Should I forgive my husband from texting my 12 y/o daughter Innaprop?

Roxanne - posted on 05/08/2017 ( 11 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone, I am new to this circle and would like your opinion.
About 6 months ago my 12 year old daughter came to me to tell me that my husband of 6 years (her step father) had been texting her inappropriately telling her that he was "in love with her" I immediately took her phone and saw all her messages where he tells her how beautiful she is and how he wants to have time alone with her etc etc, where she hardly answers him and refuses to spend time with him and all this made me understand why she was acting cold with him and how he had been acting towards her. He was suddenly very attentive with her, always buying her things, always taking her to games or friends homes, but at the same time he was also always angry with her, nothing she did was ever right, she was suddenly rude and had terrible behavior under his eyes and hated that she spend so much time with her friends which I couldn't understand why all this would make him so mad...our relationship was also suffering due to his non stop yelling and accusing me of spoiling her rotten etc. This had been happening for the last 2 or 3 months and she was finally fed up and took the courage to tell me. She also told me how he had touch her inappropriately and kept wanting time alone with her for more. I immediately confronted him and kicked him out of the house and the next day went to the police and he was charged with 2 counts of sexual aggravated assault to a minor. Since then he fled the country to his home town and is still wanted for those charges. He however has been in contact with me asking me for forgiveness and telling me how he has changed etc. I feel that I can't trust him anymore and could never be a family with him again. I have had horrible guilt for what my child went through and feel that he will never change. Even though there was no sex or physical abuse, the fact that he could say those things to a child just makes me sick. He since then has apologized many times and says he is a changed person and that nothing physical ever happened, he also says that he wants to be a family again and has been supporting us financially, he wants me to drop the charges or help him solve this as he says we over did everything and that my daughter invented the inappropriate touching. I do believe my daughter and i have such a hard time believing him and forgiving him. Do you all think this could be forgiven and start a life again with him? I just don't see how....I know time heals and he says he has changed because God has forgiven him and he has turned his life around which i still doubt. Has anyone been through this before and has been able to redo their lives together? is there such a thing?

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Tammy - posted on 05/11/2017

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He did sexually abuse her. I could write a 100 pg. Response to this as a sexual abuse victim, Mother of 2, mental health counselor, and in general a woman. But all I will say is, He will do it again to her or another little girl, if he hasn't already. He is a pedophile and needs to be in therapy/treatment. Also, Mom, you and your daughter 100% need to be in therapy to process and deal with this situation. 1 million % your daughter should be. If you can't stay away from him for yourself..then do it for your daughter.

Tracy - posted on 05/11/2017

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Forgiveness is essential, however that doesn't mean you pick up and start over with the person. Sometimes forgiving takes time and I'm very thankful that the situation didn't turn physical- even though these texts and attention your daughter received was no doubt scary to her and gave her mixed feelings- I so commend her for coming to you, so many of us hide it and never say anything until it is too late.
Just gonna share a little bit of my experience- as a 10 year old girl my mom's boyfriend began saying things(much like your daughter received in her text), then he'd buy me things and he'd show me things that a child shouldn't see(stories and porn), then because I never told he began touching me until finally raping me- I was too scared to tell, I thought I had done something- so finally after a pregnancy scare I told- however my mom didn't believe me-she still let him come around, he did stop for a bit but one day he tried again and I was scared and over it- I ended up escaping though marriage and becoming a mom at 16. Please if you're not already reassure your daughter that she did the right thing in telling and that he was in the wrong-get her counseling. praying for wisdom

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2017

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Yes there was abuse- both sexual and emotional abuse. If he was charged, how did he make bail and still have a passport to flee the country? You cannot drop the charges, only the state can as many kids/wives have been persuaded to recant. You can forgive him if you want but I'd never let that monster back in my home or anywhere near my child.

Michelle - posted on 05/08/2017

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Do NOT take this creep back!!!!
Abusers will say whatever they think you want to hear to be able to get what they want. There is no way you should ever trust him around your daughter again.
Cut all contact and file for divorce.
How does he know God has "forgiven" him? That doesn't matter anyway, YOU should never forgive him. If he had the chance, he probably would have done worse to your daughter but luckily, she didn't let him get the chance. You have a very strong and wise daughter, make sure she knows she did the right thing by reporting him. If you take him back, she will never trust you again.

Dove - posted on 05/08/2017

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I would not drop charges and I would never speak to him again. Even if he HAS changed (doubtful)... you owe it to your daughter to never risk putting her in that position again. If you have not already filed for divorce... I'd be speaking to a divorce lawyer first thing tomorrow morning and get those papers started.

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Lena - posted on 06/29/2017

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No, that is how "sick" things begin. He should have known better in the first place. That kind of stuff is scary to think about. It's called a Red Flag. I mean, I don't know you or your husband and no offense, but it does make you think.

Julie - posted on 05/19/2017

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I appreciate your willingness to forgive, but I think it is also very dangerous for you to allow him to be near your daughter again. As a responsible mother, you need to absolutely set a boundary against him having any contact with you or her. It's ok to forgive from afar but this is not a man you can trust to parent with you. And it's totally unfair to put your daughter in his presence again, even if he didn't do anything again, it would be psychologically too traumatizing for her.
I'm sorry that it's difficult but it's the right thing for you to do to keep him totally away from her (and I"d say you as well). I would personally have a hard time forgiving him for traumatizing my daughter, either way, but if you can forgive, that's fine. Forgive in your heart and do not bring him back into your lives.

Amanda - posted on 05/17/2017

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Um....NO! Your job as a mother is to protect your child! He is a very sick man and as sick men often do, he is trying to use religion as a way to gain access back to your daughter. He doesn't love you. If he loved you, this would have NEVER happened. He swears there was no touching? But from what you described, it sounds like he didn't want your daughter to be away from him.

"my 12 year old daughter came to me to tell me that my husband of 6 years (her step father) had been texting her inappropriately telling her that he was "in love with her" I immediately took her phone and saw all her messages where he tells her how beautiful she is and how he wants to have time alone with her etc etc,"

Really? That right there is enough to tell you he's a liar. He wants time alone with her? For what? What reason woulda grown man have to want time alone with his young step daughter?

Do NOT put yourself or your DAUGHTER into this monster's hands again. So what if he's supporting you financially. Doesn't mean he gets access to your child. That doesn't mean his advances towards your child is excused. Seriously, if you go back to this man and drop those charges, you basically just pimped your daughter out. Does that sound like something you would do? He's going to hurt her. He has an obsession with her. Do your job as a mom and protect your child.

Tando - posted on 05/17/2017

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OMG!!!!! please don't you ever trust that monster.I thank God for whispering in your daughter's ear to do the right thing , to stood by her and taking the best decision on her behalf.Please don't drop the charges .Our loving God teaches us about forgiveness,so you can forgive him but you can't allow that monster to be back in your lives.You need to file for a divorce.Hope all the best

Ev - posted on 05/08/2017

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{{About 6 months ago my 12 year old daughter came to me to tell me that my husband of 6 years (her step father) had been texting her inappropriately telling her that he was "in love with her" I immediately took her phone and saw all her messages where he tells her how beautiful she is and how he wants to have time alone with her etc etc, where she hardly answers him and refuses to spend time with him and all this made me understand why she was acting cold with him and how he had been acting towards her. He was suddenly very attentive with her, always buying her things, always taking her to games or friends homes, but at the same time he was also always angry with her, nothing she did was ever right, she was suddenly rude and had terrible behavior under his eyes and hated that she spend so much time with her friends which I couldn't understand why all this would make him so mad...our relationship was also suffering due to his non stop yelling and accusing me of spoiling her rotten etc. This had been happening for the last 2 or 3 months and she was finally fed up and took the courage to tell me.}}
~~~~~I am glad your daughter came to tell you about the actions of her so called step father.


{{ She also told me how he had touch her inappropriately and kept wanting time alone with her for more. I immediately confronted him and kicked him out of the house and the next day went to the police and he was charged with 2 counts of sexual aggravated assault to a minor.}}
~~~~~Perfect moves on your part. He is a pedophile.

{{ Since then he fled the country to his home town and is still wanted for those charges. He however has been in contact with me asking me for forgiveness and telling me how he has changed etc. I feel that I can't trust him anymore and could never be a family with him again. I have had horrible guilt for what my child went through and feel that he will never change.}}
~~~~~It is hard to forgive a person for a transgression such as this. He is just hoping to get back into the country and hoping you and she will forget what he did. He is also most likely hoping you drop the charges against him too. When you say he is out of the country---where is he from? Where are you from?

{{ Even though there was no sex or physical abuse, the fact that he could say those things to a child just makes me sick.}}
~~~~~Actually, he touched her in places he should not have—that is sexual assault. It is also abuse too. He is emotionally abusing her as well. You do not have to have sex for it to be a sexual act.

{{ He since then has apologized many times and says he is a changed person and that nothing physical ever happened, he also says that he wants to be a family again and has been supporting us financially, he wants me to drop the charges or help him solve this as he says we over did everything and that my daughter invented the inappropriate touching.}}
~~~~~He can apologize all he wants to and claim he has changed but he would need to prove it. Yes, physical did happen---he touched her and he is denying this. Do not let his saying he supported you guys with financially and all that so he can get to you and come back. He is using these things to get you to back off. Of course he wants the charges dropped!!! He does not want to be in trouble. He may never work on solving things. And I doubt a 12 year old would invent such a thing if he was sending her inappropriate texts to begin with.


{{ I do believe my daughter and i have such a hard time believing him and forgiving him.}}
~~~~~Why would you question your daughter? She is the victim here not him.


{{ Do you all think this could be forgiven and start a life again with him? I just don't see how....I know time heals and he says he has changed because God has forgiven him and he has turned his life around which i still doubt.}}
~~~~~I think in time you might find a way to forgive him but WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER starting over with this man? He has no proven himself capable of being appropriate with your child or any child. He has charges for sexual assault on a child. He ran off---that alone is guilty. THIS MAN IS A PEDOPHILE!!! What makes you think he won’t do this again to your daughter or one of her friends!?

{{ Has anyone been through this before and has been able to redo their lives together? is there such a thing?}}
~~~~~I have never had this issue arise. But if it did, I would not be going back to that man for no reason even if he was financially supporting me and the kids for a long period of time. He has misused your trust and that of your daughter. He has totally disrespected you and her. He has taken advantage of a 12 year old child who depends on YOU to protect her from people like this. He has tried to make it like it is her fault and he was the one that sent those texts, touched her (which he does not seem to really deny doing), and then ran to his home country when he got charged with the assault charges! Is that the kind of man you want your child to know or be around? Is this how you want your daughter to learn how men can treat women and young girls? What lessons do you want her to take from this. Also, get her counseling and yourself as well. Divorce this pedophile before it is too late.

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