Screaming infant. Screaming husband. I am going insane! (needing to vent)

Chelsea - posted on 11/13/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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My baby doesn't have colic, but sometimes she screams so loud and off and on for long periods of time. I am usually good for about 2 1/2 hours, but after having her all day and then dealing with the screaming at night, my patience runs thin. My husband will take her for 30 minutes and then start screaming at our daughter b/c he gets frustrated. He's had no experience with babies and is doing a horrible job right now. He has no patience and only wants to help with our daughter when she's sleeping or about to fall asleep. I am so tired and I am trying my best, but I hate seeing my daughter cry and not knowing how to fix it. It also doesn't help when I am trying to be patient with her and my husband is complaining and griping at me as well. He doesn't do anything really and acts like I am asking him to take on the whole parenting thing. Most days, I feel like I am raising my daughter on my own. Its very frustrating. Every time I talk to my husband about it, he gets mad at me telling me he's trying really hard or he gets pissy and nothing seems to be getting through to him. Even when he comes home from work, and I've had her for 8 hours straight, he won't pitch in and complains when he has to help. I don't know what to do; I am almost at my wits end.

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[deleted account]

Dad's work 40 hours outside of the home.



Mom's work 24/7 365 days a week to raise a child. Even when we get a second to ourselves chances are we spend it worrying about or planning things to do with that child and our family.



When my Son was really upset we took him for drives in the car or I walked to a mall and wandered around. The drone of the mall normally calmed him to the point of sleeping. It's not scientific but some people figure because it's like the constant white noise they heard 24/7 while in utero.



Another thing I realized is that our children cry to Mommy more often and feel more comforted by Mommy for a reason. We're who they've known since the first spark of life came to them and they trust us to rock them patiently and just comfort them while they're upset.



Though it's hard to hear and does put a lot of stress on you I know just remember life gives us what we can handle, no more no less. You are the best Mommy for your child, alway remember that.



As for your Husband....well you know his faults and the reasons why. I wouldn't have anything helpful to add on the topic. Probably just a bunch of curse words against him. ;)

27 Comments

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Amber - posted on 09/12/2015

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When my baby does that I play a video of a fan on my phone or a video by hey bear. He loves it

PAULINE - posted on 11/20/2009

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Hi Chelsea babies can sense your emotions and if your uptight and frustrated they can pick up on this. When I had bad days I would put the hoover on and both my two soon fell asleep.Talk to her in a gentle voice and sing relaxing lulabys,Firstly though I would get her checked over at the baby clinic just to put your mind at rest. It will get better honest and when it does your husband will come home to a more relaxed you and baby and then you can both start enjoying her more. Believe me they grow up so quick.Also try taking her for long walks in her pram this will give you both plenty of fresh air and hopefully relax her.

Deb - posted on 11/19/2009

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I understand your feelings all to well. I also had the husband that doesn't get it, help, etc. Know this it too shall pass. My first child (a boy) had acid reflux, until he was diagonsed it was so hard to get him to fall asleep, play on the floor or anything that required him to be laying down flat. Our second (a girl) was easier althoug not always easy. For our son I was actually a single mom (he is not biologicaly my husbands) so I expected it to be so much easier with our daughter..hey there are two of us this time around! right!?? Somehow it didn't workout that way. I still did most of the parenting, housekeeping and dealing with a 5 yr old to boot. Thankfully I have wonderful in-laws and one night over dinner I cornered him and we all discussed the problems and set out some guidelines for what kind of help I needed most. The fact that my father-in-law was the same way at first with their kids helped my husband to see that you can be helpful and still be a man. I am so sorry that your family lives so far away and his are not supportive of you. My family lives all over the us (Ca, Wash, Tx, Ut and me in IN).
I wish you the best of luck, our daughter is now 20 mo. old and such a daddy's girl! It took some time for him to understand, but finally he got it. Might have been the 4 months he was out of work and I worked 40+hrs a week, so he HAD TO DO IT ALL! All alone. It was hard at first to leave him with both kids, but I had to trust that they would all be ok. The house was sometimes trashed, and I still do all the laundry, but he is such a better father for the time he had with our kids. I love my sling and/or baby carrier it was such a sanity saver for both of us. My husband would carry the baby around in the carrier for hours to keep her from screaming. I actually have a pic of them in the rocker sleeping like that :) I wish you both the best of luck. Have patience with both of them and it will end up ok.

Beth - posted on 11/16/2009

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could be gas pains... not enough to classify as colic maybe.. this trick i used and worked wonders...candy peppermint white with red markings...offered at the door of so many restuarants....break it up in small chunks... take a large baby bottle of warn water shake with the peppermint chunk to dissolve..PEPPERMINT WATER....helps settle the tummy and worked wonders with both of mine.. seemed very soothing to them.. i would just give it to them anytime....also u can place the baby in the carrier for sleeping....then place the carrier in the crib... keeps them in a safe slightly upright position... also try asking hubby to just folds towels.. that would be one less thing for u to handle.. that would be a start, and may make him feel like he is actually contributing... towel folding can so easily be done on the couch while watching tv....just a few suggestions.... PLEASE TRY THE PEPPERMINT WATER... worked 100 times better for me than any gas drops...actually seemed to calm the baby... cost nothing and u can always have a piece of peppermint in pocket, car or diaper bag wherever u go.....and always pack a bottle of water/peppermint candy in the bag...hope this helps... if not just plan out like it is just you and the baby just walk past him like he is not there... ends up easier if he continues as he is ....best of luck to you !!!!!

[deleted account]

sweetie - if your baby is crying 2 1/2 hours each night - she DOES have colic. The eyes are red - her tummy just hurts - I've been there - done that. There are drop you can try from the Dr. - my youngest is now 15 so I don't remember the name but it is like pepto-bismol for babies - it didn't completely stop it but it helped. I don't know who told you it isn't colic - lied.

[deleted account]

Hey Chelsea,

I am a parent coach, as well as having 2 teenage daughters, the youngest of which didn't sleep through the night until she was 4 - i know how it feels to survive on a few hours sleep a night and how it feels to try everyones advice and nothing works. But you will succeed and something will work - our kids are mirrors of us, so the more calm and loving the environment the better baby will feel - even if it doesn't seem that way at the time.

Now about your husband. Hmmmmm...... We all have to realise that people do what they do for a positive reason, even if the reason isn't clear to us. So, your hubby may be screaming at the baby because;
He feels out of control and this is the only way he can think of right now to regain it?
You are such a great Mum, even in a difficult situation, and he feels inadequate?
He feels excluded from the family by working all day and being unable to help at night?
He doesn't know what to do and knows that he doesn't?
Or another reason that we just dont know right now?

Try asking him what he gets from screaming at the baby, and this may help you to understand him and what else he could do to get the same result.

Men also work well with a plan. If you can work together on a plan for the next screaming session, with each of you playing a role, you can praise him for his positive actions and what a help to you he was - praise works as well on men as children, honest ;-)

Good luck lovvie, and remember that you are always good enough. If you need more resources to help you in a situation, you will find where they are or who to ask. Keep taking one tiny step forward every day and things will improve. Good luck -x-

Lynette - posted on 11/16/2009

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My baby would scream for anything from 8 to 16 hours a day on and off and it was more on! This went on for weeks and we couldn't work out what was wrong. After numerous clinic and doctor visits it was finally discovered that he had reflux. But I had thought i had prevented it by placing him upright after his feed on elevated to sleep but I had missed the change table! i forgot to elevate the change table and that was causing the reflux. Now the screaming has stopped!
It may or may not be similar to your baby?

Rentia - posted on 11/15/2009

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Shame Chelsea! My Boy is now 20 months old, but we also had the same scream routine with him some evenings, don't know who shouted the loudest, my hubba or bubba! I would usually rather deal with my screaming baby alone and leave hubby in bed to snore away, as it reduces stress on yourself which stresses out your LO. What helped with my Boy, was to take a walk outside (wrapped in a warm blanky) and showing him the stars and lights, even though you think that he / she might not understand, they actually enjoy the change of scenery and also the fresh cooler night air calms them down (advice given by paed.) Before you go outdoors though, start from the top, check for earpain (our boy's biggest problem - a cotton ball thinly rubbed in Puma / Vicks usually sorts that out), check for thurst and give a fresh nappy change. Also rub gums with teething gel. Once you're sure nothing on the outside is wrong, then start to calm the inside. You will have to tell your hubby to calm down or chase him out of the room, upsetting your baby will just prolong the screaming! We are lucky that our boy has now calmed down and sleeps through most of the nights, we still get the odd pajama drill night though.... (Ps my brother's baby boy suffered from sleeping terrors, would sleep an hour and then wake up and was histerical for most of the evening right through to daylight - don't know how old your little one is but maybe you should check that out as well on google) I hope your LO settles soon, all mommy's need to take a break, take a weekend off and let the Granny's babysit while you just relax and sleeeeep!

Jess - posted on 11/15/2009

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Hey I know you have tried probably everything but I have a firend who's baby did the same thing and we found Grip water. You can find it at target where they sell the tums ect... or baby isle. It helps there little tummy or the gas drops but the grip water really works. You need to tell your husband that a stay at home mom is the job of 3 and they should make about 200,000 or more a year he needs to get it together you didnt make this baby alone and she cant help that she dosnt feel well or her tummy hurts or just flat out wants to cry.

Sharon - posted on 11/15/2009

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Derek needs a wake up call.



Go on strike. Stop doing his laundy. Fix dinner for you only, or leave his to get cold.



You guys are PARENTS. Men & women don't marry and have children so the woman can be a PARENT. Its that or start teaching the baby his first name since he refuses to be a real man and be a DAD. apparently he is the live in sperm donor and I have the same feelings for him that I have for a dog turd stuck on my shoe. You can tell him I said so.



edited to change "men & women do marry" to "don't marry"

[deleted account]

That boy of your either needs to grow up or get out. This is his child too, you are his wife supose to be the love of his life, and his life that he chose. Get with it man. I feel so bad for you. Maybe you can tell him that the night he was calm she was great. Imagine if he had just a little time to hold her every day, even for half an hour to let you soak in a tub that would relax her. Oh and give you a tiny break. It is not asking for too much of him because when you whent shopping he had her for that half an hour. Maybe there are some freinds close to you that you can hang out with for coffee or just for a walk. You need to take extra care of you now too. You are being pulled in too many ways. Too much to do raising a child and taking care of hubby and house. I wish you the best.
Not all men are spoiled princesses some do help out allot.

Catherine - posted on 11/15/2009

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I would second the sling comment above - huge help for me! Carry the baby when ever you can. secondly if the baby is a NB (under 3 months) I would recommend buying the book "Happiest baby on the block" Dr. Harvey Karp-also look for some videos on utube about the 5 s's - Dr. Harvey Karps work saved us. every time our baby started to cry we did the 5 s's and it worked 90% of the time. My husband was actually the best at it. Its a great way to get him involved and Men love it when there is a process that will lead to desired outcome. (Women love this too come to think of it!)

Good luck

Lisanne - posted on 11/15/2009

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Have you tried putting her in a sling? The kind where she is right against your skin? Are you nursing her? Have you tried just laying her on the bed snuggled up close to you? These things saved my sanity w/ my little one. As for your hubbie, it sounds like he is very stressed, well actually it sounds like you are both very stressed out, babies can feel what you are feeling. Maybe you need to ask for some help from some family members or a friend so you can get away. Go for a walk and talk to your hubbie, clear your head. Babies need a calm environment and they need to be close. Good luck!

Chelsea - posted on 11/14/2009

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Yeah, Derek would never hurt our daughter, but he does make things harder. The only difference is, my family is in Missouri and England (we live in Arizona). Derek's family is 2 1/2 hours away, but the are incompetent and I don't trust any of them with the baby. I've asked Derek to pitch in more, but he comes from a family who did everything for him and he is absolutely spoiled. I never knew how badly until after we moved to AZ. Derek is of the mind that, b/c he works 40 hours a week, he shouldn't have to pitch in around the house until he has a day off; and even then its minimal since he spends 90% of his time watching tv or playing video games. I've asked him to go to daddy parenting classes or support groups, but he refuses to go.

Jaclyn - posted on 11/14/2009

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Dear Chelsea,

I have a little baby boy who is now 12months old. When i first brought him home from hospital and even in hospital..he cried and i know what scream you're talking about he did for the first 4 - 5 months of his little life. I felt helpless and my partner was very much the same as yours. But i'm just here to tell you that it does get better. I had a awseome support person, my sister, i had not had a bond with my boy Noah till he was 5 months old. I begged my sister to take him because i felt incapable of helping him. I felt like i just couldn't get through it, i couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but we got there. It was tough and i know how you're feeling i have been there. Noah was the same he didn't have colic or anything i even tried a dummy which didn't work much anyway. When he was in hospital he was up and screaming every 20 mins by the time i got home it was every half and hour or so. I also have a 2 year old and i had one day where i couldn't drop him a daycare because i had a breakdown because Noah didn't stop screaming for almost 2 hours. I was a mess. I just want you to know that if you have relatives or anyone who can help you ask, you're not a failure as a mother just because you ask for help. And just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am actually getting emotional now because i know exactly how you feel. My partner has not alot of patience and he never yelled but i new at what time to take my boy away not saying he would ever hurt him because he hasn't. But knowing that him getting to worked up would just make matters worse. But at night time i told my partner that he is in charge of cooking because at that time i was bathing 2 kids and getting them ready for bed. Even if he cooks for you or tidies up a little it will help, every little thing helps when you have a baby like yours. My partner cooked for 6 months then i started back but still to this day he cooks dinner not every night but some. I also remember feeling like i know how mothers snap...knowing i could never harm my boy but understanding the situation. My first boy was an angel no joke hardly cried or anything but now we have had our second which was a screamer it has defintily scared my partner of having any more children. And would you believe even though Noah was a screamer and i wanted to give him to my sister i now think i would like to have another in the future. I just want you to understand that you are not a failure for asking for help and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, believe it or not it does actually get better. Hope all goes well for you. And i also know that i know this is getting personal but the whole sex thing feeling drained and not up for it causing arguments with your partner. I don't know if this is an issue for you as it was for me but hang in there things do get bettter.

Chelsea - posted on 11/14/2009

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First off, Samantha May, you and I may have the same husband =). Sometimes I wonder if Derek thinks that my mission in life is to make his easier (which, if that's true, then I totally missed the memo). After having her all morning, noon, and evening (I am still on my maternity leave) apparently I am also supposed to have her all night. He barely holds her or pays attention to her unless I make him. He doesn't even pitch in to give me a break. I left for 45 minutes today to buy groceries and he called me up a 1/2 an hour in; irritated b/c Jocelyn woke up and he had to take care of her and it was my fault she's awake. Most of the time, I keep wondering "Is this really the person I married"? I am sick of his attitude, his smart alack remarks, his lack of cooperation, and his behaviour towards things in general.

Donna - posted on 11/14/2009

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Tell you husband he needs to grow up! All the tension he is adding is only making things worse. Babies can sense your feelings and will react to them. Do you have any extended family members that can come help you out for a little bit to give you a break?

Samantha - posted on 11/14/2009

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My other half is the same way. I often feel like I am a single mother. We are expecting another one and he is losing pateince with our first. she is going to be 2 in july, she likes to get into things and test people. he just yells at her and she comes screaming to mommy. he also thinks that I should be doing everything. I work full time, go to college full time and then have to come home and do house work and make sure he has dinner and take care of my daughter. he acts like if i ask him to change a diaper I am asking him to paint a house or something. and the whole time im doing everything he sits and plays video games!

Angela - posted on 11/14/2009

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Guys are no help when they feel helpless, in this case because he can;t "fix" the problem.. he doesn't want no part in it. Yeah I know it pisses us off. What I did with my kids.. first make sure she's not hurting or sick.. sometimes kids cry even when we can't physically see something wrong. Next, try something maybe a colorful musical cartoon. my kids love mickey mouse clubhouse. i dvr a couple of shows and let them watch them over and over again. if that don't work. go for a drive, put in a soft music cd like a lullaby or easy listening music.. most times this work very well. Also reassess her nap time. If she sleeps late in the afternoon, she might now want to sleep at bed time, that can also cause a fussy baby.. plus kids pick up on tention. if you're not well, she's not going to be well.. put her in a crib or somewhere safe and briefly step outside, get some fresh air and try again. but please don't take your frustrations out on your child. Its not her fault she can't talk (just thought I'd put that in there.) as for your husband ( let's face it, that's what men are about.. They want the accolades of being father of the year without the help.) ignore him and focus on your daughter. Its easier to think about just your and her without the pissiness of a man in your ear. My fiancee' is like a back seat driver when it comes to our kids. He asks me 20 questions of what needs to be done to them instead of him actually doing it. i.e. (did you change the baby? Why can't you change her! his hands ain't broke..but that's how they are. They can't help it, they're men! LOL

Chelsea - posted on 11/14/2009

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Thank you so much for everyone's advice. I am glad I am not alone in this, however it sucks for anyone going through this. I've talked to my husband a million times now and nothing changed, so I fibbed a bit and told him that I talked with the pediatrician and she said we both need to calm down, NEVER yell at the baby, and just try different things without getting frustrated. I think including both of us helped, because last night he was really calm and collected during the worst of it. Hopefully, it lasts, but I am not that optimistic b/c he doesn't improve for too long. Wish me luck!!!

Dagmar - posted on 11/14/2009

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Men are indeed wired differently. But what does help is if they are given ideas on how to do what they need to do. Creativity isn't a strong point. I think your husband wants to help but is frustrated because he doesn't know how. I actually think that a bit of advice from some dads would really help here. It seems like your little girl is sensitive so I would suggest appeal to her senses, particularly touch and hearing. When she starts to fuss, don't wait until she's at a full blown scream, hold her close to you on your chest or back by using a Moby Wrap( check internet) it doesn't have any belts or buckles, but takes the shape of YOUR baby. Remember that's where she's been for 9 months. Ive seen the effects of this very simple method. We can take a leaf out our African mothers' nurturing books. Also play some soft music and just keep cuddling her and stroking her. This isn't a formula so don't expect instant results. Remember, you're dealing with a unique little person and try and take on the temperament of the music yourself, it will soon transfer to your baby. Please know that you are not alone in this experience, there's another mother and father somewhere else going through the same thing. Believe it or not, it's times like this that develop amazing bonds, she needs you.

Renee - posted on 11/13/2009

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Try to talk to him in a calm moment - I know those seem hard to find right now but a screaming man is not a good thing. The baby cannot tell you what she needs and him screaming at her will not do anything good for the baby or for you. Take care.

Angie - posted on 11/13/2009

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A screaming infant is okay, a fit throwing husband is not. He needs to pony up and help out around the house. Make time (I know it's hard) to have a hart to heart with your husband and try to work this out.

Robyn - posted on 11/13/2009

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Hi chelsea, my little girl is 5 years old now but there was a time when i thought i would never get her to this age. she cried almost 20 hrs a day for 9 months and i fully understand how awful it is. i tested for everything and nothing was found wrong with her. the best advice i got from a pediatrician was that i have a very sensitvie little girl and she will grow up to be a beautiful person and guess what she has and still very sensitive to everything around her. but the more you stress so will your baby. as for husbands they can turn off easier and sleep at a drop of a hat, they dont mean to be like that but they are wired so differently. if you need help tell him he is on baby duty and leave the house for at least an hour just to have your own space and quiet thoughts, believe me it helps. goodluck and i know there is light at the end of it. your not on your own but alot of people dont even talk about it and lie especially those mums groups...... my baby sleeps all night ....all that is crap

Katherine - posted on 11/13/2009

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Umm actually, my husband does the same, and I've seen a lot of dad's do this. For some reason they think it's the mom's 'job' to do the child rearing!! Not in 2009 honey, especially if I'm working too. That will ruin a marriage, and he does need help. Men are not equipped to deal with a screaming infant, they have to, oh my God, LEARN. People wonder why mother's snap and go nuts and DRINK, well hello here is the answer: Men don't help enough!!!!! It's never enough, NEVER. If he got up one time with the baby I would kiss the ground he walked on, or said "honey go out with the girls tonight." or "Let me give you a massage." SOMETHING!!! I am so there with you I'm ranting about it. They need Fatherhood counseling I swear to God. Ok enough, it's not about me...sorry.

Sharon - posted on 11/13/2009

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I would have knocked my husband into the next friggen universe if he screamed an infant.



It scares me to think of what he might do if you left him alone with her. My god if he hasn't got 30 minutes of patience for a baby - I don't know what you're going to do for the next 18 years.



HE NEEDS HELP. Seriously I'm not kidding.

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