Should I contact the father of my baby before mediation?

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

Hello everyone. I just need a little advice. The father of my child and I are no longer together. We were working together okay as coparents given the situation and our personal issues. My daughter just turned 2 months old this past Sunday, and he has not been around going on 3 weeks now. I filed for child support almost a month ago and we are scheduled for mediation on September 30th. Originally, we were not going to go through the courts to settle anything, but instead settle it amongst ourselves. When I went to drop her off to him a few weekends ago, I brought up the amount again to him and he did not agree with it. I only asked for $500 per month. This is because I will only be working part time and that will help cover the costs of child care the days I do work, her formula, diapers, wipes, and other necessities. He makes more than enough to cover that, but does not agree with that amount saying its too much and the most I should expect is between $300-$400 and that I can work more too and that she is my child as well and I have to help take care of her. Well of course I believe that is true too, but I am paying for some of her necessities already and also providing a home and I am with her majority of the time. He has stated multiple times he would do anything to help and would take care of us both, and now that I have set a dollar amount he thinks that's too much to ask of him. He has his own bills I know, but he also helps support his mother in Mexico and his brother that lives with him. What is bothering me more than anything though is that he has said multiple times during my pregnancy, "if you want to go live your life, just give her to me and I will take care of her." He made the mistake of saying this again after I had her because I wanted to attend church and he didn't come to my house on time to take care of our daughter because of work and I was upset because during that time everything was on his schedule, his work schedule, and would only see her when it was convenient for him basically. I told him to never say that to me again because I would never give her over to him. When I went to drop her off that weekend and explained to him the cost of supporting her and what I was paying, he laughed at me, didn't believe the amount in rent I was paying (I currently live with my mother and help with bills) and said he could get a house and provide a home for her, and I could just give her to him. I told him I did not trust him and felt like he was up to something and would take her from me if he had the chance. I also told him I would be filing for child support. I had a bad feeling and chose to not leave her there and took her back home with me. That was 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from him. I don't know if I was right, scared him off, or if this comes down to the money...im confused and want him to be a part of her life..I am not keeping her from him, but cannot continue to be told, "Just give her to me" and sit back and be okay with it. I feel like if he really wants to be a part of her life, he will make the effort. I also feel like his comments are a threat and I have to keep my eyes wide open. Am I wrong for feeling this way, and should I contact him to see her?

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Dove - posted on 09/17/2015

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Yep. My ex used to say similar when I tried to tell him that he was supposed to pay child support. 'I won't support them unless I have custody. If you give them to me I won't make you pay child support.' Nonsense like that. I have custody and he owes over $32,000 in back support... but I wouldn't trade having my kids for all the money in the world. ;)

You have to let go of what he says though or the anger and frustration will eat you alive.

Dove - posted on 09/17/2015

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If he knows how to get in contact with you... just wait for the mediation. Hopefully the two of you will be able to work things out to avoid a court battle, but you definitely need to have custody, visitation, and child support set up legally.

$500/month for child support for one child IS quite a bit. I do not know his income, so it may work out right... but I can't blame him for saying that is a lot.

You got mad at him because he couldn't come to your house on time for you to go to church because of work? That's a bit unreasonable... you want child support... he has to work to provide it. Take your kid to church WITH you... I've been a single mom of 3 since the day my youngest was born 7.5 years ago and he's gone to church every week since he was 10 days old...

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Jodi - posted on 09/17/2015

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Child support should be 50% of the cost of raising her......if you are trying to say it costs $1000 to support your child, then $500 would be reasonable. But that's a stretch.

Your rent doesn't count. Why? Because if you DIDN'T have a baby, wouldn't you still have to pay rent? Of course you would. So why should he have to contribute to that? At the moment, the baby is young enough to sleep in the same room as you. As the child gets older, yes, you will need more space, and it would be reasonable that he'd have to contribute to that (50% of the difference between the rent that you would have to pay for yourself and the rent you have to pay because of the child), but now?

It is also your choice to work part time. If you were to work full time, then I would say he should be contributing to 50% of those day care costs too. Cost of child support = 50/50.

The cost of supporting yourself is your responsibility. It does not cost $1000 a month to raise an infant.

[deleted account]

No I am not...I am providing a home for her and working part time to be able to raise her and save on day care costs. Child support is to pay for her necessities.

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2015

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Are your trying to say it is costing you $1000 a month to support an infant?

[deleted account]

Thankyou for your reply dove. I did the math for everything, and that was about the cost of what everything for her will be. I am even willing to negotiate at mediation, but I feel that is fair especially based on his income and what our state requires. I'm even asking for less and not milking him for all he is worth! And yes it was somewhat unreasonable how I acted about the church incident, but as long as I've known him everything revolves around what he needs to do...and he has skipped visits with her to do laundry of all things. It just bothers me how he is acting about things especially when he said I had nothing to worry about financially and the fact he has continued to say "just give her to me and go live your life" after I have asked him not to. It hurts and I feel like he just wants to get her so he does not have to deal with me and money.

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