Sex life

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

My whole marriage, my husbands attitude and our sex life is being run by my stepdaughter. I do not know what to do anymore. We had a very nice day yesterday, looking for matric farewell dresses, had a bite to eat and just enjoyed it, I even got her the dvd's she wanted to look. When my husband got home we were sitting in the kitchen and I asked her to clean the kitchen sink and she ignored me, I asked again and was ignored again, I looked at my husband for help and he asked her to do it she got up with an attitude and did it, I asked my husband for assistance in this matter as it is becoming more of a problem. This was the third time this easter weekend that it happened. I am pissed of with this attitude and expect him to tell her to listen to me but he just wants to leave it like it is as he does not appreciate me asking him to be a little stricter and he does not want anyone to make her mad in any way, as long as she is sitting on the couch doing absolutely noting she is happy and full of giggles, if I ask her to do something she gets pissed of and angry. We have a full time domestic as I do not want to be the maid in the house. The domestic went home for the easter weekend and I asked them to give their full cooperation to keep the house clean. I got nothing from her. Every second day I do the washing, I have to ask five to six times for her to bring her washing which usually causes tension and my husband becoming a refrigerator towards me. I have to ask her 10 times to go and put her washing on the line, again attitude and icy coldness. I love them and especially my husband but I cannot cope anymore. We have a non existent love life and when there is tension like this he makes like he is ready but loses every bit of interest after starting

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Ev - posted on 04/08/2015

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I have to say first off, no two children will react to a divorce the same way with their pain. Each one deals with things differently because each person is different than any other. Please keep this in mind.
Now I had to go through a few points I found in your post and I quote them as follows with some thoughts:
1) "I understand their pain." The only way you can understand their pain is if you were once a child of divorce yourself and went through it or if you got on your own child's level during the divorce and talked to them. You can not totally understand the pain the child goes through...even I do not actually understand the pain my own two had to deal with but I saw it and understood that this was something that would haunt them for years to come.
2) "I actually understand the fact that they are teenagers and lazy." I have to disagree with this. Not all teens are lazy. It has to do with being raised in certain ways that makes them lazy. If brought up already doing the chores you described, they would still be doing them as long as the father was making sure they were. In this case he is not making sure that the daughter is doing her chores but allowing her to decide what she will do or won't do. That is making her lazy. She is not held accountable for her actions. I do not understand why he is more strict on the boy but that is another case.
3) " What I do not understand is why this normal phenomenon of teenagers, mood swings and laziness is suppose to have an effect on my bedroom life, why can't he just handle it like normal parents do?" I do not know where you get the idea that the way a normal teen is effects your life in the bedroom. It can add stresses to your marriage and relationship and carry over to the bedroom but I do not see how it is the only thing in your life that is effected. Is the daughter trying to come sleep in the room with you two at night? Now I could see that as an effect on your love life. As for handing things like normal parents do....he is handling it how he thinks it should be though its not the best way. I can not answer that question. You two need to sit down and talk this out with a marriage counselor and the family needs a family counselor.

And finally, you said in your main post you had full time help in the house for household chores and later int he same post you said you did the wash every second day? In later posts you said that the help is in 3 times a week or so. I am confused on this...is it full time housekeeping or part time housekeeping.

Raye - posted on 04/08/2015

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The past is past. He needs to give up the guilt, and be a proper parent to that child... and that includes making her unhappy sometimes. He should not be more strict with your child, he should treat them equally. He needs to let his daughter know that she must do as she's told, whether it's you telling her or him. You are partners, and you asking her to put the clothes away should be the same as if her father asked her to put the clothes away.

Again, I still don't know about helping your sex life. He's probably feeling trapped because he's not doing what he should for his daughter, and he's letting you down at the same time, and he doesn't know how to handle it. Counseling may help.

Michelle - posted on 04/08/2015

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You say you do your part when you need to, most of us do that day in day out. That's what being a wife and Mother is.
Most of the world don't have help unless you are very rich so we know what it's like to do EVERYTHING for our families ALL the time.
I think you really need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Let him know that he is going to have to step up and discipline his child. He need to be a Father and not back down when she starts crying, that's just teaching her to act like a toddler to get her own way.

[deleted account]

Hi Dove. I am really sorry that I apparently offended you in some way? I still have hired help, only three times a week, when I got married my husband had a help in the house 24/7. I got rid of the 24/7 help and started to learn them how to do things by themselves and for themselves, I am struggling to get them to learn this, I am also doing my part and more than my part as I do all the washing, cooking, ironing (when necessary), driving around, helping with schoolwork and all. The only thing I expect of them is to keep their rooms clean, themselves, their bathrooms and to hang up their clothes after I washed it. There is not much tension between me and my husband but when I ask my stepdaughter to do anything and her dad is around she will first ignore me and only react and do something if he asks her, that is what is making tension because now he thinks that there is going to be a fight and then he retreats totally from me. He cannot handle it when she is crying and not happy, he wants her to be smiley and full of fun because he feels guilty about divorcing her mother and he overcompensate for her because her mother is totally gone, no one knows where she is and she did not have any contact with the children in the last 15 years. With my stepson he is much more stricter because apparently he did not feel the pain of his mother leaving like she did, apparently he doesn't feel rejected like she does. I handle them equal, I understand their pain, I actually understand the fact that they are teenagers and lazy. What I do not understand is why this normal phenomenon of teenagers, moodswings and laziness is suppose to have an effect on my bedroom life, why can't he just handle it like normal parents do?

Dove - posted on 04/07/2015

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You have hired help because you don't want to be the maid... and you expect your stepdaughter to do this w/out attitude when you do not have the back up support of her father? AND you blame your stepdaughter for your sex life?

Yeah... OK then... I agree w/ all previous commenters.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/07/2015

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You want kids to do chores? Get rid of hired help.

If they're your step kids...Dad should be disciplining. If he doesn't want to, talk to HIM about it, and get him on the same page.

Raye - posted on 04/07/2015

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As a step-mother, I rely on my husband (the children's father) to do the disciplining. I rarely ask them for anything, and most of the time they comply. But you should have your husband demand that she do as she's told. I agree with Michelle that the child is probably spoiled by having a maid, and being used to not having to do anything for herself. It's not an excuse, but an explanation. Your husband should still make her mind. My husband does the wash for his kids and himself, and he makes them put their dirty clothes in the hamper and put their clean clothes away. I do the wash for my clothes, and I sometimes help him sort/fold the kids stuff. Kids need to learn that they will not just be handed everything in the real world, they will have to do things they don't like. Get your husband more involved, or have them go without. Maybe they would appreciate you then.

Not sure what advice to give about your love-life, but it can't be good if you both are so stressed all the time. Try to ease the tension before bed, bring up some good things that happened that day or something your husband did right, and do some kissing and touching, and see if he responds a bit more.

Ev - posted on 04/07/2015

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And you can not lay blame of your sex life on a child...the child has nothing to do with it. What is going on is the communication with the husband and how he treats you and you treat him affect the sex life you have. I think some couples counseling is in need here.

Michelle - posted on 04/07/2015

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Sorry but I assume you are in South Africa or nearby? In a way by having the "domestic" you have contributed to the children not helping around the house. Why should they when you pay someone else to do it. Just because the domestic had the weekend off, why should she have to? She hasn't had to help up until now.
Maybe just tell her once to do her washing and if she doesn't have clean clothes, tough luck. Don't go on about it to her if she doesn't want to listen to you the first time.

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