Should I be hurt by this?

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Here goes the question/problem. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. Last year my father-in-law who had been battling cancer for the past few years was finally diagnosed terminal. So we (my husband and I) decided to move him into our home and take care of him until he passed. This was very difficult for all of to cope with since we have 2 young children. Plus he and I both work full-time also. Then during the last week of his life I took FMLA to take care of him completely with some aid from hospice. Now here in lies the issue, my father-in-law left my husband everything since he was an only child and he was VERY wealthy. What hurts is that my husband went and opened a separate account (we had a combined checking before) when his dad moved in and he will not disclose to me anything. He about took my hand off when I accidentally came across a check he had received when I was cleaning out pants pockets to do laundry. I didn't know it was a check so when he reacted that way I was like "What the hell is he hiding"? Anyway since he wouldn't let me see it I was very hurt. I don't understand, our entire marriage we struggled together to make ends meet and now he doesn't even trust me enough to tell me what he inherited. I don't have access to the money so I can't even do anything with the information anyway but it really hurts me that he would keep this from me like I'm out to get him or something? Should this hurt my feelings or should I just let it go?



I feel like he is Daffy Duck in those cartoons when he finds that pearl and all of a sudden like "It's mine, it's mine, it's ALL mine"!!



Btw, you know what really stinks? I make more money than he does, I cover the myself and the kids under my insurance. Before all this I was what you would consider the bread winner and we were living off of my income for the most part. Vacations, Christmas's and such were things I paid for...

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Krista - posted on 04/19/2012

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I would cut that letter down by about 90%. If your husband is anything like most men I know, they lose focus if you don't quickly cut to the chase. Even if you just put it in bullet form.

" -- We were a team, but then you betrayed my trust with another woman.
-- I have been working my ass off to take care of YOUR father and to help make his final days comfortable.
-- And now you're being secretive and cagey about finances.
- I'm good enough to bear your children, cook, clean, be a nurse maid to your dad and be your financial partner in all other aspects of life. But the big things in life, you keep to yourself, or share with other people.

So tell me: what is going on? I've earned your trust a million times over, but I have to say -- you're definitely shaking my trust in you, by the way that you are acting.

I want us to sit down and have an intelligent discussion about this. No accusations, no harsh words, no tears. Just tell me what is going on with you, and why you feel like you have to hide things from me."

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/19/2012

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I would be promptly opening up my own bank account and start getting some rainy day money in there. I don't like your situation. It makes me very uncomfortable that he would hide this from you.

Krista - posted on 04/19/2012

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Honestly, honey...my guess is that he doesn't plan on sticking around, and thinks somehow that hiding this money will help him keep it to himself when the time comes to divvy up the assets.

I would talk to him one more time, tell him that if he doesn't even value your marriage enough to come to counseling to try to save it, then you see no point in continuing your efforts.

Then, lawyer up. And get all of your documentation in a row. You left your job to take care of HIS dying father, and now he's inherited a pile? Any halfway decent lawyer should be able to get you at least half of that inheritance, if not more, as long as you don't have an iron-clad prenup.

Krista - posted on 04/19/2012

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Ah, I see that inheritances are not subject to division of property under Georgia divorce law.

BUT, he would still have to pay you alimony and child support, because his inheritance WOULD count as income. So where you have no income and he has a ton, he'd have to pay you quite a bit.

Kaitlin - posted on 04/19/2012

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That would hurt be deeply, and honestly, I wouldn't stand for it. I'd drag his butt to counseling. If he's not willing to share that information and money with you, to me, that screams a greater problem. After 11 years you should be open enough with each other to at least discuss it. Even if he doesn't end up 'sharing' the money with you (which he totally should), the two of you need to discuss it in neutral territory with a third party and discuss what else is going on. That would be a huge trust issue for me- if he can't trust me with the information/money, what else is he keeping from me/our relationshiip? How can you trust him?

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Jennifer, Krista E. has already given you better advice than any I could offer. I just read your post, including your letter to your husband and...well I'm hurt for you and wanted to offer you a virtual ((((HUG)))). I'm so sorry things are so rotten for you and I truly hope that in the days to come, you're able to find happiness, with or without your husband.

P.S. You are so worth it. You deserve to be happy. Don't believe any of those negative things you have going on in your head about yourself (your self worth, etc). ♥

Alison - posted on 04/19/2012

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When did his dad die? Does his behavior have anything to do with the mourning process? Could he be nervous about mismanaging the inheritance? Have you ever discussed what you (as a couple) would do with that money? I really hope you are able to work this out. It shows that you still care a lot for him.

Medic - posted on 04/19/2012

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I think a lot would be based on how he racts to the letter. I also think men deal with things like children more often than not.

Alecia - posted on 04/19/2012

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Good luck, hun, this sounds like a hard situation all around. sending you love and good thoughts.

Louise - posted on 04/19/2012

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Sit him down and ask him why he would do this. Are you not a family unit? If he will not disclose to you what is in the account, gently remind him that if you divorced half of it would legally be yours any way! Watch his face!

I know you love him, but he needs to understand that you share everything. If he wants to keep the money for a rainy day, fine, but he needs to be open and honest with you.

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012

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No I don't think he loves me now, I do think he used too. It's hurts bc I still love him though at times can't figure out why? I think either way at this point I need to start protecting myself and see a lawyer at least. The house is under my name and his name is not associated with it at all. Which I like bc I want to retain the house and I WILL have custody of the kids if it's the last thing I do.

Krista - posted on 04/19/2012

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You don't have rights to the inheritance, but you do have a right to child support, and depending on your existing income (I mistakenly assumed you had none, forgetting you were on family leave) you should be able to get alimony. And like I said below, it would be quite a bit, considering the circumstances.

Either way, it doesn't sound like he treats you very well. Does he even love you? 'Cause he's not acting like it.

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012

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I guess I would need to see what a lawyer says....but from what I hear in GA I have no rights. It's not the money and you're thinking exactly what I'm feeling like he's planning an exit strategy.

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012

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Nope I'm in GA so therefore I'm not entitled to any of it. Not that I give a crap.

America3437 - posted on 04/19/2012

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Well how much worse can it get? He leaves...then you get half in divorce...sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. If my husband ever felt he needed a seperate account then he also needs a divorce to go with it. I was a CNA for 10 years and it is so hard to care for someone let alone someone who is dying. Send him a bill. I made $10.00 an hour so get to figureing!

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012

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I tried to get him back to counseling and he will nt have any part of it. Not even church cus I tried that too. Nothing...nada...



Am at a point where I think my days of trying to work this out are over.

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012

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I wish I could handle it that way, but unfortunately with someone like him it would just make matter s worse. I was a stay at home mom for the first few years of our marriage and when he lost his job and I became the bread winner so to speak, it was suppose to be a temporary thing. He said if our financial situation ever changed things could go back to being that way. So when I asked him if I could stay at home now for the kids, he said no now we are saving for the future. It will never end, his greed has got the best of him.

America3437 - posted on 04/19/2012

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I would let him worry about all the household stuff. He could pay all the bills and buy the groceries! I would spend my money on myself and my children if he was gonna be so selfish.Yes the money belongs to him but for years you been the one to pay for all this and he would damn sure get the hint if anything! Girl...go get your hair done..buy a new purse...take your kids to the zoo...have fun!

Jennifer - posted on 04/19/2012

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yes, but to no avail. Here's the letter I wrote him, it's long but if you wanna read here goes:



So as you are already aware I do much better with putting my thoughts down in writing versus trying to speak them. You know what buttons to push and I in turn get overly emotional b/c of what our marriage and you mean to me. As always I preface this by saying that I do love you dearly. I just can't look you in the face right now w/out breaking down. I don't expect that you will/can understand, empathize or sympathize in regards to where I sit in all this or what I have been going through the past couple of years. All that I can do is hope that you love me enough somewhere deep inside to really read this and try to put yourself in my position. I'm going to write this and read and reread to get it as close to perfect as I possibly can but there will still be some amount of emotion and hurt associated with everything I say here. I'm not perfect and can't even begin to be. It's just not me, not who I am, no matter how hard I try. I make mistakes, look back at them and try to do better next time around. Not saying that I won't make the same mistakes again (and maybe even again) but I do learn something each and every time even when it doesn't seem like I do. Let's face it neither of us were done growing up when our lives joined and that's what your 20's are all about.



When I look back I can say that we "sweetly struggled" together. There were bad times, tight times, good times and even more GREAT times. During some really tight times we were both forced to be humbled by occasionally having to reach out for help. Whether it be financially or otherwise. We were a team and acted as such. Then shit hit the fan so to speak.



Here we are now after the storm and I wanted to give you my perspective on things now that I am mentally healthy enough to even know what I'm feeling and have been feeling. Since you turned to another woman and went outside our marriage to share your deepest thoughts and feelings about one of the most traumatic events a person can go through in life (losing a parent) I can only tell you MY experience through this journey and I can't sympathize with YOUR journey. I harbor no ill feelings towards you or Rashell now but believe me those months and months of seeing those phone records of countless hours of you confiding in her while I was hurting and had actually been there for all of it was like a slap in the face. It stung and my stomach would literally turn over and I would be physically sick knowing that my husband who I was, at least in my mind, fighting tooth and nail to keep invested in our marriage was slowly slipping back away. I never really had you though, you pride yourself with being unreadable and to this day you have accomplished that with me. After all these years I still don't really know you and I'm not sure if you will ever allow me to. The one and only thing I do know is that you believe you know me and the sad thing is that Monday night I realized how much you don't have a clue.



I know you have a lot of really bad things to say and memories to clutch onto when it comes to me in association with your dads death. I know what they are and I even know the mistakes and fool-hearted things I did. So instead of returning to the negative which is easily done but not healthy or productive to do, I'll go over some things that lead me to be so hurt that I can't even look at my husband in the eyes right now. I can't speak for your relationship with your dad but from what I observed it was not like you remember it now. I can tell you I never felt close to or embraced by your dad. That could have been his way? I know that he was never a very emotionally open man. I did have a conversation once with him years and years ago though that I felt we came together for a greater purpose. It was one of the many times our AC had gone out and you were outside, hot and frustrated, but to proud to call your dad just yet even though he was a specialist in that arena and I found it to be both comical and sad all at the same time. Plus that was the same time our dryer, lawnmower and weedeater were broke down too. I could tell how discouraged you were feeling and I felt bad that I could do nothing to help. So I did something that made me uncomfortable at first but I knew it had to be done. I picked up the phone went into our bathroom and called Mike. I told him about what was going on and of course he was like "Why didn't he just call and ask for help"? I said I don't know but I think you had a problem asking for help. As we talked Mike said yeah I'm not very good at that either. I say to him "Yeah, I think Chris really wants to reach out to you but doesn't know how". I also told him that it concerned me that you were his only son and yet you guys barely spent time together.



He agreed completely and we talked about how he would make the effort, since we both agreed; he as the parent should, start extending more invitations to you to be with him. I told him even though it hurt me that he didn't include me and the kids that it really didn't matter in the long run because you were his son and I wanted to see you have some fun and quality time with him. After that I noticed he would occasionally call me to see if you had anything going on bc he wanted to take you fishing or what have you. I was happy and proud that I may have had something to do with the 2 of you spending more time together. I knew you needed it b/c you didn't have any friends. The years after that Mike suddenly became more of a part of you and the kids lives. Not just b/c of that phone call of course but also b/c those were the years he started struggling with the fact that his cancer may very well end his life much sooner then he wanted. I took that very very seriously since I had watched Betty and all she had gone through so it hit home hard for me. I made some very serious efforts and tried to be as kind and helpful as I could. Preparing and staying at home for holidays to cook for us and your dad. Staying up late and researching the best possible cabin (at the cheapest price of course, lol) for us all to go and spend time together in. I sent your dad Father's Day and birthday cards (and reminded you of those dates). I kept him informed of Grandparent's Days at the kids school and provided him framed pictures of the kids for his home.



We would even still at times have a little private conversation about you and how you were doing. All in all I can look back and say that not only did I embrace your dad, I was good to him. Then even when we had to stop going to marriage counseling bc you had to be at the hospital a lot with him, I was disappointed but I knew that our marriage had to take a back seat to this and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You probably don't remember (or just won't give me credit for) but it was my suggestion to take your dad into our home bc I knew it was best for him and for you. I hate how ill prepared I was for all of it. I hate that at the same time we had just moved in, that the kids started a new school and that Betty had been placed on life support, that your dad was indeed in his last days. Yes I have regrets and feel ashamed and sorry for some of the things that transpired. Overall though I feel good and at peace with how I handled the entire experience. I was loving, comforting and tender with you and he. I took FMLA time to stay with him so that you had to do the least amount of nurse care and just got to spend time with him. I was there by your side and holding you when he took his last breathes. I was there the following days at your beck and call for every stitch of planning, I even found the most appropriate and beautiful poem for his remembrance cards. Overall I'm proud of how I conducted myself as your wife during that time.



So now, I know very very little about your dads estate. I haven't went prying for information nor have I been sneaky and even tried to find out. All I do know is that he had several life insurance policies ranging from small to somewhat large payouts and that you will be receiving a check from the Teachers Retirement Fund (which let me remind you here that you asked my opinion on this one and so that's the only reason I even know about that). I know as soon as he moved in you opened a separate account and started having all your money, paychecks included, put into this account whereas we had always held a joint account. You could have left the joint account the way it was and had a separate account for your inheritance but I guess you had something to prove to me. That in and of itself offended me and I was hurt. Not like you didn't know that bc I was verbal about it. I know you would seek advisement about your dads money and how to keep it away from it becoming a part of our marriage, and while that did sting, I understood that you were in a bad place and that you felt you were doing what was right by your dad. If me never having any access to that money makes you sleep better at night so be it bc ultimately I want you to trust me. I never stopped paying my fair share of anything. I continued on in regards to my paycheck like you and I were still a team. I contributed the same amount to bills, Christmas, I pay for mine and the kids health insurance and I pay for all my own therapy, dr appointments, medication and even all my toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, facial care, and make up) if I want to eat out for lunch one day during the week I pay for it. Otherwise I take my lunch. I have NOT asked you for anything that was not completely fair. You took us (not just me) on vacation, you upgraded my ring and then ruined every single special memory I tried to have from the vacation or of you for it. Not that you upgrading my ring ever meant anything bc and in your words....



1. "Now will that get you to get off my back for awhile"? ......very very sweet and romantic

2. "You make me regret ever doing anything for you"



Now the vacation and the ring signify just something else I owe you for. Of course I had no idea what the hell that piece of paper was in your back pocket, your reaction caught me off guard. I don't give a flying monkies butt how much you inherited and I completely understand that it is yours and yours only. The problem comes in when you can't even trust me enough to let me know what your financial situation is. I'm good enough to bear your children, cook, clean, be a nurse maid to your dad and be your financial partner in all other aspects of life. But monetarily and emotionally I AM NOT of course bc that reserved for other people in your life that you do trust. I know you don't understand but it felt like a punch in the gut. I felt like a low life in your eyes. I like drunkard not to be trusted with such information.



So like I said keep the information tucked away from me. Just know that I can't help that it makes me feel like absolute dirt in your eyes so when I look at you now all I feel is low, worthless and not worth any value really. So it hurts and all I can do is cry. I can't even get mad enough anymore to fight with you about it. All I can do is stay on my course of trying my hardest to improve our marriage bc that is what is right and all that matters in the end. Your my kids father and I want to remain their cooperative parents as along as you will allow it. I won't even wonder anymore if you will ever trust me bc just like I know you will continue to confide in anyone other than me you will also never be able to treat me like I'm your wife. But right now that hurts and I need time to woman up and in my own way get to a place of acceptance in that. Afterall it is like my therapist has been telling me. It's all about my decision of what I will and won't accept, your secrecy I will have to learn to accept bc I won't accept a broken home for our kids. They deserve better even if I don't.

I'll end this by saying this to you and maybe it will help you understand something about my life right now. "I JUST LOST someone so so very dear to me, so please be careful with my heart bc it hurts badly right now and the only other person I love more than that doesn't return the feeling"....

Krista - posted on 04/19/2012

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I don't blame you for being hurt. I would be hurt as well. Have you tried talking to him about it, asking him why he is being so secretive about his inheritance?

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