Relationship with a narcissist

Jaime - posted on 10/07/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )




4 years ago, I had finally left an extremely toxic relationship for good. It wasn't a long relationsip, though I did wind up marrying him, and also having a child with him. I had moved in with him and moved back out at least four separate times, always somehow fallling for the "I promise I will change" garbage. Each time I moved out, I was harassed and stalked to no end. Each time I went back, it got worse and worse. There was even a restraining order at one point. When our son was about a year and a half old, I had enough, and decided that this time I would move far enough away that it would be impossible for him to keep tabs. If you have EVER had your life controlled by someone like this, you would understand. I moved about 200 miles away from the ony place I had ever known. I started my life over. I filed for a divorce and begged him not to take our child from me. (He has custody of two children from a previous marriage, which he fought for because he wanted to hurt his ex {his exact words to me}). He told me that I am a good mother and he would not hurt me that way, and he gave me full physical custody. I also have an older son who is now 17. For the last four years we drive an hour and a half each to meet half way every other weekend for his visitations. Yes, this is very hard on our son, but, people do what they have to do and situations could be a lot worse, I have seen worse. It's taken a lot of time for our son to be ok with going to his dads, he screamed and cried EVERY single time we had to go, and claimed he 'hates' his dad. I would always just tell him "well, your daddy loves you and it's daddy's turn to spend some time with you" even though it broke my heart every time. I ended up meeting someone else, and getting married for the 2nd time. This one lasted about 3 years. He had an affair with my friend and threw me and my kids out into the street. (I stayed at home and took care of our 5 children - my two, and his 3) needless to say I was devastated. I lost my husband and the only friend I had in this new area, all at once, along with my home. I immediately started looking for a place to live and a job, so that my children would be ok. Obviously during this time, the drive to meet halfway for the 1st ex-husband's visits was very difficult for me. He was understanding at first, and would come and see or visit our son instead. He soon started asking me out on dates. I refused and reminded him of why I moved so far away from him to begin with. He immediately got angry and started calling me a bad mother and threatening to take custody. For the last year now, it has been battle after battle wih him, and he actually did file for full custody and we have been to court once and were ordered to set up visits with a guardian ad litem and have an evidentiary hearing to go to this month. I am worried not because I am a bad mother, but because of how extremely manipulative he is. Of course there is a lot more to the story here, but it would take me forever to put it all, so I will say that the most important factor he based his motion on is the lacerations to the head that our son has had. He is now 6 years old but has received stitches, staples, and glue in his head 8 times. 2 of these incidents happened when the father and I were still together, and one occurred at fathers house during one of the visitation weekends. There is proof of all of that. Our son just happens to be extremely hyper active and fearless, hence he has fallen or run into things a lot. Hasn't happened for almsot two year now, but that's because he is older and has learned to control himself better. His father knows exactly how these have all happened, and even used to refer to our son as 'evil knievel'. He has never had any trauma to his head/skull/brain, which I was always worried about, and I addressed this concern with his regular Dr. who told me that little kids are not strong enough to do that kind of damage to themselves, and that the skin on the head is so thin, it is very easy for it to tear when they fall. He even told me he knows of children who purposely bang their heads into things, and that it would be different if an adult was doing something to him because there would be much more force behind it and it would cause much more damage than just a laceration. There was one time I brought him in when he lacerated his forehead by running across the hardwood floors and tripping, landing face first.....and when I brought him in (believe me I got very tired of always having to run to the ER too LOL) the doctor on call that day treated me very badly and pushed me away from my son while he and a bunch of nurses stripped him down completely naked checking his entire body for bruises. I knew exactly what they were doing, and it had always been a concern of mine when I brought him in for all the head injuries, but, they have to do that, and I suppose that knowing they would find nothing I was ok about it. Afterwards, the doctor was very polite and nice to me. I do NOT abuse my child!!! Anyhow, the father decided he was going to tell the courts that he believes I am causing the head injuries. (He wants to hurt me because he is angry). Because he presented a prima facie by bringing up the head injuries, the judge, by law, HAS to look into it. So, here we are and this is costing thousands of dollars in attorneys fees all so that I can continue to defend myself 4 years after I ended the relationship in which I was continuosly defending myself. This man has no empathy, I truly believe in my heart that he is a narcissist. He matches what they say about one to a "T". People are nothing more than objects to him, to be used to hurt someone that has angered him, including his own children. My toxic relationship with him was more than just what he did to me, but what I watched him do to his other two children constantly and it truly disgusted me. On top of all of this, our six year old is in therapy, because of all the tension that has arisen between his father and I, and he has become a very angry child. I never say anything negative about his father around or to him, and always gently refute his negativity towards his father. As much as I would like to join along and tell him that I hate his father too (he says that often) I cannot bear to ruin my child like that. He has come home saying vaious terrible things after visits wih his father though, for instance, he started screaming and crying one time on the way home and said "My Dad always says he wishes you would die, and I don't want you to de mommy!" That broke my heart and I spent a week straight at home with him refusing to go o the bathroom without me in there with him, refusing to sleep in his own bed, and being basically glued to my leg. I spent months reassurring him that nothing was going to happen to me, because he told me that he doesn't like to be away from me because he is afraid if he isn't with me something bad is going to happen to me. Can you imagine your 5 year old dealing with these kinds of feelings? I seriously at that point began to wish something would happen to his father, but of COURSE I NEVER said that to our son!!!! That is just the tip of the iceberg of things I have dealt with here, but it appears I will be dealing with this narcissitic abuse for the rest of my life and so will my poor son. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere, in hopes he doesn't find this page as well, because yes, even 4 years after our slpit he has still hacked my FB acocunt as well as my email account, and STILL manages to know everything I do at all times!!! What can a person DO???? My lawyer even made the statement to me once "I am actually starting to understand why some people disappear with their kids". Yes, it's that bad!


Michelle - posted on 10/07/2012




Does your son tell his therapist how he feels about his dads and what happens when he goes for his visits. Maybe they can help you limit visitation what your ex is doing is abuse and if you can somehow get the ad litum person to listen to your son he may not have to see his dad anymore if that happened yes it would cost you something but you could up and move and start life over without him.

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