Resentful of step kids expenses.
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Deborah - posted on 06/09/2013
first let's get out of the way what everyone else will say........
He's got kids........
They're not proof of an ongoing love for the ex.....they're his kids.
What he does for his current children, he would do for yours as well. So look at it that way.
I married a man with 2 boys who were 6 and 4 when they came to live with us. What a shocker, his drug addict ex wife picked them up from our wedding reception around 7 PM and when we arrived home at 2 in the morning, ready to leave at 7 for our honeymoon, there were the two boys, bag and baggage, on our front porch, all alone, sleeping in sleeping bags with a note attached that said, "Ha Ha, your turn".....
I was blessed with an awesome Mom who cancelled all her appointments (she's a minister) for the week and came to stay at our home to care for the boys so that we could go on our honeymoon.
Over the years, because WE had 2 children, my husband worked 2 jobs and I worked while they were in school. My husband was not as blessed as yours, he worked 2 jobs and I worked and together we didn't make NEAR $130,000.
I had wanted to have children, but my tubes were plugged by several ovarian cyst operations when I was a teenager. My husband and I went through 4 attempts at IVF, and I did get pregnant, but miscarried and decided I just couldn't go thorugh that again, even though HE was willing to try again to do it for me.
BOTH my boys played hockey, baseball, football, soccer and took martial arts classes. They liked fishing so we bought a used boat for my husband to take them fishing and water skiing. They enjoyed dirt bikes with their friends and when they were older had jet skis.
We lived in a large old farm house and had a big barn where they each had a pony, and later a horse.
What I'm trying to say to you is this............if you have custody of those girls and you want to have a family and a future with your man, you have to start thinking of them as YOUR children. You have to want what is the best for them and stop at nothing to give it to them.
Would you want your husband to be that kind of a father to your own biological children?? Look at him now and figure it out for yourself. You have a FANTASTIC man who loves and cares for his children above and beyond the value of money. Your children would receive that benefit of love from him as well.
I can remember rolling pennies to get gas money for work, but my sons had good clean clothes, some name brand, some not......... and they had sports that kept them on the straight and narrow. They weren't hanging out with losers, but with motivated, self starting, academic students who didn't drink or do drugs. Sports were their lives and they lived knowing that a mess up in school or on the streets could end their sports team participation.
That said, my sons never had the benefit of a $25,000 sports school. They went to hockey school at the local rink for $125.00 a week. They played baseball in Little League, Soccer with the local Athletic Department, and football with Pop Warner. None of these were cheap, and you have to buy all the gear, but $25,000.00 is an awful lot to spend considering that this will never be her career. There is not a professional woman's team in the country. There is no professional league for women to participate in. So maybe he needs to rethink the price of $25,000.00 and think of that money as a year of college tuition rather than for paying for a game.
I never had the benefit of having a biological child. My husband's children ARE my children, even though they never called me Mom or even gave me a Mother's Day card. I spent lots of my hard earned dollars trying to be sure that they had a good life and I love them to this day as though I bore them myself.
My husband passed away in 2001. He was 45 years old and died when a truck left the main road and came into our side yard and hit him while he was working on his motorcycle. My youngest son, was 20 years old at the time and was standing within feet of his father when he was hit. I can remember being in total grief, but taking the time at my husband's funeral services to thank God that if he had to take one or the other, that he had taken my husband and not our son.
Both of my boys are married now and I have 7 of the most wonderful grandchildren in the world. 2 girls and 5 boys. I have the grandchildren all summer and on every school vacation as their parents work and I don't want the kids in daycare or farmed out to some local person that I don't know. I would do anything for MY grandchildren. Just because they don't carry my blood in their veins doesn't mean they aren't mine.
When my husband died, his ex wife showed up at my husband's funeral. We hadn't seen her since she dropped the kids off the night of our wedding. Because my husband had a criminal record from his early adulthood, the judge gave us physical custody, but she always had retained legal custody. On top of taking care of the boys and raising them, we also had to send her $100 a week child support that she was supposed to have saved as a college fund, or for anything they needed. At my husband's funeral, I was kind and invited her to join me to greet friends and relatives. She told me that if she were to enter the funeral home, she would take pride in walking to the casket and spitting on my husband's corpse. She counseled the boys that I was "just his 2nd wife" and that everything that he owned should come to them. She helped them retain a lawyer and fight me in court.
I went to court and told the judge that I would give them each a home. PLUS my husband had planned well and left me a large life insurance policy, and $100,000 life insurance policies for each of the boys. So they were set. The lawyer took a lot of that, and their mother got them into partying and drugs. They squandered the money on drugs and alcohol. They called me when they were losing the homes and I paid the back mortgage on each home and helped them both get into rehab programs. They never wasted the opportunity again. They each started their own businesses and are quite successful.
Although it is me they call when they are in trouble, they still love and care for their mother. I spent a LOT of time when they were growing keeping that love alive. Telling them that she dropped them off with us because she loved them so much and knew that she couldnt' take care of them properly. Whenever she would call and make an arrangement to see them and then not show up they would cry out "I hate her!!" and I would talk to them about how their Mom really loved them and that she was sick and needed their prayers and understanding more than hatred.
My boys' mother was arrested in 2004. She had been certified as a home health aid and had been caught stealing over $800,000 from the checkbooks of her elderly patients. She did jail time and got clean. To this day she is a clean, sober, yet very selfish person. She refuses to help the boys and has the grandchildren call her by her first name because "she isn't old enough to be a grandmother".....she's 6 years older than I am. The children all call me Grandma and I am PROUD to carry that title. My oldest granddaughter is a CNA and in college working toward a nursing degree after graduating with highest honors last June. My younger granddaughter is attending the same Agricultural Technical High School that I attended as a teen and is rated number 3 in her class. She is a Sophomore. My grandsons are all straight A students, except for the 2 little ones who are still not in grade school.
What I'm trying to tell you, I guess, AND THIS IS NOT A SLAM, get the jealousy out of yourself. Stop thinking about yourself and your wants and needs, and make these beautiful, talented girls YOUR children. There's nothing wrong with having more children, but you have custody of these girls. They are YOUR children and YOUR responsibility if you truly love your husband. They are the BEST part of him!! They are part of who he is, and I must say that he seems like an awesome man!!!
Speak to your husband honestly about money, as $25,000.00 is a LOT for playing hockey when it won't ever help her in her future as a career woman, wife, or mother. Perhaps there are women's or teen girls' leagues at a local rink that would be just as satisfying and less money.
The $400 per season for clothing is CHEAP!! My boys, back in the 1980s could spend that in a week's time!! And we're talking girls here........
Instead of spending your time being jealous of the money he spends on the children, try writing down a list of all the blessings the girls bring to your life.
Oh, trust me, you WILL go through your hard times with them. They will hate you and there will be times you swear you hate them. But never say that. Always act like the adult you are and show them love and understanding. Remember, if you are trying to become a mother, you WILL go through the very same emotions with a biological child. Consider these girls as practice mothering for your biological child. But for heaven's sake, If all of these words I've written mean anything to you, do ONE thing for yourself and for your husaband and start thinking of these girls as YOUR girls. You are responsible legally for their well being, their moral upbringing, and TEACHING them about life, the value of a dollar, and making sound decisions for their families. Approach this situation in that light, and you might be surprised at the outcome.
Please feel free to get in touch with me ANY time that you need a sounding board to keep you sane. I've been there and sometimes trying to remain positive and loving is the hardest thing you will ever do.
God bless you, and God bless your new family.
User - posted on 06/07/2013
All those feeling you have about the priorities you will have for your own child, he has them now for the 2 he already has including him being 100% involved in the child's welfare etc.
It isn't going to get any easier.
Children (step-children and children) don't disappear when they are 18. They hang around making demands, expecting attention, needing support for the rest of their lives. Even if they are independent, successful and happy, they will be on his mind for ever.
He had a vasectomy... that meant he did not want more children. They are quite severe in the counselling when you have this done that you understand that it is forever. Are you absolutely 100% positive HE wants more children or is he trying to please you.
My personal opinion? You resent the kids now... (can't say I blame you!) you'll resent him in another year and your biological clock is ticking. Walk away. FInd someone your own age and share this journey together.
Nicole - posted on 06/09/2013
Everybody seems so focused on the cost of this hockey school. I would like to point out that this girls father was able to afford it before you, and it would be unfair for her to have to give if up because you are now in the picture. It shouldn't matter if the program costs $250 of $25,000 it is an activity that pre-dates your relationship, and if she us forced to give it up she WILL resent you, and her father. You say she should drop it because it us expensive and there is no chance of her having a career in hockey. Most countries now have very strong women's hockey teams, she could very well make it to the Olympics. Her hockey could lead to university or college scholarships, or a career in broadcasting or sport medicine, etc. the sport of hockey is changing, who knows? She could make it to the NHL, she would NOT be the first female. Most parents will do everything in their power to help their children achieve their dreams.
That said, even if it was an expensive arts ptogeam I would feel the same, she had it before you, she should not have to give it up. You are involved with a man with children, like it or not, those kids will and should always come before you. They have no control over the situation they are in, he is their father and always will be. Unlike them, you have the option to look at the situation and decide if it is right for you. Short form, you can leave (and find happiness with a man who better fits your needs and wants), they can't.
Anita - posted on 06/07/2013
1.How are you all not getting by better if just one of your incomes is 130k?
2.I was in your situation once. I was in a relationship with someone for five years. I didn't like the 'baby mama', she was constantly trying to break myself and the father up. Sometimes she would use her (from age 7 to 12) year old daughter to create problems as well, generally treat me like crap. But guess what, I couldn't blame the kid. She was being influenced by two completely immature parents. As for his money, of course he was going to spend it on his daughter. Do you know what I did? I rushed to the pharmacy, filled my prescription for birth control, and kissed a carton of condoms hello. I decided I would never have children with this guy, because I knew it would become a nightmarish competition between 'baby mamas', and the children would get stuck in the middle of this nonsense, and be forced to partake in this drama. (Thank you for the education Jerry Springer). I don't want to give any children of mine, that kind of life (knowingly). I knew I would be passing on my insecurities onto my kids, and then it would plague them for the rest of their life, whether their daddy "preferred" his other kids. Even if the dad loves all his kids, the mamas will always have a skewed perception, because what Mom doesn't want the best for her 'kids' (ahem *her*)?
I ended the relationship, met a guy with no kids, got married, and have one of my own. I didn't understand then, but I do understand now, now that I have my own, that when you have a kid, they are going to come first, no matter whose womb they come from, regardless of whether if means the guy has to always be in contact with his ex.
In your mind, you're in competition with children. You say that it is because you want something for your future children, but if you read between your own lines, it boils down to which mama's kids he would be more loyal to, and then, which mama he is more loyal to.
If you don't like his children, why do you want to have a family with this man. You're going to have to see them for the rest of your life, every birthday, every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, maybe every weekend, no matter how old they get!
What about when his kids get married, you're going to fight about why he is spending more money on his kids wedding than on his wedding to you. What about the dance between the mother and father of the bride? You'll be foaming and spitting. And when they have children, and your guy has grandchildren!!! You'll become Roger Murtaugh and you're going to be muttering "I'm too old for this s***"... Then the real fun is going to start, and its going to be yet another source of competition for you.
To be honest, if you can't love and treat those kids like your own, if you see them as someone else's kids, I don't think you'd make good stepmom material. If you decide to embrace those kids like your own, you won't be angry that he spends his money on his kids, and of course, he will spend money on the kids that you have together too. You having to go back to work isn't the kids' fault. Its the fault of the financial problems between your boyfriend and his ex. If you already don't like it, I don't understand why you're planning a life of misery, anger, and resentment.
When you're in the situation, its harder to see what this situation has turned you into, but from an outside perspective, it sounds like this has turned you into someone who wants to take a daddy (and resources) away from two kids.
For you, it sounds like you need to find a guy with no kids. Your life will be easier. I did, and it is, I promise.
Caren1Â±JaA - posted on 06/09/2013
First I should ask you what did you know of his finances and his commitment to his ex and his kids when you first met? Second, how long have you been together. Seeing he is divorced and you are most likely entering your first real relationship I suggest you see a marriage counselor to come together on a level playing field.
I am a single Mom of 3 and my boyfriend cannot at this time support our daughter. I know in time he will be able to and we are both committed to making a life together. I knew from day one that my life with the new love in my life would be different than the more posh life I had with my ex. But I knew money is not everything and at the end of the day I would be happier. I don't think you understand yet how the mind of a divorced single parent works. Especially if the other parent is not part of the children's lives on a regular basis. My ex lives overseas in China, and my boyfriend lives 4 timezones away. I am a single 24/7 parent. At least your man and his kids are lucky enough to have you there.
I also suggest you make a cohabitation agreement to protect both of you from the debt of the other person and that you protect your share of any assets you have purchased while you are together. If you do eventually get married this can also act as a prenuptual agreement. You should also see if your boyfriend is willing to share the details of his divorce /separation document with you. There may be a clause in there about he and his ex exchanging their income tax results every year to determine the amount of support she gets. Most lawyers expect the other spouse to make a certain amount of money every year and he only has to pay her a portion on top of that.
There is also a certain time period that she will be able to receive payments from him. If it is getting to that point she may be getting anxious about finally looking after herself.
I think what the real question is here is how committed are you to the relationship with your boyfriend, how do really feel about his kids, are you resentful because he may be a better Father to them than yours was to you? We all bring different kinds of baggage to our relationships. His is an ex- wife and 2 kids. What's yours? Do you feel that they are getting the free ride you never got yourself? If so, maybe you could suggest his daughter get a part time job and help pay for her equipment. You could suggest it would test her commitment to the hockey program and build her awareness of money and how to respect it, and give her a sense of responsibility. I think he might actually agree. Of course the other thing is she could actually be preparing herself for Olympic hockey. In which case if you are going to be part of her life, be prepared to be there for her every step of the way. If you can't be then you need to find someone else with no kids and no exwife.
This conversation has been closed to further comments
Leigh - posted on 06/09/2013
I would like to be clear to the moms that posted about everyone responding about the hockey. My husband pointed out that Geo said hockey was her " major issue" and may result in her not being a stay at home mom. This young woman could own her own rink one day. She could become very successful and even own her own team. A lot of ways to look at it. If she has good grades and is very talented at her sport she could very much get a athletic scholarship ( doesnt have to be hockey) many sports help you to transition to a different sport. Athletes are athletes. If this is a sport she has been part of since a early age then im sure she is very passionate about it. Surely the same team mates for many years and same coaches. Your sports family is like FAMILY. To pull her from something she has known for so many years could be devastating. That's assuming she has. If this is something she just decided she wanted recently( at 15) then i would agree not to put a lot of $ into it. I would consider it a phase. I am a gymnastic coach and see many many children start around that age as soon as the Olympics are over ;) it is a very short lived BUT fun experience. Geo, i did not read any mention of your love for these girls or anything positive. Im sure you are very torn and emotional about the entire situation or you would not be asking for advice and i would not dare respond with something i wouldn't say to a best friend if she came to me. Idk that i would be thinking so far ahead if you are not yet married or pregnant. Sounds like you already have resentment about things that have not happened yet. You should enjoy life for what it is right now. Bond with these girls. Make a family. Make memories. No one is promised tomorrow and if you truley love him then i believe you can love these girls! Be positive and have a positive approach! Enjoy life :) praise The Lord if you have good health! Be grateful for everything and everyone you have right now! It sounds as if you really have nothing mentioned to be so upset about. Are the girls ugly to you? Are they not well behaved? Do you feel they do not deserve these things for reasons other than just your gain? Your boyfriend makes a very nice salary :) be thankful! I've read posts so far of families living off 15 and 25,000 a year! Children will stress about money just as much as parents! Unless he looses his job or takes pay cut their lives should not change when you become step mom.
Estrella - posted on 06/09/2013
I'm sure you've heard by enough readers by this point how horrible you sound, I still was upset enough to respond, as well. I will try not to be "too hard" on you, however, I think you need a wake up check.
As far as what you imagine your life will be with him, you are getting all the reality checks of how day to day life will be. There is NO fairytale life that will magically transform when you marry this man. You are lucky enough to see what kind of father he will be to your own kids, if you end up having them together.
Frankly, after reading this, if you were marrying my brother I would tell him to run for the hills. I am 41, married with two kids, 4.5 year and 5 month old. My husband is 47. We met in my early 30s but didn't marry and have kids until I was in my mid-30s. My daughter was born when I was 37. We waited to have kids and I'm glad. Neither of us have kids from a previous relationship.
As a mother, I would be horrified if I married a man who didn't put his kids ahead of himself. And hoping that we never divorce, if we did, I don't think my husband would ever marry a woman who wouldn't allow or even expect him to put his kids ahead of her. What kind of man would he be if he put his kids after his wife, job, etc... Not a man I'd want in my life.
I really hope your boyfriend learns about how you really feel so that he has a chance to get out while he can for the sake of his kids. If you marry this man with the resentment, jealousy and selfishness you now possess, those kids are in for some real heartbreak. Who would want you as a step-mother? Not me.
As far as not being able to be a stay at home mom financially, you do what you have to do. I'm a stay at home mom, and we are very lucky to be in this position but we sacrifice. We don't own a home and we don't have a lot of extra money. It was the choice we made for ourselves. The sacrifice we wanted to make so that I could bond with them. What I believe is that we always have enough money to do what we need to do. Law of attraction. We always have enough. My daughter takes dance and goes to MyGym, takes swim classes, sports, etc.
As a mother, you would give what you could to your kids. Not to spoil them, but to give them the opportunities you didn't have, or did have and want them to experience them, also. So, why wouldn't you want your husband's kids to have experiences that they enjoy? You are possibly choosing to go into this family to become a part of it. Not to tear it apart. You are joining a family that has already existed, not because of you but in spite of you. A blended family is difficult enough without someone coming into it with the negative feelings you have.
If you really feel this way and are having a problem because of the financial and maybe emotional aspect of it, then do yourself and that family a favor and back out now. Those kids deserve better than that. And if you go into that family and demand that those things change, I don't know how you can look yourself in the mirror every day or sleep at night with a good conscience. Put yourself in their shoes and ask if that's the kind of step-mother you would have wanted. There are plenty of men out there who are single and don't have kids already. Plus, he's 43. You will NOT change a person, no matter what you do.
And if you are in love with him, you should be in love with those kids, as well. So, it's not about the hockey or whatever activity you think they should or should not be doing. It's about you needing to grow up, get your self together and act like a responsible and loving individual.
Best of luck to your boyfriend and those kids.
Stephanie - posted on 06/09/2013
Wow. I can see that you actually did get a lot of harsh answers. I've never been in a situation like that but I hear you. I don't think (as many other posters do) that you are trying to come in and cut things out of "his" children's life in order to benefit you. I understand because I have two children and I want another. I don't make a lot of money so I know that there will be some cuts and compromise. My third child will need a lot of things just as the others, the money will have to be spread out. Right now you are fixated on the hockey tuition because you don't agree with it, understand it and it prevents you from getting what you really want. It is a possibility that this isn't the relationship you need to be in and you also have to consider his daughter's feelings in this as well. Good luck.
User - posted on 06/09/2013
Your issue is with the whole situation, which the children cannot fix or control for you. I'd give some serious thought to moving on, because those kids are always going to cost money, whether you like it or not, and chances are you'll be adopting a baby before seeing whether a reversal works. If you can bring yourself to a counselor to deal with these issues, then that's the only hope here, and that person may walk you through many avenues that will eventually lead you to wonderful feelings about those kids. If the father can't fix this problem so that it seems more equitable for you, then you need to cut your losses. I too am shocked that the father hasn't moved you out, since you have no respect for his children. A true mother would accept those kids as her own, and not bitch about costly things.
~â¥Little Miss - posted on 06/09/2013
**Closing this thread due to personal attacks. Ladies, please review the "NO THUMPS" policy set in place by the management team, and refresh yourself of the guidelines. Thank you
~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~
Coffeesnob82 - posted on 06/09/2013
You haven't been in a relationship where your needs or wants are secondary. They're his CHILDREN. They NEED to come first. If you had children and were dating would you put your partners needs and feelings above your childrens? Or would you say look, these are my kids, they need me to provide and care for them, you come second fiddle for now.
What you're talking about, and how you're talking about his daughters, this is my worst nightmare as a divorced mother. That my ex will meet a woman who steps in, takes over, and puts herself as an adult above the needs of my children.
He is 43, he had a vasectomy because he didn't want more children. You're 30 single without children and see a man with money and a possible pretty nice and easy future with him. You're coming in, asking him to get a reversal, asking him to stop spending money on his real and present children, and you're not even married yet. If you can't respect his parenting, why would you want to have children with him? Unless of course you don't mind him spending the money on children if they're yours.
Jacob - posted on 06/09/2013
I'm sorry but HIS kids come first ..always, there is no" if or buts about it ".. he had these children they are his responsibility ,he should be spending money on them .. he should have them as his first priority ... If you should get married and have kids of your own, his first family is still his responsibility and priority .. you have to go in with your eyes wide open
Tekzcortz777 - posted on 06/09/2013
sorry to say but i think you have to think and use your brain at this point..if you want a better life, you have to be strong and think of breaking up with him.. you're too young and im sure beautiful to have these kinds of problems in life..
If you can live with those problems, then you will have to live with sadness and not being able to be happy and have the life that you wanted.
I'm sorry to be so frank with you. I've been to a bad relationship too, i had to end it after i found out that i am pregnant with our child because for all the reasons that sank in after realizing all the horrible things ive gone through with him for 4 years.
i hope this is helpful to you..something to think about.
cheer up! :)
Jeanette - posted on 06/09/2013
The first xmas I had the kids and every thing was fine. I agreed after a lot of fighting to take the kids to him during tsummer holidays after that xmas. My ex is still in the house we shared together and as my daughter is disabled all equipment needed for her is also in that house. The new g/f decided that she didnt want me in the house for the 3 days bfore my ex took the kids on the summer hols, even though im the full time carer for my daughter. Lots of fighting later it was sorted. Then comes xmas again (just gone) and suddenly my ex is taking our son (able bodied) but not his daughter, as "its our first xmas together and its just easier" (from ex)
Then suddenly his gf bday is 3 days bfore xmas so he wants our son to travel 500 miles on his own (scotland to london) because he wont be back from taking her away for her bday in time to get our son for xmas. She is slowly taking my kids dad away from them because she is a selfish bitch who knew he had kids before getting with him. The reason...he's a stock broker with a 5 bed house.
While me and his kids are in a 2 bed homeless house.
The reason I say your a selfish spoiled brat is, if like my ex new gf you knew the situation going into the relationship then you knew what you were getting into.
Coffeesnob82 - posted on 06/09/2013
You need to leave. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't dumped you over your obvious lack of affection or respect for his children. More or less you want him to discontinue the money he spends on his almost grown daughters, have children with you and spend it on you so you can sit at home and be a mommy.
You are the step mother from hell, the kind they make fairy tale stories about. Think Cinderella here, you come in to a ready made family where a child is growing up in a style she is accustomed to, and you want to take that away, replace the child with children of your own, and redistribute the wealth not to these children he's already almost raised, but to your own child. His daughters will hate you, they will have hatred for your children because of the way it has changed their lives, and more or less everybody will end up miserable.
Find a man who doesn't have kids, have kids of your own, get a job and support yourself. He has 130,000 a year, he can AFFORD to send his child through hockey schools that are the best. She may go all the way with her years of training in this sport and her skill if it's nurtured and matured. There are colleges with NHL teams. You are a selfish money hungry diva who found a man who is settled and well off, and you come in and want him to spend that money on you and these dream children of yours and do not want him to continue providing for his daughters in the way they are accustomed too. Grow up or move on.
User - posted on 06/09/2013
I completely feel for you. I don't know what advice I can give you as I am in a very similar boat. His child goes to a very exclusive private boarding school. We have two children together and I have three from a previous marriage. My ex husbands pays very little towards my kids as he is a carer to his parents. And my current partner pays a massive load to his child. Since becoming involved with my new partner I have become in debt with two of my children's schools as I have very little money to go towards them. My financial situation is much worse now than when I was a single parent and I am in more debt now than I ever was. With our first child together his child maintenance went down and we were very happy about that, then very quickly his ex filed some forms or a complaint or something then his maintenance went up to more than what it was before we had out son. How child goes over seas for holidays has top label clothing while my kids get their clothes from the local op shop and we are never able to take a local holiday let alone go overseas. We have no savings and get by week to week. Many times I think I am better off single as the financial and emotional stress is becoming too much. Like I said sorry I can't offer advice, but I know how you feel. He tells me I am being too selfish, but I have kids from a previous marriage who shouldn't suffer or miss out because his money goes to someone else.
Kate - posted on 06/09/2013
Wow. Unfortunately, it is going to be hard for me to say anything that is not going to come across as harsh. I am absolutely appalled at your resentment of those girls. I'm sure that a lot of what they are doing was going on long before you came into the picture. Just because you want to have a baby with your boyfriend does not mean the lives those girls are living need to change. If their father has no problem paying for these things for them, then you need to just get over it. He is spending HIS money on them, not yours. He is raising his children in the way he sees fit. If you come in and start making changes in their lives to benefit YOU, they will resent you as well. They probably already do! You, madame, are no where NEAR ready for a child with ANYONE. if anyone came I to my life and told me I had to stop doing things for my daughter just because he wanted something for himself, I would kick his sorry butt to the curb.
Jeanette - posted on 06/09/2013
If you knew the situation going into this relationship and still feel like this then you are nothing but a spoiled brat.
I was with my ex 17 and we split 2 years ago. We have 2 kids together and he does pay maintenence. How ever his new partner sounds just like you.
When we split we agreed to have the kids alternate xmas
Jennifer - posted on 06/09/2013
I guess I don't understand why the ex-wife is receving support if you two have custody of the children full-time. Is it spousal support? If so, that usually has an end date. It should not go on indefinitely, unless she is unable to work.
That hockey school cost is pretty steep. But I wouldn't assume that there is no future for your step-daughter in hockey. There are womens' teams around, olympic teams, etc. If that's what she really wants, I would hate to suggest taking away her dream. Especially when your family makes a good income by any standards. Even on just your boyfriend's salary of $130,000 should cover a pretty good lifestyle for a family of 4 (or possibly more, if you're going to have a child). You would be the "bad guy" if you were the reason she had to quit hockey, and I really don't think you want to be the "evil stepmom," even if it's just her perception. I have a stepmother myself, and it's a tricky relationship, even as adults.
It's a hard one, but I really think you just have to accept the lifestyle he's set up for his kids. You don't want to be the one to make things harder for them, they will resent YOU very much for that! You came along later, you will have to fit yourself in - but of course, you have every right to advocate for yourself and your own future kids. However, this can't be at his other kids' expense, that's just not fair or a good idea!
PennySue - posted on 06/09/2013
Good news: He loves his children very much. Bad news: That shouldn't change if he marries someone other than their biological mother. No one should ask a parent to choose one set of children over another. What would that do to the children on either side of the fence? I agree that budgets should be discussed, so red flag there. I too am wondering about the biological mother. Did she fight for custody and he won? Based on what? Did he fight for custody to prove a point? Is she just "scary" as a parent? Is he afraid if he doesn't shower them with gifts they will want to go to "mom"? You need to realize his life before you does not disappear, especially if living human beings are involved. If you can not love his girls as you would love a child the two of you may have together, then move on. He had debts before you and he'll have debts after you. You can take responsibility for the debts or not, that is up to you. But if you take on the debts you take on the WHOLE package.
Melissa - posted on 06/09/2013
I understand your point of view, I'm a step-mom myself. However, the fact of the matter is, his kids will and should come first. They always will, and if you are resentful now, it will only get worse after you marry. You are lucky in that his kids are older and will be out of the house in a few years. My step-son was 4 when I met my husband (he's now 16). You just have to have an honest talk about your needs and he needs to lay out what he is determined to provide his children. You should not have to give up your dreams but he should not have to compromise how he wants to raise his kids. You both need to decide now if you can live with each others needs and if not, move on.
Kimberly - posted on 06/09/2013
You are nowhere close to ready to marry, let alone have a child with, this man. If you cared for him at all you would not ask him to do less for his children so you could do more for one who has yet to exist.
Your issues seem self centered and very premature.
You and your boyfriend need to have a serious, open conversation about finances and your feelings toward them or no match will ever last.
If you can not take him as is, you should not take him at all. It will only hurt his kids.
Jasmine - posted on 06/09/2013
If you resent them now it is only going to get worst. There will be no reasoning with him when they are in college or when they get out and can't find a job. He is their father who feels guilty about the break up of the family and since mom has bailed that guilt is only compounded and he loves them. Money and things is they way he is going to compensate for this and show them they are loved. To ask him to stop spending money on them or even curb it, is the equivalent to asking him to stop loving them, even if the spoiling is ruining them. I was a step child where my bio dad dealt with me and my step mom correctly. My step mother is a wonderful woman, but I knew she came first in my Dad's life. She was his wife. If he allowed me and my sister to ruin his marriage then we all would be worse off. The bio parent has to be the law and guard the marriage. If they won't or can't you are biting off a whole lot of pain and suffering. I am not saying your boyfriend is a bad guy, he sound like the loving guy who cares about his girls, but he does not seem to have the wisdom or will to do what needs to be done to create a functioning blended family. You can be the best step mom and if Dad is not doing his part it will all fall apart. Oh and I was a step mom who was the bread winner and sacrificed a lot for my step- daughter. I have walked that road and was willing to spend a lot of my money, time and energy on her. None of it did any good, because like your boyfriend, my husband loved his daughter, felt guilt and overcompensated in unhealthy ways. Unless you want a character building experience which will test your limits of self sacrifice, I suggest you move on.
Rebecca - posted on 06/09/2013
If you don't like the situation, you have the option to leave. However, you can't realistically expect to change an entire family dynamic in order to suit and fulfill your needs and desires without consideration for the family that YOU are stepping into.
Cathy - posted on 06/09/2013
Sweetie, all I can say is it absolutely will not change. Girlfriends come and go, but a kid is forever. You need to think long and hard about whether you want this to be your life, because it is what it is. Look at it from the kids point of view too. Their lives were ripped apart when their parents split up and it wasn't their choice to have you come into the picture. They depend on them for their survival and emotional well being, and that is his #1 job.
As an aside, if his daughter is good at hockey, the money he is spending might be worth it in the long run. Good field hockey players are in high demand, and she could well get a full college scholarship.
Jessica - posted on 06/09/2013
Sounds to me like you resent him, his children and his ex. You need to move on or suck it up. I've had 3, yes, 3 step dads. The first one moved us away from the only home I knew in high school and I was forced to give up a lot. They divorced 6 months later. Needless to say, I despised him then and still do now. Their mother will always be a factor, no matter if she's paying or not. Not sure why he has to give her money if he has full custody. If you can't accept the fact that she will always be in the background somewhere, that's another reason to move on.
It sounds like you don't want him to spend anything on his kids and spend it all on you. A real partner would want to get on board with helping him and his kids better themselves; and you wanting to better yourself for your relationship. It doesn't seem like you're interested in any of it.
Leigh - posted on 06/09/2013
I am confused. The mother does not contribute anything financially? Does she spend any time with them? Weekends and/or holidays? If not then this father is being mom and dad. My husband and i have been together for 19 years so i do not have any step children but i have two step dads. One that i consider to be my father. I've always called him dad. These are two teenage girls. You should be a role model. One is half your age. You should be very proud of her athletic ability and i agree with the other posts about sports. 25 grand is nothing compared to some sports year round! I coach gymnastics and i know first hand. My children are 17 and 14. Boy and a girl. If he is only spending $400 per season change on clothes then thats not very much! A good pair of sneakers are $100. You should not complain about that. I do not mean to be harsh with you but I want to be honest. I am a step child and your post made my jaw drop. If you feel this way so strongly then i am sure his daughters know how you feel as well. I assume these girls did not ask for you to be in the picture. Im sorry but your post sounds like a scrip for a lifetime movie about a evil step mother. Have you been truthful with your boyfriend about how you feel? If you have and he is willing to put you before his children then maybe you should think of how he may do the same one day to the child you two have together. I think you will be very unhappy in this marriage.sounds like you would be much happier with someone w/o any children and no debt. Does he have plans for his girls to attend college? I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness without hurting these young girls who are our future
Meg - posted on 06/09/2013
I wonder if the real issue here is the hockey, or even the expenses of his children at all. If he is spending large amounts of money on ANYTHING, without the two of you discussing your budget and financial goals - that is a red flag. Marriage is about respect and communication, both of which seem to be lacking here. Take the children out of the equation and ask him to go to a financial counselor with you. A neutral third party can address what percentage of income is appropriate for school expenses, after-school activities, etc., for a couple in your financial situation. Then, when you have a clearer picture of your life together with his children, you can make a better decision about trying for a baby, Frankly, this does not sound like a good atmosphere to bring an infant into. Think beyond your own gratification and put yourself in this child's shoes.
Lisa - posted on 06/09/2013
Well, there's a lot of issues coming into play here.
First up though. These are his children. They will come first. At least for while they are dependant. That's just a given. I have to say, I find this letter unusual because it's coming from a woman, not that women don't have any right to feel left out in a situation like this, but normally when I read about/hear about these types of complaints, it's from step-dad's not step-mom's.
Now, I know you wrote he is your boyfriend, not your spouse, so if you are truly disturbed or upset about what he spends on his children, you obviously have the option of walking away, finding someone you find more suitable, etc. I'm not saying this to sound callous, but I think this is an opportunity for you to really discern over your feelings on this. So, if you honestly cannot handle it, leaving is an option. If you truly love this person and want to spend the rest of your life with them, then you have other opportunities here, as well.
Just from what I've gotten from your letter, your bf at least sounds like a doting parent (if not possibly over compensating father- you did say that the kids' mom does not contribute financially, so there is always the possibility that their dad here is trying to make up for it). You can think of it this way: Should you and he ever decide to have children together, you can rest assured that he will be a loving, supportive dad who takes his role as care giver and provider seriously.
What you say he is spending on him DOES sound like a lot of money though. There are options here, as well. First of all, are your finances tied together? If so, then you might have some say in where spending goes. I'd leave any kind of schooling/sports money alone, because at least it sounds as if he's trying to provide opportunities for their future with that dough. But frivolous spending isn't necessary, especially in the times we live in today. Another option you have, is to keep your money/pay checks separate so to keep your money for you and your expenses alone. If he makes much more than you, it shouldn't be a problem, unless he feels you should be sharing everything if you're already very close, or if he has his own issues, that might stem from patriarchy.
One thing you did NOT mention was your situation and relationship with his children. The resentment could be as simple as the thought, "Well, they're not MY kids and I'm his significant other and I don't want him spending money/time on anyone that isn't directly connected to me." I'm not judging. I'm just saying that with blended families these types of feelings can arise and it's best to get them out in the open and study them closely, see if they can be changed. If you and the kids get along, this is great. If you want to be a parent someday, it's good to be able to have an opportunity like this where you are around kids and possibly help take care of them. If you have no interaction with them outside of their time spent with dad, make an effort. Step-children can still be YOUR children too, but always keep in mind that they do have a mom and, unless she's completely cut out of their lives, she will always be there, regardless of whether she's able to support them at this time.
If your relationship is NOT good with them, then perhaps that could be where any resentment lies. Step-children can be tough to deal with. They may resent YOU, may feel you're trying to take over their mom's role. Who knows? If your relationship is volatile, then maybe you should call for a family meeting, include their dad, and get all feelings out in the open. If necessary- especially if you're truly invested in this family and your relationship- get counseling with a professional.
But while a lot of parents have different approaches to child rearing and different budgets to spend on the kids, most parents will tell you that the kids will come first. Should you ever have any of your own (whether with this man or someone else down the road), you will understand. And if you want to become a stay-at-home mom, perhaps you and your s.o. should start setting aside funds right now for situations that might arise, so that you'll be better prepared for them once you're at home with your child.
Just try to discuss things openly with your partner and get the kids involved whenever possible. Also remember, these kids will be your child's older siblings, too, and they will all be family. I wish you good luck and happiness.
Noelle - posted on 06/09/2013
You're a selfish brat! I would say another distasteful word, all I read is money money money! Are you marrying this guy for the money??!? Jeez! It's his children. If they were your children would you be even writing this? Get over yourself. This most makes me so mad! How selfish can you be? My sister has two children and the father is really not in the picture. She puts her daughter in ballet and her son in soccer. Money is tight for her
Emma - posted on 06/09/2013
I am one of 'those' children that you,regretfully, resent.
I am 38 now & I have never forgotten how it hurt to be told that, "we cannot afford to keep spending money on you."
My 'step-mum' resented every penny spent on us and my dad was too much of a coward to disagree with her.
My sister & I were dressed in jumble sale clothes when at our dad's house
as our step-mother took a dislike to our perfectly adequate (store-bought) clothes supplied by our mother. She hated spending any money on us whatsoever & made this very clear.
You have chosen your partner & he has children. Children that need to be provided for & yes, at a great deal of expense. This is what you have signed up for.
I think you are selfish in thinking otherwise & probably very jealous.
If your not happy about this then you should move on as children should ALWAYS come first!
Anna - posted on 06/09/2013
I’m coming from the opposite side of things. I have full custody. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband makes about $15,000 per year and my sons father makes around $45,000. He pays about $375 a month plus he is required to have insurance on him. He is also required to pay half of medical bills but most of the time I don’t bother asking him because it’s such a pain. I also grew up with divorced parents and my mom received child support of $500 a month for three of us, plus my dad had insurance on us. His spouse was resentful of the support even though they could afford to buy new cars and remodel their house while we couldn’t afford our rent or food half to the time, let alone get new clothes for school (or even school lunch at that). His step kids didn’t have to worry though; they always had what they needed. I have a different perspective on this so I will try not to judge too hard because I’m sure you’re much nicer than my witch step mother was (she is still a witch and I haven’t been able to talk to my father since 2006 because she won’t let him!), but do understand that I’m a little less sympathetic because of what I’ve been through.
Ok, first off, you know what you are getting yourself into. Are you really prepared to deal with all of this? I know it’s frustrating, but you can’t just marry him and expect everything to change or you’ll be very disappointed. These are his KIDS. You probably won’t understand until you have kids of your own but if I married someone who tried to change all the activities my children were doing I’d be pissed. Not to mention that is a great way to ruin the relationship with his daughter. She may not ever get over that.
Second, have you talked about your fears/frustrations with your boyfriend? Maybe he doesn’t know that it bothers you. Sit down together and make a budget. $130,000 is a LOT of money. I know he also has a lot of debt too, but if you budget you should be able to make it work (I live off of $15,000 for crying out loud! It can be done!) Figure out ALL his debts, bills, monthly expenses, etc. See how much he is spending aside from that too. Also gather all information on income. Add it all up and see where you can make cuts (do you really need two cars? Can one be sold? Can you live in a less fancy house? Do you really need cable TV? Do you really need that credit card? Can you buy second hand? Etc.) After that, if there is any left over, have a SET amount you guys can spend on whatever. Sort of like an allowance. Once you are married you should get an even amount regardless of who makes more money. And once that allowance is gone, it’s gone until next time so too bad. Also, don’t forget savings! Put money aside for savings for things like the vasectomy reversal or IVF or the baby or emergencies, etc.
If he can afford all of this without your income he should be able to afford adding one more person to the mix (no reason you can’t stay at home. Babies are NOT that expensive unless you count hospital bills). Think carefully about the finance problems. Once you are married you’re in this together. Don’t forget that you KNOW what you are getting yourself into. Those payments to his ex might not go away for a while and you have to be prepared for that. If you have a plan in place BEFORE you get married it will make things easier.
Also, I agree that that is a LOT of money for a sport (more money than we live off of in a whole year!). Is there a cheaper team she can be on? If not, you really have to consider the fact that at this point, it is HIS money and HIS child. I don’t think you can reasonably expect to come into a marriage KNOWING this is important to her and then just change everything. If you do that, you’ll be starting a conflict that might not ever end. Be careful, you are treading on dangerous waters there. But DO make sure you discuss it in a kind way. Don’t just marry him and be resentful about it. Talk about the situation!
Maybe you guys can get by with you working just part time once the baby comes. We got by without me working at all. We just had to make a few sacrifices but it was SO worth it. I’d rather be poor and stay at home raising my son than have money but have him in daycare. That is an individual choice though and you need to think about it carefully. You might find you miss working anyways. My sis in law couldn’t be a stay at home mom if you paid her! Also, babies really don’t cost that much unless you want designer everything. I paid for everything my son needed for the first 3 months of his life with $600. No joke. I literally couldn’t spend more than that because we don’t have credit cards. That doesn’t include the gifts I got for my baby shower, but I think you get the point. It doesn’t need to cost that much money.
Also, you may consider talking to your boyfriend about having his kids work their way through college and only paying for a portion of their schooling instead of the whole tuition. That would also save money.
Good luck! Just make sure you don’t cause a huge conflict. That is NOT the way to start a marriage. Be sensitive to his kids wants and needs. You don’t need to let them walk all over you but you do need to be careful. His kids were there first, just remember that.
Jane - posted on 06/09/2013
It feels like there are a few issues going on here.
Firstly, most people would agree that is crazy money to spend on a hobby (unless she is truly serious about pursuing Hockey as a career). Is there a cheaper compromise you could hash out between you?
However, I sense this is issue is more symptomatic of a bigger problem. It feels a little like you resent the children's drain on the potential future you could have had if they were not around. I'm sure you care for them, but you pose the 'what if' possibilities throughout your question.
The reality is they are around, and will always have a major place in their father's heart (and pocket!). If you cannot accept and find peace with that I urge you not to consider starting a family with him. When you have a bio child of your own this resentment may grow to epic proportions if your child is denied things at the expense of your stepchildren. It is a massive step and I suggest you hold off until other things have been resolved.
The final issue that stands out in your question is the one of how you will handle it if the vasectomy reversal is not successful. Could you cope with seeing him with 'his' children and not having a bio one of your own? Would he really want to adopt (or would you) if this is not possible.
As a step parent and a bio parent I know how difficult these issues are and, even though I deeply love my now grown up step child, there were many of these feelings I had to manage over the years (23 years!!). Even now the marriage of my step son has generated some difficult feelings.
Maybe family or couples counselling would help you resolve or come to terms with these issues and give some clear guidelines on negotiables and non-negotiables.
Kristen - posted on 06/09/2013
If he has full custody what is he paying the x for? Alimony? Seriously 25k not 2,500? How can he justify 1/6 of his gross income for this? That is crazy! He needs to watch Susie Ormond! You need to put all income & expenses in black & white and talk to the kids about where the family is in regard to money. If/when you get married all is will put a strain on the marriage, the resentment for what he is spending. Maybe you need to step back and see is this the path you want to choose? BTW kids are expensive but being a parent isn't always fun, saying no to what your kids want to keep the family from financial strain is the necessity not the child's happiness!
Melissa - posted on 06/09/2013
I think that you have to come to a place where you just swallow it or you h e to move on. IF this is as big an issue as it seems then maybe, I'm sorry to say this isn't the situation for you. I'm sure he does for his girls bc of love/guilt/making up for an absent parent...I mean all us single parents do what we think will heal missing a parent...these things will
Probably not change, marriage is hard enough, is it smart to start with such big issues? I hope you all work at it and find common ground.
TINA - posted on 06/09/2013
I love how some of you are attacking a woman who is asking for advice. At no point did she ever state that she didn't care for the kids but thought it was unreasonable to spend that much money on Hockey. I agree there is no woman's teams that she can play at a professional level and few if any college teams either. That is an outrageous expense for something that is merely a hobby. If it was an investment into something that could help her in the future I would be all for it but realistically what is she going to do with it? Especially at $25k a year. Maybe she could find a less expensive program. He could be saving that money for her to go to college with no expense to herself.
Geo you have to do what a lot of us have suggested and sit down with him and have a real conversation about your feelings about everything from his children to the expenses and the idea of having your own children down the line. I think it is great that you are able to express what parts of your relationship you are unhappy with. I dated a man with children and failed to do this and although I adored his children and felt we were doing well together he didn't want any more kids. He was very adamant about this. Unfortunately we never talked about it and after a year together I discovered this. It was very hard to walk away.
Elyria - posted on 06/09/2013
I understand how you feel, I have been there. Here's the thing though: if you plan to get married and have kids with this man, then it's probably time to start thinking of these girls as your kids too. If your bio child loved hockey, would you take it away because of the cost?
I see two things that may be better avenues for change, first, talk with your boyfriend about the shopping sprees. That is a problem that can be curbed with just a little effort.
The second is the money paid to the ex. I do not know the details, but maybe you two can find a way to limit what she gets.
Hang in there.
Janine - posted on 06/09/2013
I admire your honesty and the fact that you know exactly how you want your life to be. The fact is you decided to have a relationship with a man who already has children. I think it is only fair as you said that the mother contribute to her children. That being said that would also mean you should also contribute financially to any children you two should have. That may not be possible if you are a stay at home mom. While the amount being spent on a sport may seem a lot to you I assume she was playing hockey before you two started dating. Sports serve many purposes and robbing her of something she loves may cause tension in not only her relationship with you but also the father-daughter relationship. Yes if you guys can sit and budget that would be great, however it may be better to move on painful though it may be.
Diana - posted on 06/09/2013
JPatrick, I completely respect your decision to leave. It's not what you wanted or desired. Instead of imposing or trying to change it, you took the road less traveled. You probably would have been resented and vice a versa. Kudos to you!
Krista - posted on 06/09/2013
I feel for you, really I do. I am guessing you knew he had the kids, and custody, as well as knew the financial arrangement between him and his wife.
I have no advice on how to bring it to a place where you feel okay with it, but you need to sit down and talk with him about all of this, and get yourself to a place where you can be okay with it. Kids are expensive, they cost a lot of money. Maybe you do not see the purpose in his daughter attending hockey school, but if it is an established activity and something she loves, why take that away from her? Instead of you feeling resentful, she will then resent you and see you as the one who took her activity away from her.
Maybe you and your boyfriend could research alternatives to the expensive hockey school that would offer the same opportunities, or meet your step-daughters needs in the same way. Ask her what she wants from hockey, what aspect of the sport is most important to her? If the mom's job pays as highly as you say, he should be able to return to court and get an order that she contributes to the costs, since they are such a big expense.
Biggest suggestion I can give is sitting down with your boyfriend and laying it all on the line, how much it really bothers you and trying to find a solution that will work for everyone. And if you feel the finances are a potential deal breaker, let him know just how important and serious the issue is for you. If he loves and respects you as much as you deserve, he will find a way to work through it all with you.
Tracy - posted on 06/09/2013
The 1st thing I want to say is that I'm glad you're being honest about how you feel. The 2nd thing is that if this is a situation you really can't live with then you might want to consider moving on. I can't really express an opinion on the Hockey. While I do think that's an awful lot of money to spend, I also wasn't aware that there were "Hockey Schools". Is she maybe hoping/trying to get a scholarship to college with the Hockey?
I was married & had a daughter with my first husband. We divorced & I got custody. I'm now remarried & have a 2 year old with my 2nd husband. Kids are expensive & there's no getting around that. My teenage daughter lives for clarinet & I've spent a small fortune supporting her love of clarinet. She hopes to get a scholarship for college & I hope she does as well. I will do the same for my 2 year old. However, I would never put myself in a financial bind or debt just to support their interests. My teenager was into soccer for a while when she was younger, but one season I just couldn't afford it anymore so she didn't get to play. Was she disappointed? Sure, but she kind of liked eating too. lol
Sometimes people have to make tough choices about what is best for everyone involved. If your boyfriend feels that he can afford to pay the $25 k a year for her hockey school, but it really bothers you as much as it seems to, then maybe it's time for you to move on.
Diana - posted on 06/09/2013
Danielle, I disagree. You are NOT your step-daughters bio mother. I understand that you and your husband have a child together. You married in to an established family. You don't out rank the established family members. You will blend in, but not out rank. This is exactly why my father never remarried. He didn't want some woman to impose her presence.
Becky - posted on 06/09/2013
In a nutshell... did you know he had 2 kids, (and full custody/responsibility of) when you met/fell in love with him? If the answer is yes, then it is what it is. Being a stepparent is never easy in any situation; if you continue to resent the time/money/attention that he spends on his kids, it will eventually drive the two of you apart.
It also sounds like there are other issues you two will be addressing, aside from his kids, ie: reversing vasectomy/IVF/ex-wife..that would cause stress in ANY couple, add in the stepkids... the road ahead looks pretty long and rocky. ..I sympathize with you....sometimes you just cant help who you fall in love with... but if you cant find your way to accepting things how they are..the resentment will only keep building.. The best lesson Ive learned so far is that 'you can be right, or you can be happy.. but you cant always be both' Good luck to all of you!
Sileste - posted on 06/09/2013
I married a man with a 15 year old daughter that he had 100% custody of. It was hell getting her and I together. My husband just stood back and figured we'd come together eventually. We did, kicking and screaming, but not until she moved out with a family of her own. Dad didn't have any rules and my step-daughter was basically allowed to do as she pleased. I was completely against that and I did change things quite a bit. That's probably why she hated me so much in the beginning, but now she thanks me for giving her the guidance she hadn't had. We get along great and my husband laughs that she calls and talks to me more than him.
All I can suggest is that if you really love this man, you must remember that he and the kids are a package deal. BEFORE you get married you need to go to counseling so that you and he can be on the same page about the raising of the kids. Unfortunately, my husband and I didn't do that until after we were married. The two of you HAVE TO BE on the same page so that the kids cannot play you against each other. Dad HAS TO stand behind you in every decision you make when he is not around. It's a lot of work, but not impossible.
Now let's talk about the seasonal clothing. That's normal, in my eyes. When I was growing up I got new summer clothes and new school clothes every year....didn't you? Now, my grandchildren get new summer clothes and new school clothes every year because grandma buys them for them. I put a limit on myself though. I buy each child 3 outfits. I have 3 younger grandchildren, ages 7, 7 and 8. I also have 2 older grandchildren, ages 17 and 20. I no longer buy for the 20 year old and the 17 year old will get only a couple outfits.
Anyway, this is about the best advice I can give you. And don't forget that there are times you may not be #1. Good luck. And if I can be of any assistance to you, please feel free to get in touch with me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Monica - posted on 06/09/2013
I see a couple of issues.
1. He is spending more than he can afford on his kids. If you have to pay for stuff for him, then he is not living with in his means.
2. Where does their mother sit with all of this? Why isn't she paying for half of everything? Or at least contributing something!!
3. why does your fiance have full custody and not 50/50?
Unless the mom is on drugs or abusive, custody and placement are usually shared. If he has the kids, is he paying her alimony? I agree with some previous posters about giving a limit to clothes shopping and they have to stick with it, even if it means only buying 5 outfits. Chances are, some clothes fit from the year before.
What needs to happen is for you two to sit down and create a budget. This much every month goes to debts, this much to fun stuff, this much to bills, and this much into the savings account. Include both your incomes in the monthly budget and see how quickly the debt can be paid off. Start with the lowest debt and get one knocked out at a time. Show the budget to the kids. The 11 y/o probably wont understand as mine is 12 and she has not concept of money and thinks it grows on trees LOL!!
But be reasonable and ask him what his goals are in life. Does he want his debts paid off? Does he want a vacation? The same thing would be if the kids were yours, his, our both of yours together. . . EVERYONE needs to sacrifice here. Parents and kids an order to get ahead. HE needs to make that decision of what is priorities are and see if they match with yours. I am a big advocate in that parents should split all expenses 50/50. I make a good $10 more an hour than my ex. Although we have only one kids together. We split everything in half, from day care to medical expenses to activities. ALthough he still lives with his mom (at 41 y/o) and does not have many monthly bills and I do. He also takes her 50% of the time.
Hope this helps
Evangelyna - posted on 06/09/2013
I agree with a lot of the other posters. I don't think this relationship is a good match. In your comment you mentioned that you're used to always being the number one in your relationships, when you commit to someone who already has kids that expectation should immediately go out the window. You also said you want to try to make it work before throwing in the towel. That's admirable and I understand not wanting to throw away a good thing if you can learn to make it work but it will take a change on both sides. You both have to be willing to recognize your faults and what needs to be changed.
Yes, 25,000 is a lot of money for hockey but with that kind of investment I think it is more than just a hobby. Obviously she must be very talented and have a potential future in hockey. No one, no matter how much they love their child, would spend that kind of money on something mediocre that wasn't a passion. The shopping sprees are probably his way of overcompensating for the divorce, they're not necessary by any means especially since they live with him but dads feel guilt too! It's not just "mommy guilt" that exists.
You have to realize that you're coming into THEIR lives, you have to try to fit with them, they shouldn't have to try to accommodate your lifestyle especially when their lives have been a certain way for 15 and 11 years. You can't expect him to sacrifice the kids he has now because you want to be a stay at home mom IF you ever have kids in the future. A vasectomy is a HUGE deal, people don't just jump into them blindly, you really need to communicate with him and find out if this is really what he wants too or if he's just trying to make you happy. You also have to think about his age, he's 43! In no way is that old but for starting all over with kids when his are already out the door maybe you're not on the same page. TTC can take years, you're not even married yet, you two having a baby is still in the very early stages of discussion which means it could still be a few years before you even start trying. At which point he will be older. If you had a baby now, he'd be 61 years old by the time the kid was 18. He would probably be a grandfather too. And that's if you had a baby now. I knew a girl who's dad was in his 60s when she was in middle school and then he passed away before she even reached 21.
Another issue is your obvious resentment and detachment from his family. The tone of your post makes me feel you two getting married wouldn't be good for you, his girls or him. I imagine, from what I'm getting from him that he will always try to please all of the women in his life and won't complain about it. He sounds like the kind of guy who will just say, "yes dear" and try to make things work. To me that's sad especially if you're going to be harboring resentment and jealousy while he is doing his best as a dad and will continue to do his best as a husband.
If you want the lifestyle where you're the center of attention, you're the number one person in your significant others life and the child you share together will be treated like royalty and you'll never have to work again. You need to find someone who can give you that life. Someone single, closer to your age and well off.
Kids aren't stupid, even if you put on a fake smile and pretend to like or love them but deep inside you resent the strain they put on the life you want, they will know. I come from a blended family. My dad was married and had 2 kids before he met my mom. My mom and dad had 2 kids together, me and my brother. Not once did my mom ever treat me and my brother any different from my other siblings. We never said, step-brother/sister, or half-brother/sister. We were all just siblings. My mom understood that and is the kind of person who is capable of loving my oldest two siblings from our dads first marriage the same way she loves me and my brother. My oldest brother is married, he has 2 children and another on the way, his wife is a stay at home mom and he is slowly going the course to become a doctor. My mom adores the grandchildren! My dad recently had to help my brother with some bills. My mom did not resent the fact that the son from his first marriage needed money. She wishes they could help them more! My sister is getting married in October and has a beautiful daughter with her fiancé. Our dad, her mom and my mom always supported her endeavors. My sister went to culinary school to become a pastry chef because that was her passion, my mom, her step-mom, was more than happy to drive the 3 hours to go to her graduation. When she was having her daughter in a different state my mom said to our dad, "you go, we can't afford for us both to go so you go and send me pictures." Because she knows what it meant for him to be there for his daughter. That's what parents are supposed to do. It shouldn't be his kids vs our kids. You need to be a family. If you can't see his daughters as yours and love them as your own it will never work.
My dad was always overcompensating financially because of the guilt he felt over the divorce. He always paid child support, he was always there for all 4 of us but still felt the need to take the oldest 2 shopping, to the movies, out to eat whenever he saw them. We would go see our siblings every weekend without fail and he would go see them other times during the week after work as well. My dad was and is an exceptional dad. Every choir concert, graduation, sporting event, birthday, holiday, every important event in our lives he has been there.
While he always made us priority and my mom always supported that, he also made sure his marriage was happy. He was as committed to my mom as he was to his children. My mom was used to a very extravagant lifestyle, she grew up very well off. When they got married my mom knew that she couldn't continue the life she had but my dad still did his best to give her the things she wanted. She wanted to go to Italy with a friend and he saved and cut back on a few things for a while to make that trip happen for her while paying for my tuition.
My point is you can be happy, you can have a good life with him if you really want it but you have to put forth the effort and break down the wall of them and us. If you get married they're not just going to be "his daughters" they're going to be yours too. You're going to have to modify your expectations and your lifestyle to fit into the family you're trying to be a part of. His daughters won't be going away ever. It doesn't matter if they're 15 and 11 or in their 40s, they will ALWAYS be around to varying degrees. There are times when my dad will drive 7 hours to go see my brother and his family by himself because even at almost 30, with his own house, wife and children, me and my siblings are still my dads children. We will ALWAYS be his children and he will ALWAYS want what's best for us and ALWAYS do everything he can for us and want to be involved in our lives.
Your boyfriend is a package deal and you're going to have to accept and love the entire package if you want this to work. There's no doubt in my mind after what you said about him that he will do his best to give you everything you want and feel bad when he can't but you have to be realistic in your expectations or move on.
I don't judge you, I don't think you're a bad person I also don't think you're a selfish person. You just sound like someone who is used to a certain lifestyle and want to continue that lifestyle but can't because the man you are with has other priorities and responsibilities above you. YOU have to change and he has to figure out his finances. But it's not all on him and his girls to sacrifice for you. You have to sacrifice and change for them.
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