Respecting house rules

Claire - posted on 10/01/2013 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone, u hope you are well. I need advice about my 17yr old daughter who lies in bed until lunchtime every day. She has a boyfriend this last few years and this last few weeks he has started showing up randomly & staying in my home when he's not supposed to be. My daughter has dropped out of college & is ruining her future. She spends that much time with her boyfriend that she's going around like an old married woman. I caught them the other night having sex under my roof and told them under no circumstances would her boyfriend be staying again, and low a d behold he turns up at my door yesterday evening. I was thinking of asking my daughter to move out, i told her that if she wants to be with her boyfriend full time, she wasn't doing it under my roof. The cheek I get off my daughter is unreal. In the beginning it was supposed to be my daughter spending one Saturday night with her boyfriend at his family's house & the next sat night in our house, but she rarely goes to his house and wants the boyfriend up in our home almost all the time. She doesn't bother about her friends at all, she seems to only have eyes for him. It's got to the stage now that I'm so fed up with them banging round my home making noise every chance they get & when I mention it to her boyfriends father he doesn't seem to care, as long as its not in his home. This situation is so stressful so any advice would be kindly appreciated. Thankyou In advance for reading this xx

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Nelida - posted on 10/02/2013

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Please be advice that your daughter is still a minor so you have every right to control what she dose in your home she lives under your roof she has to live under your rules ! As for the bf inof is inof ! Call the cops if you have to

Suzanne Potter - posted on 10/02/2013

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Hi Claire,
Well, I feel for you! I can tell you being one of 3 girls growing up… I was the "Good One" of the 3 of us. I saw my parents try all of the things that people are talking about on here, except kicking my sister's out, and the issues we had weren't boyfriends staying over repeatedly. But if they could have gotten away with it, they would have! My dad was an airline pilot so he was home, but was absent too. My mom is a tough lady and you didn't want to cross her, well I didn't!

Since you are getting absolutely NO help or RESPECT from your daughter's boyfriends family, which BLOWS, BTW, You are going to have to STICK to your GUNS about YOUR RULES… PERIOD! This is what I would say: If they want to see each other OUTSIDE of your house, then that is fine, but not when you are not home and certainly no spending the night. Or whatever your house rules are. Time for you to take back your POWER!
This is what my parents did when I was dating my ex husband when I was 17 and my parents didn't want me to date him, they told me I could NOT bring him to our house, I could NOT go on dates with him, and so forth… Well you know what happens when parents tell you "NO" it just makes it more enticing! But I respected their rules about NOT bringing him to their house! Oh if hindsight were 20/20! lol They had a good reason for not liking him… I just couldn't see it!

Teenagers at your daughter's age are trying to "Break Away" from us so they can go out and live their own lives. I think it is much harder for us than it is for them! It was for me with my first born, my only girl!

The more you push, the more she will pull, without any strict guidelines, and CLEAR CUT RULES! And CONSISTENCY IS KEY! You cannot WAIVER or you will LOSE THE WAR!
She might get mad at you, but she will end up RESPECTING YOU a hell of a lot more in the long run! I can guarantee you that! She wants rules! And she is probably waiting to see how far she can PUSH you, and how much you will take. I wouldn't EVER tell her she is not welcome in your house though. Not unless she was abusive to you or something. It doesn't sound like that is the case here at all though. I really think she is waiting for you to PULL the EMERGENCY BRAKE and PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN FOR GOOD!

You don't need a stupid CONTRACT for that! Those DON't work! If your child is so good to begin with WHY would you have them sign one? I trust ALL of my 4 kids and would NEVER make CONTRACTS! Their Grandpa's an ATTY too! It is called RESPECT! You show your child respect, they will show you respect…

I hope I have given you something you can use! I KNOW you can get through this! You just need to remember that she is NOT THE BOSS, YOU ARE! YOU PAY THE MORTGAGE, YOU MAKE THE RULES, AND SHE IS THE KID!! AND KIDS CRAVE RULES!! NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE! THEY WANT TO KNOW THEIR MOM'S ARE IN CHARGE! That way if something bad happens, they know you can fix it! ;D

Hang in their, and get the RESPECT you deserve!

All my Best!

SPT

Queen Of My - posted on 10/02/2013

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I think everyone has some really valid points and ideas here. If it were me, I would take her out to do something she enjoys where you can have a mature and non confrontational discussion. Treat her like an adult. Explain that although she feels like an adult and IS capable of making her own decisions, you have a few years life experience on her which enable you to see around corners she can't yet. Be calm no matter how she reacts and tell her this is coming from love. Explain you are concerned with the amount of time they are spending together and why you are concerned. Give her some power - she needs it - but lay down ground rules you cannot negotiate on - like guests past x time. The things that have room for negotiation, let her negotiate (ie: how many nights per week he can visit).
Tell her you don't want your last months or years of her living at home to be negative and set up a night that is just for you two to do something you will enjoy. No friends, boyfriends, homework etc.
It sounds like she needs some attention and affection as well as validation that she is mature and capable - give her that - but don't compromise your beliefs.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/01/2013

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Claire, I wasn't judging, just reading the situation as I see it.

The kid's dad (who isn't cooperating) isn't really your problem, because it's YOUR house! If the kid can't respect the house rules, he doesn't come in the door. If it takes the cops to remove him, so be it.

You can't help that he wasn't brought up to respect the house rules of others, but it doesn't mean you have to let him in, and your daughter needs to grow up if she's in college.

And good for you, going back to school. I found that I got MUCH more out of my education by waiting until I was mature enough to appreciate it, rather than just going to college because "that's what you do after HS"... Working at a University myself has only confirmed my belief that it's better to wait until you can appreciate the money you're spending on education. Good luck with your studies!

Claire - posted on 10/01/2013

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You know, when a young person gets an idea into their head, there isn't much anyone can do to change their mindset. But, as parents, if need be we have got to let them make their own mistakes and let THEM learn from them. After all they will be their mistakes to make..I told my daughter that if she moved out now, she would go through no bigger learning curve, and it would be the makings of her. She would find out all about what it was like to grow up..

17 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 10/03/2013

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Hello Claire,
I had the same thing happen to my family with my step-daughter, except the boyfriend wasn't at our house all the time, but she did stop hanging out with friends, or going anywhere, it even got to the point she wouldn't go out with us as a family. All because she didn't want to upset her boyfriend. We tried everything we knew, banning her for talking to him, taking away her cell phone, talking til we were blue in the face and even counselling. Nothing worked. The moment she turned 18 and I mean MOMENT (12:01 AM) the boyfriend was at the door to pick her up and take her to live with him. She has been up there for over a year now. She DID graduate high school and is working a full time job and is still with the guy.
Maybe you SHOULD tell her it's your house and she will follow your rules and if she doesn't like it, there is the door. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes they need a good swift kick of reality to straighten up. My step daughter did. Sure she isn't going to collage BUT that is not the end of the world and she is working full time to take care of herself and her boyfriend.

Leslie - posted on 10/02/2013

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I agree with doing all you can do to meet her emotional and spiritual needs. Perhaps counseling for you both? A chance to talk and air grievances? Does she feel abandoned by anyone, hence the boyfriend and sex? Sexual behavior that young and that bold (in your house) usually speaks to a child who has unmet needs.

OroStoll - posted on 10/02/2013

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This is great advise. I was just going to post about communication & Explaining why you feel strongly about your decisions.

OroStoll - posted on 10/02/2013

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This is hard to deal with for a parent. I watched my single Mother struggle with her 3 children (1girl & 2 boys) and she is still struggling with 2 and they are grown.
Rules are a start and reinforcing them also.
This age is difficult to deal with because they want to do what they want to do and they know what they are doing and so on. I would not allow this boy to come over and do what he wants. He is taking advantage of her from what I've read. If his parents aren't disciplining then you need to take other measures. It is your house and she is under age and living at home. Are you a single Mom?

Archie - posted on 10/02/2013

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Only thing i notice here is that your daughter is very attracted or smitten by this guy so much so that she has chosen to ignore you and her friends. That tells me that she is sticking to someone who gives her lots of undivided attention.

What if you try that on her? Just a long shot ..but it cant hurt! If it works out then atleast she will be back on track with studies and lay off her BF. Am sure you need her to finish her education more than you need her to do anything else currently.

I wish you luck...use love...it always works!!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/01/2013

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keep us posted on your progress Claire!

Legal studies...a big bite to take, and special people required to accomplish it. Here's to your success!

Cheers!

Claire - posted on 10/01/2013

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Thankyou Shawn, and thankyou for the advice. I really appreciate it at the moment, more than you know xo

Claire - posted on 10/01/2013

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Roxane, she is moving out. With regards the baby thing, she is on contraception which lasts 3 years. I took her down to the doctors office myself and she had the implanon implant injected into her arm. I did this not because I was encouraging her to become intimate with anyone, but because I didn't/don't want her to fall pregnant at a young age and ruin her life.

Claire - posted on 10/01/2013

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I did set limits in the beginning Shawn, I wasn't brought up to have every Tom, Dick & Harry coming into my home, and I don't expect that behaviour from my daughter. But I'm fighting a loosing battle when I don't have the support of the young lads father. I never had a boyfriend myself until I was 19 years of age, and the only person to ever meet my family was the children's father. So the only other way of removing him from my premises is by force. My children's father and I are not together anymore, and he is living in another country, and as usual( most of the time), its the man who walks out of the equasion and leaves the woman to single handedly bring up the children. so as a single mother I am doing the best I can under difficult circumstances, and didn't come onto this forum to be judged by anyone else. Nobody on this earth has 'perfect angelic' children. It is genuine advice I want, not a 'lecture' thankyou. Now I must get back to my legal studies as I am training to be a solicitor/lawyer. Went back to school as a mature student after taking time out to raise my two kids..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/01/2013

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Time to lay out the rules in writing. If she's in Uni, she is capable of reading and understanding a contract.

When my son graduated HS, we had a contract for his continuing to live at home, outlining his responsibilities, our responsibilities, and what was expected of both parties. If he didn't adhere to it (which wasn't very hard, as he's a good kid, and didn't really NEED a contract) he knew that I could tell him to hit the road.

As with any adult sharing your household, you should have responsibilities and expectations clearly outlined. If you're not charging room & board, perhaps it's time to think of doing so. Otherwise, you'll continue to get walked all over and disrespected. This treatment from your daughter stems in part from your willingness to give in to her (letting bf sleep over to begin with...if you didn't want them screwing, why did you even allow him to sleep in your home?) She saw that she got away with that, so she upped the ante. Every time you allow this, she'll up it again.

Setting limits earlier on would have helped avoid this problem. Since limits weren't adhered to in the beginning, she will think she doesn't have to do so now, making your fight all the tougher.

Time to sit down, figure out a mutual contract that you can both sign and adhere to. If she doesn't think that will work for her, set a time limit for her to be out of your house and into her own space where she can live as she wants to.

Enna - posted on 10/01/2013

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I think it's time to get her out of the house. She obviously doesn't respect your rules. And until she has to be responsible for herself she won't get motivated. And what happens if she gets pregnant? Are you going to take care of her AND the baby?

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