Should Boyfriend Help With Baby?

Keyondra - posted on 09/18/2010 ( 217 moms have responded )

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I Was Pregnant When We Started Hanging Out I Was About 6 Months I've Known Him Since Middle School, I Think That Since He Came Into This Relationship Knowing I Was Pregnant He Knew He Would Have To Help Me With The Baby Even Though She Is Not His Child We Do Good Take Turns On Diapers, Dinner Bottle And Everything Else We Even Have This Thing When We Throw In The "CARD" Once A Month Where If One Of Us Throw In The "CARD" We Get They Day Off From Parenting COMPLETELY No Diapers, No Bottles, No Baths.... Me And Him We Think This Is A Good Set Up Only He Is A Sometimer He Decides Sometimes He Doesn't Want To Help With Her... I Don't Think That Is Right... He Is Her Father Figure And He Should ALWAYS Be Helping Me Take Care Of Her... People Have Expressed To Me That I Am Wrong In Asking Him For Help But I Feel He Came In The Relationship Knowing I Was A New Mother And As Long As He Is MY Boyfriend She Is Something That Comes With Being With Me Am I Wrong In Asking Him To Be Her Step Parent?? Or Am I Right In Saying She Is Something That Comes With Me? He Loves It When People Dis Agree When I Say Hey Its Your Turn To Change The Diaper And People Are Like She's Not His Responsibility I Think People Should Butt Out And Let Us Do It Like We Wanna Do It. Please Answer Me So I Can Figure If I Am Going To Continue Letting Him Help Me Or If I Am Going To Stop It.

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JuLeah - posted on 09/18/2010

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Well, first thing ... you need to unstick the cap button on your keyboard
Two, he is a father or he is not. If he is a father to this child then you are not 'letting him help you' he is a parent. Parents' don't babysit, don't help out once in a while, don't cover for a few hours. Parent's parent.
"his child" is not the point. It is 'your child' when you take that on, when you love said child, when you raise said child.
There are many men and women raising 'their' children and loving every minute of it, and the child is not biologically related to them.
This is not about what other people think or say. This is between you and him.
Men or women who date a person with a child must understand what that means. The child comes first - always. The child's needs are met before theirs are met. The feelings of the child come first too.
Some people think they understand but then get into the relationship and see it was more then they thought it would be and want to back out
If he does not have a child, has never been a parent, then maybe he needs time to adjust. It is a big thing to have a girlfriend, but a girlfriend with a child??? and then to call that child yours??? that is huge.
I don't know how old you all are, but if he is young (under 25) then this is even harder for him
Now that he understands what he can expect from a life with you, maybe you and he need to have a conversation about the future. Is this something he wants? If he does, then that means ..... what does it mean to you? What does it mean to him?
Put your cards on the table. Outline exactly what you want. Don't assume he thinks like you think. Don't assume he knows what you are thinking or that he agrees with you. Don't assume you know what he is thinking or what he wants. Talk with one another and work it out, I am sure you can, but the opinion of others really shouldn't be a factor.

Amanda - posted on 09/18/2010

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I think you should count your blessings, and not complain. I agree with your friends this child isnt his responsiblity, he didnt get you pregnant, you and someone else did. Dating a mother, doesnt make you a father.

Scandia - posted on 09/18/2010

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I'm sure you are a wonderful mom. I personally don't like men helping with little girls, but, that's just me. It's nice that he helps you, but, I feel since you are her mom, only ask him for help during emergencies. If he truly loves you and your beautiful baby I'm sure he will eventually ask you to marry him and adopt your baby as his own, he will adjust to helping you with some of the daily baby routine. Just keep in mind, you and your little girl are a team. Protect her, and make her your sole priority.
Wishing you the best of luck.
~S

Jane - posted on 09/19/2010

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Sorry...but you're wrong. He is not the baby's father and he has no legal responsibility for that child. He's your boyfriend but not the baby's father. You have way to high of expectations of him and I don't believe that to be very fair. Just my two cents.

Angie - posted on 09/19/2010

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He's not her step-father he is your boyfriend. Your relationship with him is not stable because once a month you are ready to stop the relationship. It might be best for your daughter not to become emotionally attached since one or both of you may "throw in the card". Yes, he entered the relationship knowing your were pregnant but you entered the relationship knowing he was not your child's father. It's true it's no one's business and your want everyone to "butt out". With that said, why did you choose to ask strangers about this????

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Stephanie - posted on 06/29/2011

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The way I see it, he went into the relationship knowing the outcome of it, and decided to bring this responsiblity on, so he IS a father figure, and should act like one. If I were in your situation, I would be telling him to make a choice of him either being the father he made the commitment to be, or hit the road. You have your child who always comes first, and if anyone you date cannot see that, then they are not worthy to share your life or your child's. Parenting is a shared job/miracle, and he needs to understand that. It isn't like your telling him to do everything, you guys are comprimising. Both my husband and I agree on this because we have a friend who's baby's dad is out of the picture, but her current boyfriend got together with her while she was pregnant and doesn't think he needs to help out with the baby. He thinks he should only help with the good times, not the diapers or the 4 am feedings and such. Why bother being a father figure of all your going to do is the same amount of work that a relative would do. No Biological father or not, this child is going to grow up seeing him as a father so he needs to act like one 24/7.

[deleted account]

Since he's your boy friend, rather than being your husband or your lover, he's neither father nor stepfather to your child and has no obligation to help you. If you'd like him to help, though, one way to get results would be to point out that you won't be able to go out on any given date with him until you've finished giving your baby whatever necessary care is needed. As a boy friend, he's naturally interested in being able to take you out on dates, so pointing out what's necessary for you to be free to go out with him ought to inspire some action of a helpful nature!

Incorrigibly,

Sharon

Keyondra - posted on 10/07/2010

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He Has A Daughter And We Live Together, GET OVER THE WAY I WRITE I Spell Things Correctly, Thats Better Than Most Adults These Days Get Over It Or Don't Post On My Conversation.

Keyondra - posted on 10/07/2010

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To Those Who're Thinking I Am 16 IAM NOT SIXTEEN I Am 20 Years Old And I Do Not Live With My Parents!!!!

April - posted on 10/01/2010

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im not going to read all the posts that have been made. but it seems that he is mature enough to want a family with you and your daughter whether she is his or not. its a huge step for a male to choose a single mum to date rather than someone he knows has the freedom to not commit. i think its wonderful that he helps also. i know alot of biological fathers that dont do that much. i think that maybe when he chooses 'not' to help you need to find out what the issue is... parenting is always tough no matter who it is caring for bub. and there are always times that any parent just wants time off. i think that he has already adapted to being her father figure. since he does help with the care of her. but maybe just help him realise that he does help.. probably without realising. and that you are grateful that he is supportive. it will make him remember that he does want to do this with you. because he did chose to make a life with you. i really hope you get through it ok.. and try not to let others bring you down. good luck xx

BRENDA - posted on 10/01/2010

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HE should help out.....if he loves you....then he should be willing to help you.....with a child, you cant just take care of your baby when you feel like it. its a 24/7 job.......

Robyn - posted on 10/01/2010

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Oh the endless times I've thought the same thing. One thing to remember is no matter biological or not, no man will ever have the same parental instincts or the connection that you that you do with your baby. It's as if their brain shuts off from being dad and goes into chore mode. Don't get me wrong, he is probably a WONDERFUL dad, but men don't seem to understand that by the end of the day that we all want/need to use our "free minute" card. No matter if it's one less diaper change or bath time, even super mom needs 5 minutes off duty. I can't tell you if it will get better or worse or even give you advice for making him change his ways, all I can tell you is that you are not alone in the never ending argument of mom vs. dad parenting. He came into the relationship knowing that he was not just getting you. Keep your head on and as hard as it may be at times, try not to loose your cool on the "your turn" issue. My husband is biological dad and we have the same issue. Trust me, this is one battle 95% of us go through at one point!

Jenny - posted on 10/01/2010

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Well u and your boyfriend should have a discussion...u need consistency. I do think he obviously gives you alot of help already though. Not often do real fathers do all that...so first off...consider urself lucky. I have three boys at home..and my fiance is wonderful and yes hes the only father my boys know...and Im so greatful for his help and pride him on his parenting...but I would never expect a day off from any parentin...wow. Discuss wut he wants in the relationship...what role he wants in parenting..will he be the "dad" make sure you two are on the same page. I thtink ur best to not expect so much from him...and be thankful for all the help he is givin u...back off a bit let him express his feelins to u....and make the decision based on stability for ur child (not just convenience for urself) Once again...seriously u should thank him for bein so supportive not critsize wut hes not doin

April - posted on 10/01/2010

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My HUSBAND is the FATHER of my two kids, and although he is a great dad, child care (such as diapers, feeding, etc.) is still not split equally.If I am home I feed, change diapers, etc. It sounds to me like your boyfriend does a lot of the child care and, father or not, you should appreciate what he does!

Dawn - posted on 10/01/2010

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I've read all the posts and the general concensus is that you two need to sit down and decide what you are both looking for, expecting, from this relationship. Long term and marriage or... something else? Getting good communication going now may be the next step toward where ever it is you both want to go. Just remember to let him have his feelings ... even if they aren't exactly the same as yours. Compromise is a BIG part of any relationship.
Good luck... I hope it works out for you.

Sherri - posted on 10/01/2010

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Actually I was in the exact same situation she is in Gabe. I met my know husband when I was 5mo's pregnant. I never made him do anything it isn't his responsibility. If he chooses too which he is that is awesome but he should never feel like he is forced too. My husband approached me and asked to be on his birth certificate and be his father. But it was purely up to him.

Gabe - posted on 10/01/2010

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BABIES FATHER OR NOT!!!!!!! yes he should be helping if you guys are in a serious relationship it is a package deal... the pple saying your wrong obviously have never been a single mother or been in a broken family... if he wants to be with you yeah your daughter comes with and if he isnt willing to give 100% then you shouldnt be with him because your daughter deserves 100% not 50...now have you discussed your issue with him??? that would be my first discussion i have 3 children i started dating my ex 4 days before i had my first child and after i had him he gave 100% he was his father figure he helped me take care of him and raise him he would even stay over so i could get a full night of sleep when he had to work the next morning... he knew and accepted that my son was part of our relationship... im sorry but there is no asking to be a step parent if you date someone with children you are a step parent regardless!!!!!!! But you have to start somewhere he obviously has some attachment to her if he has been there since day 1 but like i said you have to communicate talk to him let him know your point of view maybe he doesnt realize he is doing it but yes others need to BUT OUT! when it comes to you saying its your turn any man can be a father but it takes a REAL man to be a dad and if he doesnt want the dad resposibilities then he shouldnt be with you

Debra - posted on 10/01/2010

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Hi Keyondra,
I see you have a dilemma here. This is only my opinion. I am married and I thought that my husband would just step in and be automatic father to my son. It does not work like that. Yes, you and your child is a package, but that does not necessarily mean that this other man wants to be a father at this stage in the relationship. Take your time and see how it goes. Now, it is only my opinion and I say this with humility ,only the real father is responsible to help with the child unless he(boyfriend) is mature enough to handle such an responsibility. I agree with what another person has said be careful with that young child and a man who is not her father. Be very careful. I pray that you will receive the answer you need. Also, seek financial assistance from the father, and see if he wants to be in her life. I wish you well in your endeavors. If you ever need anymore to talk to you can look me up on facebook or email me at turnerkay09@yahoo.com. I have recently published a book entitled: The Woman On The Inside Is Greater Than The Woman You See" I believe this book would really bless you.
Minister Debra Turner

Lisa - posted on 10/01/2010

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You really have to straighten this out now before your daughter gets older. If he is part of you then your daughter is part of the package. He has every right to walk if he doesn't want to be a part of that. However, if he commits fully knowing that this is a package deal he shouldn't give you a tough time. You need to put your daughter 1st, she is your priority and she is your responsibility!

Ashley - posted on 10/01/2010

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I'm a single mother of a little girl.But my boyfriend be around my child i don't expect for him to take care of her, I fell that is not his responsibility, when he offers to help i wont turn it down and appreciate it very much. Also as he helping me in a way he really helping her. But from your story you have a good men and don't fuse when he don't feel like helping for a day. just talk to him and ask him how he feel about the situation. BUT JUST KNOW HE SHOULD ALWAYS RESPECT YOU AND YOUR DAUGTHER!!!!!THAT #1

[deleted account]

You don't mention your ages, that could be a factor. The fact that he does help you and takes turns shows he wants to be involved and the card idea is an excellent one. Young children can be exhausting as you know. I'd cut him some slack especially if he's participating most of the time. I agree, people should butt out. As far as your child is concerned he's her Daddy and he's proven he wants to be.

Kristy - posted on 10/01/2010

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Wellllll, glad you brought this up and sorry I have responded so late. I think that if u trust him enough to help then he should. You said it right, he knew you was pregnant when he got into the relationship and he knew that you was going to be needing help. But that also comes with being a man. A real man would be proud to help and would always want to be in your child life. He wants to have that princess that he can protect and help you out at all times. Most men I see and know step into the relationship ready for the baby to come as long as its no drama with the father. You have to determine if the man your with a man, or a boy! a man will help at all cost and feel indifferent when not needed and a boy would run and get happy when he never has to do anything but watch you. Yes everyone knows its not his but he should feel in his heart that SHE is his. If you have a boy let him go now, if you feel that u have a man hold on to him and thank him for the things he do!

Joy - posted on 10/01/2010

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Well young lady I think your really fortunate to have the young man helping you but it is not his job regardless of the fact he started dating you while you where with child. He is just a boyfriend not a husband that would be different. Im 43 now had my first child at the very young age of 16 and even when I was dating I would not have guys around my child because you don't know how long your relationship will last with this person, so with that being said you should not put all of that responsibility on this young man it's your job and the childs real father.

[deleted account]

Of course you should continue to let him help Sounds like you have a set up that works well for you both & baby Only thing I will say is that he can't pick & choose when to help If he is in this for the long haul then he cant just opt out from helping when he doesn't feel like it

Darrolyn - posted on 10/01/2010

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To begin with, if you want people to "butt out" why are you asking? Secondly, but more importantly, this is YOUR child. If there is a man in your life and he has not made the committment to you AND your child to be a forever husband and father you shouldn't put your child in the position of expecting to be able to count on him. Children don't need people dropping out of their lives when they have come to depend on them. She is yours and, at this point, you are the only one she can totally depend on. As far as I am concerned no "boyfriend" should be expected to take care of her. It is up to you to not only take care of her everyday needs but to protect her. MotherUp.

Sue - posted on 10/01/2010

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Well, here you are. If he is a sometimer, you don't need him. You can't be a Father with an on again, off again relationship. You are either there or your not. Sometimes following your heart can be bad. I pray you will make the right choices for your child and yourself. God Bless ♥

Jeanette - posted on 10/01/2010

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Absolutely he should be a part if he wants 2 be a part of you. Because ur baby is part of u. So! Either deal with the whole package, or nothing. That's soooo hard 2 do and 2 say. But, I'm 48 now & have raised 2 girls pretty much on my own. A few good guys have tried. I'm finally in a stable relationship, and he has taken full responsibility. I don't work, my 2 girls are 14 & 21 & I have a 1 year old grandaughter. LOL. And we all live 2gether. Very well as a matter of fact. It takes a very special man 2 be able 2 take on that, but, he loves me & wants 2 spend the rest of his life with me, and was willing 2 take it all on. God bless him. :)

Amanda - posted on 10/01/2010

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hi there..., unless he ASKS to help ! He doesn't becomes a step-parent until you marry...It is a bad idea to have your daughter bonding to a boyfriend who is with you without a major commitment, otherwise you could get in the situation of having your baby calling Daddy and bonding with men who don'[t stay in Your Life or her.life. I would suggest you try to sheild her from the guys you date until you have a commitment.
You know, your baby is growing fast, these early years are so important, perhaps just concentrating your efforts for the next 12 to 18 months on your daughter without bringing in another party.(man). That time span is going to zip by soooo fast and you can't get it back. If 'he' is serious, he will wait, and may become more interested in her because he ees her less.
I hope i've explained things right. Good luck, i know what it is to be a single mom (with 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy).
ask me anything
amanda

Jackie - posted on 10/01/2010

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Keyondra him helping you shows he's willing but when my twin girls were babies & I was dating nooooooo I disagree I'm from the old school I didn't allow this because I wasn't wearing a ring, engaged nor married which means my date wasn't their stepdad or nothing. What happens when you meet a new date. They were 5 yrs old when I met my husband. Guest what I didn't allow them to sit on his lap, he couldn't pick them up nor did he keep them until I'd known him for 3 yrs when we got engaged. We celerbrated our 25th anniversary this past May. The girls & my grandaughters have a good relationship with my husband they love him & he love them but sadIy to say I still watch him when they are around.

MShannon - posted on 10/01/2010

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if he has been there since before her birth. he is and should act like a father. is her bio dad in the picture? i feel that if he is not consistent you should tell him to screw. if he dedicated himself to you and the baby he cannot go back and forth.

Carol-Ann - posted on 10/01/2010

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Of course he should if he's serious about you, he shoud help out pretty much all the time. I have a 4 yr old daughter & was a single mum from when she was a few months old until 7 months ago. My partner treats my daughter like she's his own & has done since he met her; he can't do enought for both of us. He's a much better father than her real dad who she still sees on a regular basis. It sounds like he does quite a lot already, perhaps have a talk with him, ask if he needs some space & if things don't change I would think about ending the relationship. Your child deserves a full time father. Good Luck & I wish you well.

María Fríða - posted on 10/01/2010

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What I would think is that he came in to the relasionship, knowing there was a child there, if he want one, he has to acept both.
that is my opinion.

Meagan - posted on 09/30/2010

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Yes, you are a package deal, and he knew that. Wanting him to love her as much (but in a diff way) as you is completely reasonable. Now, if he's willing to help, be greatful, however, he has no obligation to help out, until he become her legal adoptive father. I mean, right now you guys are just dating, and, if you break up, chances are she wont have him. If you dont thats awesome too. You cant expect him to be a father to a child that isnt his. Its not his job, even though he knew you were pregnant. Him dating you despite that makes him a great man, Him helping makes him a great man. But, he doesnt HAVE to. Thank him for helping. Make him feel good about it. Make it out to be that he is your knight in shining armor. My guess is that he will be more prone to help if he feels less like it's a job.

Amy - posted on 09/30/2010

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187 replies to this thread! What a popular topic with so many opinions! This is my 2nd post. I keep reading each one, even hough they are getting very boring, because they all seem to say the same few things: a) you and your child are a package deal and he has to accept that and step up to the plate, or b) you're wrong for expecting him to help when your boyfriend is not the biological father. Why ladies, are all your opinions so black and white? Where is the compassion for people just trying to do the best they can? All you mothers who are so worried about the child being scarred because she's being cared for by someone who isn't her biological father... where is your trust in humanity? I know there are lots of sad and tragic stories out there, and as mothers we always need to make the protection of our children our first priority, but we have to learn how to trust ourselves and others if we are ever going to teach our children the best in life, instead of just bare survival level paranoia. Kelley Kent - you are missing out on so much opportunity by "laying it all out for him" Where have we got this idea that many people in our children's lives (even temporarily) is such a bad thing?? What kind of wisdom suggests that single mothers have to isolate themselves and their children for fear of getting hurt?? Relationships are the very core of our lives as humans. We should be seeking out as many Healthy, Positive and Loving relationships as we can to surround our families with. Not hiding in the shadows for fear of the monsters ready to harm us. That is the saddest part for me in all these responses, not the reality that most people (men and women) get exhausted from parenting and need a break "sometimes". It amazes me how many of you leap to the assumption that because Keyondra's boyfriend occasionally retreats from the responsibilities he willingly took on, he is somehow immature and not ready to be a father... and how much emphasis is placed on the fact that he's not her biological father. This couple seems to have willingly entered into a supportive relationship and agreement to raise the girl together... and if they happen to be experiencing the very real hardships and self-doubts that go along with parenting, why are you all so quick to judge them for it? Life is not as simple as you all make it out to be. Especially not in this kind of situation. There is room for shades of grey. And it's ok for Keyondra to make a mistake... and her boyfriend for that matter. Whatever happened to the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child."? As a single mother for 5 years now, that has become my mantra. I accept all the help I can get... and regardless of whether Keyondra should 'expect' it from her guy or not... she has the right to ask for help. We ALL do. As long as she uses her head, her heart and her instincts in guiding what is best, healthy and safe for her daughter, we should be sending her the message that while she should prepare herself to be a single mother, she shouldn't have to shoulder the burden alone if she doesn't have to. One last thing, since I rambled off the topic of "temporary" men in the lives of single mothers. While I would never suggest it's ok for us to date a steady stream of constantly changing men and parade them all for our children to see... responsibly having boyfriends in our lives can be a positive influence on our kids. As long as they know that they have our unconditional love, we can help them manage the disappointment if our relationship doesn't work out - their primary parent is us, and as long as that relationship is strong, they can survive others. We don't need to raise our children in isolation and fear. HEALTHY relationships are good - as long as you can recognize the good from the bad, we all have a right to introduce new people to our children. The notion that we have to protect them from people is an insult to humanity. Use your judgement and intuition and live your life with love and compassion, not fear. You reap what you sow.

Susan - posted on 09/30/2010

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Biology does not make a Dad. My son was in the same situation almost four years ago and rose to the occasion. Fatherhood is a privilege and he embraced it. Izzy is the apple of his eye. He and Izzy's mom were married last year at this time. Never a happier family... but then he had a great example in my husband, who married a gal with four kids and raised them like they were his own (and he was only 28!). Don't be so hard on him as he negotiates his way to fatherhood. Everyone needs a break now & then. Patience is a virtue that will be rewarded. Your guy is a keeper. He does more than some "fathers" do. Praise the positive and good thoughts to you both!

Kellie - posted on 09/30/2010

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ok as a single mom Ive hit this more than once. the way Ive learned to handle it is i look right at him and say "you knew i had a kid. you said you were cool with that. i told you that to be in my life meant being in hers. you said no problem. i told you that that meant all the time not just when you felt like it. you said for you id do anything. i asked you what part do you want in our lives. you said you wanted to be the man in our lives. so I'm alittle confused now when your saying u dont want to. when you seam happy when others say its not your job. so tell me whats changed? dont you still want to be the main man in our lives? or is this just a temporary part of your life? i need an answer and i need it now. are you in this for the long hall or am i back on my own?"
it gets there attention real fast. i even had one gie thank me for laying it out for him. he said he hadn't noticed a change. that i was right and then said sorry for wasting my time and hurting me and her. then asked if we could just be friends. that even that he still cared about us. it just didn't feel right no matter what he did. i simply asked why didn't you say something. none should have to force them selfs to do anything.
being friends is fine with me. as long as they know she will always be the biggest part of my life. and they dont get me without her.
that conversation has ended allot of relation ships. kept even more from starting. but most importantly its kept my little one from getting attached to people just trying to get close to her mouther.
the other thing i like to ask people is "is that the kind of example you want her to fallow?" ive asked alot of people that one. and its ended a LOT of people being around her. its scarry what some people thinks ok.
i hope this helps. as long as you to agree on who das what and you live up to it. that should be whats important.not what others think u should do. remember that. and that what is normal now was taboo when we were kids. stuff changes allot and fast now a days. only do what feels right to you. if its the same thing that feels right to him then your one of the fue lucky ones.
if thats the case could you send some of that luck my way!!!
i hope you the best! i really do.. as a single mom the hardest thing ive lurned was to stand my ground knowing none had my back. i hope you never have to feel like that. but i now have a daughter that knows that she will always be safe and protected by her mom if by no one else. so its made sending so many packing worth it.
i do really hope this helps.
ooo and for thews wondering just how long ago i was a kid. im only 26. Ive got a 2 1/2 year old little girl. and ya i made it through high school back in 02. ind shes the highlight of my life.
good luck girl!

Heidi - posted on 09/30/2010

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She is YOUR child and NOT his!! The SOLE responsibility of raising her is on your shoulders. I think that it is great that he wants to help out from time to time, but if he doesn't want to then he should not have to. After all you are not married and she is not biologically his.

Joanna - posted on 09/30/2010

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Your baby is part of the package, if he wants you and spend the rest of his life with you he will have to expect responsibility or step out. Mine is similar to yours. I have a baby with the dad and he has another child with someone else. I decided I want to be in his life, I have to except that he has another child and I love them both (baby is 10 months).

Litisha - posted on 09/30/2010

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This man sounds like a blessing to be with you because most men wouldn't do that.. Anyhow, your daughter is not his responsibility so you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. He can get up and walk away when he wants. What you need to do is contact your child's father and get him apart of her life also. Going into the relationship while pregnant was a mistake. You should have taken the time to focus on yourself and preparing for your child. Don't get me wrong he is a blessing and every girl deserves good and you definitely have good but it's not much help when he decides that he doesn't want to do much. A mother will always be mother AND father to her children REGARDLESS if the father is in the picture because at the end of the day you will still end up doing more than half the job.

P.S. If you wanted people to "BUTT OUT" you shouldn't have brought it up and it should never be the topic of your conversation amongst friends because then they will ALWAYS have something to say...trust me I've experienced it first hand.

Tanya - posted on 09/30/2010

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If i was in the same situation i would not expect him to help, appreciate when he does:)

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And if he doesn't want to be a parent, why is he dating someone who has a baby (and they've been together for quite some time now judging by the baby's picture)? Seriously, my husband's "step-dad" was uninvolved his whole life since he was 5...it doesn't all of a sudden change. It isn't as if she has been dating him a couple weeks or something. By the sounds of it, they are living together. The child deserves an actual father, not just a man in her life.

Jeanette - posted on 09/30/2010

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I think you're wrong! How do you expect him to help if you throw in the "card." Parenting is a full time job.Even bio dads don't always do everything he does.If you force a responsability that's not his you risk pushing him away.

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This is a tough situation, but I was somewhat in the same position. I was newly divorced with a 6 month old baby. My ex-husband is still in the picture. When my son was almost 1, I started seeing a guy I’d met over 10 years prior in high school. He understood that my son and I were a package deal, but I didn’t ask or expect help from him. Though I knew this was a great guy, I also had to make sure I protected my son, so I never left him with anyone and rarely got together with this guy when my son was awake. I didn’t want him (them) growing attached and if it did not work out, either or both of them being crushed. Eventually it became serious and we got engaged and married. Once we were engaged, he took on ALL the same responsibilities of a parent and never once complained. He gets up in the night when they are sick, he cleans all the vomit in our house b/c he doesn’t think I should have to, etc. My son is now 5 years old and calls him Dad because he knows that he is his son (again, even though his biological father is in the picture).
All that to say, be careful for your daughter’s sake. My husband and I now also have another son and daughter…no other man changes her diaper except for him (yes, we are cautious). It doesn’t sound like he is ready for fatherhood and for some men, they can’t see another child being theirs unless they are blood-related. As a mother, I imagine you feel your daughter comes first and even though it is hard being a single parent, the safety of your child is first. It would be better to move on and when the right man comes along who wants the package deal and loves you both, then you will know it is right. If you think he is the one and you like the set-up, who cares what other people think. However, I don’t buy the sadness I’m reading here that you should just accept that he helps at all since he is a man. Seriously people, how sad is that?! I only wish the best for you.

Twanika - posted on 09/30/2010

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Well my first daughter father is away for life and my other two kids father help with her but i also felt kind of bad to ask him to help my finacilly but as for helping with things around the house t then that s fine. but if he has no problem help u and your babi u let him have his family .

Melissa - posted on 09/30/2010

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I believe that he should not have gotten with you in the first place. Be friends for a long while then become more as time went on and way after you had the baby! Sorry, just the way I feel I would have done things! It's great that he is helping at all though because my husband doesn't want to come home from work most nights (some times he will) and have to deal with my cranky three year old. So most days I do let it slide because I am home all day and my husband is working a stressful job. But for me when I was growing up, EVERYTHING was fifty fifty with my parents and they both worked! Anyways, good luck in what ever you do and do what YOU need to do for YOU! I'll be praying for you!

Carla - posted on 09/30/2010

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Even biological fathers don't always step up to the plate, but this is different. He has no legal obligation, and if he can't commit to parenting. then you have to decide what you cal live with. You can't ask him to be a step parent. You must evaluate How he is with the baby..I don't feel comfortable with your arrangement, and see a potential for him hurting a child with whom there is no bonding or no relationship

Joanne - posted on 09/30/2010

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How do you know if is going to work out? Let's say it does..Who can say how long it will last? Is it right to date a man with serious intentions and not let him see the entire package? In this case baby makes three! I feel that the mother has to make clear headed decisions and trust her gut at each turn as situations crop up. Some will feel right and others not.

Laura - posted on 09/30/2010

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I believe that since he is not her father, nor is he your husband, that he should help as little or as much as he is willing to. Explain it to him this way...It would make MY life easier if you helped out with her, 50/50, like real parents who are co-parenting, because she comes with being with me. If he wants to make your life easier, he's a keeper, and he will help out as close to 50/50 as he can. If he doesn't, well, that speaks for itself. But, all in all, your daughter belongs to YOU, and just like YOUR decisions about her carry the most weight, that also comes with the responsibility of carrying the most weight in her care. There are lots of fathers out there who don't take care of their own kids...

Janis - posted on 09/30/2010

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Your baby your responsibility. Never let a child get attached to what could be a temporary person. You do your child an injustice. He's on board for a relationship with you not her and if he doesn't marry you and take the responsibility she needs to be left out of it.

Lilian - posted on 09/30/2010

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I've gone through the same thing. My sons biological father wanted nothing to do with me or his son and pretty much threw us to the kerb.



I met my partner when i was 6 months pregnant but at that time we both were not ready for a relationship given what happened in both our previous relationships.



A few weeks passed and we knew that there was something more than friendship there and we found ourselves inseparable.



We had many conversations about my pregnancy and expectations. I made it very clear that I wasn't looking for a father for my son and that he was my responsibility to care for and never expected him to take him on as his own. All I expected was that he respected my son.



My due date was drawing in on us and he made it very clear that he wanted to be my support person at the birth and I was so grateful I reall don't know how I would have done it without my two best friends. My mother lives interstate and wasn't able to make it and my sons biological father made it so his mother wasn't allowed to be present.



The minute my son was born my partner was in love and had pretty much said he was preparing to be his father for quite some time eventhough he was still conflicted about how he felt about the situation.



I tried to make it as easy as possible for my partner even though I did need help I never asked for it. As my son grew my partner gained confidence and was taking steps to involve himself in the day to day care of my son. On his own accord he would change his nappy and pick him up and play with him, feed him etc. It was my partner who started to address himself as daddy to my son.



Eventually we will marry and he will formally adopt our son as he feels he is the only father he knows and eventhough he is not biologically his he feels that he is his father.



My point is that you can not have any expectations of your partner it is something that should not be forced on him it is a decision that your partner has to make for himself. If he shows no interest in your child then perhaps you might need to re evaluate your situation.



I wish you luck and I hope that it works out for you.

Spring - posted on 09/30/2010

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I don't agree with the "she ain't mine" attitude. I think it's a bunch of BS! Either he wants to be a part of her life or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. I agree with those who have said that loving you means loving her, ESPECIALLY since you started dating when you were pregnant. Like it or not you and your daughter are a package deal. For those people that are taking his side when you have a disagreement about him taking care of her, you need to tell them to mind their own business. What happens in your home is between you and your BF. Unless they want to move in and assist with the parenting they need to back off. You and your BF need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart about where this relationship is going and what each of you expects from the other. If there is any hesitation on either side about this being a long tern relationship it might be better to end things now before your daughter gets attached to him as her "father". If he's wishy washy now that may translate into wishy washy later when she may really need him.

Merry - posted on 09/30/2010

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My husband rarely if ever changes a diaper, he has bathed our son three or so times, I breastfeed so he doesn't do feeding either. I put Eric to bed every night and every nap.
Moms and dads are different. Moms are supposed to do more with the babies and as the child grows dad can step in more with care, but still, it's usually moms job 80% or so.

And this is my HUSBAND!!!! We were married, then we started trying for a baby. All planned all wanted everything. I think it's ridiculous to expect a biological father to do that much, much more with a boyfriend!!! Whose not the dad!!! If he breaks up with you then you will be overwhelmed with caring for her as you obviously have never done 100%

You are lucky he does so much, don't push it. He can up and leave no strings attached and leave you in the dust with a baby.

Rachel - posted on 09/30/2010

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Okay Keyondra, if he lives with you, and want to stay in this relationship he has to take care of her, you three are a family.

Carolyn (Nana) - posted on 09/30/2010

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Dear Keyondra:: Your boyfriend came into the relationship with you and your daughter and he is NOT her father. Unless you two have discussed his being in a permanent relationship with you and your daughter, then he does not HAVE to participate as a parent.. If and when he wants to help out with your baby, gratefully accept his assistance. I would not recommend putting a HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE DAUGHTER on him. You'll risk his pulling out of the relatiionship if you insist that he MUST take turns with you. ALLOW HIM TO OFFER HIS ASSISTANCE.

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