Should I allow my 21 year old step son to live with us?

Louie - posted on 06/24/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi.

I've been visiting this site for awhile and actually learning a lot of stuff but now I am here to ask an advise regarding my situation.

My husband had a son from his previous relationship.he is now 21 years old and was born here.He is a good kid it seems although I don't see him that much.( I really can't tell)..the problem I saw in him is that he is so lazy.He didn't finish high school and now at his age he only work part time delivering flyers to every doorsteps once or twice a week....he is always in front of his computer doing online games. right now he is living with the kids of his mothers live in partner but they doesnt like him because of his attitute.( being lazy-not doing any responsibilities at home) His father told him many times about the importance of having a job and studying but he doesn't care...the last time his father spoked to him he get mad and did not talk to him for a year.

anyway the problem here is this...we are planing to buy a house a 3 bedroom atleast because we are planning to have a baby and also my son who is 10 years old is coming soon from the Philippines.After Daniel found out that we are moving and planning to buy a house he said he wants to live with us...I really don't know how to react. Is it ok for my step son to live with us? if yes what are the rules that I can imposed in order for him to be responsible and not being lazy?

thanks.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/25/2014

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The only problem I have with 'guest' opinion is that school immediately after graduating HS is not for everyone. Most of the students who do not complete a degree were forced into college by their parents under a plan similar to 'guest', and because the individuals were not ready for college, or hadn't figured out what they want to do with their lives, they drop out.

This is a waste of time, both on the kid's part and the college institution, as well as a waste of money on the parent's part. I'd much rather my kid be confident in what he wants to do, and attend school on his own initiative, rather than forcing it.

By doing that, my son has actually done well on his own. He went 2 years working full time, got himself an apartment, got on his feet, and figured out what he wanted to do with his life. Now, he's enrolled part time in school working towards a teaching degree, still working full time, paying his own expenses, except tuition that he made a deal with my dad for. He's definitely better off than he'd have been if we'd forced him into it. But, I see the results of those kids who were forced because I work at a college.

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Eliza - posted on 06/28/2014

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I've noticed that in the USA, it is customary for parents to ask rent money from their children if they live with them after 18.
In Croatia, where I come from, it's perfectly normal for kids to live with parents, all the way until they get married. Sure, they help out with money when necessary and they are encouraged to find jobs(well, most of them-and even if they don't it's considered weird to kick them out for it, at least for a while). But, a written contract which results in the kid being kicked out of the house if they break it would sound just wrong to people around here xD.
I'd let the kid move in-one day, I might have to, since my husband has two sons from former marriages. You should talk to your husband and tell him to explain it to your stepson that he has to help around the house, find a job etc. But it's his son and if he wants him to be in the house and play computer all day-as long as he isn't rude or disrespectful with you, I think you should allow it, anyway.
If this Daniel has had an upbringing that has made him lazy and if that can't be changed, that doesn't mean he should not be allowed to live with his dad. Especially if it could improve a strained relationship between them. It'd be good if dad managed to use this moving in as leverage to teach the kid important life lessons, though.
You say that your son is coming from the Phillippines. Is that a son from a previous relationship, too? Because if your own son is coming, there's no reason for Daniel not to-of age or not, lazy or not. In my opinion.
The thing you SHOULD worry about may be inheritance. You have to make sure Daniel doesn't try to get his dad to sing the house over to him or something like that. ^^

Guest - posted on 06/26/2014

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That is a very good point, Shawnn, and something I will definitely consider before my son is 18. I, myself, dropped out of college twice because I kept changing my major and ran out of money. Eventually, I did finish, but perhaps I'd have saved a lot of time, money and heartache if I'd taken a year to really decide rather than jumping right in and taking the most flexible courses....

On a side note, I see you in here a lot. Is there a way to change my name? I don't know why it says Guest.

Guest - posted on 06/25/2014

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These are the rules we grew up with, and that I plan to implement when my son is 18.

If my son wishes to live with us after he turns 18 he MUST be enrolled in some form of school or educational program, and he must maintain a 3.0 GPA.

If he has a job, he can be enrolled part-time, but at least 50% of a full time curriculum. If he does not have a job, he must be enrolled full time.

There will be a written contract, signed by both of us and witnessed by a notary. If he breaks the contract, he is out.

He will follow any rules I set forth in the contract as far as who may visit and when, how clean he must keep his space, and what rights he has to other parts of the house.

He will be responsible for buying his own food.

No drug use, no excessive alcohol use, no smoking, etc.

That is pretty much it. I've never experienced it yet, but I do know a few people who have had their kids move back in with them during adulthood during difficult transitions. Some went great, others were taken advantage of.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/25/2014

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Rules, hell, you need a contract. Signed and notarized with witnesses. He can agree to pay 1/4 of the household expenses, as well as 1/4 food and 'extras'. There should be a monthly due date for his room and board.

If he doesn't want to, he doesn't move in. Simple as that.

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