Scared please help for a dear friend

Hollie - posted on 05/30/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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My friend dated this one guy for a year. They have no children together ( thankfully because this guy is psycho) they have been broken up for over 4 years. He is 9 yrs older than her. He comes over to her house and "drops ," off a a picture frame (broken glass all over her front door step porch) ripped up pictures of her 'mom,' and did this ALL to her mothers residence where she resides. She is SO terrified because he has been arrested before for battery and not letting her go before. not sure what she should do , called police but no help they dont dust for fingerprints on the items dropped off at the house. over this course... this was all done overnite between 11pm and 1245am!.shes scared to get protective ordr becuz he might just come over there anyway.then "know," where she is at!

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Jane - posted on 05/30/2011

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The battered women's shelter is to my mind her best recourse. The folks there know how to handle psycho ex's. They have safe houses, they know lawyers that do a good job, and they know how to gather evidence so the police will act.



Tell her to contact the nearest one ASAP.

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

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I am not trying to say anything bad about anyone because, I know these situations are scary. Been there.

At some point though, ladies and gentlemen a like, we need to stand up for ourselves and say enough is enough. We have to take action against the ones make us feel unsafe in our own homes. Sometimes you have to reach out to the Police. They are there to protect and serve you but, they can not do their job unless they know you need their help. Sometimes you just have to keep on them. Do you know what police deal with in one shift? It is not that they do not feel your friend is not important but, she has to also take the steps to protect herself and get this in the system.

Like I said she needs and order of protection that way when he comes back and she calls the police then they have to arrest him. There is no choice in the matter.

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

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She needs to obtain a protective order because, if she has one and he shows up to her home again then the police have to do something about. He broke the law. Her parents need to also place a protective order on him and if he is caught on their property that is trespassing and he will go to jail. When he is served the papers for the protection act her address nor phone number, place of work or any other information is on the paper. The paper just states that he must stay x-amount of feet away from Jane Doe at all time and that if he comes near her he will go to jail. Also if he sees her somewhere he has to leave not her.

Jenni - posted on 05/30/2011

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Sounds SCARY! :O
If it were me and the Police weren't helping. I'd move and have my name unlisted in the phonebook.


She definitely needs to get the restraining order! She shouldn't be afraid of it provoking him. If he comes near her now there is NOTHING she can do. She needs the RO so something can be done legally if he does come near her or her place of residence. Otherwise, the police can't do a thing about it.

I'm sorry I don't understand how the RO would let him know where she is at? Do you mean he knows the complex she lives at but not her unit? I'm pretty sure they'll take that into consideration when drawing up the RO. They will probably just restrict him from the complex itself and from coming within a certain distance from her. She should at least find out how the process works and if he will be given her exact address in the paperwork. If she voices concerns about it they may be able to omit it from the actual RO. I'm not sure exactly how it works but if she is really concerned about what he *may* do, she should be looking into it.

Krista - posted on 05/30/2011

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It wasn't just one dude...it was all the people that he knew. Turns out he was involved in organized crime. Hence, the extreme measures she took to hide. In your friend's case, she may not have to take steps that are quite that drastic, but better safe than sorry. And I agree with you that the laws protecting women from stalkers are absolute shite.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/31/2011

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Mom, "yes but this GUY is CAPABLE of anything! having rifles and its like"

This is EXACTLY why the police need to get involved....first step is reporting him, and getting a restraining order. If the police don't know what has been going on, how can people help?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/31/2011

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EXACTLY Gwen, totally what I have been trying to say. Thank you!

Gwen - posted on 05/31/2011

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It might rattle his chain and get him upset, but the police will arrest him if he even comes within a certain distance. Obviously, he's already mad! What difference does it make? Your friend needs to take control of her safety. She needs to file a police report and get a restraining order. The next time he drops a picture on the porch he'll find his butt in handcuffs.

Bri - posted on 05/31/2011

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@Jess IAGREE with you totally. Really I do! i have been there too dealing with psycho ex's that just dont get it and want the worst life possible for us women. I feel bad for your friend. maybe you can PM we can share stories, be there for your friend and help her out as best as you can (just saying) If you just dont retaliate, he might not blow a stink about it, sometimes i understand if you just let this whole situation 'GO'. But please be on the look out!

Hollie - posted on 05/31/2011

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yes but this GUY is CAPABLE of anything! having rifles and its like DUH! its bee n4 yrs ago get over her! she moved on hopefulle he has! he only did it because she bumped into him on this exact date 4-5 maybe 6 yrs ago. its like come on your still holding on grudges. Thanks for explaining your "duh." but in all reality it s just going to "piss him off more," and police are NOT quick to respond.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/30/2011

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@ Mom2threegirls, "there should be better laws to protoct us women - im scared for her" It starts with a restraining order for protection. To get him on the radar, and her. my DUH is that it is the most obvious first step. Being scared to get him more upset about a restraining order is not going to help. Getting him into the system with the police with a formal complaint will start the protective process. If the authorities do not know he is harassing her, they need to. If she is fearing for her life, staying at her mother's is obviously not the way to go. Get a restraining order so if he does come around, and leaves proof again, he can get arrested for it. Once again, if she is fearing for her life, she needs to find a womens shelter or a safe house. I am shocked I needed to explain my "duh"

Blackwood - posted on 05/30/2011

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Restraining order becuz if he does come near here, then he is breaking the law and the police then have a reason to arrest him. This is a very sad situation and my best friend when through this herself. There are places that can help, give her legal advise and a safetly plan. (Where I'm from in Canada anyway). She can go to social services and speak with them. Ask a police officer what they recommend, if they have any numbers or resources. Her instinct is telling her to protect herself then she needs to take action becuz no one else will, then only person that might is her ex and his action is not gonna be the good kind. Best wishes, it's very stressful to worry about someone you love.

Danielle - posted on 05/30/2011

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the best she can do is order a restraining order. and if he comes over anyway, he will get in big trouble with the cops and he will know this. i will pray for your friend but yeah, in this kind of situation the restraining order is important no matter what excuse.

Jenni - posted on 05/30/2011

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Best of luck to your friend. I hope she can get this creep out of her life for good and doesn't have to live in fear. No one has the right to do that to another person. What a freak.

Hollie - posted on 05/30/2011

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yeah tomrrow moring the courts are open due to memorial day she ll go then!

Hollie - posted on 05/30/2011

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Thanks for all the feedbacks. I know she is still little weary that she doesnt want to get "him going," on where she lives. She lives in cognito as it is! Re married of course also to an awesome guy who now understands the creep she dated! iTs awful on how men can do this (women too). but its her life move on dude! Because she has!!!!!

Hollie - posted on 05/30/2011

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Very sorry to hear. i feel for her, this guy is crazy I remember her telling me she'd be outside mowing the grass and he 'd walk up on her and tell her SHE better come back to his house, ( which he lived ata family member) all he did was do drugs no job and 9 yrs older than her , pulls her hair all the time also choked his own mother and got arrested did 6 months...she didnt know this til she left him without a trace, now stalking family members

Krista - posted on 05/30/2011

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So technically, he doesn't actually "know" that she's at her mom's, and is just harassing her mom because he figures she might know where she is? Is that the case?

What I would recommend for your friend is to contact a battered women's shelter. They have a LOT of experience in things like this, and can give her information on the best way to deal with the situation, how to protect herself physically and legally, etc.

She may wind up having to move. A friend of mine was threatened by her ex, and it got bad enough that she left town and went to a "safe house" in another province, under an alias. Her parents didn't even know where she was, for their own safety.

Hollie - posted on 05/30/2011

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@Marina At your "duh " comment...i dont understand THIS DOESNT CARE IF THERE IS A PIECE OF PAPER OR NOT. Plus that will rattle his "hairs," and get him to want to come over!

Tiffany - posted on 05/30/2011

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She needs to put a restraining order on him and, if need be, have unlisted phone number. Maybe even caller id so that if he calls, don't answer the phone, never erase any messages he leaves so that if proof is required it is recorded. It sounds like to me that it has lasted this long because she is not calling the police enough. If the police are called ask that a report is filed even if they don't dust for finger prints. Of course she is scared!!! I would be to, but she needs help.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/30/2011

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If she gets a restraining order, and he comes over, they would have reason to arrest him. Duh. Tell her to stop letting this guy control her and stand up for herself. This is how women get killed, over stupid ass guys who are virtually being enabled to act like assholes.

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