Should i invite my mother to my daughter's first birthday?

Amy-lee - posted on 02/27/2010 ( 52 moms have responded )

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hi its my daughters first birthday coming up and my moter and i are not on talking terms she said she wanted nothing to do with me,untill i toled her that ment neela too, them she said she ment emotionally its called tough love she said, i said i didnt want that and to get out my house. now i dont know if i shld invite her i know it is her grand daughter but does she really deserve to come i really need some help here?

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Lisa - posted on 03/06/2010

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Your daughters birthday is about her, not you. She needs her grandma. Send out the invite and then leave the ball in her court. And by all means, when it is NOT the birthday party, work things out with your Mom. Life is short and sometimes a lot shorter than you think. Don't live with regrets. :)

Janet - posted on 03/07/2010

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Personally, I don't think anyone 'deserves' much of anything and she certainly hasn't earned an invitation. But I also don't believe that just because you're bio-related that you instantly have 'rights' to each other. Without knowing why she felt you needed a tough love approach, I'd still say no - she said she didn't wanted nothing to do with you, so unless you're not going to be there, I'd assume she didn't want to attend the party. She's an adult - let her live with the consequence of her words until she decides otherwise.

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Corrine - posted on 10/22/2012

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I would, grandmothers are the greatest blessing a child can have. (Well some of them anyway)

[deleted account]

Hi! I agree that you should invite your mother - she may not come but that is her choice then and you have still done the right thing to maintain the peace - as Dr Phil says - this situation needs a hero to step up and sort it out and that can be you. Also how will you feel down the track if you patch things up with your Mum(and chances are you will) and haven't invited her and forever she will have over you that you didn't invite her to her Granddaughter's first birthday? Sounds like you 2 have a few issues to work out but your Granddaughter and her Grandmother should have a chance to have a relationship too and you may realise you will need your Mum too! I can't do kids without the support of my Mum! Have you been taking your Mum for granted by any chance? No judgement intended and good Luck with your decision!

Melissa - posted on 03/13/2010

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No, Do not invite her. Why reward her for bad behavior. Yer daughter is not old enough to influence anything. if she was older you could have her call and invite if she really wanted to. and this is something you wouldn't stand in the way of. but while she is tooo young to do so it is yer decission. Sometimes parents try to over parent after we are parents, and yes We Can Now draw a line. WE still love em, but in ''tough love'' it works both ways!!! This is not punishing yer lill girl, jst tell her g-ma couldn't make it today and nothing more. you dont want to put a wedge between them. but stand yer ground in yer own home!! Sorry yer having this trouble, ive been down that road a few xxxxxxxxxx's LOL!

Jennifer - posted on 03/13/2010

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OMG!!! Been there, done that. A few years ago my mom and I had a falling out. She hung up on me during a bitter argument and I never called her back. We didn't speak for over a year and a half. Then my oldest daughter's communion came up. We mailed her an invitation and wrote on it that she was welcome to come but if she didn't want to we would understand. She did come to the party and we talked a bit and we both apologized and have been talking ever since. We are by no means close to each other but we are able to keep things civilized for my kids. I think we both realized that she and my dad really missed out on a lot in my kids lives during the year and a half and we don't want them to miss any more.

Teresa - posted on 03/12/2010

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she is you mother and that won't ever stop. the honorable thing to do to is invite her.

Linell - posted on 03/11/2010

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I think she does deserve to b invited, it is her grandchild after all.U both said alot of hurtful things, But u need to establish ground rules in your home; Respect each other especially in font of your daugther, dont engage in any discussion that isn't mostly innocuous (harmless) .

Linell - posted on 03/11/2010

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I would, what she said hurt u. forgive her. But you need to set boundaries on what is acceptable for your home.refuse to engage in any discussion that isn't mostly innocuous (harmless) do not get into the deeper subjects.
Your mom needs to respect your home.

[deleted account]

Naturally you want to keep striving for a good relationship between you and your mother, and between your daughter and her grandmother. If you can make it a good situation of course invite her, but I wouldn't sweat the birthday party too much - at age 1, your daughter really won't remember...and a day is just a day...

Betty - posted on 03/11/2010

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By all means your Mom doesn't know what she is missing the baby willwin her over. You didn't say whose the tiffed one you or her. If its her it will show her you still love and care for her and want her in your life. If its you samething. Betty Jewell

Carolyn - posted on 03/11/2010

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ITS A TOUGH SITUATION UR IN AMY-LEE,SUCH A HAPPY TIME IN UR LIFR WEN U HAVE A CHILD AND IM SURE U WOULD LIKE NOTHING ELSE BUT TO GET ON TRACK WITH UR MUM.IF IT WERE ME I WUD OPEN MY HEART 2 HER N LET HER NO HOW U FEEL AND THATS ITS UR LIFE N U NO HOW 2 LUK AFTER URSELF AND THE BABY.TELL HER U JUST NEED HER 2 BE IN UR LIFE,N TEL HER HOW UR HURTING!!!!HOPE U GET IT SORTED SOON .

Rena - posted on 03/11/2010

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I would only invite her contingent on some ground rules of being pleasant and polite to you while she's there. If she's willing to put aside the stuff between the two of you for the sake of her granddaughter then I think it's probably in your daughter's best interest. If she doesn't behave then I would I ask her to leave immediately and not invite her to the next event unless there is some kind of reconcilliation before then. Just try to keep the focus on what's best for your daughter. Good luck!

April - posted on 03/11/2010

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OMG...The same thing has happened to me repeatedly....My mom and I not talking and something importants comes up concerning the kids...Well the way I handled it was to invite her anyway, and if she doesnt come thats on her....You have done your part..Maybe this event will bring you two together and yall can talk your problems out..

[deleted account]

On one hand, I sympathize with you because my dad has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me. His wife even told me "it's all about the boys" (my two sons). And being that my dad displays favoritism between my sons, I am hesitant about how much involvement he has in their lives.



On the other, I cannot stand my father-in-law but know he loves my boys. Our differences have nothing to do with those two and for me to keep them from him would be no less than using them to my advantage; it would be selfish. So I allow it because I love them and know he does too.



In short, it depends on the circumstances. If your issue with your mother doesn't extend to your daughter (personal offense between just the two of you that doesn't involve danger to others or herself), I'd say invite her. If your issue with her includes your daughter (putting your daughter in danger, acting in a way that would be detrimental to your daughter's emotional well-being, etc), don't invite her and keep her as far away from your daughter as possible.

Melanie - posted on 03/11/2010

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I don't think you should haver her influence in your life. You can't say it's tough love for you but only want to see your daughter. My mum refused to bond with my son because his life expectancy may be only 5 years. She only saw me as having one child not 2. she used to let my daughter down quite a lot so i kicked her out of our lives. I have less stress and my daughter isn't getting upset anymore (son doesn't know her so doesn't miss her). I hope you are able to reach some decision but mostly i hope you have a stress free life good luck xx

[deleted account]

No... I don't she deserves to attend the birthday party. The party is as much for you as it is for your daughter. To celebrate getting through the first year! She will spoil the day for you. IF you decide you would like her to still be allowed to have a relationship with your daughter whilst you are both not talking, she can come and visit on a day that isn't as special as the first birthday party.
My opinion is a definite NO.
However, if you would like to take this as an opportunity to mend bridges with her then i'd say a definite Yes.
It's a tough situation, good luck.

Mona - posted on 03/10/2010

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girl! have only 1 Mother,husbands,boyfriends,children u can always have more,but not ur Mom... as a child u invite her early before the event(weeks in advance)
what she does about it???? u did what God expects 4rm u. hounor our Parents etc.
trust this will help. put god b4 u !!!

Marlyn - posted on 03/10/2010

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I think you should....anyway its her grand daughter's day,any mis understanding between the two of you,maybe you can try to fix it for the sake of your sweety daughter's birthday!, good luck!

Kappy - posted on 03/10/2010

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OK. Obviously this is a tough situation and what is best for me might not be the right thing for you. That said, my opinion of family members and how involved they should be has to do with how destructive they are in my family's life. If my mother is just irritating, says stupid stuff like that from time to time, but doesn't mean it, she should still be involved when she is calmed down. But if the mom is destructive to my family, doing things that drive my husband and I apart, or telling my child things that make her think badly of her parents... or intentionally breaking the rules I have for my child when she is babysitting & then refusing to stop even when I talk to her about them... then it's time she got the boot. Until she shapes up. I'd be available if she wants to tell me she has changed, then be cautiously optimistic and see if she really has.

So, you haven't mentioned what your mom is like the rest of the time, but maybe you can evaluate her in these terms and see if that helps. Your daughter won't remember this birthday. It's just for grown-ups anyway. Might as well make your stand while she is young and it won't bug her to not see Nana for a while. Good luck. These situations are just so stressful!

Tanan - posted on 03/10/2010

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hi, i think you should invite her for her sake put all your differences aside so your daughter can have a lovely day.

Lori - posted on 03/09/2010

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Be the bigger person, and invite her but if she doesnt come then thats on her, but at least you tried

Darcy - posted on 03/07/2010

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One of the hardest things about growing up is being the bigger person. It is very hard doing what is right even if someone else, especially an older person, can not. I agree with those who say you should invite her. Even if she does not make up with you or try to make peace, you can be an adult about it and not argue back. Now I don't believe that you should let her abuse you or others and then you can ask her to leave, but don't make yourself look like the fool. If you stay calm and act like nothing is going on and she does not then she will be the one who looks foolish because you will be surprised how much little ones see.

Jenna - posted on 03/07/2010

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yes u should invite her.your mum is there for u 4 life!!! How would u feel if ur daughter had a child when she got older and u 2 had fallen out and she didnt invite u 2 ur grand-daughters 1st birthday party, I bet it would break ur heart.Maybe u could make up with her at the party and put ur differences aside.thats just my opinion tho,u do wot feels best :0)

Susan - posted on 03/07/2010

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I don't think there is an easy answer to your relationship with your mother and the big question of should you or shouldn't you invite her to your daughters birthday party. One things to take heart with is that your daughter is not likely to remember her 1st birthday so if you invite her and it's horible it won't damage her for life. You need to decide if you are done with your Mom or you want to fix the problems and go from there. Good Luck with the party plans.

Carol - posted on 03/07/2010

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you need to invite her...if she says no...then at least you put forward the effort and you won't have the guilt of saying to yourself I should have invited her...your daughter should not be held against issues between you and your mother

Carol - posted on 03/07/2010

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As someone who has lost their Mom I can tell you that time is short. Carrying around the feelings that you have going on right now will only way you down and make everyone around you unhappy. Invite your Mom. Hopefully things will begin to resolve. You will be giving your little girl a gift. That gift will be to be able to forgive and move on.

Vanise - posted on 03/07/2010

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I've been in your postition before with my mother in law. It's a tough call because you really just want what is best for your daughter and you never want any negative confrontation around her because at any age it's hard on the little ones. If she can't come and act apropriatly around your daughter then don't invite her. It's all about your children and the adult must always take that into concideration.

Pam - posted on 03/06/2010

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You only have one mother and your little one only has that one special grandma. Love her unconditionally the way Christ loves us and pray for her. There are tough decisions in life, just keep praying and trusting God to see you through. He will meet al your needs and bring healing for all of you. Enjoy your daughters first birthday for her, there won't be another first!

Kym - posted on 03/06/2010

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I dont know the circumstances that led your mother to say what she said so Im not about to judge either her or you but being one of the older mothers on here (56) I would like to share with you what I think and what I have learnt over the years. Life is far too short for families to be separated and in dispute. A child should never be used as a pawn by either parent or grandparent.

One of the greatest gifts that my mother gave me was the knowledge that the relationship between my father and her was totally different and separate to the relationship between my father and myself, this then allowed me to love my father totally guilt free without the worry that I was *doing something wrong* or *hurting* my mother. My father knew never to speak badly about my mother in my presence and my mother did the same. What ever the issue between you and your mother is needs to be confronted and worked out between you both and not include your child. Invite your mother, without her you wouldnt be here and therefore nor would your lovely little girl.Once invited your mother can then choose to either accept or reject the invitation, if she does overstep the mark on the actual day and say something that you find inappropriate then take her aside and tell her so, remind her that you are both there to celebrate the birth of your child, her grandchild and therefore it is a day of joy. If the worst happens then of course you can ask her to leave.

The important thing here is how your child feels, not how you or your mother feel.

I hope that I may have helped in some way, I wish you good luck and your little one a lovely birthday. God bless.

Hayley - posted on 03/06/2010

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your daughter deserves a relationship with her, and maybe it could bring you closer. Having my son brung me closer to my mum for sure. As you will learn parents cant always be right, and your mum may be trying to do the best thing she thinks for you. Sometimes parents make better grandparents i think . That is what i've found

[deleted account]

My dear,
I always had problems with my mother too.I used to always ask the doctor,& he sent me to a child specialist,who sent me to The Institute of Cild Guidance.The social workers are very good.They will interview members of the family,& help you sort it out.I think the dodtor is a good place to start.They can advise & also tell you of any help available.Good luck.Mothers are very cruel sometimes.

Sheree - posted on 03/06/2010

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Depends how strongly you feel about it. For our daughter's 1st birthday we are also having her naming day the same day. My in laws arent invited at they want nothing to do with me or our daughter, in fact they dont really want anything to do with my husband either. As far as im concerned they dont deserve to be there, and im very happy with my decison. You just have to make sure you wont regret it in the future. Good luck with your decision :)

Jill - posted on 03/06/2010

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I think my primary question is this - do you want your mother out of your life forever, or do you want to work something out with her? If you want her to be a part of your life in the future, the longer the separation continues the harder that reconnection will be. I don't know your situation well, but I can understand that there are reasons for not seeing your mother again, if she is abusive or neglectful. If however, you do want a relationship with her, the party might be a good olive branch, invite her and see if she shows up. If she tends to be emotionally manipulative, then talk to her and set some ground rules ahead of time for the party. If this doesn't help, of course disregard, I know how fraught this type of invitation can be. Good luck!

Cheryl - posted on 03/05/2010

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I would invite her.Be the bigger person, even though she is the oldest.You only get one Mother. Life is to short. Here today, gone tomorrow. If she was to close her eyes today or tomorrow, you will be at peace with that because you know that you tried to do the right thing. Because she is your Mother, that do not give her the right to say and do anything to you. You are a GROWN WOMAN, defend yourself. It"s not what you say it"s how you say it. Now if she comes to the birthday party and she do not know how to act, ask her nicely to leave your home. Don't make a seen. Remember it is your Baby first birthday party....Also I find it easier to write a letter, stating how you feel..Put your emotions on paper, that way she can read it over and over again and you don't have to repeat yourself or be interrupted....GOOD LUCK in what ever you decide to do....keep me post on how it turns out....

Rebecca - posted on 03/05/2010

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I'm going through the exact same thing but with my step sister. My child's birthday is in 2 months and I am wondering if I should invite her when she treats me like crap. To be honest I think you should invite her, if theres going to be fighting that your daughter would witness than I wouldn't though. I would set some ground rules. I guess it's like a test, if she picks to fight with you on your child's birthday than I would ask her to leave, and totally ignore all calls or visits from her, until she apoligizes.

Triny - posted on 03/05/2010

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I don't know why you and your mom are arguing but I think that you need to maybe be the bigger person and yes ask her to come to the party. She is after all your mother. I don't know how you were brought up but I could never have told my mother to get out of my house. I just can't imagine. But also to ask your mom just because you need help is not a good reason. It should be because you love her despite your differences and you and your baby want her there. Sometimes in life you need to take a step back, look at the picture and take the higher road even if it means taking the blame for something you haven't done. That will show that you have courage and character. When it comes to mothers and daughters there should never be distance. A mothers love is unconditional - just think about how you love your daughter. Good Luck and hope you have a wonderful time at your party.

Abbie - posted on 03/04/2010

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Be the bigger person invite her and show her that just because she doesn't like what you do, you still want her in your daughters life. Sometimes even parents ( meaning your mom) make mistakes as well. Worth a shot.

Gwen - posted on 03/04/2010

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Invite her. Your relationship w/ mother is different than your child's relationship. It's kind of like divorce...just because you don't love dad, doesn't mean your children shouldn't love him either. If she loves Neela and has a relationship with her, I say take the high road and invite your mom.

Cornetta - posted on 03/04/2010

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Mrs.Fear. Life is too short for you guys not be talking. You guys need to have a heart to heart talk and apologize to each other. Whatever was said or done just forgive. The devil always want to divide the family. Don't let him win because we have the victory. Do it for your daughter and for yourself. God Bless.

Christin - posted on 02/28/2010

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Harboring anger and resentment is not good for any of you. Perhaps extending this invitation could be a first step at mending fences. At the very least perhaps you can both be civil to one another for the sake of your daughter, it is not her fault that her mommy and grandma are not getting along. Children should be kept out of the adult arguments. Good luck with your daughters party and your relationship with your mother.

Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010

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I get the feeling grandma wants to protect the grandbaby ... extend the invitation, refuse to engage in any discussion that isn't mostly innocuous (harmless) do not get into the deeper subjects.



Your mom may not accept or want to accept your life choices and she doesn't have to. Unless it directly interferes with how you choose to raise your child, I don't think you should exclude grandma.

Courtney - posted on 02/28/2010

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If you know for sure that she will treat you and everyone in your home with respect while she is there and will not cause any drama or mess up your daughters day in any way i think you should allow her to come.. but if you have a feeling she will be disrespectful or anything i think you should tell her you would rather her not be there for that reason..if you dont allow her to come maybe you should send her a few pictures..or allow her to take your daughter out somewhere for her birthday later on.

[deleted account]

if your mom can come to the house treat her grand daughter with kindness and love and be respectful to all while in your home then i think yes.i dont think any child should never suffer in these matters just keep an eye and explain that to your mother before the party..if she agrees then thats good&if she crosses these at the party then you don't have a choice but to not allow her to be around.

Iridescent - posted on 02/28/2010

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She knew when she told you she wanted nothing to do with you that you were your child's mother. What did she expect, you to send her over with bells on, after? I don't think so. She just spoke first then realized what it meant later, and that's her problem. If you can stand her, talk to her about it first and let her know she can't have it both ways; you come as a package deal. I'd hate for my mother to be talking bad about me to my children (regardless of whether or not I were there; I shouldn't have to defend myself from my own mother), and in my personal case, it would be exactly that. Then leave it up to her. If she can be a grown-up, and treat you with respect as your daughter's mother (if not for the fact that you are HER daughter), then fine, invite her, but if not, don't waste the time or effort.

Lauren - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have been there, done that!!! I agree with Crystal. Go ahead and invite her and then she can decide whether or not to come. If she does let it be a day of celebrating your daughter. If it gets to be too much for either of you politely ask her to leave!!!

Crystal - posted on 02/27/2010

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Just because you are having problems between you guys doesn't mean take it away from the baby. It is a day to put all feelings aside and enjoy your daughter and her grand daughter. Invite her and let it be her choice.

[deleted account]

Okay, I know this is a touchy subject and all but it's kinda harsh for your mom to say she never wants to see you again and then decide otherwise when it comes to your daughter. Your daughter doesn't need to see mom and grandma fight and she doesn't need to grow up in that type of environment. Mom or not, I wouldn't want to deal with the emotional drama she's creating. If she's not mature enough to try to sit down and come to a mutual ground that the two of you can agree on, then I would say she doesn't need to come. You don't need that tension and your daughter doesn't need that negativity in her life. It sounds like your mom is very immature and it is hard to deal with people that are like that. I hope you can work it out, but I find that kind of stuff to be to emotionally draining. I'd just write her off and figure it's her choice. She made her bed now she can lie in it. I guess i'm just harsh like that, but I have no time for drama. Hope it helps. Your little girl deserves the best she can get emotionally and physically and I think you have her best interest at heart. Best to you. This is definitely a tough one.

Jasmine - posted on 02/27/2010

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I would, if not for you just for your daughter, your daughter needs a grandmother and others to love her, you shouldnt let a fit between you and your mom affect her.. just my opion though! good luck

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