She is becoming just like her husband and their family!

Lynda - posted on 06/12/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My 40+ daughter has recently told me "I am not like you and I have never been like you" . Well the first part is right. She married one of the strangest men I have ever met. Don't get me wrong. The marriage has been good, (I think) it has lasted 18 years. I also can say that I love my son-in-law but I do NOT like him! Does that make sense.? He is wealthy and takes good care of his family, no complaints there. But my counselor says he is a woman hater. I know, if I have a counselor, what am I doing on here.? I need to know if anyone else has this problem or if I am hurting for something that is all in my head. Here is what he does. When his friends are around, he makes derogatory comments either about me or his father in law under the guise of "being funny". Hurtful things. He has never spoken to me in a respectful tone of voice. His tone is always condescending. He disrespects me in front of my grandchildren and it is starting to show. He loves to put down my daughter in the same way. He believes that money thrown her way will solve anything. He has a few friends from his high school years but I believe he has kept them because they aren't in the same social class as he and it makes him feel better. Well now my daughter is turning out more like him than like herself. She has become pragmatic to a fault and emotions have gone out the window. My husband and I are not well off and at a very elderly age we are still working to keep a roof over our heads. But we will not ask him for money unless we pay it right back and that is still not much over 100.00. I need to know if I am crazy or what I can do to get my daughter back. She will not speak to me now because I have asked her to show respect to me. Guess the answer is no?

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Michelle - posted on 06/13/2015

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You can't change another person unless they want to change.
Like the others have said, you'll need to distance yourself from them.
My Mother was very nasty to me for a few years and it took her Father telling her that she would lose her children and parents if she kept treating us like that that made her change. It took a lot for my Grandfather to say that since she is her only child left.

MaryAnn - posted on 06/12/2015

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I have a sister like this. 23. Shes always been like that... but it really got bad when she left for college and worse yet when she became a parent. Its as if she can do no wrong, and if she says something hurtful... well its "the truth" (as she sees it, i suppose), right?
In effort to make things easier on the rest of my family, I tried not engaging when she says the things she does. I've tried combating her harmful words by interjecting compliments to whoever the negative thing has been said... in the end... the only thong that seems to work is taking a step back. Skipping out on things she will be involved in when im having a stressful week with my own life.
we can give the ones we love every benefit of the doubt... we can give them all the time in the world... but we cant change them.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/12/2015

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I actually have known people to be that way (I don't need anyone but me attitude)...and it never ends well. I learnt that lesson when I was in middle school...
You can't stop loving her. don't try. But do distance yourself. It IS ok to distance yourself from vitreous people who have a toll on your health. I know it hurts, but you have to take her at her level.
Someday, she may see the error of that statement...one can only hope.
Best of luck! and thank you for understanding where I was coming from ;-)

Lynda - posted on 06/12/2015

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I am glad you responded and I am sorry that your mom is like that. I however am not. My daughter will even tell you that I am a great mother-in-law. You see what their choices are frankly none of my business. I too am not a critical person by nature. I understand how you would think that the counselor made a blanket statement but trust me she is doing so after a year of therapy and many conversations about my son in law. All, trust me at the urgency to understand and like him. He is not the type to listen to any comments by me so my counselor says to ignore it, love my daughter and be happy. Well it was working but now my daughter and I are not speaking because I will not accept her treating me like he does. I so wish it was different. Have you ever known anyone whom says "I don't need friends or relatives". please let me know.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/12/2015

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You're not going to like this, but, I have to share: You sound exactly like my mother. On one hand, she swears to love and respect my husband and my choices, but on the other, she cannot bring her self to stop being over critical of my choices, decisions, parenting and relationship. I am 45 years old and have been hearing this for 25 years. Yes, I've been married, successfully, to my FIRST husband for 25 years, and yet my mother still feels the need to be overly critical.
Perhaps your daughter feels the same of you. Perhaps, even though you say that you've accepted and love him, she senses that truly, you don't, and you don't feel that he is 'right' for her. (I'm not in their home, so the allegations of mistreatment are not being addressed)
My mother and I have reached an agreement. She is as involved as I want her to be with my sons (one grown, one almost), which isn't much, because she can't seem to keep her hurtful remarks under control. Now that we are both older, we've been able to work out a lot of our issues, but its still a tenuous relationship.
Now, I'm not in your home, I'm not a fly on the wall...so I don't know if this is it, or not.
I'm curious about a therapist that would blanket diagnose someone they've never interacted with based on a one sided account as well...most therapists I have interacted with wouldn't presume to tell someone that someone else was a 'woman hater' without actually having talked to the person in question.

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