Should I leave my boyfriend? Please help

Jennifer - posted on 03/23/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 9-10 years. I say boyfriend because we are not married but have been living together and we have 3 kids together. He never asked me to marry him. I have a full time job and have been paying all the bills by myself. He never helped me pay the bills at all for the last 9 years. He works too but I get paid more than he does. He just recently started paying the mortgage about 2 months ago because I threatened to leave him. The mortgage is 1400 dollars and all our other expenses are about 3000 (Which I pay 3,000). We don't have any joint accounts, nothing jointly. The cars are in my name, all the bills are in my name. I recently read our home deed and figured out that the house is not on my name. The house is on a trust for the kids, which I was aware of , but he forced me to sign over my ownership rights 4 weeks after I had my baby and was very tired. I am NOT the owner of the house. He has full ownership of the trust and only HE Can make changes to the trust. This was a BIG RED FLAG for me. I tried to tell him to please put my name on the trust but he doesn't budge. I support him in anything that he wants to do however he doesn't support me on anything. I told him I wanted to go back to school and he says "Then I have to take care of everything, all the kids and everything?" He wanted me to feel guilty. There is no support from him at all on any of my career moves, promotions or goals. If there is any problem at all, he flips out. The washing machine broke and I told him we should look at upgrading the laundry room and he started yelling at me saying that "All I want is money, money and money" But the ironic thing is that I don't ask him for money at all. I pay everything else. All he does is pay the 1400 mortgage and I pay 3 Car loans, Insurances, Kids activities, after school, light, phone, cable, home insurance, gas, oil, food, entertainment. My expenses are 3000. I decided Im leaving him because I cannot continue to be with someone who doesn't support me emotionally or who doesn't understand that we should have joint accounts, joint home ownerships etc. Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Please help me and any advice you can give me would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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Danet - posted on 03/23/2016

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First step is prayer honey. Prayer changes everything. There is nothing too hard for God. I will pray for you and if you feel like chatting outside of this forum I will be more that happy to do so.

Michelle - posted on 03/23/2016

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I would speak to a lawyer, especially about the house being in the trust.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/23/2016

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First thing first, go see a lawyer to figure out the next steps. Sounds like this guy has habitually taken advantage of you, so do not let him know you are seeking legal help. Take it one step at a time love. Sounds like you need out.

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Sarah - posted on 03/25/2016

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Definitely find a good lawyer.
I understand he is sole trustee, with only your three kids as the beneficiaries.
That of itself would not normally invalidate the trust. But the way you describe it - you paying for everything, but him having sole control - I think that could legally be contested. Who is the settlor of the trust? Who did the house belong to at time of purchase.
A good lawyer could take it to court and have him as trustee replaced with you.
Or say the trust is not valid and that in reality the house belongs to you.

Raye - posted on 03/23/2016

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Unless you have "common law" marriage where you live, because you aren't married you probably can't find out what his savings is like or be entitled to any of it. If you are granted custody by the courts, then by all means you should file for child support. That is not being greedy. Even if you can pay the daily expenses yourself, you can save the support money for the kids education. It IS the father's responsibility to help financially provide for his children. Don't let him may you feel bad for wanting things to be equal.

Jennifer - posted on 03/23/2016

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Thank you so much Raye for your advice. We talked about finances all the time and he always yells and tells me that all I want is "Money". When in fact thats not the case at all. I paid all the bills for the last 9 years. All I ever wanted was for the finances to be equal. For both of us to divide our finances and I have tried many times to discuss this with him but he tells me that we dont need to have our money together because I spend too much money. The truth is i spend too much money because we have 3 kids and Im spending all my money on their needs and expenses for the house. He probably saves all his money for the last 9 years. He probably has a big savings account and Im such an idiot. I cant do it anymore. Thank you for your post and your advice.

Raye - posted on 03/23/2016

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A good relationship has both parties being considerate of and loving toward the other, and both people contributing toward the "family" (maybe in different ways, but somewhat equally or proportionally). It doesn't seem that's the case with you and your BF. You should have been discussing finances all along, and what each other's wants and needs were regarding goals in the relationship. So there might be some blame to go around if you have allowed his behavior all along. BUT, I think you do have justification to be upset, and are within your rights to leave. If that's what you choose to do, go to court and get legal custody of the kids for yourself and set up visitation for the father. That way you both know what your rights are as far as the kids are concerned. Then move on with your life.

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