Shocked! I don't know what to do.

Lisa - posted on 03/27/2015 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I don't know what to do. My 12 year old daughter invited her 13 year old friend for a sleep over. I went to her room to ask if they wanted anything and the door was just barely cracked. The way the dresser mirror is situated I could see them on the bed. My daughter had nothing on and was sitting on the bed with her legs spread. She was using a vibrator! Her friend was sitting behind her and stroking my daughter's nipples. I froze. She had an explosive orgasm. There were giggles and they exchanged places. I did not interrupt. I don't know where they got the "toy." I didn't want to make a big deal or upset them so I just left. These girls have been friends since they were little. Any thoughts about how to handle this. I don't want my daughter to think I was spying on her.

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Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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There is risk of STD's if they are sharing "toys". Make sure you address this risk, also.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/30/2015

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I am calling total troll. No parent just watches there child do this, and they CERTAINLY do not describe it like "She had an explosive orgasm". This is like a bad article from a mens magazine.

Donna - posted on 03/31/2015

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Lisa, kids these days DO learn early. That's why we as parents have to have those initial sex talks at an early age. My husband kept saying they were too young, but I disagreed. I wanted my kids to know about inappropriate behavior, if anyone touched them wrong, etc. etc. You may not be able to stop the experiments but you can let your daughter know that she can talk to you about anything and not be ashamed. Let their early learning come from talks with you.

Lisa - posted on 04/01/2015

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I agree, Donna. Sex Ed began long ago at our house. She knows where babies come from, and is familiar with the alternative lifestyles of those she sees on the city streets. She knows about the "no touch zones," and has since she started school. When the other girl's mom and I questioned the girls as to why they thought the behavior was ok, they responded that because it's fun and everyone does it! We questioned further and learned that "everyone" referred to the older girls.
Monitor what your kids are watching on computer. Set parental controls. Know not only your children's friends, but the friends of their siblings. I am concerned about all of this - on several levels, but at least now I have my wits about me.

Donna - posted on 03/28/2015

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I would have interrupted. Do you talk to your daughter openly about sexual behavior? If not, you should. Kids will learn it elsewhere. I've always had an open door policy with my daughter and talks with her. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about ANYTHING. No matter how embarrassing it might be. You don't have to yell at your daughter, just be open with her. Tell her you saw her and you'd like to discuss those things with her. Don't make her feel like you are accusing her, but I would say NOW is the time to have a heart to heart with her about sex.

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Lisa - posted on 03/31/2015

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By the way, I did call my daughter's pediatrician, whom I have known since college, and she told me not to make a big deal out of the incident - just see that the girls don't have an opportunity to be alone with each other for awhile. She thinks it will all blow over in a few weeks. It's difficult enough to raise kids anywhere, but in San Francisco kids are surrounded by dozens of alternative lifestyles; it's almost impossible to shield them from experimentation. They learn early.

Lisa - posted on 03/30/2015

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Again, not a troll. I am now sorry I did not interrupt the girls, but I was stunned. I didn't know how to handle the situation. I certainly didn't want to go bombing into my daughter's room and create a huge drama. I waited until after the weekend to post this comment.
I decided to tell the other girl's mom about what I saw. I figured that together we could approach the incident without telling their fathers. My daughter would be devastated if she thought her dad knew about this.
The girl's mother and I spoke to the girls on Saturday. Yes, there was much drama! It seems that the other girl's older sister (almost 16 yrs.) has been sharing information with the girls, as well as the "toy." Their mother was mortified, angry, and extemely apologetic. We agreed that the girls should take some time away from each other socially for awhile and let things cool down (they attend the same school.) I'm not yet sure how my friend intends to deal with this situation on her end, but I've had a very long and serious talk with my daughter.
OH, and Little Miss Can't Be Wrong, I'm sorry, but this time you are... you found my initial post far too graphic ... It was not how I intended it to be. I was trying to relay the gravity of the scene I witnessed. I repeat once again, NOT a troll.

Sarah - posted on 03/30/2015

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Perhaps then, since the OP has not been active you are correct and it is time to lock and delete the thread.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/30/2015

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Nope. This is far to graphic for what a parent would describe watching there 12 year old girl involved in a sexual act without "interrupting" and just letting it go on while watching. Nope.

Sarah - posted on 03/30/2015

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I would have 100% agreed that this was trolling if the content had not stayed focused on how to address her daughter and her concern over the relationship.
If this is legit and the OP defended her post in the beginning:
Glens- to the the OP to lie to her daughter just confuses the issue, and leaves the waters even more muddy. Bottom line- if I saw my 12 yo engaged in a sex act with either gender I would confront and address the matter. My kids have felt open with discussing sex with me since they were little. If this is a legit post I stand by looking into sexual abuse in one girls history. This is not typical tween behavior.

GlenS - posted on 03/29/2015

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Before going to tell anything to her , approach her in tricky way.

Just create a story about one of your friends daughter that she did something wrong and her mother found that later and that affected that girl so... so and your friend made an open door policy in her house. Then tell to your daughter that, similarly I am going to make the same policy , so we are friends , you guys can talk to me anything .... behave more friendly and don't disclose this to your husband or daughters friend parents immediately. Carefully watch them without knowing them ... if something change notify your husband and tried to contact daughter friends parent without affecting the relationship. Just My Idea only , I will do this If I am in place of you

Sarah - posted on 03/28/2015

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I agree they are quite young. It would not surprise me if you had found your daughter alone. Do you have concerned that either girl was molested? That can trigger early sexual behavior. I do think it is possible that if they are truly best of friends that maybe they have talked openly about masturbation but to take it to this level at such a young age. I feel for you. The potential for disaster is huge. Did you tell your husband?

Lisa - posted on 03/27/2015

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I'm sure they would be embarrassed to know that I saw them. My husband (my daughter's father) and the other girl's dad are business associates. It would be difficult for everyone to see their friendship end. Without going into detail, it was obvious that they have participated in these adult sessions before. Believe me, this is a complicated can of worms. I wouldn't think it possible for pre-teens to have a sexual relationship.

Sarah - posted on 03/27/2015

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The girls are going to be so embarrassed and sadly it will probably affect their friendship. How do you feel about it?

Lisa - posted on 03/27/2015

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Very difficult, indeed! These are nice girls. I don't know how or where they even learned about such activities. And, they are so young. My daughter just turned 12. She is scheduled to sleep over at friend's home tomorrow night. This is very difficult. I can't talk about this to friends because they know the girls.

Sarah - posted on 03/27/2015

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Maybe you should talk to your daughter first. See what she says about the whole thing. She can tell her friend and then you can talk to her mother. This has got to feel awful for you. I really don't know what to say to help.

Lisa - posted on 03/27/2015

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After spending a week searching for reasons to justify my not saying anything to the girls immediately was that I just didn't want to open a can of worms with the other girl or her parents. It's silly to think that they were just experimenting - it was obvious that this is not the first time they've done this. I hate that the friendship might end. They are good friends - "best friends." I dread calling the other girl's mom.

Sarah - posted on 03/27/2015

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You were not peeking thru a hole drilled in the ceiling or a nanny-cam. The door was ajar. Tell her the truth. You saw her in the mirror. Open the door for her to ask questions, talk about safety, healthy boundaries and what your expectations are for the future. Better to address it sooner than late, yes it will be awkward, but hopefully it can start a good dialog.

Jodi - posted on 03/27/2015

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So what if she thinks you were spying? You are the parent. You have expectations of behaviour within your home.

Lisa - posted on 03/27/2015

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Not a troll. This incident took place last weekend and I probably should have addressed it immediately. I was just to surprised to see such "adult" behavior! I'm not sure how to approach it now; a week later. I agree with supervision, but she will definitely think I was spying.

Jodi - posted on 03/27/2015

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Just in case this isn't a troll post.....

There is nothing wrong with your daughter thinking you were spying on her. It is your role as a parent to be supervising her. It's not called spying, it's called supervision. Time to have a conversation with your daughter.

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