should granddaughter be able to spend the night at grandmas house? how often at age 3?

Marlene - posted on 03/16/2015 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Moved to VA from CA 2 years ago. Never have my granddaughter at my house ever without parents. My daughter feels I should ONLY watch granddaughter at their house when they go somewhere. I am very sad.

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Trisha - posted on 03/18/2015

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If they both work full time, they are probably just struggling with their lack of time.

I can see not wanting to send my child over to grandma's house, when I ultimately only end up getting to see the child for an hour a night before they go to bed. It would be quite difficult.

When it comes to outings etc, they are probably struggling to try to make good memories with their child, and want it to happen in a specific way, for example: set up Easter traditions etc.

I would probably stop beating around the bush, and straight out ask your daughter why. Don't come off as accusatory, but just open the dialogue. The answer might be something as simple as "we just don't get enough time with her" or it could end up being hurtful towards you. I would be prepared for both.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/16/2015

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Did she ask you to relocate 'for' her?

If not, and you simply showed up one day to say "I'm moving out here", she could feel that you're trying to be too overbearing.

You cannot change people. If she says you may watch the child in her home, then don't argue. If you've attempted to connect with them otherwise, and they are not open to that connection, then look for other ways to spend your time and share your love.

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Marlene - posted on 03/18/2015

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Thank you Dove. A great compromise would be if my granddaughter could at least spend a few hours at my house once in a while. Not over night but for an afternoon. Hasn't happened in the 2 years I've lived here. Daughter is not open to that.
I have decided to back off completely. If my daughter doesn't reach out to me then I will possibly move back to Calif and be a long distance grandma.

Dove - posted on 03/18/2015

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My son had a good relationship w/ my dad at 3.5 and spent time w/ him... but he was no where NEAR ready to spend the night. He wasn't ready to spend the night at my dad's house til around 4.5 and he wasn't ready to spend the night there w/out his big sisters... until he was 6.

I'm just saying... you don't have to have her have a sleepover to have a relationship. My mom lives 3000 miles away and we only see her 1-3 times/year... and all of my kids ADORE her.

One of my cousins... didn't meet our grandma until her 20's because of the nonexistent relationship between my uncle and his mom.

I hope these examples will help you to realize that you DO have it good... even if it's not how you imagined it. ♥

Marlene - posted on 03/18/2015

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Yes. This is her 1st child and her reason is that she can't give up time when she works all week. My house is child friendly and the "baby" is 3 1/2. Lol. Still my baby. I guess moving across country I hoped to do family things with daughter AND granddaughter. We spend holidays together and I am thankful for that. : )

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/18/2015

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I am guessing this is her only child? First time moms, or of single kids tend to be this way. *shrug* not all though....I do feel your grandchild should be able to sleep over your house....but that is just my opinion. Your daughter has her reasons. Maybe she feels that the house isn't child proofed well? Or she just doesn't feel comfortable having a night without her child? Who knows. Have you asked her if there is any specific reason?

Marlene - posted on 03/18/2015

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Chana, I appreciate your comments and can relate to you. I am a deeply caring person and I love children. Feel free to talk to me. I can be a "surrogate" mom/grandma. Lol. Hugs to you.

Chana - posted on 03/18/2015

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Marlene,

You might be right about longing to give too much. I had a wonderful mom but my maternal grandma passed away when my mom was very young so I didn't have her. My grandfather remarried but step-grandma treated my siblings and I like we weren't good enough for her. My paternal grandma and my mom never got along so again we weren't good enough. I think that is one of the reasons I miss my mom so when it comes to grandma stuff with my girls and I think that is why I always try to include my mother-in-law in everything that I can with our girls. Hopefully you get to see your granddaughter soon I am sure you would both love some time together.

I am sorry I know you didn't come to this site to hear my mom/grandma issues but I feel like I can talk to you and be honest without being judged.

Trisha - posted on 03/18/2015

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I think you might just have to come to the understanding that this is the only way it is going to be. She is not being selfish. She doesn't have much to give.

This is the equivalent of feeling like you need $50 for groceries, but only have $25 to spend. Then, someone you dearly care about needs $5. It doesn't matter how much you want to give that person $5, you don't feel like you can afford it. THOUGH, you will happily invite them over for dinner and share the meal.

Don't take it personally. Just understand that she is doing what she can, and see if you can find more opportunities to spend time with them as a family at their house.

Marlene - posted on 03/18/2015

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Thanks Trisha. I appreciate your reply. When I did ask she did say time issues and she doesn't want to give up time with her. I completely understand that but I asked for a day every couple months. I will just have to be thankful for what I have. I never had a Grandma or an attentive mom so maybe I long to give that too much.

Chana - posted on 03/16/2015

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Maybe just talk to your daughter and tell her you would like to do something with her and your granddaughter maybe as a girls day or something. Is it possible that she doesn't know how you feel and that you would like to spend more time with your granddaughter?

Marlene - posted on 03/16/2015

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Thanks Dove. I have asked many times over the last 2 years for the 3 of us to do things such as visit Easter Bunny or go to a movie, etc. I guess my daughter wants only to do things with her husband. I will just have to learn to adjust. Maybe I expect too much because I gave my life up and all my friends in Calif and had high hopes for a very close relationship with both daughter and granddaughter. I have been there for my daughter every step of her life.

Dove - posted on 03/16/2015

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It's really the parents' call. If you want to spend more time w/ your granddaughter... invite her and her mother out for lunch or something. Don't wait for them to include you in their things, but invite them both (or all) to your things. If you've already tried that then you can sit down w/ your daughter and tell her that you would like to be more involved in both of their lives... but the final call IS up to her and you are just going to have to accept whatever that is no matter how sad or left out you feel.

Parents and kids have a variety of types of relationships. I'm not saying 'you' are the issue because I don't know you or your daughter at all, but my grandma did not meet one of her granddaughters until she was in her 20's because of the relationship my cousin's parents had w/ my grandma (there was none).

Marlene - posted on 03/16/2015

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Thanks for your reply. My daughter says she feels very safe when I watch my granddaughter at her house. She feels I am as protective over her as she is. I think because she and her husband work full time she doesn't want to give up time with her child. I can understand that but I feel it is normal for a Grandma to go to dance class or have an outing with daughter and granddaughter that includes grandma. I feel left out.

Chana - posted on 03/16/2015

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My oldest will be 4 in a few days and has yet to spend the night with Grandma. It all depends on the child in my opinion. I don't think, nor does Grandma, that she would stay the night. Honestly when Grandma watches my girls it is always at my house. Now the grandparents live next door so it is just a matter of walking across the farm basically if they want to go to Grandma's and that is always an option but it has never happened. Why does your daughter feel you should only watch her at her house? Is it just a comfort issue ore is there another reason. if it is just a matter of thinking that your granddaughter will be more comfortable in her own house I don't think it is a reason for concern. If it is something else that is something you need to work out with your daughter.

Raye - posted on 03/16/2015

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As long as there aren't any safety concerns where the child might fall down stairs or something like that at your house, I don't see any harm in you watching the child at your house. But it's really your daughter's choice.

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