Should i give my childs dad a second chance at being a family. or should i continue my current relationship?

Tara - posted on 06/23/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I left my childs dad when Candice was 6 months. our relationship of 3 year felt like it wwas coming to an end. we always argued about stupid shit and were not happy, he would play poker online or video games. never gave me anytime. but was happy with his daughter. I tried talking it out with him but he never seemed to care. it got to a point were we started to disrespect each other. emotionally and verbally abuse each other. so I left and moved on my own.

but 6 months after we broke up I got into another relationship with a old friend that I always liked since highschool. things moved quickly and soon he was living with me. I ignored all his fault cause I drank a lot with him. but soon I was getting my self in trouble so I sobered up. Bruce was a major alcoholic. for a while lost my trust in him. but we decided to work on it and he went and got help. and doesnt feel the need to drink everyday and is happy with me and my child. he still messes up and I find alcohol hidden in our place. but ive come to a conclusion that its a alcohol disease and he always going to be struggling with it.

I cant help feeling that I shuld give Candice dad a second chance. and let bruce fix his self on his own term instead of stressing me out with his situation. but I don't feel I love Candice dad how I use to. if anything I hate lots about him. he is a very immature 30 year old. and am scared that am going back into a relationship where it leaves me feeling lonely and arguing all the time. and also I don't feel attracted to him anymore... I mainly want to try again with him. because he is so lonely and depressed not being able to see Candice 24=7. but we both agreed if we got back together we would have to be in love again.

Am so confused I need some advice. I cant let down my walls with my current relationship because of Candice dad always interfering. I want to move on but am so confused what the right decision is for me.

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Jodi - posted on 06/24/2013

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It sounds to me like you should try being on your own for a while. Why do you have to choose one or the other? Neither of them are good for you. If you don't love him and you are only considering it because he's her dad, you aren't doing anyone any favours. Walk away from both relationships and develop a co-parenting relationship with her dad. That's it.

Michelle - posted on 06/24/2013

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I agree with the others. Find out who YOU are and be by yourself for a while. Be everything you can be for your daughter and you will be amazed at how strong you really are. You will then look back on these 2 relationships with open eyes and see the reality.
The minute I stopped looking for someone and relying on men I found the most wonderful man. It wasn't until I found out who I was and that I wasn't a helpless woman that I found the right man.

Kristi - posted on 06/24/2013

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I agree with Jodi (again). I always used to think I NEEDED a man in my life and/or that my child's father and I should "make it work." Needless to say, I subjected not only myself but worse, my kids, to a lot of unnecessary arguing, abuse, instability, confusion and unhappiness by remaining in unhealthy relationships. I believed I was trying to do what was best, trying to make things right. But, I wasn't.

For the first time since I was a teenager, I am single and I have been for 2 years. It was not by choice at first, either. I honestly believed I would not survive. I was scared of everything. I was on my 2nd marriage and this was the man that I was going to grow old with, I made the right choice this time, even my family said so. He was the best step-father, he would protect my daughter with his life. He loved her like his own. What were we going to do?

Well, my daughter is happier than I've seen her since I left her father. She laughs...all the time, she has lots of friends, plays sports, volunteers and we have an amazing relationship. I'm still figuring things out. I'm doing better and better as time goes by. I've realized this is my chance to do things my way. I can learn a new hobby, I can watch whatever I want, I can try a new hair style, I can reinvent myself and change the things I don't like and improve the things I do. I can add a little bit of this or a little bit of that whenever I want. Seeing how much my daughter has blossomed and is excelling makes everything worth it. She has more self confidence and is more out going than she ever was. We aren't surrounded with negativity all the time and it is like a weight is lifted off our shoulders.

Is it all rainbows and unicorns...of course not. I get lonely and sad sometimes. Even though she won't admit it, I have to imagine it is hard for my daughter not to have any father at all. But, that doesn't have to be your case because it sounds like your daughter's father wants to be part of her life. (we moved out of state and I've had a hard time meeting people which is why I struggle with loneliness) Anyways, long story short...you can be happy and healthy without a man and your daughter can still have a good relationship with her father without you and he living together.

Amy - posted on 06/24/2013

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I 100% agree with Jodi, it sounds like you need to be on your own. You don't have to be with someone at all go be happy and it sounds like both these guys have their own set of issues/problems. You should work in improving yourself and then down the road try finding someone.

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