Relocation after a divorce

Chelsey - posted on 04/10/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have two toddlers from a previous marriage, I am remarried to a soldier but in Oregon it's hard to come by a full time/permanent job... My husband was informed he would have better luck if we IST to the Cal Guard. Plus, his parents live in California and his career pathway is IT.. and well his father works for a huge corporation that is willing to help my husband gain more certifications to further our future. The problem: My ex said NO! In our divorce it says I have to give him a reasonable notice if I plan to move more than 60 miles away... I gave him 3 months notice. Now we are going to have to go to court. Problem number 2: My husband cannot get a job in Cal Guard until we IST (Transfer).... what should we do? Will he stop us from moving!? This is an awesome opportunity to build our future, if we stay here I am going to have to go back to work and well lets face it, any money I make goes to preschool/daycare.... and we can lose our military job anytime here! Advice?!

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Ev - posted on 04/10/2014

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You are going to have to go to court then. Since your divorce said you had to give him reasonable notice time about any moves over 60 miles. That said and you added it was three months. Maybe for your ex it is not enough time. Also, did you take into account that his visitation with the kids might end up limited because of said move? He can also ask for custody of the kids too instead of allowing them be moved away from him. Its not about you anymore or your husband or your ex. Its about the kids and their relationship with their father here. He is figuring he did not have enough time with 3 months. What else does he have to do to see the kids if they are that far away?

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Ev - posted on 04/11/2014

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I am not judging you at all as the others have said. And your plan may be just a good one for you but when I say think about the future I mean as to the kids schooling because they get summer holidays, thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break. Those are not set out exactly three months apart. When kids go to school where you live with your husband, you can not take them out every 3 months to go visit dad. And the judge will have to be taken into consideration here too. The judge may not go for it. I know you have other things you have not mentioned and I do not need to know how good a man the ex is or not, what he does that you do not agree with or do agree with, or even how he lives his life. The point is I am trying to get you to see that once the kids get into school it makes visitation a lot harder for the non-custodial parent, which I am. And before it goes too far into that: I made the choice for my kids' sake at the time because it was the best choice for all involved. Their dad was ready to fight me tooth and nail and I was not about to put them through that ever. The point is no matter what you do, if you live in a different school district its not going to match exactly where he lives and his schedule for work etc.

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2014

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We understand that there is a lot more to the story but people can only comment on what you have written. Yes you have written the benefits but in the end the children's Father can stop you from going.
What you have written does sound very one sided. Just because you gave him 3 months notice, doesn't mean he has to agree with you.
Why can't your husband transfer first? At least that way he can start the new job while you get other things sorted out.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/11/2014

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Chelsey, Evelyn understands that.

You need to understand that, while your situation may be similar to others, each situation will have its own outcome.

Evelyn's trying to get you to see the other side of the coin, not judging you.

Chelsey - posted on 04/11/2014

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Evelyn I do appreciate your comments. I want to assure you I am thinking ahead of the kids' future... the every 3 months is based off of vacation time and it will work throughout the years. I also want you to know that this is ENTIRELY for the kids' best interest. My post wasn't meant to go into details about my ex, but if you could kindly consider there is more to this than you understand I would much appreciate that instead of judging me as one of those parents thinking about themselves. The post only goes into details of the some of the benefits, and I am looking for advice based off of someone who has dealt with a common issue. Please understand I am not trying to be mean, I just want support, and stories based off of other's experience. There is a story behind this... one that I am sure many women can relate to, but the move was not intended for those purposes. Just try to think that there is multiple chapters you haven't read.. and sometimes, support and common grounds is all a person needs. Thanks

Ev - posted on 04/11/2014

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I have to agree with Michelle on this but you also have to look at the long term too. Its not going to work him seeing the kids when he wants every 3 months when they get to school age. They won;t be toddlers forever. You should be looking at the short and long terms as well. Also, you do not know what he is thinking either. He could change his mind now he knows that his kids are not going to be so available to him if this move happens no matter the benefits to you and the husband or the kids. They are also his kids too and you thought nothing of it when you married him and had the children. People do change is what I am saying here. Some people do not realize what they got until its gone....I also know that from experience myself though in my situation it was not a choice I wanted to make it was something I had to make. You have to also understand that this is not about the adults but the best interest of the kids. And a judge will see that the best interest is to uphold that chance of a relationship of the kids and dad. I hope it works out for you but I do not think that people really stop to think what moving the kids away from their father or mother for that matter does to the whole visitation and relationship factors of the non-custodial parent and kids. I am not advocating that this man is all up and up, but he is their father and he deserves to be able to see them at reasonable time frames to build a relationship and he can get custody or stop your going to the new place for the jobs and what not.

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2014

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Yes and he sees it as the only way he can still control you. Unfortunately he can stop you from going if he pleads enough to the judge.
He doesn't care about the better prospects for you or your husband, he just wants to still control you.
My advice would be to get a good lawyer.

Chelsey - posted on 04/10/2014

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We are preparing for court. A reasonable notice in the state of Oregon is 30 days. He has the kids currently only every other weekend, and yes we will have to work out a new parenting plan, which when I notified him of our move, he and I tried to work it out... after we worked it out, 2 weeks later is when he told me never mind he won't let us move. I am not worried about him trying to get custody of the kids. That I believe won't happen for reasons deeper than the topic at hand. The move has many benefits to us a whole family... better schools, military base with full medical benefits, career pathways, family, etc. I had originally notified him I will do the driving back every 3 months for 1-2 weeks where he will get as much of that time with the kids as he would like. The problem is, he won't take the time. So his fighting me has nothing to do with truly wanting to see the kids, rather than control over the situation. Thank you for your input. Trust me, as much as I wish my kids' father wanted to be a dad.... he really just doesn't want to look bad

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