Should I give my sons dad another chance to see him but its taking a gamble with my sons heart invade he let's him down???

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Dove - posted on 09/21/2013

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Your son always has a right to know his father. If there is no court order and you are concerned about drug use or emotional trouble for your son... by all means have the visits supervised (a neutral 3rd party might be best)... but don't take your son's father away from him.

If your son's father is breaking his heart.... YOU find a way to pick up the pieces and help him through it. It's not easy, that's for sure, but as much as I can't stand my ex and wish he would disappear to make my job easier.... THAT would hurt my kids more than his random and rare participation in their lives.

Christine - posted on 09/21/2013

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I had a similar situation when my son was young. His dad and I split when my son was 5 months old. I took out an emergency injuction due to his violent outbursts. He saw my son once or twice in the weeks after we split and then nothing for months. He would show up and disappear when he felt like. I eventually told him to go through court if he was serious about seeing him and before long the process was underway. I was so stressed knowing his Dad was taking drugs and up to no good and that he may be given the right to take my son along with him and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. There was a meeting during a court visit we both attended. They try to find a way to resolve any issues. I expressed my concerns about drugs and asked about drug testing beforehand. It had been about a year at this point since there had been any contact between my son and his Dad so I also said they were strangers and I would not hand my son over to strangers nor would anybody expect me to in any other situation. They decided to do supervised visits and reassess the situation once they had monitored my son and his Dad together. I went to the centre for the first visit and felt sick with worry about it all. His dad never showed up! I went the next time and he didn't show up again. The case went back to court and they threw it out straight away. He never had contact again until my son was 13 years old. My intention was never to stop him seeing my son, I just wanted to protect him and believe I did just that. When he finally contacted me 12 years on my son was curious and wanted to meet him. It was really hard but I put my feelings aside and took my son for a visit. I did this every week for the next few months and always stayed for the whole visit. My son decided after a few months he liked his life as it was and we stopped going. He is 18 now and sees his father sometimes. I never slagged his father off over the years even when I really wanted to! I am very proud to say my son has no resentment toward either of us and has no emotional issues about it. You are his mum and you sound like a great one so trust your judgement and do what you feel is right for your son. Good luck.

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Christine - posted on 09/21/2013

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Well he seems to have a mum who is clearly concerned about what's best 4 him so im sure he will be fine. If you end up going thru court remember judges see this stuff every day and can probably spot these types of fathers a mile off so stay strong and have faith. xx

Karen - posted on 09/21/2013

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Thank you hope my son will be as happy as ur son is so trust my judgement it's hard to make the right one but u av helped xx

Ev - posted on 09/21/2013

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I can understand that totally, but you have to have proof not just someone's word for it. A judge will not look at anything other than proof. If his dad has been arrested for drugs or had to do rehab for it that would be records that could be used in court to prove him unfit. Because unless you have any proof of his being unfit, no judge is not going to go on just your word or that of a few witnesses to say he is not a fit parent. That is the thing. And without those court documents and such, you or his dad can for the time being have custody of that boy. Right now its a he said/she said kind of thing. I have been through custody and its not pretty when its just two normal parents. That is the point I am trying to make and I can also tell you for a fact that it does become a game between a lot of couples who fight over the kids. I am laying out facts here about custody. I just want you to understand what it can get to if you do not have proof or whatever to get it set in the best interest of that boy.

Jodi - posted on 09/21/2013

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If he won't go to them, then you need to continue the court process and get court orders regardless of his participation. If he has a drug problem, consider supervised visitation. Theses are the best things to do to protect your son if what you say is true. Unfortunately, his family telling you he is taking drugs is not "evidence", it is hearsay.

I must admit, I am a little confused, because you say that your son hasn't seen his dad in a year, but you also say YOU are the one who is stopping it and has been preventing it in that time. So this man hasn't let your son down in a year.

You still haven't said how old your son is.

Karen - posted on 09/21/2013

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This isn't about playing games this is my sons life where talking about and I so no for a fact about the drug taking his family tells me the reason I stopped him seen my son because he kept letting him down and was breaking his heart I have tested to go threw the courts and mediation but he wouldn't go to them all I do is for my sons best interest I wud love nutting more than him to play apart in his sons life but he keeps letting him down and breaking his heart

Ev - posted on 09/20/2013

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I have read all the posts between you and Jodi. I will agree in part to your thought that his dad's lack of presence in his life can add to his speech delay but its not all of his speech problems. There had to have been some delay in development or something else that is the root cause such as early birth or other problems as a result of birth or genetics.

That said, its not enough to keep his father from seeing him. Nor is your word that his father is a drug addict at present or in the past. You have to have proof that this man is still doing this and has not had help or treatment for it. Also, you should have had some sort of court order set up when your son was a new baby showing custody, visitation and child support. This would have prevented a lot of things and made a lot of things happen. Your child would have financial support, dad would have set visitation by the court depending on proof of his drug use and other issues, what kind of custody it would be (joint or full depending on judge and circumstances), and any other things that your place of residence or country deems necessary for a child's welfare because that is what the judges look at. You and dad can go in there and do the he said/she said thing and that is not going to fly. Judges want proof be it in forms of police records, other court cases (pending he has any judgments against him for his drug problems), family services records, and other types of documentation kept. If you want to take it deeper there are character witnesses for both of you (frankly, they would say good things for the both of you to make you look better), witnesses to things that went on between you (the witness would have had to see and hear what went on and not repeat second hand information) and other things. The bottom line is you need that court order.

Do not hold a child from the other parent. That parent is also the child's family. In the future, if your child asks why dad was never there and you tell some story about the drug use and stuff as your reasons but you never got a court order over it, your kid is going to resent you greatly for having kept dad away. You decided to make this man a father to a child you had, you did not have to have a kid with that man. This child did not ask to be born to this world and can not choose the parents. That is not an option. The child suffers the most because the parents start to play the game about who gets the kid, who is the better parent, who does this or that...so on and forth. Its not fair to the kid.

Karen - posted on 09/20/2013

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My son is nearly four other than trouble with his dad he is a happy little boy no other problems

Karen - posted on 09/20/2013

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I'm sure that wont happen because I also stopped him seen my son because of his drug taking

Karen - posted on 09/20/2013

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He hasn't seen my son for nearly a year he craves male attention but scared incase he messes up my sons head worse n speech stops again

Jodi - posted on 09/20/2013

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How old is your son?

And just be aware that if your ex decides to file for visitation, he is likely to get it. If you decide NOT to allow him contact with his son, it may be poorly perceived by the court.

Karen - posted on 09/20/2013

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It's has never gone to court I had to stop him seen my son cause he kept letting him down and was affecting my son so much his speech stopped he has speech therapy and has come along great but every now and then he will say want my dad want my son to he happy but also want to protect him!!

Allison - posted on 09/20/2013

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I went through a similar experience and I learned that I can not tell my children that their dad is coming so my son and daughter do not have feelings of being let down. when he did come, I said he was there but he often did not...

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