Should I "be the better person" and reach out to my in-laws?

Aubrey - posted on 09/01/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi, fellow mommies :) I am new here, and need some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now, and his family has been extremely unsupportive. Before we got married, they never voiced any concerns about our relationship, but were very stand-offish toward me and my family. My husband can attest to the fact that I have never been anything but nice and respectful toward them. After we got married, his mother became very outspoken (to my husband, mostly) about everything that she disapproved of concerning me, the decisions we were making as a married couple, and our relationship. Early on in our marriage, I had two miscarriages, and after my first miscarriage, my mother-in-law came over to confront my husband, in front of me, telling him that other people in the family were having children, and she expected him to give her grandchildren as soon as possible. My husband has two brothers, and they are each married, and our relationships with them have not been great either. At some point or another, they have all said or done something extremely hurtful, and do not ever feel the need to apologize when they are told they have hurt our feelings. Terrible rumors have been spread around the extended family about me, and my side of the family, so even his extended family doesn't want anything to do with me. I have tried so hard over the years to honor and respect his family, and to essentially prove them wrong about how they feel about me. They do not want to speak to me on the phone, and never come by (we only live an hour apart). My husband's youngest brother and his wife just had their first baby, and I was not invited to the baby shower, nor have they asked me to come see the baby. It breaks my heart, because I would love the opportunity to be her aunt, but I don't feel like I am being given the opportunity. My husband and I have three children now, and his parents only see them maybe twice a year, for thirty minute visits. His younger brother and his wife have never tried to be an uncle or aunt to my kids. So, I feel like if I go to them, it's not fair to my kids, because we are being there for people who aren't there for us. My husband has been wonderful, and stands by me 100 percent. He has confronted his family about the way they are with me, and of course they deny any wrong doing, and say that they love me; but, they don't try to be a part of my life or my kids lives. Lately, I have distanced myself, for self preservation, really, and for my kids protection, I don't want them getting hurt. Recently, I have thought about writing letters to my sister in law and mother in law, explaining my feelings about our relationships, and trying to sort things out. But, I don't want to put myself out there just to get hurt again. I guess what I am trying to ask is, am I doing the right thing by holding my husband's family accountable for their words and actions, and not putting effort into the relationship? Or, should I "be the better person" and overlook everything, and be the only one putting forth effort and investing in these relationships? It just breaks my heart that I am in this situation, I don't know why they have been the way they are with me, and I wish more than anything that I had a normal, functional family. Any positive feed back or advice is greatly appreciated :) Blessings!!

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John And - posted on 09/02/2012

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You could try again to overlook their hostility/indiffernece. But whatever you do, do not write a letter to any of them. Chances are they'll hold onto it and fixate on whatever they find negative and use it as amunition against you.

Lacye - posted on 09/01/2012

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From the sound of it, you have already been the better person and putting effort into having a relationship with these people. Stay away. For your sanity and your kids just leave them alone. For once, let them try. If they don't, then that will be their loss not yours and not your kids.

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