relationships

Caregiver101 - posted on 07/31/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have been with my babys daddy going on 5 yrs . We have a 3 yr old son together. We got together drug related, when we became clean 3 yrs ago. I realized we have nothing in common. My bf has been the argumentive and competitive type since day one. I can say its a squirrel he'll say its a chipmunk. I have been in an abusive relationship before fore17 yrs. Everything out of my bf's mouth is "how come" or "why didn't you" every question is an argument because he asks me in an accussing way. If i get upset he will say its just a simple question. I tell him its a simple question to him but when he ask me the same questions 4 different times, 4 different ways, its not a simple question. He dosent call me out of my name he dosent call me names, so he thinks hes the perfect bf and says i don't disrespect you. I told him that dosent mean he dosent disrespect me, he says he has my back to the fullest. When he dosent he found a sd card put it in the computer and there was females on it. One was laying on the bed, no face was showing just mainly her butt, he texts and calls me at work, I better answer my phone or hes coming to my job. He thinks its me on the picture cause i have similar pants. I told him how messed up it was for him to think it was me, he had me put on 3 different pants I have, so he can compare. IT WASNT ME. He said sorry. His neighbor told him she seen a text from his uncle (by marriage) to me. My bf knew about the texts, it was heads up on finding a new babysister because he was evicting the neighbor. My bf said oh yeah and he believed me nothing was going on, but he went through our tmobile accounts, said I am to show him texts from the uncle from now on. I told him why are you making this bigger like you caught me cheating. So then a few weeks after. My bfs friend comes over (the sd card owner) my boyfriend comes inside tells me do him a favor stay inside til his friend leaves and takes away my phone. I said how are you going to tell me to stay inside and take away my phone like if it was me on the sd card. He said he wanted to question his friend. So in other words he didn't believe me. I told him I have never done anything for him not to trust me. I let him know everything even if it hurts, Im very out spoken.
A yr an a half ago I left him, I couldn't take the arguments it can go good all day but before we go to sleep there has to be an argument, so he said go back home and he'll change. I told him there is no more love on my side. He said come home try for 6 months if your feelings don't come back you can leave, so I go home and its gotten worse. He gets all mad cause he wants me to be affectionate or try to make a sexual move on him first, I told how can I, I don't love him. I said I may have an attitude and get mad when he wants sex but he still gets it and Im so disgusted I will cry quietly. Recently I cant keep my attitude inside I told him everytime he asks me a question its an accusation! Im not going through this Im not a child for him to take away my phone til I apologize to him for when I run my mouth, but I only run my mouth because I am clearly defending myself from the accusations and I have to prove myself to him when he thinks im messing up. I told him he has issues about trust and theres no reason why he should take it out on me and make me prove myself on something hes thinking is happening. Its not my fault he thinks that way. We have been to a therapist even the therapist told him he thinks its too late. Hes done too much damage and it only takes one person to say its over.
Now recently I am getting so fed up of him saying lets go to therapy. I told him why should I go to therapy. I don't love him anymore and is the therapist going to change my mind. There has been no love for 3 yrs now. He keeps insisting therapy. I told him why dosent he listen to me. Why dosent he listen to what Im saying about my feelings. Its not an on and off switch. He says you act like I torture you, I said you might as well of, I said you want me to be so unhappy and force me to love you, hes not being fair. Last night he was all sad saying you tell me how you feel and act like it dosent bother you , He will lay on the couch pouting until I say whats wrong, why should I ask if I know whats wrong. I told him why does he keep asking me how I feel, I don't like telling him but he asks so he gets his answer. He will say Im a cruel person, I am not, I have been through it all and Im not going to have my son go through this. My 3yr old is saying be quiet, be quiet when we start. That's so hurtful. My 4 other kids went through that. I feel guilty if I leave. Like I was telling my 21 yr old son, if I leave and he passes away (just like my kids did in 2014) I will say why didn't I try and make it work, my son said mom ur going through it again. Don't put my baby brother through that and you cant stay for that reason its a part of life. My bf will have these long talks like a parent would have with their teenager and say will you at least try, can we start over. I say yes and i think that happens about 10x in one month. We been trying for 5 yrs. What can I do to make him understand or take into consideration about my feelings and stop be in denial that I will love him or this relationship will work. If I say Im leaving, he'll say your not taking the baby . but he has no job. I make $2000 a month, just finished phlebotomy school and plan on buying a house near my kids since their dad left them their house.. I told my bf Im the only parent my kids have now so Im busting my butt for them and there my main concern. I could care less about him and Im just going on with my life. But as long as we live together I will not cheat on him . Please help me with some advice. I feel Im going to end up insane!!!!

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Sarah - posted on 08/01/2015

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Kick him to the curb or move, you're stuck in such an unhealthy relationship. If you think your kids are not already learning that this is how to treat your spouse, you are wrong.
Do not make excuses for him! He is not more sexual because he is younger, and he can talk until his face turns blue about how he is going to change. Until he actually changes his ways, I'd have nothing to do with him.

Michelle - posted on 08/01/2015

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I'm with Sarah, I couldn't read the whole post but from what I did read I got the message your boyfriend is a dick and you need to leave.
You need to get custody and visitation sorted so get yourself a lawyer now and see what they advise the best way to go.

Sarah - posted on 07/31/2015

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I am sorry your post is too hard to understand with no proper punctuation. If I get the drift, leave the sorry, suspicious jerk.

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Pauline_angela - posted on 08/07/2015

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so he found out of this circle of moms page cause he likes to snoop through my things. he was upset that I was saying its all him. what he dosent understand is I act out on how he is with me, he was saying that I have an attitude problem, and a mouth. I didn't mention the things I do to him, like hit him and cuss at him.
I have hit him twice in our relationship for the fact my 4 children lived with their father before he passed, but I wanted my children to live with their father simply because when I left that abusive relationship I didn't know where I was going, I wasn't going to drag my kids hotel to hotel or have them go hungry. so when this bf and I would fight he would talk shit saying some stupid thing like whats the real reason why you don't have your kids or that's the reason your kids live with their dad. I told him don't ever bring my kids into our argument cause I will knock him out. so I did. then a couple of times he'll bring my decease ex into our fights. where again I said don't talk about him or bring him in to this. but he's the type that when you argue about one thing he brings up the past. so that leads me to the beginning of this post. why didn't I mention that I lied to him when we first met that I had a myspace before, I told him because its none of his business what I did before we met, I am always calling him names yes I cant control that , being a Russian and a scorpio hes lucky that's all I do to him. a lot of our fights I am the one to blow up or get an attitude because he will tell me I should do or say things a certain way, il be like what im not your child, that's funny your telling me what not to do but your doing it . practice what you preach!!! its simple little things like don't leave a dish towel in the sink, don't be late to an appointment, or don't spend my pay check un wisely. ummm im 41 yrs old as long as I pay all the bills and get our hygiene and whats needed first , yes im going to buy. so this weekend he wanted to know why is my attitude getting worse, I said its like me making him go to palm springs when he hates it. so if I have to tell him again then im a cruel b///// again. but dude there is no love and I don't know what else to say!!!!.. I sound like a broken record... crazy

Dove - posted on 08/01/2015

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He is an abusive, controlling jerk and you NEED to leave for your sanity and safety.

Think about it this way... how would you feel if when your son grows up he treats his girlfriend/wife the way you are being treated? Would you be happy for her and proud of him? If you stay w/ this man you are telling your son that it is OK for a man to be this way... and it is NOT OK on any level whatsoever.

Pauline_angela - posted on 08/01/2015

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sorry girls! I was just typing away I was furious. I edit it and put punctuations. So my babys father is taking a computer technician class, so I get on my desktop last night and found there is an activity alert! well I disabled it somehow , so it will be off in 7 days. so I was going to kill him. There was one thing I forgot to mention in my first post. Monday morning bf was asleep , I don't snoop, that's not me, I let him have his privacy. I picked up his cell phone, put it down, picked it up again, went to text messages, I seen only 4 messages. Me I start thinking I just paid the cell phone bill he had 167 messages, so Mr. I don't delete my stuff, then wheres the 163 messages at. Then I go to web history and what do I find "CRAIGSLIST PERSONAL ENCOUNTERS" all these different girls name and the best part was I guess every profile he clicked in to, went straight to his contacts. I went to work a couple hours went home didn't say one word about it, he was walking through the house with cell phone in hand, then went to bathroom and put his cell phone on my computer desk. DUMMY! he goes to the kitchen comes back to living room when he sees me with his phone, all web history is deleted BUT he dosent know its in contacts. I say whats all this, he says I don't know and lays down. I walk towards him and say do I have stupid across my forehead, he says no, I say why did you delete your web history, he says I didn't. so I grab my phone since I took pictures of the web history. Do you want to know what excuse he gave me? You talk to me like shit so I wanted to know why you don't love me and to check if your on chat websites. I said all those girls names on your contacts is not even close to mine, he said I didn't click in them, I was scrolling and it accidently clicked in it. I told him then you wonder why I come at you harsh is because theres always something with him, and its all my fault. I told him when he says that is it ok for me to go beat someone up because you talk to me like crap.
I was also telling him about my day at work yesterday and the only words that came out his mouth was, umm when you said stop asking for sex because how you feel, does that mean forever. I looked at him and said are you serious is there anything else on your mind other than that... he says no , but I want it.
I told him time and time again, go find a girl , I roll out the red carpet for him. Im 41, hes 33 so hes more sexual than I am. But I don't know why I don't call the cops and have them make him leave . I pay rent, Im on rent receipts, last night he ask me do you see us together in the future, I said no, he then said if tables were turned what would you do. I said I would of left you, I said why do you want me to continue to be so unhappy, I want to live a normal life, not with fighting all the time, he says well change your attitude then and then Ill change the way I act with you. I said forget it, you just don't get it, and were going in circles, that actually is our arguments every day. I cant get it in my heart to pick up my things and leave, I guess because I know how much he loves our son, hes the stay at home dad , so he would still be able to see his son every day. I don't know what its going to take for him to understand maybe because I keep saying Im done with him but Im still there, so Im going to have to be the one to go to show him Im actually serious.

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