Sarcastic 11 Year-Old Daughter

Tina - posted on 05/17/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Hi,
I'm Tina and I have an eleven-year old daughter who just entered sixth grade, Finn. I'm a bit worried about her social life. She is very sarcastic and doesn't seem to relate to other girls her age. She isn't worried about cliques or fitting-in - she finds it all rather stupid and unnecessary. She seems to have no friends.
A while back, in fourth grade, she was severely bullied for about a month. We have since sorted out the issues and changed schools. She is quite a bright girl who dreams of being a writer. She excels in all subjects at school apart from Music and P.E.
All her teachers love her, and she isn't being bullied by anyone. She has two friends, and is only friends with them because I asked her to make friends - they are two boys who seem to be friendly and almost as clever as her. One of them seems to have a crush on her, but she hasn't seemed to realise yet.
She thinks all the cliques and peer pressure and popularity is stupid, and is overly cynical and somewhat mean towards the other girls in her grade, calling them stupid airheads. She doesn't make fun of them, however always complains about them and actively avoids them.
She is very confident and comfortable in her own skin, and isn't shy to share things. She doesn't seem to care about her only friends being guys and is fairly blunt towards them. I have spoken to the boys' mothers who both say that their boys are happy enough to hang out with her, but there have been some awkward questions due to Finn's bluntness - e.g the boys asking 'I think Finn's sick. I'm worried - she said she was bleeding from her private part' (yes, she's started her period).
She is actually quite respected by the rest of her grade - they don't seem to talk behind her back or make fun of her at all. She can be quite dominating and I was talking to my friend Lizzie - who has a daughter in Finn's grade - and Lizzie reported that Finn 'can make Kasey's (Lizzie's daughter) quite scared.' Finn will always go to social occasions at school, e.g discos, but hangs out the back with the boys and never really goes inside and dances (I sometimes chaperone the discos'.
She is a massive bookworm and doesn't seem to be overly violent or anything. I'm just worried her social skills aren't developing properly because she doesn't seem to ever want things most girls want - she rolls her eyes at my love of shopping, hates dresses, point-blank refuses to wear make-up or lip balm and shrugs popularity, cliques and the social hierarchy off as stupid. I can't connect to her very well - she's the opposite of what I was when I was young - but I still want to make sure we have a close relationship. Any ideas?

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Mahani - posted on 05/17/2014

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hi im in year 10 and by what you have described i used to be exactly like your daughter when i was younger i got very serverly bullied. Rumors started up about me quit voulger rumours that weren't true things that people who where my age then shouldn't be doing. I used to get rocks thrown at the back of my head and be called a slut. There was also your normal average bullying on top of that. Funnily enough it turned out that my so called best friend started all the rumours. This all was resolved after a year (i was reluctant to tell my parents the full story and became rude and sarcastic to them i was afraid that they would believe the bullies side of the story) and everything settled down but i was never the same again after that. I to despised cliques after that because i thought to myself that al these people where fake or/and had the potential to become bullies just like my closest and distant friends had that year. i neevvr wore dresses or acted like your average tween child because i despised all things that i used to be and who my 'friends' used to be i became distant and kept a small and close circle of three friends who where the only people who didn't brand me as the town slut. Id say your daughter is going through a similar thing that i did and that she is just become very cautious to who she makes aquatences with. She also may not to be anything like her bullies where. She is also in year six which is when hormones kick in and mood swings star so this could be some of the escalation in her sarcasm she also may feel like you don't understand her as much as you do because i felt that way with my mum even though she was there to support me more than any one else. i grew out of it a little bit in year eight but wounds take time to heal. She also would be very mature i would think because she had seen a lot as i was at that age. i suggest taking her to a councillor so she can spill out what she is feeling don't force her though because that can upset and aggravate her. counselling was the best thing that i could've done. Good luck and you and your daughter take care.

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