Run away daughter

Martha - posted on 03/28/2009 ( 39 moms have responded )

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This question if for a friend of mine. Her 19 year old daugther met a guy on the internet from another state. Now she is planning on leaving with him on Monday? She's 19 and won't listen to any advise. She says she is going tolive with him and get a job in Texas. He is a student and works but as far as we know has no parents. Anyway, her mom is devastated because she is just going to loose her daughter. Any advise would be really appreciated. Help!

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Tracy - posted on 03/31/2012

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Make sure that their daughter has a pre-paid phone card and a knowledge that her parents are always there if she needs them. Ask her to touch base every other day at first and at a set time. Tell her that if she doesn't after not hearing from her for 24 hours her parents can declare her as :missing" That knowledge that they are keeping her safe by knowing where she is and that she is ok, will set parameters for them to stay involved with her and ensure her safety as much as possible.

Shirley - posted on 03/28/2009

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I know that nothing is going to easy your mind at this point. I left home when I was 18 it was not to live with a guy. I thought that I knew it all. It ended up that the longer I was away from home the smarter my parents became (funny how this works).You don't ever stop loving your parents, or try to go against their wishes, but do need to make choices for yourself. I was never able to move back home, but did have a much better relationship with my parents after I left. I am older now and have grown up children of my own. It is hard to let go and give them the freedom to make their own choices, but there does come a time when you find out that as a parent you did a good job and your children are now responsible adults. Good luck to your friend, I hope that everything goes well.

Leanne - posted on 03/29/2009

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Hi there,i have a friend who did run away with a fella 2yrs ago,and like your friend tryed every rule in the book to stop her going but even the police couldnt stop her as she was over 18.

Like others have said tell your friend never to shut the door on her daughter and keep reg conntact maily by phone calls cus that way she will no if somethink is wrong she can always return home and if the conntact is regular maybe just maybe she will come home and have a relationship with both her fella and her family

Anne - posted on 03/29/2009

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Our daughter moved out in a huff about 4 years ago and to live with her boyfriend she had met about 7 weeks before. It all summer before she called. She was in the same city so I was able to learn how she was doing for mutual people that knew them. To make along story shorter, With a lot of Prayer by many people our relationship was restored. She moved away to college to another state (without the boyfriend). She will graduate from college in May and she is dating this kid anymore. The two things that hopefully make a difference are 1 Pray Pray Pray, 2 Keep the lines of communication open. I will be Praying for you and your friend and her daughter.

[deleted account]

Sadly, the advice is to accept this. We all have to find our own way in life and this is the way she is going. Provide her with a phone card or prepaid mobile, assure her she can come back and let her stretch her wings.

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Martha - posted on 03/31/2009

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Thank you all for your advise and for sharing your experience with me. This is not my friends daughter. It is my sister's daughter and I will give my sister your advise. She has actually already told her she loves her not matter what and that when she is ready to come home, all she has to do is ask and the doors are open. She will even go get her herself when she is ready.

Thank you all who offered your prayers as well and receive the Lord's blessing in return.

[deleted account]

all she can do is be there for her at 19yrs old she is not going to able to change her mind, or make her stay.. but if she lets her go, her daugther will know she can come back when ever she wants.  back ground check sounds like a good idea, but telling her you love her and will always be there for her is the most important thing she can for her daughter now that she has decided to go. if she makes easier for her to leave, then she would be more welcome to visit her after she has gone

Amber - posted on 03/31/2009

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I left California for my boyfriend when I was 18, only 6 months after I finished high school.  I moved to Louisiana.  I staied for a little over a year before I came back home.  I actually broke up with my boyfriend only 5 months into being there.  But I stayied there.  The reason I am telling you this is maybe it might shed some light.  I left with the guy as a excuse, but I staied a bit longer.  I needed to prove not only to my mom and dad that I could be independant but to myself too.  I needed to see if I could do it. 



 



But I did come home after a while.  I still live on my own but we are in the same city now.  I guess it was a little rebellion, but also a need to prove myself to myself.

Aleta - posted on 03/31/2009

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as a girl who did the same thing except with a man over twice my age.. she nor i wanted to hear anyhing we wanted to feel grown up, like on her own but just like jamie galloway i came RUNNING home!

Laura - posted on 03/31/2009

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I hate to say it but when I finished high school, I had to get away from my parents. It's funny because my story sounds a lot like Jean Trotter's (above). I worked as many hours as I could in high school and baby sat. My money went to my parents to pay bills. They had twins when I was 15...I became built-in babysitter. Not fun when you are starting to have a social life.

My boyfriend at the time (we had been dating since the summer before our senior year in high school) actually turned down a full ride scholarship to another state's university to be closer to me. We dated for another year, and during the summer I never went back to my parent's house to live. 11 years and one child later, I have been married to my high school sweetheart. Sure we have our ups and downs, and everyone thought it would never last.

But it has, and he is my biggest supporter. I say if the family has met him, and she has known him for a couple of years...then let her go. It's up to her to decide if it's right for her or not. She's the only one who can live her life...for better or worse. All you can do is support her decisions, no matter how wrong you think they may be.

[deleted account]

Where I live, you can move out at 16.



I wanted to move out of my parents house when I was 16. I lived in a very controlled enviroment. I was treated as a third income and third parent to my sister and brother. I had friends etc who offered me places to live. Whenever I had mentioned it to my Mother she woudl get very diffensive about it saying I would never be able to afford it as I was in Debt at the age of 18 (due to my parents making me get hire purchases out for them as they had bad credit, they would guilt trip me into it).



I was finally able to move out shortly after my 21st. My partner moved in and after a few weeks my parents true colours showed. They started to treat him the way they treated me. When we moved out, my Mum tried making our family believe that my partner was controlling me. My family knew she was telling lies as they knew how she was treating me.



The only thing I can say is to be supportive of her, let her know you are all there for her. So if she does get in to trouble that she can coem back home. The worst thing that they could do is be very negative about it, and if it ends on bad terms for her, she won't feel like she could go back home.   

Rachel - posted on 03/31/2009

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At 19 she is a woman, i met my now husband at 16 and married him at 19 and moved to a different country. It was always going to be him i choose, at that age your old enough to know your own mind but not wise enough to understand the implications of your decisions, luckily my mum was wise enough to understand and supported me. Even though we lived in different countrys we remained close and after a couple of years my husband and i (along with our daughters) moved back to england and now live around the corner from my mum. It's your friends turn to be wise and supportive now because if things dont work out for her daughter she's going to need her mum to come home to.

Diane - posted on 03/31/2009

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just be supportive. She is grown and needs to make her own mistakes. If she wants a relationship with her daughter she must grit her teeth and bare it. If not she risks losing her forever. You may not be with her but don't be against her. Remember how you were when you were 19. And always forgive. LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL!!!!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 03/31/2009

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Quoting Martha:

Martha,



If she knows this guy for a few years and the family has met him and has nothing really bad to say other than he is just a kid, there shouldnt be that big of an issue... She is "technically" an adult and can make that choice, and I agree with another mother stating it will only fuel her intentions, if many are resisting her and trying to convince her otherwise... I remember I was in a similar predicament, (except the guy lived in the same state) and I moved with him, and it didnt work out.. I ended up wanting to come back home short time after, as it just wasnt the "same" when we lived together... So.. dont fret.. she will come back.. but on her OWN terms... not by being forced to come back by the family... Just let her feel like she is the one making the decisions....



Quoting Kynda:




It is easy and relatively cheap to do a background check on him.   She can also see if he will come visit, meet the family, so that she can get a better feel for him.  She should be willing to pay for the plane ticket.









Thank you  Kynda for your reply.  She has known him for  a few years over the internet.  He has come to visit her an her family.  He doesn't get to stay in her house because there are rules and traditions.  He stays in a hotel near by.  She went to visit him twice.  The first time she bought a ticket and didn't tell her mom until after she had bought it and planned the trip.  Her mother did not want her to go but after arguing back and forth and threatening to go anyway, her mother ended up going with her to meet this guy herself.  It all went well.  The next time her father took her to meet this guy.  Now she says she can't stand living at home and will go live with him.  She left the house on Friday and is staying with friends who are enabling her.  Her mom does not know when she is planning to leave or where she will be staying.  The guys supposedly is training to be a cop.  I met him when he came to visit.  He just stayed in the room on the internet or playing video games.  They are both just kids.





 

Wendi - posted on 03/31/2009

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shes 19!!! like you stated. shes an adult. legally there is not a damn thing your friend can do. children must make their own mistakes. just let the girl know that she always has a place to come back to if needed. you would think that the mom would want her daughter to find her legs in the real world. does she expect her to live at home forever and ever?......... shes not a run away. shes an adult moving forward with her life.

Kate CP - posted on 03/30/2009

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Trust me, when she gets to Texas in the middle of the summer she'll run back home. Even Texans hate Texas in the summer. :P

Shari - posted on 03/30/2009

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I agree with alot of the other Moms.  I too left my parents at 18 and married my husband of 27 years.  They didn't like him because he was 13 years older.  Now they love him so much.  He's a great husband, father, grandfather, son-in-law, and brother-in-law to my family.  They made a decision about him without even knowing him. 



But, they kept talking to us and inviting us to visit.  I know that this is not the norm, but sometimes it works.  My Mom was just 18 when she married, and my daughter was 18 when she married her wonderful husband.  They just have to let her go and pray for her and most importantly keep talking to her and not negatively about her boyfriend.  She will only come back if things are bad, if she doesn't think they will say I told you so.  Just love her unconditionally and let her know they will always love her and will always be there if she needs them.  Giving her a prepaid phone card to call if she needs to is a wonderful idea. 



 



It is so hard to let them go when we think they are making a bad choice.  But at 18 they are LEGALLY adults and we can only gently guide them.  They don't always listen, and sometimes they are doing what's right for them and sometimes their not.  Just pray and talk.

Stephanie - posted on 03/30/2009

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I agree wit every1 else, u cant really do much, she will do it anywayz @ least she's tellin her mother, when i moved out @ 18 wit my son'z father we moved 2 Hawaii, i left witout tellin my mother which was a bad decision but i told her lata on in the day, i left partially cuz i was pregnant & wanted him in our life, although it didnt work out between us, it wasnt cuz he was bad we jus didnt noe each other long enuff, & jus rushed into thingsz, i dont regret it cuz it was an adult decision, jus not the right time in my life yet, jus tell her 2 keep in contact, i called my mother every day & kept her updated

Maureen - posted on 03/30/2009

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Every Moms nightmare!  The girl is 19, therefore in most places, considered an adult.  At this stage we just have to trust in the Lord, believe that we have done the best parenting that we could have and given her love and values, morals and ethics.  Keep the lines of communication open and do not say things we really will regret later!  Very important to remember that as a young adult she is gonna screw up sometimes, our job as parents is to be there to love-em back to the family when we can.  We, as parents are not reflected by their desions, we don't always know what drives them to choose what they choose, if we have parented well they will get hurt and recover just as we did in our day.  Life is all about the learning curve, taking what happens and using it for growth, positive growth.  We don't know the road that God has drawn out for the childs good, to prosper them.  Remember He is their Father and wants the best for them.  Sometimes we have to step back and allow them to make mistakes, to learn lessons and grow.  Parenting young adults is probably the hardest times but also the most rewarding times!  There is nothing they can do that God can't use for their growth and good.  Pray, Pray and Pray! Take care and Blessings to you & your friend and my prayers will be with her and her daughter!  Trust in the Lord





[deleted account]

I think the best thing you can do is to let her go.  She may get to Texas and decide she hates it and come home.  Or she may be right and this may be the man of her dreams.  She is at the age where wanting to go far away from home is normal.  Isn't that what life is all about?  I did the same thing.  I know it's not easy because you worry that she's making the wrong decision but that's part of the learning process.  If it's wrong, she has to figure that out on her own.  And remember, the harder she is pushed, the more she will be determined to do the exact opposite of what you want her to do.  If she's going to do it anyhow, I think you should give her your blessing and say a prayer.  That's all you really can do.  God bless :) 

Anaheeta - posted on 03/30/2009

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We went through this with my brother when he was a teen. In his defense he was bipolar. Being a teen you can't tell them anything and a teen with bipolar is even tougher. My hats off to my parents for being there for him when he came back to his sense and wanted to return home. Tell your friend she needs to let her daughter know that she can come home no matter what and that she will always love her. My thoughts and prayers are with your friend and her daughter...God Bless!

Airon - posted on 03/29/2009

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we went thru this with my niece. At that age you can't tell them anything. You just have to let her fly and hope that the morals and values that you gave her will carry her thru.

Sarah - posted on 03/29/2009

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I ran away from home to go be with my boyfriend when I was 17. And the more my mother or anyone else tried to stop me...the more I wanted to go! At 19 you want to be independant and if your parents try and "take that away from you" by trying to make you stay, then its not good. She will just want to leave even more. shes an adult. And honestly no, theres not really any way to stop her from going. All her mom can do is sit down with her and have a good heart to heart with her and just tell her she loves her and will allways be there for her and  that she can call anytime. I'm 19 and the thought of my mom telling me not to do something makes me cringe! All her mom can do is let her know she loves her and that if shes not happy down there she can allways come back

Teyaka - posted on 03/29/2009

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She 19 and is going to do things that she thinks is "grown up" and resposible. She's probably at that stage in her life where she feels she needs to have total control of her life and wants to show how "adult" she can be. I say let her go. I know its hard, but it will be a lot easier and less stressful if you just give in. Let her know that you don't fully approve of what she is doing, BUT you are going to be there if she needs you. Let her know that she has a support system and someone in her corner. BUT make sure you make your side clear that you do not approve, yet you understand that this is something that she wants. Don't scare her off and don't push her to the side. Tell her to call home and if she doesn't you need a way to contact her. even joke about sending the sheriff to find her to make her call home or something. MAKE SURE the lines of communication are open and there. Make it easy and comforting to contact home. Not, every time she calls there is going to be an argument or an interrogation as to what she has been doing since the last communication. Make her want to call home and want to turn to you if she needs help.



I know I couldn't wait to get out of my moms house. As soon as I got my first apartment in another state I couldn't wait to call her and tell her that she was wrong. Then I couldn't manage my money right, so I had to call and tell her that too. I eventually ended up apologizing a few months later, because all the time I spent compaining and saying I couldn't wait to be on my own, she was trying to teach me to budget my money and be on my own. I wasn't listening and learned the hard way. Now, we're closer than ever and I call her all the time.

Heather - posted on 03/29/2009

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The internet thing is not all bad. I met my fiance online and met him in person only a few weeks after we started talking. My son loves him and he loves us. He is a great, supportive man and would do anything for my son and me. We are getting married in May of this year. So not all internet dating is bad. I do agree that there are wierdos out there, but there are wierdos and crazy people everywhere. She'll go no matter what, just tell your friend that she is her mom, no matter what.

Amanda - posted on 03/29/2009

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Never stop talking.  Tell her not to close the door on her daughter she can't change her mind but at least if they're talking she can still check on her and try to help her with advice.  Don't push opinions just listen and pray.

Joanna - posted on 03/29/2009

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YOU JUST HAVE TO BE SUPPORTIVE AND BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILDREN, TELLING THEM NOT TO DO THINGS SOMETIMES JUST MAKES THEM WANT TO DO IN MORE.



 ON THE OTHER HAND I LEFT HOME AND GOT MARRIED WHEN I WAS 19 AND NEARLY 17 YEARS LATER I AM STILL HAPPILY MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN A DAUGHTER NEARLY 15 YEARS AND A SON NEARLY 15 MONTHS.



PS TELL HER SHE IS NOT LOOSING A DAUGHTER BUT GAINING A SON!!!!



HOPE THIS HELPS

Laura - posted on 03/29/2009

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I was 19 when I left with my boyfriend (from Minnesota to South Carolina). We were together for 3 years but my parents hated him (now I know why). You couldn't tell me anything then. But to make a long story short, my parents pretended to be supportive, although I find out later they actually mourned as if I passed, even helped me with my medical and car insurance (they didn't want me to have to have a reason to rush into marriage). Well, in less than a year I was home.



My biggest concern is the whole internet meeting? To me thats scary. I hope she gets to meet him before she moves.

Amie - posted on 03/29/2009

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She is an adult. Whether it's something that wants to be accepted in your and your friends thought processes or not. She's free to do as she pleases, even if you don't agree with it. It's not easy being a mom. I tore my own mother's heart out moving out at 18 but she accepted it. She knew she had to let me go at some time. I am her oldest so it was the hardest letting go with me. Though doesn't mean it was any easier for her when my brother did it, nor will it be when my teenage siblings (16&15) move out either. The more resistance that is put up though, the more apt she will be to stop talking to her mom & dad altogether until they learn to accept it. Which they will have to do, there is nothing, legally or otherwise that can be done to stop what she is going to do.
What can be done to salvage the relationship though is for her parents to let her know that if she ever needs anything or any help all she has to do is call. That they will be there in a heartbeat. My own did this and it made things so much better for our relationship. I've had to call on them for help too and they were there. My dad even showed up in the middle of the night one night to help me pack up and move back home for awhile after my roommate went nuts. I mean literally too, she was in the psych ward by morning. Parents can't protect their children forever and they need to let them go to live there lives. That doesn't mean the relationship or love ends there though. =) She may come back if it doesn't work out like she thought but she may stay too if it does. They need to be open to both possibilities, accept them and let her know that no matter what they are there for her (even if they don't agree with her decisions).

Donna - posted on 03/29/2009

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I can only agree with everyone saying keep the lines of communication open even if they are one sided for a while. My 18year old daughter moved out just before christmas after we had a big argument, she would not talk to me at all but her 12 year old sister kept on talking to her via the internet and text 4 weeks ago she made a phone call to me and so far each week since that call she has been round to visit. Please tell your friend it will be very hard at first but things will come right in the end, even if the end seems a long way off.

Anne - posted on 03/29/2009

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Our daughter moved out in a huff about 4 years ago and to live with her boyfriend she had met about 7 weeks before. It all summer before she called. She was in the same city so I was able to learn how she was doing for mutual people that knew them. To make along story shorter, With a lot of Prayer by many people our relationship was restored. She moved away to college to another state (without the boyfriend). She will graduate from college in May and she is dating this kid anymore. The two things that hopefully make a difference are 1 Pray Pray Pray, 2 Keep the lines of communication open. I will be Praying for you and your friend and her daughter.

[deleted account]

I moved from England to Australia with my boyfriend when I was 19. My parents said it wouldn't last and I'd be back within three months. Unfortunatly for them, fourteen years,(13 married) and two kids later, I'm still here. Even though I was young and my parents thought they knew better, I knew I'd met "the one". I also know it was very hard for them to except but it is easier to kept in touch these days, especially using the net and we've found using Skype very effective.

Heather - posted on 03/28/2009

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She is going to do what she wants to do, reguardless of what anyone says. If you try to make her stay, that will just fuel the fire and make her want to go more. You have to let her go and make her own choices. She will make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons. I left my parents house to move in with my boyfriend when I was fairly young as well. You never know, he may be the one for her and he may not.

Ashley - posted on 03/28/2009

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i moved away from my parents at 19, and i missed them so much and i wanted to move back home but my sister had this weird control over me and wouldn't let me even visit my parents. it took 2 years but i am back home with my parents and i'm 23 years old and have a beautiful baby boy. she will miss her family and come back home.:) good luck

Martha - posted on 03/28/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



I'm not sure if this will help much, but I moved far away with my boyfriend when I was 19, and I came right back home.  Don't worry she'll be  back.   Good Luck and God Bless





Thank you Jamie,



 



Can you please tell me a little about what happened in your case?  How long did it take you to realize you didn't want that.  Or what made you come back home?

Martha - posted on 03/28/2009

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Quoting Kynda:



It is easy and relatively cheap to do a background check on him.   She can also see if he will come visit, meet the family, so that she can get a better feel for him.  She should be willing to pay for the plane ticket.





Thank you  Kynda for your reply.  She has known him for  a few years over the internet.  He has come to visit her an her family.  He doesn't get to stay in her house because there are rules and traditions.  He stays in a hotel near by.  She went to visit him twice.  The first time she bought a ticket and didn't tell her mom until after she had bought it and planned the trip.  Her mother did not want her to go but after arguing back and forth and threatening to go anyway, her mother ended up going with her to meet this guy herself.  It all went well.  The next time her father took her to meet this guy.  Now she says she can't stand living at home and will go live with him.  She left the house on Friday and is staying with friends who are enabling her.  Her mom does not know when she is planning to leave or where she will be staying.  The guys supposedly is training to be a cop.  I met him when he came to visit.  He just stayed in the room on the internet or playing video games.  They are both just kids.

Jamie - posted on 03/28/2009

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I'm not sure if this will help much, but I moved far away with my boyfriend when I was 19, and I came right back home.  Don't worry she'll be  back.   Good Luck and God Bless

Kynda - posted on 03/28/2009

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It is easy and relatively cheap to do a background check on him.   She can also see if he will come visit, meet the family, so that she can get a better feel for him.  She should be willing to pay for the plane ticket.

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