Lizz - posted on 06/01/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )
I am not a mother. I am a 27 year old woman living at home and would like advice from other moms on here whose adult children live with them.
I am the oldest of two other siblings. I recently just graduated with my Master's and have always had 2-3 jobs in order to put myself in school. In August, i plan to leave to teach abroad. There isn't a date i plan to come back, if i like it i'm going to stay. I say all of this to show that while i have always lived under my mother's roof I haven't been sitting on my behind doing nothing.
My mom's a good mom and i have nothing bad to say about her, however my mom has been prying for information about who I'm dating. My brother is more open to her than i am when it comes to relationships and sex. My sister might be also. However, that is a part of my life i want to keep to myself.
I have been friends with this guys for 2 years and we recently decided that even though i'm leaving, we will become an item. She has noticed i have been going out lately and had started to ask question. I try to be careful with information i give her because she sometimes throws it back at me in an argument. the guy I'm dating is 49 (I should note that my moms ex-boyfriend (for over 20 years) is 71 and she is 47, so i wasn't expecting age to be an issue). When she asked his age i told her and she said, "nice! older men are more mature" A week later she said wanted to meet him. I told her that since i'm leaving soon, i don't want to bring him around. she said that because i'm spending the night out and spending so much time with him she needs to know who I'm with so I'm safe and also, that he should know better because he's older than she, and that it is that it is the right thing to do.
Now 3 weeks prior, My Boyfriend suggested he meet her, but i told him no. i brought this up to her in his defense, but she continued getting irate. I asked, "what do you think is going to happen when i move? you think i'm going to parade and mention every single person i'm dealing with to you?" that got her even more upset and she ignored me for two days.
i spoke to her and asked if she wanted to meet him, she responded "its up to you" and in my head I'm like, really? Obviously it isn't if i told you no already and you start screaming. But anyway she finally accepts the invite. In what seemed like an attempt to start another argument, she brought up the part where I asked her if she expected to know everyone i dealt with when i was away, and said it was a "disrespectful" and "sick" comment to say. i apologized and kept it moving. My bf and I went a week without seeing each other because it seemed as tho she’d give me trouble if it was before the day she met him.
Yesterday, the day of the meeting:
My bf and i had plans to go out, but he was going to stop by around 8:45 to receive the "once over" before we left. However my mom left to go to her bf's house around 5 and said she'll be back by the time he comes. Around 8, i get a text saying for us to go to her bf's house when he picks me up and she'll come out to say hi, and that they would meet up another time for a conversation. This part confused me because WHYYY would is she pushing for a second time???
We go to her bf's house and she comes out wearing much attitude on her face. She was sarcastic and overbearing said things like "well, despite of the opinion you already had formulated about me . . " implying that we bad mouth her on the ride there. she asked his age even though she knew it and after giving a long 5 second stare said "ummm your older than me" –which was NOT the way she acted when I told her. She followed up with "basically, if she shows up missing i need to know the face of the person she was with last" and turned to me to conclude with "well, i'm done embarrassing you"
When i was 18 and she met my ex (we were together for 7 years) i felt the same kind of embarrassment as I did last night. Except in that situation at 18, i felt it was justified with the fact that then we were dating for 3 months and she hadn't met him yet. But I'm 27 now, I travel and take vacations ALONE for extended periods of time. I have no Debt, no children, I am mature. I know i am not open about who i'm intimate with or if i am even dating anyone, but i believe that i shouldn't be bullied into sharing things i am not ready to share. If i don't want her to know who I'm having sex with, that should be my business.
I have a few weeks left here and i would like to enjoy my bf on this new level we decided to take our relationship. And also, he is a GROWN man, not someone one my age who she may feel she can talk down to/scare away for seeing her daughter.
So my question is, am i wrong for feeling like there are areas of my life my mother needs to learn not to prod her nose in regardless of the fact that i am in her house. I feel like she's doing her best to show me (for whatever reason) that despite the fact that I am an adult, i am a child in her house and she will treat me as such because she feels she CAN.
All i keep thinking about is when i leave and how i will really begin to withhold information on my personal life and show her that NOW I control how much she has access, because I CAN.
I’m bitter right now, I know