Should I just accept I won't have any more children?

Anne - posted on 07/03/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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That's the last two mom-to-one friends I have just announced they are expecting an addition to their families and I'm feeling quite tearful about it. My 33rd birthday is coming up and I'm feeling sad that I will probably never hold another baby in my arms, never again have the experience of breastfeeding my child, never again touch those little toes, or see that expression in the eyes of a babe that shows mommy is the entire world for them, or experience any of the other wonderful milestones I remember from those first years. I am lucky to have a healthy, beautiful girl of 3 and a half already and so perhaps I should just be content with that. I just can't help feeling that other moms get to have it all again and since there's no physical reason preventing it why can't that be me too. I've hoped to be able to have another for a long time but no-one else in my family wants that. I brought up the subject of having another over the years with my husband but he always says we couldn't cope emotionally or financially. It was hard when our daughter was a baby – she had colic, refused to nurse, never slept well, even now we have sleep problems. But a lot of that was because of mistakes that I wouldn't make again – I ended up with a whole host of mastitis infections because well-meaning family interfered with breastfeeding which led to the nursing difficulties. We have lived in poverty, having to borrow from my parents since my husband could not find work in this area but now he has a good job. I have a medical condition which leaves me fatigued a lot of the time which has led people to believe I can't manage on my own but to be honest their interference just made motherhood more difficult. I know my husband feels he could not cope with another baby. He is not the most tolerant of people and having him at home while my daughter was a baby was a strain to say the least. Things are much better when he is out a work during the day. My parents think another would be too much and may be unfair to our daughter - since she would have to share attention and what little provisions we have and what meagre inheritance there might be. She has asked me on a couple of occasions for a baby brother or sister though. So should I be accepting that it's never going to happen again; that my childbearing years are over? Other people seem to manage. Are we that different? Is it unfair of me to keep asking? Is it fair that other people are taking the decision for me?

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Anne - posted on 07/05/2012

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Thanks Krista. I did briefly think about it but I guess I don't know that much about it. I don't know if I could give a child/baby the love it deserves and then have to hand it back. I don't know if I could love someone else's child equally with my own. I don't know under what circumstances you hand them back. Someone I worked with adopted a toddler and handed them back when they realised they were pregnant with their own baby. I felt so bad for that little girl and would be so afraid of bungling things and messing with a child's emotions. Your post has given me something more to think about though, thanks. It's something I should find out more about.

Krista - posted on 07/03/2012

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At some point, it's something we all have to accept, but it does sound like you really want another child.

Have you considered fostering? It'd be a way to share your love with some babies and toddlers (you can likely stipulate what ages you'd accept, I would think), without doing anything irrevocable.

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