should i divorce if i know it will hurt my daughter?

Christina - posted on 07/30/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I've been married for 10 years of which I've asked for him to go to councleing for 8 of those years..We both are military and with our deployments we haven't seen much of eachother.We have a 10 year old daughter who is what keeps us married.I retireed early from the ARMY because I got hurt and found out I had Lupus and my daughter was chronically ill at the time.He didn't want to get out of the military..He thinks its his life..I had to fight many times to save my daughters life and he was never around.When she was in the hospital he would go visit his friends.I felt so abandoned by him.Then the violence started and he ended up raping me even though he knew about me being raped in the Army.I lost all respect for him and went in to a 5 year depression..I stoped being the mother I knew I was..Stopped everything..Was in bed on heavy doses of narcotics for my pain..I asked him to leave me because I didn't want to be a burden on him..He stayed tho..Now he's stationed in Korea and I found a bestfriend that woke me up.I haven't been this happy since my daughter was born.I'm no longer depressed and don't need all those narcotics.But I want a divorce.I had tried to kill myself many times because I seen that as the only way out.But now I see more clearly.My question is should my love for my daughter make me stay in a marriage that I know is bad for my soul?my daughter and I have a very close bond that she has yet to get with her daddy..he is a good father to her.I have just never hurt my daughter and I'm so scared that this will destroy her life and make her unhappy..please help..my life and future depend on it..Thank you and God bless you.

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Tracy - posted on 07/30/2010

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The second he laid hands on you, divorce became your only option. Yes, it's going to hurt your daughter, but what will hurt her worse is having the ingrained mentality that abusive men are just fine. She needs a healthy, happy mom. And no he can't be a good father if he's laying hands on the mother of his child. Restraining order, report him to his superiors, divorce, period.

Good luck to you!

[deleted account]

I have to agree Louise, you should get divorced. That's no way to live with someone you can no longer respect and trust, and that wont go do the extensive counceling that you both would need to have a chance at mending the relationship. He has already hurt you and your daughter (she has lived through your problems even if you might not fight in front of her ect). Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that's the kind of a relationship you should have with a man, she and you both deserve so much better.

Louise - posted on 07/30/2010

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You only have one life honey! You sound so low file for divorce there is no love in this relationship for you. Your daughter is not stupid and at 10 years old she is aware of what is going on between mum and dad. Sit her down and explain to her that you are not happy and to be happy you need to move on with your life, tell her her dad loves her lots and she will see him when he comes home. You need to start living and coming out of the depression you have found yourself in. A healthy happy mummy is what your daughter wants. You wil probably find that she is relieved that you have made the choice. She must pick up on the atmosphere when he is around you. Try and find a support group for you and your daughter to talk things through. I wish you the strength to do this and a happier future. God bless. xx

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Kathy - posted on 08/04/2010

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Christina,

Your marriage has already hurt your daughter. Don't believe for a moment that your child is clueless to what you and your husband have been through. Children are not ignorant at all to their parents' marriages, in good or bad times. They know it all. If you need out of marriage and from what you have shared, you NEED out, get out!! A divorce is just an end to a bad thing. She will be hurt but probably also relieved. He will get visitation so she will get to have her relationship with her father. Do NOT let the fear of hurting your daughter stop you from leaving an abusive man. By staying, you are hurting her more. She is learning that being abused is alright. Yes she knows he is abusive to you. She is 10 not 1. Use the support you have and take that final step. You will be ok and so will your daughter. Good luck!

Alison - posted on 08/04/2010

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He stopped being your husband a long time ago. Your daughter will be just as shattered if you wait until she leaves home or if she looses you to depression or violence. Get out of this relationship.

But do take things REAL slow with the new guy. You've got some serious healing to do.

Misty - posted on 08/04/2010

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Divorce his behind. Children are resilient! Would you want your daughter to stay in a relationship like this? No. you need to teach her now that not all things in life work out, nor are they pleasant. But you work through them and come out on the other side! You and your daughter sound like a great team, use that strength to get your lives back. you say he is a great Dad, well I have to disagree, if he was not there for your daughter when she was ill, and if he treats her mother like garbage, then he is such a great Dad. Life is way too short to waste on a man that doesn't treat you well. Move on and start over... it's not a scary as you think, it is actually pretty exciting!

Camilla - posted on 08/03/2010

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No one should ever stay together just for the sake of a child. My parents went back and forth for many years and fought the whole time. It is worse for a child to have to watch their parents fight and know they are not happy, no matter how hard you try to hide it, your child knows there is something wrong.

Ashley - posted on 08/03/2010

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sounds to me you are unhappy and no offense and your husband is not the greatest father/husband. If you are happier away from him by all means divorce....if you stayed with him I think you and your daughter would suffer more. It is possible to be good parents but divorced as long as you keep everything civil

Jane - posted on 08/03/2010

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I've always believed that staying together for the children's sake is more harmful then the actual divorce. Do you really want your daughter to believe marriage should be what you have? I don't think so. I think what you want is for your daughter to see a happy relationship so that when it's time for HER to get into a relationship, she gets into a healthy one. Kids will do what they learn...and that includes get into toxic relationships if that's the example they've had their whole childhood. Get the divorce, explain to your daughter that you just don't love eachother any longer and that it has nothing to do with her.

I have been happily divorced from my childrens father for 13 years now and I have a better relationship with my ex NOW then I did when we were married. Our kids see it and now see me in my second marriage happier than I've ever been. They are learning what a healthy marriage is all about...love, respect, kindness, etc.

Divorce does not have to be bad....it can be good if you put the children first.

Tina - posted on 08/03/2010

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at the risk of sounding like a horrible person can I just throw out there that because you are hurting so much and you have been through more than most people, that this guy might look so much better because or your darkness. Every relationship has its problem and in 10 years you might be thinking how in the world did I get here again. If you are going to divorce don't let it be for another man. You (and your daughter) are going to have a whole lot of healing to do and you are in no place to be able to fully give your heart to another. You are broken and wounded. How can you fully know what you want as any ray of sunshine will look like heaven right now. You need time to adjust to your new life (as does your daughter) and to discover who you are! Take the time to get to know yourself and understand what it is you need and want in a relationship. I was one of those kids that saw my mom go through relationships and I can tell you that mixing families is So Very hard. You have time...Take a brake for yours and your daughters sake. Also talk with her... she understands more than you know!
Wishing you all the best!!

Marie - posted on 07/30/2010

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Agree with the others. It's one thing to just fall out of love, but a child knows far more than we'd like them to know. Staying in this sort of situation will only set her up for dysfunctional relationships herself.

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