Sextalk feels it doesn´t work. How would you approach this?

[deleted account] ( 17 moms have responded )

My daughter doesn´t want to understand about why she shouldn´t have sex now in her age, fourteen.
I did talk to her this morning about it and it felt like she understood but she is just listen and doesn´t care I learned later.
I can´t trust her right now and for that I had read what she writes to her friends in her phone. I had heard she was intrested in a boy that is one year older then her.
I was shocked to read how she talk to him.
He said he was horney and she said she would come over if she could and she wanted to have sex with him without a condom, but he can´t come in her because she doesn´t want to get pregnant.
And other things she talk about around that.
I had have that discussion that she shouldn´t have sex now, she is not aloud for our laws her. I have warned her about sex diseases and she doesn´t seem to care when she talk like that to him.
I don´t know what to do. I don´t want her to know that I look her phone because she would get a lock on it so I can´t get in. How would you approach this?

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Dove - posted on 12/17/2015

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I wouldn't care if the father pays for the phone... she is in your house using it inappropriately... so it goes away. Period.

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2015

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If any of my kids put a lock on a phone that I pay for without telling me the access code. I'd take the phone away.
These texts she is sending could be sent to the entire school by this boy. We actually just had this happen in one of our local junior high schools. A girl sent a graphic text about what her body looked like (bra size, birthmarks, color of her nipples....it had a lot of details) to a boy she thought cared about her. He then pressured her to send a photo (which she did not do) but then the boy distributed her text to about a dozen boys in the school.
Not only is she discussing behavior that she is not ready for but she can't see the potential consequences of what she has already done. Does she want every boy in the school to think she'll have sex as w/o a condom as long as they "pull out"?
Also, pulling out is not safe either. Your dialog with your daughter needs to get more detailed and I hope you include self esteem, what to look for in a partner and that it is ok to wait. I have been talking to my kids since they were very young, and so far I have been proud of their behavior and choices in this area.

Dove - posted on 12/16/2015

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I'd take away her phone right away and tell her why you did it. You looked in her phone (you doing that should have been a condition of her HAVING the phone in the first place) and you are worried about her that she doesn't seem to be grasping the seriousness of her behavior.

Show her pictures of what these diseases can do to her. Have her write you a report detailing exactly how much it will cost her to raise a baby for the next 18 years. Maybe there is a teen pregnancy crisis center or similar that you can take her to in order to hear some real life stories from girls that didn't think it could happen to them.

Sex w/out a condom is just flat out idiotic (I'd tell her that... she's old enough to hear that she's acting like an idiot) and even sex WITH a condom is not a guarantee that she wouldn't get pregnant or get a potentially deadly disease.

Dove - posted on 12/17/2015

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Oh... and if he got her the phone to keep in contact w/ him... he can leave voicemail or text messages on her phone and she can check it once a day under your supervision and call him back on YOUR phone.... or just contact her through your phone in the first place.

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[deleted account]

That was not good at all. She doesn't think of those thing despite my warnings to her before. I just right now hope this guy isn't like that and sent it on to other guys what she has written to him. :(

Raye - posted on 12/17/2015

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If you delete a sent message in any program on the device she used, it will not delete it from the program on the device that he's using. Your child should know that anything she sends out, even if meant to be private, can easily become public, and (even if erased) is still stored on the device and can be retrieved with the correct software. Everything sent out is also stored on a backup server somewhere, and can be retrieved from there, too. So, it's PERMANENT. These things could affect her education and employment opportunities. People have been fired or refused a job due to content they've posted on Facebook. Even if you have settings to only show content to "friends", they can share or forward the info, and it can get to people you don't want to see it. Websites store your IP address, so they know what computers have visited certain sites. That info can be retrieved by authorities. Anything done online should never be considered private... EVER.

[deleted account]

Thank you all for your advice. The phone she has she got from her father and he is paying for it.
I live in Sweden and here the law says that you have to be 15 or older to have sex. If a 15 year old guy has sex with her he can be sent to jail.
I told her yesterday to her that if I was told that she has had sex I will report that to the police.
She said to me "I will not have sex I told you that and I don't want to have it either".
I don't understand why she writes to the guy like that if she doesn't want to, it doesn't make since.
I will however talk to her about what sarah e that this guy can put this up for others to see and how this will make her look. She has already wrote it. I haven't found where you can delete a sent messege in messenger. Do you know if I can?

Dove - posted on 12/16/2015

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I don't actually know for sure about the legalities of two under 16. lol

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2015

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Dove I am surprised at the contradiction between the law and well, the law. We provide BC and abortions to girls under 16 (in some but not all states) I give condoms to any age student who asks for them. I have cared for mother's as young as 12 in the past. The law does state that you must be at least 16 to consent to sex, but in some states you can consent to so many other things that permit you to have safe sex before you are 16.

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2015

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@JazzyGirl, I'd consider starting a dialog way before twelve. You want to be ahead of what he will hear at school from his friends. You'll know he is ready for information when he starts asking questions.

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2015

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I know that the age of consent if 16, but since they are both under 16, does that apply?

JazzyGirl - posted on 12/16/2015

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You need to be more direct, for starters i'm planning on having the sex talk with my son when he's twelve. They start younger and younger each time around. If she's not handling responsibilities the adult way but thinks she'[s ready for grown up things then she doesn't need a phone. Sure she'll get mad at you for invading her privacy once you've talked to her about the situation but youre the adult something needs to be done.

MaryAnn - posted on 12/16/2015

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First things first, there shouldnt be ONE discussion, there should be MANY. At fourteen, you can, and should have some control over her mobile access. However, at fourteen, you cant control every minute of her day. If she wants to have sex, she will. Prepare her. Take her to see a doctor or nurse at the local sexual health clinic. Talk about sti testing and birth control, and condoms, condoms, condoms. Leave them in inconspicuous places.
Giving her the knowhow and the authority to take care of herself may help her with self esteem, and help her make better, or at the very least, safer decisions.

Raye - posted on 12/16/2015

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You should be looking in her phone and monitoring her activities on texting, apps and internet. Kids can get into a lot of trouble these days by not understanding that activities they think are harmless (like sending a picture), can get them and/or others in serious trouble or sent to jail. If she won't let you look at her phone, she shouldn't have it.

Keep trying to talk to her. Tell her that any unprotected sex (even if the guy pulls out before ejaculating) can lead to pregnancy. Not only would she have a baby to take care of for the rest of her life (or at least 18 years), she would have to deal with the guy who is the babies' father even if she stops liking him... he will be in her life forever.

If you can't seem to get through to her, then you just have to keep her busy and away from the boy as much as you can. She will be mad, but that's better then letting her engage in inappropriate behavior.

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