seventeen year old son

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2015 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Hi just need some advice..I recently divorced after 25 years. I met a partner who I have been seeing now for two years..my children are 23 22 17 years old. They still refuse to meet him which I am finding it very stressful as he is not allowed to come in to my house, as the childten say it's there family home where there dad lived. I understand that fact that they are upset and hurt but its been two years..So for me to move forward I have sold my house..The problem is that no one wants to and live with me but they don't want me to sell the house...The older two will be fine I am sure but the seventeenth year I think should come with me.. he said he is not going because I will have my partner in the house. Really don't if I have done the right thing selling.. but I just feel they aren't being fair

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Becky - posted on 08/10/2015

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Hi Amanda! I agree with the other moms that your children need to accept that you have your own life and will at times make decisions they don't agree with. On the other hand, as someone who has gone through these exact same things, I can understand where your son is coming from. He needs to feel that he is being heard -- even if the final decision is yours.

I have several suggestions that might make it a little easier and allow you to move forward:

-Have a heart-to-heart with your son. Ask him to specifically give you his reasons to not like your partner. Chances are, the reason is simply because he's not his dad. Understandable from his point of view. So give him a time-line and choices. For example, you can say you will be going to dinner with your partner (or do something your son really enjoys) on this date and you want to invite him. Give him several opportunities to join you. But give him an absolute date that your partner will come to your house for dinner. Your son will know what to expect and can make his plans accordingly. If you will be living together, give him an exact date it will happen and create a time-line of smaller steps leadding up to it.

-If you will be moving, one problem my daughter had was not only was it a new place but there was nothing left of dad. So even though it might be a bit uncomfortable for you, take along some of the thins in your current home that remind your son of his dad.

-Ask your son what else you could do to make the transition easier. Make sure he understands the transition WILL happen, but he can have some say into HOW it happens.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/11/2015

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Seriously, Amanda, every single one of us has said LET IT GO. He's close enough to legal adult age, and he's past age of emancipation. LET IT GO. He is not respecting you or your choices, he's blatantly said that he will not consider it. LET IT GO. Move forward.

Linda - posted on 08/10/2015

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Your kidds are old enough to understand you are moving on. You found someone you care about they should respect you enough to meet him. Have you tried setting up a meeting in a nuertal place like a restatraunt or maybe an outside even with other friends that sulport your relationship? That way it will be more of a relaxed enviroment for them to comunicate loosely.

Amanda - posted on 08/10/2015

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Should I just go hope he will come with me because if he didn't it would make me very unhappy. Feel tawn.. I have been with my partner for two years now and would love to take the relationship further.. he hasn't even met my childten yet because they refuse..so that's why I decided to sell my house fresh start. .wanted them to come with me but don't want to so carnt keep pleasing my children. .moving 40 mins away do u think that is unfair off me.

Raye - posted on 08/10/2015

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Your oldest two are adults now, and can do as they wish. The 17 year old needs to accept that you have this man in your life for several years now, and that he's not going away. You are the parent, and as long as your boyfriend is not a danger to your children then they need to grow up and get over it. If your son's siblings are willing to take him in, then that's up to them, and you shouldn't feel bad for moving on. You do deserve to have some happiness in your life. And if you found it with this other guy, then great.

Michelle - posted on 08/09/2015

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Well I would call his bluff and move. It's his choice and if his brother and sister are willing to take him then let them.
You need to show all of them that they can't control you. YOU are in charge of your own life!

Amanda - posted on 08/09/2015

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I want to move out off my area and start fresh. .do u think i should wait until my 17yr old has reached 18. He says he's not cuming with me and will stay with his brother and sister..

Amanda - posted on 08/09/2015

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Thanks for your reply.. you are right I have always given them anything they want..it's probably my fault , because now I want to just enjoy and be happy my childten are making me feel so guilty because I have chosen to sell my house..and move on with my life..

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2015

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I haven't read all of the replies but why are you letting your children control your life? Apart from the 17yo, they are all adults and should be allowing you to live your life the way you want to. It has nothing to do with them.
From what you have said about them, they sound like spoiled brats who have always had their own way. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I would NEVER dictate to my parents how to live their life.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2015

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Amanda, if the age of emancipation is 16, you can't force him to move with you.

Does he start University this fall? If so, then I wouldn't push the issue. I know that you don't feel as if you've done things right as a parent, but honestly, it sounds as if you gave in to their every whim, did everything that your children dictated you do...which is not how it should go. You HAVE to stop letting your children dictate your life, especially now!

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2015

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It's sixteen. .I feel as if I have failed if he doesn't want to come and live with me..my partner is not moving in yet but he still want come wit me. he doesn't want to tO live in the area where i want to go.. .he starts college so I am trying to get him to come where I am.going to live He is 18 next august

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2015

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What is the age of emancipation in your area? If it is 16 or older, then your son can be emancipated, and take care of his own. If his elder siblings then wish to take him in, they can do so.
If age of emancipation is not until 18, when he will legally be an adult, I'd give him the choice of residence, personally, but that's up to you. If he doesn't like your current beau, he will make your life miserable. I don't agree with that type of spoilt behaviour, but that is how teens act at times.
How long will it be before he's 18?

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2015

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Thanks for your feed back..really stressed out about this situation because my seventeen year old is refusing to come and live with me. He says that he wants to go with his older brother and sister to live. Which I bought the house for them as an investment when i sold mine..Because there dad is not around so they have no contact with him. Haven't seen him for two half's years. Do u think I should let him make is own choice or force him to come with me ..as a mum I feel he should still be with me..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/08/2015

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Well, tell me this: Who paid for that house? your kids? I doubt it.
All of your kids are old enough to get a friggin grip. NONE of them live with you, you said, so why is it ANY of their business who you choose to invite into your home?
Sounds to me as if they are ALL a bit spoiled, if they think that they can dictate what YOU do after they reach adulthood...
Sell the house. If one of them wants to PURCHASE the house because they grew up in it, then they are more than welcome to work with a realtor of their choice, put a down payment on it, and secure a mortgage!
As far as your 17 YO, don't push him. Tell him you love him, that you understand that he cannot come to terms with you moving on, and that he's welcome in your home at any time, and let his father handle him.

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