Share your thoughts and opinions with me.

Lily - posted on 03/09/2012 ( 76 moms have responded )

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I just want to know every ones input on my relationship because I'm not really quit sure whats the right thing to do and not to do. You can say i'm second guessing and also i'm confusing my own self.



My husband and I have been married for three years and we have two beautiful daughters who's 19 months and 4months old. Our marriage has been really rough from the start. We have our goods and bads like every other relationship have it. Just recently my husband read my text with some good old friends of mines and misunderstood them and took it like i was cheating on him, so without saying anything or asking he walked out with his cloths and took all our money , close our banking accounts and change his number. When i woke up that day he was already gone with his mom. He has blocked us out and refused to get in contact with us because his family won't allow him to. Now that i finally got a hold of him he wants me to go beg him back at his parents house or call them and let them know that i want this marriage to work. i don't feel like i should have to do that because we are both at fault here and on top of that if he loved us he would come home him-self. Now my family is making me chose between them both. I don't know who to chose because i don't want to chose, i just want them both to be apart of my life. my family has always been there to back me up and been there for me when i need someone. my husband is the father of my two children and i love him. But this has also been the second time he walked out on me and my kids. he wants me to prove to him that i still want to be with him and for the last month i have tried to talk to him and met up with him to try and work things out for the better of this marriage, i even went to go pick him up but he refused to come home with me, yet he say's it's not enough. Should i give him another chance and risk loosing my family again or should i just move on and just support my kids on my own and still know i still have my family? I don't know who to chose because both my husband and family has hurted me in ways i'll never forget it. Please help me pin point my decision and help give your thoughts so i can decided what i should do.

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Krista - posted on 03/09/2012

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not quit sure about physically because he has pushed me here and there and pinch me and smack me on my arms and legs and once he smash my phone because he thought i was cheating on him.



Okay, I hadn't read this before responding. YES, Lily, he has physically abused you. And he is mentally and emotionally abusing you.



The man is a narcissistic sociopath. He cares for nothing and nobody but himself. And if your life doesn't revolve around him, or doesn't convenience him at all times, he pouts and runs away and throws a tantrum.



He doesn't love you. He doesn't love his children. He only loves himself. Do not go back to this man. You may love him, but that does not matter. He does not love you, and he never will -- he is not capable of love, only of selfishness. You are better off by yourself, with your family's support, than with a man who treats you like this.



And if you're still not sure, ask yourself this: if your daughters were grown, and their husbands were treating them that way, would you be happy? No? Then why are you putting up with it?

Deidre - posted on 03/09/2012

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I have been married and divorced 2 times. I am a firm believer that when there is no ABUSE present there is a way to make it work. It's extremely difficult when the "Other" person refuses to communicate. This, in actuality, is part of an Abuse cycle. It may not seem like it, but it certainly is. It is called "The silent treatment". So many people have been exposed to this and therefore feel it is normal. I am here to tell you that NO IT IS NOT!! Just because we are use to it doesn't make it the norm.

You have also done everything possible on your part to reconcile. He is utilizing his "Power and Control" over you by making you BEG. Domestic Violence comes in all forms. There is a Cycle that includes, but is not limited to: Control of Finances, Silent treatment, Isolation, Mind Games, Emotional Anguish, Verbal attacks, even mere sarcasm is considered Domestic violence.



In both my marriages I went over and beyond the call of duty to deny what was happening. I was to the point of making appointments for marriage counselling, too. Both did the whole "I promise this won't ever happen again or I would NEVER do anything to hurt you." I forgave them every single time and always ended up all screwed up!! It takes TWO to make a relationship work. And when ABUSE is involved the only way it works is when YOU GET YOURSELF OUT!! Trust me it is worth it in the end. If you can't think for your safety, then you must think of your children first. You may think"What does she mean by safety?" I say that because as I've explained about the cycle it also means there is a pattern that eventually perpetuates and gets worse. The sooner you break this cycle the better you and your family will be. I will be praying for you and your kids if you don't mind. It takes a tremendous amount of guts and courage to actually take action. It took me years to finally grasp it whole heartedly. You are worth so much more than what you think you deserve.

Jenni - posted on 03/09/2012

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How are you both at fault? I'm not following. You said he misunderstood the text msg between you and your girlfriends. Can you clarify how this is your fault.



Because if it is as you say... an innocent text message that was misinterpreted. Then no, you are not at fault for anything. And begging him to come back and chasing him is only confirming to him that you feel guilty for something. He wants you to chase after him when by the sounds of it he is the one with trust issues. You haven't done anything to breech that trust have you? If the answer is no. This is his problem, not yours. And he needs to work on that himself. It isn't something you can fix by ass kissing him and pleading for him to come back. He's the one with the self esteem issue, not you. He's the one that closed all your bank accounts ran off from you and your children instead of trying to handle it like an adult. And does he not care about your kids? How you're going to feed them?? About seeing them?



Personally, I'd be livid if my husband did this for no good reason. I'd tell him: "Look. I haven't done anything wrong. If you want to make this work, that's up to you. I am here to support you. You need help with your insecurities and trust issues, and I want to support you in that if you're willing to seek the help. But there is nothing I have to hide. And there is nothing I can do to earn your trust when I've done nothing wrong. That is your issue. It is yours to fix. I'll wait for you to figure it out, but I can't wait forever".

Jenni - posted on 03/09/2012

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And be prepared. The moment you put your foot down and stop trying to contact him or tell him it is indeed over, he's going to try everything in his power to get you back. He is going to hate that you are taking power back into your own hands. He gets to decide when your relationship ends, not you. All of this running away BS is just to establish dominance, to scare you and put you in your "rightful place". He doesn't expect you to take him up on the offer. He expects you to beg him to return (like the last time he did it).



The moment he realizes you decided not to take him back. He will turn on the charm. He will swear up and down he's going to change. That you've showed him the error of his ways. That he needs you and can't live without you. Buy you flowers, gifts, whatever he can to convince you he realizes how wrong he was and is willing to change for you. This is all just an act and quite common in abusive relationships. He'll live up to the bargain for a few weeks or months and then fall back into his old ways. Don't fall for it.

Jenni - posted on 03/09/2012

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I strongly suggest you look into a support group Lily for women in the similar situations as you. I think that will help immensely. You may meet other women who have or are going through the same thing as you to add to your support team.



I would also recommend working on independence. Finding hobbies you enjoy, spending lots of time with those girls of yours, getting a job if that's possible... basically doing things that make you feel good, confident about yourself and independent. I wouldn't have any contact with him while you are in the healing process. I'd fear he might guilt you back into the relationship. If he wants to see the children, make sure it is supervised with your family present.

76 Comments

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Becky - posted on 03/30/2012

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He has no right to keep you walking on eggshells like this. It is outright abuse to consistently manipulate someone with the threat of leaving, or to make you jump through hoops to "prove your love" or whatever it is he expects of you. If you're willing to take him back after he walked out on you instead of trying to talk through a problem with you, and then he says even THAT'S not enough for him, then you'll never be able to do enough for him. He's looking for something to hold over you. Don't give it to him. If he thought you and your children were worth it, he would have stayed and tried to talk through the discrepancy with you before leaving you. If your family is supporting you, you're in a perfect situation to go ahead and move on from a manipulator like him.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/28/2012

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The way he is treating you is abuse. He doesn't have to hit you to do it. It's called emotional and psychological abuse. If you go beg for him back the way he has demanded you then he knows he has control over you. Walking out the way he did was his choice. The so called reason he gave you is bull. Seek out a support group and show him that you don't need him to be a mother and to make it with your children. What he did is also illegal. You can file abandonment charges. You need to get the bank records cause he can go to jail for cleaning out the bank accounts. Half that money is yours. If you rely on him for a living then he has abandoned you and your children. I have been through this before. Do not go crawling back after him. You are not a dog! The bible says we are to be submissive to our godly husbands, not their door mat. Husbands are to love their wives as they do themselves. "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." 1Peter 3:7. Go see a lawyer, if you are not working and have no income. Go to Department of Family and Children Services and apply for foodstamps, medicaid, and tanf. Go to the local police department and file abandoment charges. And go to Child Support services. Then see who crawls back to who. When all those people start crawling up his but he will be begging you to take him back.

Tina - posted on 03/25/2012

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I really feel for you. It's hard to separate those emotions you love him and he is the father of your children. I can understand him getting jealous. I am a very jealous person. But there are better ways of dealing with it. He sounds very selfish and doesn't care or understand enough to put you as his priority. The fact he walked out taking all your money would be grounds to say don't come back for me. Simply because you need to be able to support your kids and have a stable home without worrying about that all coming undone because of a text message. I'd say turn things around. Focus on you and your kids let him do the begging. Don't give into him it's just mind games. It's a power trip and just another form of abuse. If he is a caring decent guy he'll do the begging and do everything he can to take care of you, earn your trust again and do everything for you and the kids. But the fact he wouldn't even take you to hospital spells out what he's really like. I know your family sounds harsh but it's probably just their way of trying to protect you. Definately find someone to trust to talk to and vent to and to also keep you strong because he'll probably still try to make you feel guilty, when you have nothing to feel guilty about. We try so hard to hold it together for the kids but sometimes it's better to let go. Also my mums boyfriend use to be very much like this he would walk out like your partner has. 18 years down the track they have 8 kids of their own she's working partime and he pissed off hours away. It's better to walk away early on than later.

Becca - posted on 03/25/2012

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He abandon you and his daughters. Us it against him if he seeks custody. Save a text messages, emails,etc from him. You can only use things in court against him that you can prove. Dont have meetings with him unless its in a public place. Superviserd visitation with his daughters. Move on even though youre hurting. Show him you dont need him to be happy. That youre a strong woman and that you can survive without him. Definately find a good attorney. Seek child support. Dont be afarid to ask for the things you want from the divorce.

Good luck and God Bless.

Shinta Dhammayanti - posted on 03/24/2012

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Lily,



I understand if your pain is simply numbing, right now.

But you mustn't succumb to weakness. TJ is right. This is a very crucial phase for you, now.

If you don't stand on your own, be strong, & take a bold step into independence, there IS a chance that he & his family will try to gain custody over your daughters. If you're weak, you'll lose everything! So, be strong!

Put aside your pain & heartbreak. Use your logic. Grab your independence. Focus on your future -- and your daughters' future.

Your pain will subside once you realize how sweet & wonderful the freedom of independence really is. There's a beautiful future waiting for you & your baby girls. Don't let the shadows of the past overpower you.

God bless!

TJ - posted on 03/24/2012

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Lily, I am sorry you are in pain, but you are better off to know this now and begin again for yourself and your daughters. He does not sound like someone mature enough to build a family with, a real partnership. May you and your girls be blessed with new beginnings of joy. Be careful in allowing him to see them. It sounds like he and his family will be talking down about you, and may try to gain custody through adverse means. Be cautious!

Lily - posted on 03/23/2012

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No more fighting for this marriage last night he told me he was happy to be away this long because he was tired of me nagging for help and the arguments we use to have. He said that he only misses his daughters. I ask him if he still had feelings for me and he couldn't answer me. He already said if I didn't call his parents than all he wants is a divorce. He will never come back to us. So I'm taking the chance and letting go. I've realized we will never be his first priority. The pain is just numbing now.

Kristal - posted on 03/16/2012

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Personally I think you should just let him go...Like you said if he truly loved you and wanted to come back home he would have. To me, it seems like he just waits for an excuse to leave. And from my past experiences...when they get mad at you for something like this "cheating" and you know you haven't, usually means they did! That's speaking from my own experience, I was accused regularly of cheating with my friends who happened to be males....then I found out that he was cheating with numerous women!! He accused me so I wouldn't see that he was doing it. I think the best thing to do is leave it alone and take care yourself and your children. They are the most important people to you right now. If you are supposed to make things work, you guys will, but if you are making an effort already and he keeps telling you he needs more...I'd stop and just let him come back to you.

Audra - posted on 03/16/2012

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First of all, anyone is welcome to make demands in exchange for whatever it is they feel they are giving you...money, time and attention, etc. That doesn't make their demands reasonable, and that doesn't mean that you should feel pressured to meet them. Both of your families are too involved in YOUR family's matters. Their ridiculous demands are the evidence of that. It is ridiculous to demand that you choose between YOUR family and theirs. It is also ridiculous to expect you to call them, and meet your husband at their home to beg him to come home. Their role is to smile, say encouraging things, and support you. If they can't do that, consider how healthy it is for you to have a relationship with them.



Your husband is behaving like a selfish child if he left you with the kids, gave you no access to any financial support, and made it difficult for you to reach him. His family should not be OK with that behavior. How are you supposed to feed your kids??



I imagine you're in a frightening position. First, surround yourself with happy people. Period. Relieve them of the burden of managing YOUR family life for you, and tell them that all you want from them is emotional support. Ask God for strength. Then, it comes down to...is your husband willing to work through your issues with you and save your marriage? Your in-laws, parents, and siblings are NOT marriage counselors. Don't meet at their homes. Get real help.



If he's not willing, can you live with yourself after you meet all of his/his parents' demands? They'll likely see you giving in as an admission that you were in the wrong, and that their son did nothing wrong. Any time your husband is unhappy, he'll likely throw a similar fit. It's OK to set boundaries. You must set boundaries. A partnership does not exist without them. Get help if you don't know what those boundaries should be.

Angela - posted on 03/16/2012

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Why not give him a taste of his own medicine? But disguise it so it (initially) looks like you're falling in with his wishes.



Since he's insistent on you "begging" him back and doing so in front of his family, this is what you can do .....



Get your children minded by your family (or your friends). Put on your smartest, most attractive clothing - have your hair done. If you don't have a car of your own then BORROW the nicest, smartest car you can find ... Go to his parents house and knock on the door. Walk into the house with confidence and self-assurance oozing from every pore. Do NOT look downtrodden or harassed! Ask him coolly if he's coming home or not. Before he gives his answer explain you would like him to pay his way and help raise the children he helped to create. And that you'd like free time as much as he would. So whatever babysitting you do for his children when he goes out, then he must do the same for you when YOU wish to go out. Ensure you say all this in front of his parents.



As soon as he objects say "OK - you're not happy with my terms, have a nice life and you'll be hearing from my attorney..." If his family have anything to say look at them pointedly and say "I thought marriage was about TWO people?"



But don't hang about to argue. Leave the house, jump in the car and GO!



I guarantee he will change his outlook - not necessarily for the better, but you don't care - do you? You're going to be happier without him. Just don't pass up on the opportunity to "show" him the strong woman you can be - in front of his parents! LOL!!

User - posted on 03/16/2012

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do not put yourself on the begging side, i've been ther and believe me it is the worst place to be. Yuo can ask your two year old to eat but not an adult to come back to his own home. He is the man, the head at that, he must know what is right, you cant be telling him what is right all the time. If u beg this second time, u are telling him i will always beg u. Let him be, he will come back. By the time he wants you to beg him to come back means he actually wants to come Back. i think he has insecurity issues which most men do by the way, and he needs lots of assurance but is trying to get it the wrong way. Put God in your marriage,youll be amazed at how powerful he is at building marriages

Joanna - posted on 03/14/2012

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Your husband has real trust issues. Wht was he even reading your text messages in the first place? Because he does not trust you thats why. He wants you to beg him to come home to his children and you. Why would you even think about doing this after he took all the money and left you with an empty account. I would never beg im to come back or take him back. How many times will it take for him to do this to you and your children cause to me he is not a husband or a father in his right mind.. CONTROLING YOU IS WHAT HE IS DOING. Any person that does this is not worth your breath at all. Cut your losses now and move on there lots of men out thre who well love you and your children better and more than that so called of a husband or father... Sorry this sounds so mean but I have ben there and done this for 6 yrs with an ex boyfriend.....

Charlane - posted on 03/14/2012

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If he really cared and wanted you back he would make the effort and not give you such a hard time... My Opinion is that his heart is not there anymore and if he has walked out on you previously as well, then he is making it a habit and you keep doing it to you to hurt you.



I suggest moving on with your life... he he really still cares and he sees that you won't beg and is ready to move on then he will come begging to you... if not then you know you made the right decision.



If he sees you beg, it gives him power over you and will hurt you whenever he feels like it.



I talk from experience.



Hope you come right. - Be strong and take it easy.

Joanne - posted on 03/13/2012

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It sounds like you husband is asking you to jump through hoops. As you said you didn't do anything wrong. Move on live your life and he will soon be asking to come back and then it could be on your terms or a mutual understanding. You really shouldn't have to beg, if he loved you he would want to be with you no questions asked. Trust is a very big issue to overcome.

User - posted on 03/13/2012

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I hear a lot of "family is making" going on here. If you're both adults, no one is making you do anything. Make your own decisions, your family be damned.

Shinta Dhammayanti - posted on 03/13/2012

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Lily,



I agree with Jenni, Krista, & Deidre.

It seems that you only have one option:

If your husband doesn't change, DON'T EVER COME BACK TO HIM (even if he's begging you on his knees).

You & your daughters are much better off on your own. It seems that your family cares enough for you, so I guess they'll help you to gain independence (both financially as well as socially).

Let me tell you my story: I grew up under the care of a tyrannical father who always mentally abused my mother & was always harsh on me & my siblings. His treatment had caused my mother to develop vertigo, & after his death, her symptoms worsened & she ended up suffering from CVA (a.k.a. stroke).

While looking after her, I couldn't help myself to ask her one thing that had been haunting me for decades, "Why didn't you divorce Dad, Mom?"

She looked at me, definitely dumbfounded, & answered, "Because it's not the custom in our culture for a wife to divorce her husband. And besides, I had my children's interests to prioritize."

That was the point when I blew up. "And you think growing up under his care was best for us? We would have grown up into better persons if you raised us as a single mother. Even if it meant life would be tougher, we would have grown stronger, with more than enough freedom & happiness to spare."

My mother was speechless...

Have you ever thought what your daughters will one day tell you if you maintain this unhealthy marriage?

Look into your daughters' eyes, Lily. You'll find more than enough strength to survive!

Bobbi - posted on 03/13/2012

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Okay just saying this is insane. Your family is childish & his & yours, & him, You need to be an example period, who give a crap who you have in your life in the end your duaghter wont look up to them or him they will look up to you, So pick yourself up by the bootsstaps & do whatever it is you have to do, to show your duaghters you are a strong indepentant woman & stand on your own, if someone wnats to be in your life they will do it now make excuse & make you beg & your family should be ashamed making your choose between your husband & father or your kids & them & his family needs to mind their own business & if he can walk out 2x already you better bet your ass he willl do it again, with gods help & posative thinking you will be alright move forward not back ward, & when you grow up & have a family of your own no one but you gets to say how that family is ran. Im sorry to be so blunt but I have to be straight forward in you really want an opion

ANNETTE - posted on 03/13/2012

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well I stayed with who is now my recent X for my boys and it only made me more and more miserable as the years went on.... right now you can get him for abandonment and I would do just that. Cut your losses and move on, 'cause I've been there done that and wish I never would have..... it crushed my sole staying with him...... and I made bad choices because of him.... don't do that to yourself..... you deserve to be happy and not play head games which it sounds to me thats exactly what your husband is doing to you...... be strong for your children and be wise and move on....

TJ - posted on 03/13/2012

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http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/



Visit the above website and spend a few hours looking around. Read and listen to all clips available. You are NOT ALONE... and NO, you are not crazy. He is an abuser. You have a chance to get away -- TAKE IT, it's a GIFT! Many abused people don't get such a chance because they are watched or imprisoned by their abusers. Many are killed. Don't let that be you and your kids!



The first thing you must do is make a pledge to yourself and your daughters, to make a great life for yourself and them. They need a strong, educated woman to be their mother, a wonderful role-model... YOU.



Don't just be a survivor... BE A THRIVER.



I am here for you. Write me privately if you'd like. I have more info that will help you.



Namaste.

Lily - posted on 03/12/2012

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for those who have asked about why both our family is getting involved is : my family is in it because they care for me and now that i have no one to help me provide for my two kids, they help me. For his family: because they are low life's who doesn't like me and can't accept me who i am and they spoil my husband and i don't allow that because i wasn't raised being spoiled or having everything handed to me. i work my buns off for everything i wanted and everything i had. they say i'm to bossy and i never let him have his free time when he wants it. but i say it's his job to let go of his FREE TIME and GROW THE EFF UP to take his responsibility, i don't see why thats too much to ask from my husband and for a husband to give back to his family? also there is no free time when you have a family to support. i allow him ONE DAY of the week to his self as for him i can't even have an HOUR of peace. so thats why his family doesn't like me and they want me out of the picture so his mom is doing everything she can to get me out. and YES he is a mommys boy. but he doesn't know and see that his family doesn't even care for him as much as i do. they only come to him when they need him to do something for them and he never sees that its a shame i loved him so much. when ever i do something for him he never appreciates it but when his family uses him he says they love him more! i hope one day i will look back at this and know i didn't failed to keep my marriage together but i grew stronger as a individual with the help from all of you. :)

Lily - posted on 03/12/2012

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i was out of town for two days and i'm surprised to see so many support from all of you. i was reading the thread and notice someone must of had wrote something ugly? well i didn't see it so it doesn't hurt me and sorry i missed your comments whom ever it was. :) thanks to all your help i'ts starting to be a little easy for me to move on. i'm glad to say that i have took most of your advice and now he's wanting to communicate with me. he also said that if i don't call and talk to his family that it would be the end of our marriage and i told him that if it was that easy to decide and if he was going to base our marriage off that dumb question then so be it. and now he's been calling me and texting me more :) but sadly he doesn't know he's on my block list; its the only way i can forget about him. I told him recently that if by the end of this month he doesn't return home and try to work it out i will no longer be waiting for him. because i am a full time college student and a full time mother of two also i'm looking for jobs so i can provide for my girls since he no longer wants to be apart of us. Wish me luck ladys! I pray god will help guide me through. Thanks so much for all your support! I appreciate all of your opinions.

Doreen - posted on 03/12/2012

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Holy cow girl....get out, get child support, and make a happy life for you and your children. Little things turn in to very big things. Don't let your children witness ANYBODY lay their hands on you! Think if it were happening to them...what would you advise them? Insecurity is HIS issue and something HE has to get over. You can't make him do it...trust me...you will make yourself CRAZY trying to fix him!

Julie - posted on 03/12/2012

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stand firm - he sounds like he's got a big ego that puts his needs above yours... and the girls'



It was his decision to leave ... why should you go begging?



Tell him he has to decide what is important in his life...



In the meantime tell him you are seeking a lawyer just in case he doesn't have his priorities right -

Jessica - posted on 03/11/2012

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Sorry but I think he should be doing the proving not you he's the one who has walked out on you and the kids twice and wanting you to beg, make him do the begging! If you've done nothing wrong then you should just get on with your life raising the kids and just forget he is even around he'll get the message and maybe decide to come talk with you instead of acting like a coward. His family should know better than to interfere!

Gloria - posted on 03/11/2012

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lily, my heart goes out to you and your children. i know from a personal experience of both loosing a spouse to death and separating from my current husband, that the latter can be more painful than the first! my faith got me through, along with a wonderful circle of support. one of those friends gave me a book, ^divorce remedy^^ . it is a sequel to the original divorce busters. the information is priceless. it is a true practical guide to help you through this time. the end result in most cases is a marriage remade in heaven! i promise there is hope. there is also a website that michelle (the author) has that is call divorcebusters where you can chat with others and help guide you to what you need to to. the maijn focus is that you MUST take care of yourself and your children. you are all they have. if you are not well, spiritually, mentally and physically, they have noone. guard your heart with the practical applications expressed in this wonderful book. you will learn how to go one day at a time and how to change the only person you can, YOU. you cannot change him, honey, but you can certainly take charge of your own life and put an end to the manipulation. i hope this helps. God bless you on your journey.

Marie - posted on 03/11/2012

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No. 1 you said you didn't do nothing wrong (didn't cheat) does he know he misunderstood that situation? If he does then there's nothing to apologize for is there? He should apologize for jumping the gun BUT first and foremost the kids are what's most important here & being as I don't know either one of you I can only give you my opinion & here it goes. I think your husband needs to grow up. Stop leaning on Mommy & Daddy or whatever. Sounds to me like he's spoiled rotten. Tell THEM you want the marriage to work? I don't get that one at all. HIm? Yes. Them? WTF. Dang girl he so needs to get a life. You need to tell that boy that he's a Father now & Husband & he needs to act like one or maybe you should go out & find one. I mean DANG! Maybe if he sees that he's not No. 1 the kids are & that's probably what it is. All of a sudden he wasn't No. 1 in your life anymore & you're not waiting on him hand & foot anymore the kids demand all your time now, so he's JEALOUS! So he's having a hissy fit. Catch my drift? Well, that's all up to you. That's just my opinion. GOOD LUCK & remember you have a place too & a mom's job is hard sounds to me like he's not helping out at all, but creating bigger problems. Oh boy, I better shut my mouth right here & wish you GOOD LUCK Sweetie.

Jennifer - posted on 03/11/2012

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Be carful of the anger/control that will come when you start thinking and acting on your own. He has been manipulating you for awhile. So first he will be all sorry baby and stuff. If you stick to your guns most likely her will become more aggressive so be prepared for that. He might not but be prepared for it please!!

Danielle - posted on 03/11/2012

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No you married him, that's enough proof that you wanted to be with him and wanted to work this out. If he just walked out on you, that's one thing althought it's still NEVER ok, but you have two little girls involved and he took all the money which shows he clearly doesn't give a shit about you or your daughters. A real man would have talked to you about it AND would have had the courage to tell you that it makes him uncomfortable so you guys could find a reasonable solution. Usually a guy who is so quick to accuse you of cheating, is cheating. And if your little girls were adults and you saw them going through a relationship like this would you be ok with that? Hopefully you'd be furious and advise them to leave his sorry ass.

Angela - posted on 03/11/2012

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He read a text between you and friends which he misconstrued and thought it was evidence of you being unfaithful? He walked out talking all your money & closed bank accounts? His family won’t “allow” him to contact you? He refused to come home with you when you went to pick him up but is open to the 2 of you getting back together if you either go to his parents’ house to beg him to return to you or phone THEM to let THEM know that you’re serious about your marriage and want it to work? Your family say you have to choose? Have I got all that right?



OK – some more questions …..



Why is he reading texts on your phone in the first place?

Why was he so fast to assume you’d cheated?

And even if he genuinely DID believe you’d cheated, how is this justification for walking out with all the money and then emptying the bank accounts?

His family won’t “allow” him to contact you? Is he an adult? How does he need their permission? Wow!!

He needs you to make some “show” to convince his family before he will return to you yet if he really loves you, wouldn’t the fact you went round there to collect him be good enough reason for him to return with you if he really loved you?

What the hell does it have to do with his family?

And what the hell does it have to do with YOUR family?



You both need to grow up! And tell both families to butt out!

[deleted account]

***WARNING***



I had to delete posts because of personal attacks. Ladies please follow the rules of the site or we will have to close the thread.



Thanks,

MOD

Julianne

Jenni - posted on 03/11/2012

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I've noticed by other poster's advice, they have not read Lily's additional posts. Her husband has abused her mentally, emotionally and physically. I don't see this as a situation where it would be safe for her and her children to reconcile.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/11/2012

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Pansy, your post about her lack of education and criticizing her writing is totally inappropriate and unnecessary.



Lily, you should NOT have to chose, but it sounds like your husband is trying to make you jump through hoops. It concerns me that he has left before this current incident. My gut reaction is that if you two get back together, this will not be the last time he up and leaves. This sounds like an extremely controlling relationship on his part.



I never like to encourage a marriage to break up, but it does take both parties to make it work, not just the wife running and begging for forgiveness. He should apologize for being a shitty husband and walking out on his family for the second time. He should be begging YOU to come home.



I am sorry for your dilemma, but whatever you do, make your decision about what is going to be best for YOU and YOUR KIDS. Not how either side of the family is going to react. I mean, after all, YOU will be a single mother OR YOU will have to live with a man that may up and leave you any minute. Good luck.

Michele - posted on 03/11/2012

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If he really wants your marriage to work he would be back there himself. I am not telling you to leave and divorce him but let him know this is what U want and if he wants to be with his wife and Children he will abide with your wishes. If not it probaly wasn't ment to be,

Catherine - posted on 03/11/2012

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Marriage is a two way street. He's got to be willing to meet you halfway and if he isn't, do you want to be the one always crawling and demeaning yourself trying to prove something that he doesn't believe.



His behavior suggests to me that he doesn't respect you and doesn't seem interested in maintaining a relationship with your children. They are young now, but if he does this every time you have a conflict in your marriage, they will start to understand and feel jilted.



My question to you is, is this what you want for your children, yourself?

Samantha - posted on 03/10/2012

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Honestly, if HE has walked out twice and makes YOU beg HIM to take you back, he's playing you and your feelings like a fiddle. If I were you I would tell him no and then go get the papers. He doesn't want to put the effort into your marriage or your family.. I wouldn't put up with that, especially not twice.. You need to think of you and your children. If he truely loved you and your children, he would man up and talk to you about the texts BEFORE he walked out. It looks to me that he was just looking for an out.. And since it's not the first time he's walked out, it doesn't sound like he really wants to stay. :( Tough situation. No one wants to break a family up.. But if you can make it work without him, I would file for divorce and get custody and file for child support. You want to be the one in charge, taking the lead. You don't want him to be the one that makes the stipulations.

Pamela - posted on 03/10/2012

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Aloha Lily,

In my humble opinion, any man who has twice abandoned his family does not deserve to have them. His actions speak louder than his words. To abandon children can easily plant abandonment issues into their delicate souls that surface years later. I know, I have had that issue as a result of things that happened in my childhood. A pattern that got repeated when I was married, which I finally was able to recognize and change but not until after it had damaged me and my children psychologically and emotionally.



The fact that he took the money, closed the bank accounts and then expects you to come to him shows him to be a MASTER MANIPULATOR!!!!!!! Don't fall for it.

Go now and immediately start family counseling. There are any number of agencies and churches that help in these kinds of situations. If after some counseling he is willing to join, allow him to come to the sessions...but not with his family. He needs to face up to counseling on his own.



I will not tell you what to do, other than to suggest counseling. You are the only one who can know your own heart. I will say that this is a BIG RED FLAG, that perhaps you should reconsider your choice.



It is best to leave both your and his family out of any counseling because both, according to what you have said have strong conflicting opinions. There is enough conflict to settle just between the two of you.



I will ask you to STEP OUT OF THE VICTIM ROLE, for as long as you stay there you will truly be paralyzed and unable to act in your best interests and the best interests of the children.



You might also want to email Dr. Anna Michelle who has some EXCELLENT HEALING TECHNIQUES for this exact kind of problem, Her email address is support@breakupsolutions.com. She has helped me to heal from some of the issues that I still had lingering years after my divorce.



My prayers go out to you and your children that you will find the highest and best solution for this situation.



Oh, by the way, because I know that I personally can get in my own way of having solutions come through, even when I earnestly pray, may I offer you this little prayer to start with: Creator, You HAVE MY PERMISSION to go against my free will for the highest and best good in my life. Keep repeating that aloud, if you do have faith in a Creator of this universe and you will receive the help that is best for you. This is an ASK/RECEIVE UNIVERSE and the spiritual helpers that assist us are just waiting for our call! Believe you, I know that from my own life experiences....ask and receive. You may be amazed.



My prayers are with you for the highest and best and the wisest decisions possible for you and your family! Blessings abundant be yours.

Stephanie - posted on 03/10/2012

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This is a manipulative person. Who snaps fingers and you respond! NO WAY!! Set a good example be strong and make your life and your children's better. Coming from someone who left a horrible relationship while I was 8 months pregnant, you can do this and be happy on your own.Head held high and one foot in front of the other.

Alexandra - posted on 03/10/2012

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i do not believe it would be good for you to continue with this man. he is doing something absurd and your daughters do not need this either. i do not understand why you say you are at fault too!

Paula - posted on 03/10/2012

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Oh No you shouldn't! If he wants nothing to do with the kids...that's his problem, he still has THAT a responsibility. And if really doesn't want anything to do with them..sorry this might sound cold..have him sign his rights away. Sounds like the marriage was in trouble before he walked out..again as you stated. Sounds a bit immature. Momma's boy ay? He'll never choose you over her. Obviously. Your family has always been there you say? THEN all means don't let them go!!! Put all you time and energy towards your KIDS. They need you! He just wants to see you miserable! They will make you happy. He won't. Doesn't matter who thinks who is at fault. Good Luck and God Bless! STAY STRONG. Don't let him manipulate you anymore.

User - posted on 03/10/2012

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He is not worth it. But I would have called the writer of what he misunderstood and ask her to re write it in a way that he would understand what she was saying. Then I would tell him where to go but be careful that's all.

User - posted on 03/10/2012

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He sounds like a Mama's boy. Mine was one of those and abusive and I was terrified to leave as I had 3 children and to place to go and he said he would kill me, that he would never let me go. I was a legalized whore, when he snapped his finders that meant I had to go into the bedroom for him to have a quick act. If I refused he made a scary scene and my children would suffer terror from him. I finallty did leave after 23 years of abuse beyond description. I was so sick of him saying he was going to kill me. After I divorced many people said he was such a wonderful, friendly, happy person nobody would believe what he did to me and my children, His mother was a nut case and spoiled him and he could do no wrong. She was sick but evil and ruined his life and mine. I never had a chance.

Shani - posted on 03/10/2012

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He is abusing you, and you and your babies are far better off without him. Get a solicitor, get legal aid, and get it NOW

Shani - posted on 03/10/2012

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This is not the 1st time he has done this to you. He was obviously waiting for a "reason" to do it again. And now he wants you to beg!!!! If he loved you he would not have gone just like that in the first place, let alone closed all bank accounts so you had no money for your children. You are worth more, and deserve more than this.

Janel - posted on 03/10/2012

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You don't BEG anyone to come back. That's ridiculous. There's a twisted 'game' happening here. Stop playing.

Kayla - posted on 03/10/2012

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No one deserves to be treated the way you have been treated by your husband. You are dealing with a jealous, suspicious, abuser. Anyone who feels like they have to check up on their spouse by reading text messages, forbid their spouse to speak to the opposite sex, take all means of support away from their spouse and children, and physically hit their spouse is not a good spouse nor role model for the children. You deserve better. You can find better. Break the cycle now. Be the role model for your children that their father is not. Teach them that women don't deserve to be treated poorly but instead should be treated with love and respect. You are stronger than you know.

Heather - posted on 03/10/2012

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Leave him. Im sure your family is only making you choose because they see he is no good. He sounds childish. When you say he wants you to beg him back, that sounds like the game of a 16 year old. And to close the finances? You are the mother of his children. Any good man would keep that money available to you because of the children... He sounds very controlling.

Joy - posted on 03/10/2012

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Lily

Get some counseling or move on. Your husband has some real problems and after awhile, your feeling guilty and always initiating a reconciliation will damage you. You will lose yourself. Your children will be influenced negatively by your husband's manipulations and how it effects you. Read Co-Dependent No More, or Boundaries by Henry Cloud, or a book on Borderline Personality. Your husband is playing a very hurtful game because of his insecurities. I don't want you to end up becoming an enabler and losing who you are.

Bonnie - posted on 03/10/2012

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He seems controlling, demanding, and abusive. All he is trying to do is make you feel guilty and that is likely why he picked himself up and left so easily because he thinks you will feel guilty and come crying back to him.



He flipped out over something so simple and innocent without even thinking about it, you or your kids. That is not a loving husband and father.

Alecia - posted on 03/10/2012

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Please seek professional help for yourself. Your relationship is scary for me to listen to. It seems like you might benefit from some help. Pinching, pushing, controlling .........all are wrong. For your children and yourself, get help and move forward. In order to do that, you need support and the right kind of support....do it for your kids and yourself.

Sarah - posted on 03/10/2012

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You should never be put in a situation where you have to choose. Did your husband not undertand his wedding vows " for better or worse" he sounds very child like to me and he must have trust issues to leave without talking it though with you to fully understand your txt message meanings.

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