Sexual abuse situation roars it's ugly head once again!

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

I just found this site while reading my daily devotional. A mom had told of her husband's (stepfather to her child) "one time" touching of her daughter inappropriately. This same exact thing happened to my daughter when she was 9 yrs. old. I was in shock. This behaviour was NOT my husband. We sought counselling from our pastor. OUr pastor NEVER suggested that he move out of the house. My husband successfully manipulated our pastor and me into believing that his behaviour was solely based on his being high and drunk!! two other things I did not know that he was at the time!! He repented of this sinful behaviour and as far as I know he never did it again. This type of person is "really" good at hiding things, something I have painfully learned during the 22 years I have stayed married to him!! There were other "sexual sins" that my husband committed while we have been married and he has repented again and again and the pastor counselled him and "held us together" I considered our pastor a very wise man - but now I know that this was not an area of his expertise! He was really "off course", but I was weak at the time, in love with my husband and in shock. I strongly suggest to that woman that she NEVER go back to that man. My daughter is now married with a child and I never knew until recently when she spoke out, how much she struggled with loving me and hating me all these years for allowing him to stay. ONE TIME does as much damage as more than one time! I am now in the process of divorcing my husband. It's been a long struggle for me as this was a second marriage and I did not want to fail in the eyes of God. Now I am calling on Him to give me the strength to go out on my own and try and repair the damage between my daughter and I. I have two other daughters and we have talked about this over and over. He never touched them and now that they know, they question my decision and it's very difficult to explain. If this happens in any household, get the abuser out! No matter how nice they are or if they tell you it won't happen again. It will - maybe not in the same way - but in another "sexually sinful" way. These "types" of people are all about sex and not the right kind.

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Jenni - posted on 03/09/2011

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I understand your motive Anne and I find it encouraging. My post wasn't directed at your situation but situations like this in general.

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Michelle - posted on 08/28/2015

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Locking since it's a very old post. Feel free to start your own.
Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

[deleted account]

thank you jennifer. This site has already been of great help to me. Not just the replies I have received, but reading about others who have experienced this situation, and the path that their lives have taken. I am encouraged by the strength of the women who have been able to separate themselves from these abusers, and can truly feel the pain of the women who have not been able to do so.

[deleted account]

I believed my daughter and my husband confirmed her accusation. What followed was a trip to church and a pastor who thought the whole situation was redeemable. I see now that this is NOT a redeemable situation. My husband may have repented, and never touched her again, but the fact is that he did it! I agree there is no excuse and she should not have had to face him EVER again. What I am trying to do here is to tell my story so other mothers will take this issue seriously and get rid of the abuser! Once they have abused they need to get help and can't expect to return to having a relationship with the family. Just as a drug or alchohol addict cannot return to the situation they were in when they overused drugs and alcohol.

Jenni - posted on 03/09/2011

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This sounds like my life story except I was the child.

I told my mother once when I was 6 years old and she choose to believe my father over me. She spoke to the pastor at our church but not directly about the molestation, I believe she said he had been cheating on her. I told her again when I was 12 years and was in so many words hushed and told not to rock the boat. That we would be taken into foster care if I had and worse things would happen to us.

It wasn't until I was 19 and living on my own that I found the strength to go back and check on my younger brother and sister. I found out he had also touched my brother who was 12 years old at the time. I gave my mother an ultimatim, Him or Us. She chose us but I still feel it was out of self-preservation, her biggest fear was going to jail.



I went many years without speaking to her. It took me many years to forgive her. My brother now suffers from skitzoprenia bi-polar disorder and has attempted suicide a handful of times. He is constantly in and out of the hospital or jail. It leaves permanent scars and completely screws people up. The feelings of disgust, self-hatred, worthlessness follow us into adulthood.

These people *do* do it again. Sex offenders cannot be rehabilitated. Not through councilling or incarceration. The repeat offence rate of a sexual offender is 85%... the other percentage probably don't get caught.



If I found out someone EVER touched my child in an inappropriate way, he'd be lucky to walk away with his gear in tact.

[deleted account]

If it was your brother who accused you of never giving him a chance - that's just him not wanting to take responsibility for his actions. It's easy for him to blame someone else for WHY he did it again. I was also blamed for my husband's actions, by my husband. I wasn't giving him enough sex. Enough sex was never enough for him!! I doubt that your mother thinks you less important than your sister. I'm sure she believed you, but she also loved her son and that must have been tough for her, but when your sister came forward, then she had no choice but to reject him. I have talked with my girls and they know the situation I was put into, but they find it hard to understand my decisions. When I look back, I really wonder why I didn't see it differently. I guess i thought I could control the situation since it was out in the open and my husband could not hide it any longer. It is something that NO ONE should have to live with and I feel really bad that my daughter had to face him day after day.

Brooke - posted on 03/09/2011

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I agree totally. If it happens once, get out!
This is not a one-off thing, like, say, shoplifting, where they can be taught that it's wrong, and never to do it again. This is sonmething that is deep inside, it is part of what makes them. You know, person A has red hair, person B is gay, person C likes cold weather, person D is a child molester.
It is not something that can be changed without, basically, shock treatment.
My brother molested me (and his other sister on his Dad's side) when I was 9, and went to a detention centre for 18 months. When he came out, everyone told me that I should move on, that he was 'rehabilitated'. This was a load of crap, and when I told my other brother that he had done it again when I was 14, his reply was "I believe you, but don't bother telling anyone else, because they won't, because everyone knows you are a trouble-maker."
I was soo angry about that.
I have since spoken to my other brother about this, and he told me that he regrets that advice more than anything. He especially regretted it when our niece was taken by welfare due to suspicion of her father. I spent so many years telling everyone that he was not "cured", and when it all fell apart, I was accused of never giving him a chance.
Sorry to waffle on, but I guess there is still a lot of anger inside. I can understand my mother not cutting him out of her life or anything- after all, she's his Mum too- but I really feel that she should have made an effort to protect her girls better. My mother told me years later that she finally threw him out because she suspected, but had no proof, that he was messing with my sister. To this day I still wonder if my mother thought me less important than my sis- after all, why protect her and not me?
But you know what? I can understand it. She- and you- were also learning, a bit at a time. Admit to your girls that you made a wrong decision, but hopefully they will understand that you were trying.

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