SD stares at me

Lacye - posted on 11/09/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I need some advice. My husband recently got visitation of his daughter from a previous relationship. The only problem I have is that she stares at me. It wouldn't bother me so much if it was just her looking at me trying to figure me out but no, the way she stares at me creeps me out. Part of it is because she looks like her mother (I know! she can't help that!) but the other part is when she does it, just the look on her face gives me chills. Like I should be sleeping with a baseball bat or something. She's hasn't been violent towards me or anything, it's just the way she looks at me. I have asked repeatedly for her to stop staring because I don't like it but when she thinks I'm not paying attention, I will catch her in the corner of my eye just staring. I don't know what to do about it. I have tried asking her why she stares at me and she just starts mumbling and repeating the same words over and over again pretending like she is telling me but she really isn't. What can I do or is there really anything I can do?

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Cecilia - posted on 11/10/2013

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Isn't the obvious answer to why she is staring is because she is not "allowed" to communicate with you? She is trying to figure you out without interacting to obey her mother. Talk to her father about what he thinks would be acceptable interaction for the two of you. At first maybe the 3 of you should do something together, like bake cookies. This way requests can be given in general, such as " can someone cut the butter in half?" "I need someone to mix" I would try that until she feels comfortable enough to interact more.

Lacye - posted on 11/10/2013

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She is 4 years old. For Michelle, yes there is a lot of animosity between my husband and his ex. For a while there was a lot between me and her (I would try to be nice, she would try to break hubby and me apart). I have tried to spend time with her but she was instructed not to get close to me (she told me this herself). I just can't stand the staring. It grates on my nerves, it makes me uncomfortable to the point that I have to leave the room, and everything I have tried doesn't work. I shouldn't have to hide in my own home just to keep her from staring at me.

Helen - posted on 11/10/2013

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It is hard to help you as we don't know how old she is. I agree with the other responders that you need to start forming a relationship and stop mentioning the staring. You have to be the adult here and take control of the situation . She will be feeling very unsure of herself. It is a difficult and painful situation for her.
Less threatening than questioning her, maybe you could do things together that are fun. Take her to a playground, play catch or make her some playdough if she is small. A bit bigger? Play a game together, such as Uno or teach her to play chess. Cook or bake together. Learn to enjoy her and you could both be enriched.

Michelle - posted on 11/09/2013

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I agree with Cecilia, try and form a relationship with her. Stop mentioning her staring at you as well. The more you mention you don't like it the more she will probably do it if she is being told to annoy/ignore you.
You obviously have met her Mother since you know that she looks like her Mother. Is there any animosity between you partner and his ex? How old is your step daughter?
I feel there's a lot more to the story than you have told us.

Cecilia - posted on 11/09/2013

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how old is she? I do think it has to do with her just trying to figure you out. Instead of just telling her to stop maybe try spending time with her. Allow her to ask you some questions. Ask her questions. Form a relationship with her. That might help her feel and her feel more comfortable around you, and you with her.

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