Relationship between me and my husband has changed

Ciara - posted on 11/21/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Let me give you background first. Ok so I am 26 and me and my husband has been together all my life pretty much. We hooked up in jr. high and were inseparable every since. We went to separate colleges and so we pretty much did the long distance thing and had it on lock. The distance only made us miss each other more and absence did make the heart grow fonder. We got married and moved into our first apt. the same year I graduated from college. Shortly afterwards we relocated due to him finding a great job and moved thousands of miles away from family and friends to I feel the middle of nowhere. I am now a stay at home wife. We've been married for 3 years now and now I have a beautiful 2 month old baby girl. During my pregnancy the first trimester I was diagnosed with hyper emesis and was sick as a dog. I was depressed and sick and not the nicest person to be around. It didn't help that he became very distant. Sex just wasn't on my radar and I feel that made us even more distant. Things got better during the second trimester I wasn't sick anymore but I was always lonely because he worked so many hours. The third trimester I basically was on bed rest. Again no sex even though I was the horniest I had ever been in my life. Once I had her by way of C-section and my family was around to help me when I needed it most ( through my mastitis, allergic reaction to the narcotics and C-section recovery all in the same delivery week) he was cold and distant toward me. This was crushing to me and was so far out of character for him. He told me that it was because my family just came in and was doing it all he just fell back and let them take the reigns. Now its just us and we are patching up our relationship through the stress of a newborn. (sleep deprivation, irritation, anger, loneliness) Things have improved a lot but its not the same. I miss how we use to be and want that back. We were each others best friends and now every time I try to get the magic back I have flashbacks of the coldness and distance and utter feeling that he didn't have my back when I needed him most. I'm at a lost of what to do. Any suggestions or ladies going through any of the same that I can relate to?

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Ciara - posted on 11/21/2013

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Thank you so much, had no idea that a response would make me feel so good. The supportive information was great and I really never thought of holding onto those feelings were doing more harm than good.
Thank you

Tajci - posted on 11/21/2013

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It took me three kids and almost loosing my marriage to finally being to find a way to recovery.. It's a hard work, but sooner you start, easier will be. Here is what I learned:
1. Let go of the past. The emotional memory only fueled my unhappiness and kept me stuck in feeling sorry for myself and sad for what was gone.
2. Reading books/ columns that can build ME up. I first had to restore my happiness - I'm talking making little steps - something that made me feel better even after a first few days of doing it - like you have already done by posting this on CircleOfMoms
3. Learning to communicate honestly and openly with my husband. Without blame. I didn't know how to talk without pointing out/ referencing what had happened that made me feel hurt. But then I learned (on a weekend retreat we both attended) how to dialogue and begin communication that is the first step toward intimacy...

Babies, exhaustion, lack of sexual drive, feeling unattractive... URGH... It's hard... Try to find time for yourself: take a nap, or a bubble bath, or whatever will make you happy - all else will easier to handle... (I'm still not good at this - after 13 years and reading a lot about it, even inspiring others to do that...)

No matter what, keep in mind that you are a beautiful woman who just gave this world another precious human being... and that's HUGE!

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