to think mommy and daddy are consistently not happy in life if we continue to fight, I still have those feelings of resentment toward him because of things he failed to respect about the sex thing before. I don't want the intimacy to be forced, and I can't help but think about Steve and what "could be" if we were to try things out.
I have the choice of dating Steve, obviously not right away because I'm nowhere near the point in my life where I want to be in another relationship, but advantages to that: my parents really like him, we would be more financially stable than Evan and I, I would stop asking myself what if. Disadvantages of that: If Evan knew we were talking again, it would break his heart, I again don't want Nathan to grow up in separate households, I would still ask myself, what could have happened if I had worked things out with Evan.
I just am at a loss. I'm struggling because of our child together, and although he's only 18 months, I know one day things will come up and questions will have to be answered. I know it's not right to stay in an unhappy relationship just for the mercy of the child, but at the same time, if Evan and I could stop fighting about these stupid issues we have, I truly feel like we could be happy one day. This is very convoluted and a lengthy question, but any advice would be appreciated.