Should I keep Trying?

EVE - posted on 12/02/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about five years and have known each other for six. We don't live together but have talked about it. I have three children two boys and one girl ages 16, 13 and 7. My boyfriend is a very strong minded person and so am I. He is not the father of my three children due to the fact that the father and I separated about two years before my boyfriend and I started a dating. The reason for me choosing my boyfriend to be in our lives is because I saw him as a very genuine, patient and family oriented guy and saw him to have things going for himself at the time. Over the years he has been struggling a lot and he and I have been arguing a lot therefore lately I have been second guessing if I should stay in the relationship. The feelings that I have for him lately has been off and on. We do not live together due to the fact that I would like for us to get married before I make that decision.........financially it would be a great benefit for all of us. I made it clear that it has been some time and it seems to me he is not interested in a marriage yet but states that it is only because of his financial issues. It has been six years and I am starting to second guess the relationship because of the arguing and the amount of time he is taking to ask me to marry him. I've been thinking about moving on frequently. I love him though!!...........What should I do?

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Michelle - posted on 12/02/2013

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Maybe also see if he would go to couples counseling. That way you can both let each other know what you want and how you feel without worrying how the other will react.

MsChoklat - posted on 12/02/2013

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Hi, most men feel less of a man if they are not the bread maker or if financially, they are not where they want to be. He may feel that he can't give you "money wise" what he would like. But a relationship is more than just money (but is important)....while it has been some years for the relationship...in order to get married, you have to have some duckies and it goes further than that. I'm sure you know you can't make a person marry you (because then it's for all the wrong reasons)...Love should not be second guessed, communication is the key :-)

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EVE - posted on 12/09/2013

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Thank you....lately things has been looking up for us. Things are coming together slowly. Don't want to talk too soon but we will see.

Chazda - posted on 12/03/2013

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Hi EVE,

As others here have posted, you need to talk with him about it - and couples therapy might be a good idea too. That said, it does seem to me that you have a difficult decision ahead. One way, or the other. Six years is plenty of time, by any standards.

You, by yourself, have a family. He is your boyfriend, not more (at this point). He doesn't live with you, doesn't have any responsibility to your family. Maybe he needs it to stay that way because he isn't capable of providing financially (right now, or lately). That's valid, and it's important for a man that he be able to do that. Talk with him. If this is really what's holding him back, talk about what he might do next to change his financial situation.

If you two both have the desire to build a family - with a stable financial basis - then that is a common goal that you share, and you can work from there towards your goal.

It's possible that he just does not want to get married - to anyone, ever. If you want to build a family and he really just wants to be a boyfriend, then that is not a shared commonality, and it's time to say farewell. The reason I draw a hardline here is because it's a basic life-status goal. It isn't about which way the toiletpaper roll should go, it's much more basic and more important to how you view your world and what is of importance in it. If you don't share that, you really don't have a long-term relationship.

Talk with him about it - don't argue, just make this about what it is you both need and want in your lives. If those things match - great. Then work on that. If they don't match - that's ok too, but it means he'll be going his way and you'll be going yours.

MsChoklat - posted on 12/02/2013

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...our kids come first & if he doesnt want what you want (no force intended) then maybe yall should talk about your future...remember, communication is the key. You teach a person how to treat you and if its ok for you to go on without figuring out what are the next steps in the relation then its ok for him :-)

EVE - posted on 12/02/2013

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Yeah... Thank You.....I understand what your saying. He mentioned finances is the reason. I just don't want to feel I am wasting time waiting and he doesn't want the same thing I want. This is my children's time as well.

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